An Invisible Force

So I was having a nice conversation with a fellow ATS member over the U2U, we were talking about our mutual inability to harm living things, and I remembered something from my childhood that I had forgotten. I found it ratherr interesting, psychologically anyway, and thought I would share it in case someone had ever felt something similar or were familiar with it.

So here it goes:

The only things I kill are mosquitoes when they are near me and that's only cause I'm allergic. And when it happens I literally almost cry about it. Something about karma, the universe, and living things just affects me this way. Though I hate any type of insect I will always go out of my way to do everything to get them out of the house without harming them. The idea of harming life is incredibly upsetting for me.

Same thing with the news, that's why I don't watch it but instead read about it on the web. I can also never watch horror films or anything gory without high risk of intense nightmares. Btw, I get really furious and upset when someone threads something horrible on ATS without a disclaimer and I inadvertently see pictures. That also triggers many nightmarish nights. I remember when I was around seven, I was watching the news, and there was footage of a massive fire in a Brazilian hotel. And they showed a picture of someone jumping out the window to their death … to this day (and 9/11 footage didn't help) I have nightmares of that vision. Without judging anyone I literally am another species from those who can watch things like "faces of death," nothing in my being relates to that existence.

I know I know I'm a little girl.

But here's the main thing I wanted to discuss …

I remember when i was growing up my parents used to switch me boarding schools every year from the age of seven till I finished school. Often in different countries. That meant that I used to get picked on a lot. Up until a certain age (13-14) I never fought back, literally stood there like a martyr and let it happen in complete peace. Then it got out of hand and I started to defend myself, but here's the odd part ... I remember many fights that I never started but that I was winning. And I remember having this almost divine fuse inside me. I remember standing on top of another kid wanting to hit him and physically not being able to move my arm no matter how hard I tried. I just could not do it. Could not bring myself to harm another being any more than was required to defend myself. It is a strange sensation and a beautiful one in retrospect.

I'm not sure if I am describing it correctly, it literally felt like an invisible force holding me back. And almost instantly all the adrenaline and anger would just fade away into a sense of peace … then I would just stand up and walk way.

Now the first part is not uncommon … I have many friends who don't feel at peace killing anything more aware that a plant. The aversion to graphic imagery is also not uncommon.

But that last thing I have never heard anyone describe it to me as an experience. That doesn't mean it is unique to me, I just haven't discussed it with many people in person. In fact I had completely forgotten it until recently.

Anyhoot, I figured I would share with you guys and find out if anyone can either relate to it or has some idea of what it was.

I cant say I have that "invisible force" when it comes to people. I would gladly hit someone if an event made me come to such blows. However I would not hurt an animal in anyway, I get guilty when I go fishing. I think animals only follow instinc, which they can not help, although in saying that, they also have loads or personality (like my dog) and respond to emotions in the same way that we as humans do.



[edit on 3/10/2009 by OzWeatherman]

reply to post by schrodingers dog


I am also incredibly sensitive - mainly when it comes to animals as well. I became a vegetarian many years ago because I watched some PETA videos that will, in all honesty, change me forever. I never need to watch them again. I can still vividly see some things I'd rather not remember.

And I am the same way with insects. My husband (though it has taken him years) just knows that I will catch a spider in a cup and release it before I'd ever kill it. (I will however admit that I do kill ants when then infest our kitchen by the 1,000,000s - I just don't know what else to do about it.) And I expect him to do the same. We don't kill anything but ants and mosquitos in our house (and plants, but that's totally unintentional because I'm a terrible plant keeper.)

I feel that same force. For sure. And I think its a good thing. Not that I really need it - I don't hurt ANYTHING for ANY REASON, really, but its kind of good to know its there. Its sort of comforting.

reply to post by schrodingers dog


I just wanted to add that I wished everyone had their own invisible force. There would be so much less violence and death in this life.

I wonder why some of us have it and others don't. Or is it that we all have it, but only the good people in life respect it. Maybe the murderers in this life ignore and break through it.

I just wanted to say hello to my fellow bleeding hearts.

I can't kill as much as an insect without feeling horrible. I wish I didn't feel this way, because it makes it a lot harder to live in this world.

But no, I have never been arrested in mid hit like that. Actually I gave a couple of my boyfriends a few bashes in the past (they deserved it, and it didn't really hurt them).

But, by the same token, I never really feel like hitting anyone anyway (except slow drivers).

reply to post by Morbo the Annihilator & spellbound


lol, thanks for the words of support ladies ...

It's not really helping my rep and masculinity, but thanks.

edit: who am I kidding ... what rep?


[edit on 3 Oct 2009 by schrodingers dog]

Originally posted by schrodingers dog
reply to post by Morbo the Annihilator & spellbound

 

lol, thanks for the words of support ladies ...

It's not really helping my rep and masculinity, but thanks.

edit: who am I kidding ... what rep?

[edit on 3 Oct 2009 by schrodingers dog]

You have a good reputation S-dog....it shouldnt hurt your masculinity though. You just felt the need not to hit someone...maybe it was better not to hit that guy in the end.

Remember the saying it takes being a man to hit someone, but iot takes an even bigger man to walk away (which you technically did regardless of wether it was involuntary or not).

Try and see it that way

As far as your experience goes with this invisible force. I cannot say much about it as I have never hesitated to beat the pulp out of someone if it called for it. For instance, years ago when my best friend and ex fiancee at the time was raped, the guy got it so bad that I nearly broke his neck.

There could be a million reasons why most do not have the kind of restraint you speak of. For me, It was a combination of Lifestyle, parenting, having religious ideologies shoved down my throat and told I would burn forever if I didn't accept them during my early teen years. And number of other things.

I do believe in some sort of extra dimensional beings (IE angels and what have you). What I believe they are, is another story. However, we can assume that the universe has a natural balance in and of itself. Forces of light, forces of darkness and everything in between. Does not necessarily mean good and evil, just opposing sides. You could very well be experiencing things that have to do with these "invisible" beings. As some have not hesitated to point out time and time again on these boards. The world is changing, and you could be part of that change.

(we all are cause we live here. Not all of us care so much though)

In this life you have incarnated with a sence of understanidng of yourself and your place in this existence.
I am unsure if it was an invisible force so much as your mind (not ego or brain) was already of the understanding that you do not require a sence of self by hurting or depowering another. This isn't psychology, this is evolution of mind (or spirit whichever you wish to call it) at play.
As it happened to you young, I am confident to say, that this aspect of understanding self is 'nature' not 'nutured' for you.

Not sure if I am making sence.

We all incarnate with some level of understadings, its just in this aspect of infintie undertandings, you have already processed and assimilated this into your essence.
OK
Im raving.
Bye
Lol

LOL

I can understand your feeling.

I remember when I was a kid and saw a huge spider in bath tub. I was so scared I ran the water to try to get rid of it. I saw to my horror that there were so many baby spiders coming out of this spider. I'm like, I killed so many baby spiders.

It's still with me to this day.

I can't kill flies or spiders. If I see them, I will make an effort to get them outside.

My friends always laugh at me or even think I am crazy every time I try to get a spider and put it outside. They're like, "KILL IT! KILL IT!"

Perhaps it's a part of life? We do not want to kill life.

I do not care what people say. Life is life

reply to post by Mr. Toodles


Oh wow, I can understand that.

If anyone hurt anyone of mine, I would be out there to get them. Probably not physically, though, because I would come off definitely second best.

I think it a bit simplistic to assume that people who lack a violent drive are "Bad" and that pacifists are good. Alot of gray in there, for instance a country with a weak military would be taken over easily. Bleeding hearts serve a purpose just as much as military fanatics. Balance is the key i myself am not either or, i believe there is time to fight and a time to turn the other cheek.

One thing i cant understand is peoples fascination with the macabre and the graphically violent.

But in response to the OP i would have to say i have no force holding me back from beating the crap out of someone that meant me harm. Bullies will keep pushing you around until it becomes too much trouble.

Originally posted by TiM3LoRd

But in response to the OP i would have to say i have no force holding me back from beating the crap out of someone that meant me harm. Bullies will keep pushing you around until it becomes too much trouble.

Just to clarify what I was trying to convey in the OP ...

I have no problem using violence to defend myself, those for whom I care for, or even perfect strangers. This inside "fuse" that gets flipped is when the line is about to be crossed from defense to ... I guess the best way to word it would be revenge or retaliation. The way that it manifests is that the fuse goes off once the threat is basically gone. But in the moment the brain doesn't know that. So the fuse goes off, the force stops me from striking again, and the realization gets to the brain.

That of course is the opposite of how it's supposed to happen. Usually the mind will gage what is appropriate and tell the body what to do. I am grateful that this is within me btw.

reply to post by schrodingers dog


Yes i understand exactly what your trying to say. Basically once your have established that there is no longer a threat you back off not wanting to punish the miscreant any further. What you are describing sounds like self control, which is good. Unfortunately that is a skill i have yet to master along with patience and a multitude of others.

You seem well on your way to being a decent human, keep it up.

reply to post by schrodingers dog


I understand

I haven't killed a bug since I was 11 - not on purpose - unfortunately some have suffered horribly in spite of my best intentions - by my trying to save them

I became a vegetarian - finally - after years of thinking about it - as someone else just mentioned - I saw something I couldn't unsee - and that was that

I wasn't allowed to watch certain kinds of films when I was young - because I had such horrible reactions to them - fiction or nonfiction

when I was a kid - the environmental movement was just really getting started, and PBS was always showing us how the elephants were being slaughtered, the tigers were being slaughtered, the whales were being slaughtered...so I was forbidden to watch PBS

I remember one program where they had immobilized monkeys, sliced open the skulls and started poking around to see what kind of reactions they could get

I hate the humans

I don't really - but you can see how I could

I walked out of a class once in elementary because we were watching a movie about slaughtering caribou - the teacher was furious - but I told her she'd have to drag me back into the room - so she let me sit in the hall

then of course there was war - and all the famines

and the Manson family

maybe some people just don't have the ability to not imagine how others feel - not just empathy - but that ability to block out certain things

in my heart and in my mind I consider myself a pacifist - always - it will always be my first choice

but instinct is something else - and so that invisible force you're talking about isn't something I understand first hand

when I was a kid - if someone came at me - I beat the bejeesus out of them - boys or girls

I was in big trouble more than a few times - because "girls don't fight"

but - they started it :-)

so I do understand about most of it - but you must have a special gift when it comes to pacifism SD - you actually cannot harm

was just Ghandi's birthday too - seems fitting

When I was a kid I was playing in an empty field with a friend. When some bullies from the next block came running towards us my friend ran away. I didn't because I had the idea somehow that running away was "chicken" or something. When the guys got to me and started punching me in the belly I just took it and didn't fight back because I remember very clearly not wanting to hurt them.

They eventually gave up. I am old now and still have never been in a physical fight my whole life. I think the older I get tho, the more I wish I knew how to fight. There have been more than a few who I would have loved to pummel if I knew how -- and had the guts to, in my later years.

I don't know. Maybe I am regressing or something.

I also do things like capture mice live and take them to open fields to be released. However, knowing that insects like ants violently protect their home from intruders, I do reciprocate in kind when they invade mine.
-- oh, and plants, they definitely have a "spirit" about them that deserves homage and respect. They are alive, and as such, their life is not to be taken for granted either.
It makes life a little difficult at times, but once you have these thoughts in your head its hard to think otherwise.

reply to post by wayno


Hi Wayne! Welcome to another bleeding heart!

It make life tough, but it also makes life nicer, if you can stand it.

Originally posted by schrodingers dog
It's not really helping my rep and masculinity, but thanks.

Does being masculine mean that you can inflict pain and violence with impunity? Man, as a species, has developed the ability to overcome and over-ride instinct and brutality with intelligence. A real man, knows that he can but doesn't. That you have that ability, combined with a compassion for all living things, makes you much stronger, masculine and if I may say, highly evolved than many of your gender. Fair play to you sir.

This is an old wives tale, but my Mother used to say that a spider in your kitchen means good luck.

While I try my best to get unwanted critters back to the great outdoors, I will kill roaches, and ants. It doesn't matter if you hire an exterminator where I live in the deep south. You will still see some of these in your house every year.

As for spiders, I know 2 people that have come up with necrotizing facitits (sp?) or flesh eating disease, 1 in Illinois, and 1 in Louisiana in the last 2 months that they were told was started from spider bites. I'll be smacking them all now when I see them.

As for hitting people, I don't like to do it, I might hurt my hand! Seriously, unless somebody hits me first, it isn't going to happen!

edit to add:

Oh yeah, and I kill flies. Something about seeing them congregated on a pile of poop outside and then in a house, completely disgusts me.

[edit on 3-10-2009 by Blanca Rose]

I am not at peace killing anything, period, no exeptions. It's a form of evil but a part of this divided existence.

I do understand this force of which you speak. I could not and cannot easily smack some bully's head into the sidewalk or hit anyone. It tends to feel like I'm hitting myself. There were a few small spats were I was pretty brutal though.