Columbine Killer's Parents Refuse Apology

The parents of Columbine murderer Dylan Klebold have outraged some parents of their victims by refusing to apologize CNN

While you would think an apology would have been the decent thing to do, and the blood boils at their refusal, I can't help but wonder if they aren't correct.

The incident was so horrific that it would be extremely difficult for someone to admit even to themselves that they might be somewhat complicit. I also wonder about the civil liability issues that would come from an apology as an admission of guilt.

i cant imagine a caring parent refusing to aplogize for what their child did to other parent's children. (hope i didnt lose anyone there!)

that being said why should they apologize? they did shoot anyone, their child did. let HIM aplogize (i know, thats not possible).

but have they stated they even just regret what their child did?

they could also be trying to live in denial of this and thats why they're refusing to apologize.


however i believe these kids knew full what they were doing and noone should have to apologize for their actions.

have i confused everyone enough yet? good this post is done now...

In one sense I can see where the parents are coming from. If in fact, they had no clue as to what was going in their son's head, then I think it would be very difficult to apologize for what the son had done. I think that if they did apologize at that level they would be admitting some role in what had happened.

I'm not looking at this from the legal side but rather the moral aspect of it. To apologize would indicate that they were in some way morally responsible. If they felt as appalled, sickened and outraged as the rest of us, there's no way they could apologize.

They could however express their grief over the loss the families of the victims endured. That in fact, should be expected.

From the viewpoint of the Klebold's, or for parents in general, what I've found is that you cannot control the thinking of a son or daughter. Regardless of how much you try, it can't be done. Each individual was given free will and will be held accountable for their own actions or failure to act.

Now before I get flamed, parents obviously have the responsibility to know as much as they can about what their children are up to. If they do everything taht they can, it may still still be possible to miss something as big as the Columbine disaster.

There's very few, if any, people taht can make that judgement.

I can understand it.

They lost their children as well. Regardless of what the child has done, a good parent would still love them and feel great pain at losing them as well.

The parents of the killers have actually lost more than the parents of the victims in that they have lost their children of their own volition, in addition to that their children ceased to be children by killing many others.

It sounds coldhearted, but I think it's true.

If they truely did not have any fault in the actual killing (which I don't think they did), then they should just be left alone.

After this many years, havent all the people involved gotten all the appologies and whatnot out of the way. I know the pain is probably still there for them, but I don't get why the mess keeps getting brought back year after year by the media. I know we as a society have to keep on top of the school violence problem, but wouldnt it be better served by focusing on what can be done now to prevent it, not at dredging up the past and probably opening old wounds for the victims families?

Not trying to sound cold but it just seems like the media refuses to let people move on with their lives by going into the past to bring it all back.

I frankly don't see why the parents should apologize. They didn't shoot anyone, and in any case not only did they lose their children they lost their dignity too.

Think about it. These parents are being blamed -directly or indirectly- for the murder of more than a dozen highschool children. They are labelled as monsters, bad parents, partially at fault for what a few imbalanced kids did.

This si what is refered to as stimulus generalization. The other parents fail to see past their grief, and don't care much what the target of that grief and anger is anymore. They've blamed everything from drugs to music for the deaths of their children. Now, these people have not only to carry the question of whether or not they were responsible for those deaths, but the shame of being publically targetted as well. Wasn't teh death of their children more than enough pain for them?

DE

The Klebolds said their son was set off by the "toxic culture" of the school, where athletes were worshipped and bullying was tolerated.

I have heard so much about this and franky it sickens me. Its the typical 'appearence is everything' mentality that pervades our 'society' and which was responsible for this atrocity. Yes, many kids are bullied at school and don't go around shooting their classmates, but I dare say that those same people have sat in their bedrooms at night sobbing themselves to sleep and wishing - just wishing - that they could stop the torment.

I was never bullied at school - no one dared, mainly because I discovered early that the way to deal with bullies was to humiliate them with words. So I was left alone, as were other with the same mindset.

Those who are considered 'geeks' or otherwise different to the 'norm' will always be denegrated. And it doesn't change after school either. There are bullying bosses all over the world.

KayEm was bullied at school because she chose friends with minds of their own and thought that the 'popular set' were too obsessed with fripperies. The measure of worth was whether or not you got into the football team or were pretty enough to become a cheerleader. She was bullied on and off, as were her friends, until she was offered a place as a cheerleader herself. Then she was accepted and those who had been so scathing tried to inveigle themselves into her circle of friends - unsuccessfully, I hasten to add.

You need to understand this culture if you are to understand what happened at Columbine. I don't know what happened with those two killers to make them turn so violently against their tormentors, but society as a whole need to take its own share of the blame.

The mother sounds like she is hurting terribly. She doesn't owe anybody an apology, as hurtful as that may sound. She is going through her own private hell. The parents of the kids who were killed have memories of what great kids they were, which can be of some comfort. Mrs. Klebold has to live with the fact that her son did the killing, that she didn't see it coming, and that her son was living his own private hell at the evry end.

Don't flame me for this, because I have never walked in either parents shoes. I can't possibly understand.

Pisky:

I was never bullied at school - no one dared, mainly because I discovered early that the way to deal with bullies was to humiliate them with words.

So that was YOU? We always stood there scratching our heads, saying "Did he just insult me?"
Just kidding - I always stood up for the little guy. But I do agree that bullying has far greater implications than we are willing to admit. The worst parents are those whose kids are doing the bullying - I think they take a perverse pride in it.

I for one dont think the parents should have any need to apologize, they had no part in the physical act of the shootings.

And as far as the two gunmen are concerned I do believe that they were mentally traumatized by years of having to put up with crap from bullies, Ive seen it when I was in school the jocks always got away with drugs and all sorts of illegal activity while noone paid any attention to the nerds or those that werent popular. This of course doesnt justify murder but I could see how they may have joined in with the "trench coat mafia". its the survival in numbers mentality. This is also why Nazism and other hate evidence doesnt seem so unlikely, remember that nazism came about because of an opressed Germany that desperately needed something to hang on to.

I can say first hand that bullying has lasting effects. I was bullied horribly from the 6th grade on because I was shy. I'm now 39 years old and it still affects me.

My two youngest children have just recently switched to home schooling because the bullying became too much for them. I wanted them to be home schooled, but allowed them to try regular school so they could see what it's like. I have to admit, I'm very glad they decided they like home schooling better.

I'm not saying its ok when kids shoot up a school. I'm saying we need to do something serious about this problem. I think kids that are found to be bullying others should be permanently kicked out of public school.

I think maybe there should be a 3 strike rule. They get 2 warnings and if that doesn't do the trick, third time, they're out!

Just who's definition of a bully would you go by?
Everyone sees things diffrent and how do you know that someone is telling the truth about being bullied or are they just very sensitive, or maybe they like the attention they get when they are a victim of somthing.
You can not hide your kids from the world and you have to teach them to stand up and hold their chin up and face it head on or when they do get out in the world they will be victims.
I do know that bullies exist but they are usually mentaly weak people and can be beat in more ways than one. When I was a kid I was short and fat with real ugly glasses so I had to learn to run or fight or keep my mouth shut. The workplace and the rest of the world are no diffrent.

Originally posted by factfinder38
how do you know that someone is telling the truth about being bullied or are they just very sensitive, or maybe they like the attention they get when they are a victim of somthing.

You obviously are not a parent.

Bullying is very real. It is very dangerous. It is very destructive. Your automatic dismissal of the fact that MANY children in school get bullied ... some BRUTALLY bullied is disturbing.

You have your head in the sand.

Wake up. The world and the schools are dangerous places. The scars inflicted by bullies last a life time. Your cure - put on a 'stiff upper lip' because that's how the world is run - is dead wrong. If grown ups tried to pull the bullying act in a corporation they'd be fired; taken to jail; and charged with ASSAULT.

Bullying is NOT a rite of passage. It's cruel and it changes the lives of the victims forever. It's people with YOUR dismissive attitude that makes the bullying problem worse.

Could the refusal to apologize come from legal council?

As someone mentioned earlier, there could be liability at stake.

Not that it is right, but could offer some reasoning behind it.

Bullying happens in school so much, only a fool would belittle it or ignore it. There is a toxic culture within western school systems. I would further elaborate on this, but I think that would belong in a seperate thread. Most bullied folk don't shoot other pupils. Some repress their anger and bury it deep in their subconcious. Some have taken an overdose of sleeping pills to escape their tormentors. Some just disappear and are never seen again, whilst the collective cogs go on with life, obviously absent minded that they inadvertantly caused such torment.

Why the hell should these parents apologise anyway? They've probebely had enough guilt and have tried figuring out why their son did what he did. Was it really Doom and Marilyn Manson that caused him to go and shoot up his classmates? Complete BS. It's strange that none of the media publications that I've seen even attempted to cover the issue of bullying.

[edit on 11/10/06 by MacDonagh]

Interesting.

The poster above me hit the nail on the head 100%..

I don't want to stray to far off topic, but since we are discussing the horrible columbine incident, I have a little something to contribute.

As a child who was tormented &"picked" on in school, I know what some of these "school shooters" go through.

It's odd that whenever a school shooting happens, all they talk about in the media is how it could have been prevented, the usual things brought up are gun control, violent movies, tv shows, card games &video games, also, the parents are many times blamed because they had firearms in the house. You see news reporters saying things like "We may never know why they chose to injure their classmates". Everyone is baffled, a few people try to tighten gun laws up, the media is all over it, when there is usually one simple reason they commited the heinous acts they committed. They were picked up, teased &torrmented until they were driven to comminting murder. It was the TV or the rifle. Everyone's brain is a little different, some people are sensitive, others aren't, you have people who will stand up for themselves, and others who are timid &won't, they will get picked on daily, by cruel children in school, and when it all comes to a head, they will react in a horrible manner.

When I was going through this in school, I hated even going, I wanted to drop out, I dreaded walking into school, and suffered from headaches &up-set stomache from the mental stress, I hated school &they other kids so bad, when I finally graduated, It was such a wonderful relief.

People do not get this for some reason. Some young people can be pushed only so far until they snap, then when they do, everyone wonders why &blames the gun, the dungeons &dragons game they played with there buddies. (I never played it, but I was around guns, as I did a bit of hunting). Blaming a gun for a death is like blaming a pen for a mistake. It's all in the person controlling it.

The bottom line is, parents need to really watch for how there kids treat others, teachers need to as well...better then they do, because when I was in highscool (6 years ago)...they didn't do anything. I also saw a lot of other kids get picked on, many until the point of crying, right in school and begging for them to stop. Teachers didnt do anything, and if one of those kids ever flipped...and hurt someone, it would have been the kids who tormented them, as well as the teachers fault. period. Of course, being human, thoughts crossed my mind while going to school,it's only natural when you have people harassing you severly, that you would want to give them there own medicine back, &it was clear to me then, who's fault it would have been, theres. But, I had self control, and a level head, and chose to ignore it as best as a could, I had some good friends who helped me through, as well as wonderful parents. Some of these kids who kill, don't, they don't have direction. One day, they decided to go kill some kids who have tormented them all there lives at school, &they do it. When your brain decided enough is enough, your a deadly weapon.

So again, it's not the gun, the knife, or the movies. I had many talks with my folks when I was growing up about this as well, and they agreed 100%, having a child that wasd going through this, they saw what the problem was...

something to think about, a little perspective from someone who's been there.

Take care!

[edit on 11-10-2006 by Ibelieve2006]

Flyersfan
I have 3 children 18,16,14 and have seen what you are talking about and I am not saying that it is not real but I also know because I do a lot of work in the schools and see every day the problem. The thing that gets me though is the kids that are always starting trouble themself and then when they get in trouble they run home and tell mommy that they only did it because the bad kids were picking on them.
NOw I do not understand why the parents of the Columbine shooters won't apologize that I guess is there thing to deal with. The thing that I do understand is that it has become the popular thing to be some kind of victim then you have a excuse for all of your failings in life.

They have nothing to apologize for.

Look at it this way, if you are so tormented and so teased in school that you feel that someone needs "a taste of their own medicine" and are pushed to the point of actually wanting to commit the act. they are going to commit the act. Regardless. The parents had nothing to do with this. Those kids were pushed to a point of no return, and did what they felt they had to do. If these parents need to apologize for anything, then so should the parents of the victims. They should apologize for allowing their children to push people around and be aggressors and bring someone to the point of murder. Fair is fair.

Originally posted by factfinder38

Flyersfan

I have 3 children 18,16,14 and have seen what you are talking about and I am not saying that it is not real but I also know because I do a lot of work in the schools and see every day the problem. The thing that gets me though is the kids that are always starting trouble themself and then when they get in trouble they run home and tell mommy that they only did it because the bad kids were picking on them.
NOw I do not understand why the parents of the Columbine shooters won't apologize that I guess is there thing to deal with. The thing that I do understand is that it has become the popular thing to be some kind of victim then you have a excuse for all of your failings in life.

Well, you know what Mr. "factfinder", I feel very, very sorry for your kids. You are the exact type of parent that is a big part of the problem today.

I don't see why Klebold's parents should apologize at all. They lost their child too and it wasn't Dylan Klebold who was teasing children to point of total breakdown.

I always got a lot of flak for saying this but I can identify with the shooters more than the victims.

Originally posted by Shadowflux
I don't see why Klebold's parents should apologize at all. They lost their child too and it wasn't Dylan Klebold who was teasing children to point of total breakdown.

I always got a lot of flak for saying this but I can identify with the shooters more than the victims.

Excellent post &your right. Also, I have always been able to identify with the shooters more than the victims, why? because I was someone who was picked on severly in school. When your 15 or 16 and have a lot of your peers teasing you in school, to the point of becoming physically ill when you walk in to class in the morning...there is a real problem. I'm suprised these shootings don't occur more often, &God willing they won't. There are two problems, the teasing &the repercussions from that. The teasing causes the repercussion, what I'm saying is, the kids guilty of the teasing &bullying bring on themselves. I remember in highscool, there was this one kid, he got picked on so bad he ran from class to class, and kids would try there best to trip him, slam him off the lockers, and knock his books from his hand, during classtime, he was teased non stop, then after school, he would run out to his bike, and peddle home as fast as he could, he was about 17 then, there was a small crab apple tree next to the school, and as he was unchaining his bike, kids would pick apples off the ground and throw them at him as hard as they could, he came to the school his senior year, and dealt with it until he graduated. Why did he get picked on? Because he didn't play sport, and he was shy, and also didn't have the money for the expensive sneakers and clothes. I remember thinking for sure, this kids, will snap. Luckily, he didn't...

Blame it on what you will though, Guns, video games, horror films, dungeons &dragons, etc.