posted on Jul, 19 2009 @ 05:21 AM
To begin, I'll start by noting that the following information comes from my personal experiences alone, not from a book or any other source. I have
the opportunity here to attempt to impart some wisdom and teach others from the very painful experiences I've endured. My intention here is to
educate and educate only I'm naturally assuming that if you clicked on this thread having read the thread title, then you did so for one of two
reasons: either you have a "suspicion" that perhaps your significant other may be straying or you just felt curious. Either way I hope this
information finds you well.
Cheating comes in many forms and has many faces, it can run the gamut front simple online "chatting" all the way to a full blown sexual affair. The
first step in identifying weather or not your significant other is becoming unfaithful is to examine the (your) relationship itself. Start by looking
for what is not there, a good example would be communication, do you and your partner communicate less frequently then normal? Is the context of the
existing level lacking in any area?
If the answer is yes then you are very likely to assume that your partner is in "need" of something
Now in place of the word communication, you can go ahead and insert any qualities of a relationship you want i.e.: sex, money, and romance,
understanding ECT, ECT, and you have a starting point. The second step in identifying involves opportunity, take a close look at your partner's
"life schedule" and yours as well think about work, commute times, activities, school act, ECT. Ask yourself "does the opportunity present
itself"? Or in other words does your partner "have the time" to cheat? Well unfortunately the answer is yes, an unfaithful person will make time.
This is normally where the process of "finding out" beguines, example: John's wife is very punctual person, she arrives home everyday after work at
the same time and is rarely late, but lately John finds her "working" extra hours or blaming some extent of tardiness on traffic or lines at the
store ect, ect. John may feel uneasy but then he beguines using the just word witch we'll get into latter.
The third indicator is not so easy to distinguish, it's personal appearance. Many working people dress "nice" for their jobs and you may not notice
Subtle changes in your partner's appearance, these could include but are not limited to: a change in perfume or cologne, the addition of certain
makeup or the lack thereof, obsessive concern over the condition of a certain "look" i.e.: a bank teller wearing lower cut tops, or an office worker
wearing tighter slacks. The desire to be attractive to others is a deeply rooted human desire and because we are a civil society our clothes speak
volumes about us, who we are what we do and what we want. If a person who say, works in a factory suddenly starts wearing "nicer" clothing instead
of the normal jeans and top, a red flag should be popping up.
We'll take a break here to discuss some different kinds of cheating. (1)Emotional cheating: this a a common starting point for people with a desire
to fulfill an empty emotional space. It commonly involves the exchange of stories between the one who is wanting and the other person. The wanting
party is looking for validation emotionally and will generally soak up any given like a sponge. If a relationship is lacking in any emotional area
then that’s exactly what this type of cheating entails, the replacement of lost emotional validation. An example of this would be: bob looking
forward to seeing Mary at work because mary always makes Bob feel attractive by things she says that bob does not hear from his girlfriend. Mary knows
she makes Bob feel good so she continues to advance in her compliments to Bob. Bob now "feels" emotionally validated by Mary and not his girlfriend
he continues accepting gratifying conversation from Mary.
(2) Boundryleess conversation. A couple shares in all aspects of conversation they know intimate details about each other, confidential details of one
another’s lives, present as well as past, and there exists a mutual understanding and trust that certain things will not be divulged outside of the
relationship especially those of intimate nature i.e.: "well Sharon never does this or won't do that" ect, ect. When one starts speaking on things
of a personal nature to somebody outside of a relationship this creates an opening and a desire to the listener to fulfill those wants weather they be
explicit, or simple touches, holding, hugging, ect, ect. When a person is not willing to draw clear boundaries in conversation they are not likely to
remain bound by physical one's either.
(3) Cheating with an idea. This one is complicated and involves an understanding of a person's "idea" of what their partner is or is not. This one
can be time specific as well in regards to a person’s age, preferences wants desires ect, ect, Often we fall in love with the "idea" of a person
instead of really falling in love with the person, i.e.: when Jan met Mark he was in a rock band playing the guitar with hair down to his waist, she
was physically attracted to him but subconsciously attracted to the idea of being with a rock star. Over the years Mark has let his hair go the way of
the cassette tape. Sharon's new male assistant however fits the "Mark 12 years ago" idea wich has Sharon thinking of times past and possibilities
of reliveing those times past except just not with Mark.
(4) Fling (physical)
This one is very difficult on the person who has been cheated on by this method. The simple act of succombing to lust and enguaging in sexual or less
then sexual contact for a relitivly short period of time on the basis of passionate temporary gratification sums this up. Flings generally last fewer
then three weeks and once over, they tend to remain over because the seemingly hot and steamy feelings and desires have been fullfilled.
The general consensus I've taken from conversations with people like myself who have expeirenced this type of devestation is the the partner who was
unfaithfull expected this to remain unnoticed and thus continue it for a long period of time. An affair generally constitutes the unfaithfull partner
developing feelings for the other person no matter how insignificant they may be,they exsist. The other person is supplying one or many of their needs
and this only keeps an affair going despite the current relationship.
Red flags can come in many different forms as mentioned before. One should be cautioned though, that some cheaters are good at having their cake and
eating it too. If you suspect or have a doubt do not fall into the "just" cycle i.e "oh she's just caught in traffic" or "he's just at his
sisters house" just being the key word here. This is denial plain and simple and the reason you may have began to suspect a cheating partner dosen't
"just" go away either, you make it go away by proving or disproving your suspicions.
Be tactfull in your aproach if you suspect something is not right, often times we get a "gut" feeling that something isn't right. Trust that
feeling and proceed to look for changes in your partner, one's that can be seen as well as ones that can be felt. Ask questions and scrutinize
details, You know your partner and your partners patterns so any deviation from these should raise at least some extent of concern on your part. A
good cheater has a weakness, pride they feel like they will never get caught and it is this pride that will eventually be their downfall, they might
get sloppy thinking you are unaware and this is when their covert activities beguin to slowly reveal themselves.
I sugguest a verbal approach at first, communication is key in a healthy relationship, and any breakdown in this will alert you to possible trouble.
Do not accuse outright or you will find yourself faceing a person that feels cornered and when sombody is cornered they become secluded and defensive.
Play on their emotions by way of finding out what they want and then compare the answers to the current state of your relationship, if you get alot of
"I want's" that match up to shortcomings you presently have then the possibility of having a cheating partner becomes more likely. Do not blame
yourself, because you can't control other people' actions they do and unless you put a gun to their head and told them to cheat, they made that
choice not you.
Of course this is not a "complete" guidline on the subject it is but a reference and should give you at least a direction to follow, I am well
versed in the subject and could fill multiple threads on the subject. If you have any questions that you perfer not to post on the forum please feel
free to U2U me and I will reply as promptly as possible. Please also keep in mind that if you find yourself being lied to, it indicates that there may
be other issues at play such as cheating. Some people lie outright to cover the truth while others lie in the guise of "protecting" the one their
lieing to beware of the latter for these lier's truly believe their own lies and they actually think that by lieing to you that they are doing you a
favor, this is the worst kind of lier.
In conclusion, I've provided a a general guide on recognizing some traits and behaivors common of a cheater. In love there is no rule book in wich
both parties are bound to and as such we should remember that the people we let into our lives are at best at least partially capable of straying, so
keep your guard up but don't let suspicion ruin a good thing. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, well guess what? I'ts probably a duck.
Thanks for reading.