Sick and tired of being the type of female men ignore

Maybe I am vain, maybe some of you more new agey types will tell me my ego is too big or needs to be "let go", maybe I care too much about what men think in general...maybe I am just depressed and this is a consequence of that. I don't know, because I am largely a non-emotional person. I hope the mods don't tag me...but nowdays, in most westernenized McSocieties, it's like a woman is ugly or less than unless she has giant boobies, is a size 0, dresses like a streetwalker and is willing to get drunker than a skunk and have go into heat. Oh, gotta have the crazy makeup too in order to be looked at. Does anyone even really know what Megan Fox and Beyonce really look like underneath all that gunk? I know neither of these starlets would dare to venture far without professional application of their cosmetics that make men swoon at their sight.

Then that leaves the "rest of us" to live up to these plastic, fake and unrealistic standards. Then, I read so many conflicting things about what men want "in a woman". Most all want top of the line model material plastic looking chick that can cook, clean and has 49DDDD's (yet in a size double 0). Then other men, from my gathering of info online and in real life seem to have more realistic expectations and know women are human beings. Mostly online, I see the He-Man faction out in full force.

We women are expected to be sooo many things to this category of man, the He-Man. We are to be voiceless, for if we have the dreaded opinion we are "feminists", even if we have never burned a bra or attended a Women First convention. We are "unfeminine" if we refuse to be trounced on like a doormat and take the stand for ourselves. We are also the nebulous and capacious mark of "unfeminine" if gods forbid some of us have nil skills in cooking, aren't very domestic and find grody and crude behavior from *some* (definitely not all) males unacceptable, and refuse to be a maid and second mommy with "benefits". That said, maybe I am ranting all of this because I am unhappily married and my own husband is too busy with his job and aspirations to make his next advancement to ever pay me any attention really....I have PTSD and panic/anxiety issues from combat.

Days ago, I had a breakdown, and he wouldn't even comfort me. But I am always there to encourage and support him. I had to call the VA suicide hotline to get some live human to talk to to help me out of the valley that night, because sleep was more important than helping his wife. Fidelity sticklers, fear not, evidently I am too *something* for any man to want me, or pay me any attnetion, so I am not up here cheating because my spouse neglects me. I am a great cook, I actually went to school for it. I like keeping a clean home. I keep myself up. I am relatively young (under 30). I have no disfiguring handicaps. I'm in great shape; toned and tall and slender. My skin is bronze and even, I just don't do a lot of makeup. I perfume myself and bathe very frequently. I'm not loud unless the situation calls for it. I wouldn't call my self "a well behaved little lady", but I am certainly no vile temptress, or dirty you-know-what, either. My dress is modest and I don't have a lot of self-esteem. But I am way too mature to dress like a whore to get attention from sad sacks just because I'd like some attention.

I guess maybe one day I will die and get another chance. If reincarnation is real, Earth Human life stinks and I would rather return as a jaguar or maybe even one of those blue morpho butterflies. Right now, it's my only hope. Anyway, I know this was pathetic, and if anyone read it all...thanks. If not that's ok too, I just got it off my chest so I can rest tonight with one less thing on my burdened mind.

reply to post by Seasick


Hey there, Seasick.

Sorry to hear about the recent break down. Really, I mean that. I know what you’re going through, even though I’m a guy. I tend to zone out the needs of my own wife, but she has a way of getting my attention and helping me to refocus. It is very important to me to understand her feelings and to be more sympathetic. My goal in life is to make her glow. I literally want her to light up a room because she knows that she is the greatest gift that God has ever given me; that she is the single most important person in my life.

I believe that this is what every woman really wants from their significant other, but what if you’re not experiencing it? What if your man just doesn’t seem to be interested? Well, you’ve got to give what you want for yourself. Unconditional love. Love him the way you want to be loved, without ANY expectations of reciprocation. Let your words speak life. Let your actions converse love. It may take a long time for him to wake up, but eventually he will, if you don’t give up no matter how hard it gets.

The plastic world you have mentioned, by the way, is just that. It’s all fake. Just a light show, and we all know that it’s just an illusion. So many people are sucked up into it though, and that is very sad. Hollywood does not portray real life, and yet we let it influence us so easily. I thing the best think we can do is kick it out. Unplug the lies coming in the home through the media and get out and make real connections with real people. People who know what life is really all about.


[edit on 30-6-2009 by apaulo]

Maybe you are looking towards others as a way of validating your worth? Your husband doesn't give you the attention you want, so you think it means you aren't worth much. You listed a bunch of things that people seem to "value".

Screw that. That's just asking to get used. You are literally "selling yourself short".

And if you put a dependence on your hubby like that, then you can drive them away even further. I know such things always drove me away with women, and the harder they try the more it drives me away. It becomes a never ending cycle of having to validate her worth through action over and over. And as soon as I don't, it's heavy and even more draining amounts of drama. To me, it's like someone throwing their pencil on the ground on purpose, just to see if I'll pick it up and then pretending they did it on accident.

I'm sure you have plenty of "value", just need to find and recognize it and not worry about what other people think. If you haven't noticed, the majority of people are pretty dumb about things that are actually valuable. Flip it around, what value is someone who can't recognize important things and what is of actual value to you?

I am 38 years old and have been married for 18 years

I respect my wife and i respect my own decisions. I asked my wife to marry me 18 years ago. That means i made a commitment to her. But that's not all i did! I also made a commitment to my own word.
When i made the commitment to get married i also gave up my own ego, but so did she.
We both made a commitment to start a totally new life with totally new dreams and goals. And i will never forget it because that is all that matters to me.
Me and my wife both can see what others have, but we also know that we cant have everything.
I also observe a lot of nice looking shapes out there. But i also know that i have made a commitment to my wife. If we have problems i don't go out to look at new possibilities. No i go to my wife and square things up. Running from your problems is the same as not respecting your own word or commitment. At least that's how i look at it.

There is something special that makes me love my wife more then anything. And that is that she said yes to me when i asked her to marry me. Just that makes me feel very very special. Imagine some one loving you that much, that they want to spend the rest of their life with you. Imagine that. That is a value worth a thought.

I guess we are all different. But a relationship ain't better then the effort both of you put into it.
I cant just care for my kids i have to care for my wife to. And i do that by showing her that i care about her. And its not even a effort or a job to do so, but a pleasure that makes me feel good inside. It makes me feel good to know that she knows that i care. And its her reaction to me that makes it so easy. Even if its just a little sign or a jester. Its hard to explain this with words
In the beginning this wasn't so easy. But as soon as i let go of my ego and started to care things just rolled on quite easy.

I guess a mans worth lies in his commitment to his word. If your man dont care for you he has broken his word. But how do you care for your man?
A change of image ain't going to fix your problem. But if you take care of your self your image will come back.

reply to post by Seasick


Sick and tired of being the type of female men ignore?

And you're married? What's wrong with this picture?

Now maybe if you would have said "Sick and tired of being the type of female my husband ignores," I suppose I might have just said..."Well, have you ever considered divorce?" Or if you had said the original statement and you were single, I might have understood and said "hey, maybe you should try a different kind of man."

But clearly there are some deeper issues going on here. And obviously PTSD from combat isn't helping any. I am real sorry to hear that, and thank you for your service.

But I suppose the issue I am getting at is why do you feel the need to be paid attention to in that way from other men besides your husband? Could you possibly be one that's cut out for a swinging kind of relationship, where you share? I dunno, but it sounds like it a bit. Because if your natural need is to feel sexually attractive to more than just your husband, and you are making an effort to be attractive to other men in that way, then maybe one man is not enough for you. You could be just fooling yourself into thinking that one is enough, when really, you desire to be appreciated by more than just your husband. On the other hand if he is not appreciating you in that way, then hey. Try to bring this to his attention, and if all else fails, then it's time to move on- I am sorry.

This is not a new unique problem ya know. Sexuality is a deeply personal, and often confusing thing. You're supposed to be one way, and yet you feel like being another. You're told you can't do this by society, and yet sometimes that's exactly what you want to do, but don't, because it would break your commitment. So then you are placed squarely on the edge of a very sharp sword that cuts dangerously deep either way you slice it.

So many people are in this exact position, and it's really sad. But there are a few that understand this problem, face it head on, and come to grips with their own desires. You can try to control them, but sometimes they will drive you nuts, especially when you are not appreciated by the very one that is supposed to be appreciating you from every angle. And even in the case where you are getting that, sometimes the lure is so strong and the hook so tempting that well, I think you know what I mean.

So what is the solution? Find someone who understands these things and that can help you deal with it. And the next time you tie the knot, make sure it is a single knot that can come loose once in a while, and not a double knot that never comes loose.

Just my .02

Not probably what you wanted to hear, but yeah, we're out here.

Seasick: I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. I understand how it can seem that what is valued, what is appreciated by society are superficial attributes. As a woman I have felt like this myself. It pisses me off that a womans worth is based on her "attractiveness" and a mans worth is based on his "wealth".

It doesn't seem fair, but alas we live in a shallow society. The truth is that society is screwed up. In order to maintain some kind of mental healthiness I suggest you ignore what the media tells you is important and concetrate on what YOU think is important and worthy.

As for your husband - I am a firm believer that not every relationship we have is meant to be forever. Don't waste time - if he isn't fulfilling your needs and there is no hope that he will, it's time to move on.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be admired by someone other than your husband. Personally I love it when another man notices something about me, be it my wit or my shape - of course that doesn't mean I am going to go to bed with him. I am in a monogamous redlationship, I honour my committments. However different people have different levels and types of committments - Nothing is wrong as long as two ( or three - whatever floats your boat ) people agree.

Please if you're feeling like you want to harm yourself seek help immediatley.

reply to post by apaulo


Yeah, I can agree with many of your points and I appreciate your point of view. Sounds like your wife is a most fortunate lady, and I'm glad for the both of you. I do try my best to make life good for my husband. I listen to his troubles, especially things at work. I always cook for him, because I am either here, or just working part-time. I go out of my way for him, I thought that was part of committment and unconditional love. I know I'm bad for just wanting someone else to notice me, but I'm human and flawed. I have no intent on cheating, First of all, too many cooties out here these days.

Originally posted by TrueAmerican
reply to post by Seasick

 

Sick and tired of being the type of female men ignore?

And you're married? What's wrong with this picture?

Now maybe if you would have said "Sick and tired of being the type of female my husband ignores," I suppose I might have just said..."Well, have you ever considered divorce?" Or if you had said the original statement and you were single, I might have understood and said "hey, maybe you should try a different kind of man."

But clearly there are some deeper issues going on here.

LOL, thanks for your reply. Nah, I'm not into swinging at all! No way! I just want to be assurred I'm not chopped liver, because when I look in the mirror, I don't see chopped liver or regurgitated haggis. I see a moderately decent looking female. And you're right, I should have more esteem than that of myself than to look for validation of it elsewhere. My husband does take a lot of meds that may affect his sex drive so I don't know if that has anything to do with his behavior...we also don't *do it* all that much either, and when we do, his chronic back issues pain him, or it almost seems a chore to him in my eyes, so that's a turn off. I have an "imaginary boyfriend" and have mastered the art of *ahem* dream greatification, I'm not a fan of actual hardware like some ladies (no offense to you who are) I just find my mind can produce a better, and more real result...like a holodeck. I know it's not real, but hey, you know? Beats what I have in real life.

Different kind of man...oh I wish I did have one that cared a little more...reciprocated what I give to him a little more. But one thing is true, life is not a fairy tale and you often have to work with what you have, troubles and all. I know a lucky few are living fairly tales...I'm not jealous, I'm fascinated by how you maintain it and cultivated it.

And yeah, with my issues from war and his serious back problems, we do have some deeper issues, as you say. Sigh...

I don't want to keep bumping my on sob story rant so thank you and bless you to everyone who replied to me, and managed to stomach this trainwreck.

Nowadays, most kids first experience of sex, will be through porn on the internet. So kids growing up, expect to have a huge penis and expect women to be slim, yet have large breasts. Creating an unnatural idea of how a human body is to look.

You sound very needy, you sound like you want the world to change to suit you rather than changing yourself to get the satisfaction you desire from the world.

You pointed out many things that you feel men find attractive yet you are not willing to change yourself to those things to be found attractive, perhaps you find comfort in being unattractive and complaining.

Your husband needs to sleep at night in order to be able to work in the day, not be up all night stroking your hair and saying poor baby. And you should be happy he wants to do his best - it's not just for him. Do you even work, probably not.

I have found that most people who complain like you are forgetting to be grateful for all of the little things in life that they do have, like a home and a husband who has a job in these times when so many people can't find work. Begin to appreciate life on lifes terms and you will find there is much to be thankful for.

You should consider either changing yourself into a woman that men find attractive if that is what you seek, you already know what to do because you wrote about it. Or if you don't want to change yourself perhaps you should consider becoming Catholic so that someday maybe you can be a martyr or for that matter even a saint.

reply to post by SaraThustra


Yes, perhaps you are right. The time it took for you to offer your opinion to my trifles and complaining here in this "RANT" section, is most noteworthy and valiant of you. Be assurred, I am not sensitive to constructive criticism. I welcome it. Thank you.

reply to post by SaraThustra


Im sorry but I have a huge problem with you telling her to change herself into the type of woman she is obviously not. Men should want her for WHO she is and that is it! She shouldnt have to be someone she is not to make a man happy. She needs to be happy with herself and to me it sounds like she is a beautiful person with great qualities any DECENT man would want. Yes she seems to be suffering from some depression but I completely feel her on this. I am going through the same thing right now and I would NEVER make myself into something I am not for a man. Also she doesnt seem needy, she just sounds like a woman with a husband who doesnt seem to "see" her. I am in the same situation in a way so I kind of know how she feels. Another thing, her husband should have been the one to comfort her not some hotline! If he loves her and values her as his wife then sleep can wait at that moment. I am sorry but if anyone I love has a breakdown(and I have been there with 2 friends) I dont care what time it is or what I am doing you can bet your arse I am going to get my butt there and be there for them.

reply to post by Seasick

…I thought that was part of commitment and unconditional love.

Those things are all good, but unconditional love will benefit you just as much as the other person if it’s done with the right attitude. Read on and hopefully my take on this will begin to make sense. What I’m talking about here is really awesome, and if you can tap into it you’ll really be glad you did...

Badmedia says;

if you put a dependence on your hubby like that, then you can drive them away even further. I know such things always drove me away with women, and the harder they try the more it drives me away.

This is true. This is what some women may mistakenly call “unconditional love,” but this is actually a lower form of love driven by fear that causes someone to act out of desperation. Don’t go there. It drives people, especially us guys, bOnKeRs.

We have all heard the axiom, ‘if you love someone then let’em go… ‘ THAT is a good example of unconditional love in my book. You just let them go, but love em. Don’t expect anything. Totally set them free. You don’t own them. You don’t need them to fulfill your hopes and dreams. Let go of your “hopes and dreams.” What are theirs? Shucks, if you love them, you would want to make them happy right? So let’em go… and just believe that they will come back to loving you the way they once did.

Think about the happiest you have ever been. Do you recall the way you related to others and the way you thought of yourself during that time? I have found that for myself, when I have been happiest, I can love anyone, and when I do it just feeds the fire. To me, that is the key to happiness. Loving the unlovable. Living for others who don’t deserve it... you just do it cause you love to. As an example, pay for someone’s lunch. A total stranger. Someone did this for me once, and I was so inspired by it that I kept the ball rolling, so to speak. I didn’t deserve the kindness of a total stranger, but I was very grateful, and that one small act of kindness was powerful!

So how does this apply to a marriage? Well, I’m certainly no expert and all I can do is offer my perspective, but the way I see it, it’s all about learning to find purpose in being useful and valuable by demonstrating acts of genuine kindness and love. It changes people on both ends… both the giver and the taker. TRUST ME, I’m not shooting from the hip here. I know what I’m talking about.

reply to post by Merigold

…we live in a shallow society. The truth is that society is screwed up.

Yes, it sure is.

As for your husband… Don't waste time - if he isn't fulfilling your needs and there is no hope that he will, it's time to move on.

We live in a shallow society. The truth is that society is screwed up!!!!

[edit on 1-7-2009 by apaulo]

Originally posted by mblahnikluver
reply to post by SaraThustra

 

Who says she's not that type of woman, you? She is obviously NOT satisfied with the reaction she is getting from men, and so she chooses to blame men for it? THAT is ridicules.

Men are men, there are many things that men find generally attractive - long hair - good body - good makeup, high heels, confidence, and intelligence - to name a few...

Why on Earth does an American girl feel that she should be able to look unattractive and yet demand that men find her attractive? It does not make sense at all.

American women have no problem at all objectifying a man based on the amount of money he makes, yet you somehow demand that an American man should just desire any women for WHO she is - please give me a break.

You say a woman should not have to make herself attractive just to make a man happy? Like that's bad... What kind of bazaar logic is that? Why on Earth would a woman not want to make her man happy and look as good as she could for him? American women must have their heads screwed on the wrong way if this is what you feel. Is it any wonder it is so easy for a foreign girl to take your men from you?

Does it somehow make a man indecent to want to be with an attractive girl? I think not. If that picture is of you then you seem to want to be attractive to men, but you would tell another girl that she should be a plain unattractive girl and men should just want her? Why? Who are you kidding really.

Would you really want the attention of a 'man' if all he is looking for is the correct measurements?

If you are a good person in the inside you will attract like-minded people, and probably be far happier than the plastic people who like a bimbo or Fabio hanging off their arm.

Originally posted by fooffstarr
Would you really want the attention of a 'man' if all he is looking for is the correct measurements?

If you are a good person in the inside you will attract like-minded people, and probably be far happier than the plastic people who like a bimbo or Fabio hanging off their arm.

Who are you to say that in order to be a good person on the inside, you must be an ugly person on the outside. That is just plain stupid and clearly prejudiced. I have met many people who were ugly on the outside and even more ugly on the inside. Also many people who were very attractive on the outside and equally so on the inside.

I think the only people who come up with asinine logic like that are jealous ugly people who have no interest in improving themselves either way.

Originally posted by SaraThustra
Who are you to say that in order to be a good person on the inside, you must be an ugly person on the outside. That is just plain stupid and clearly prejudiced. I have met many people who were ugly on the outside and even more ugly on the inside. Also many people who were very attractive on the outside and equally so on the inside.

I think the only people who come up with asinine logic like that are jealous ugly people who have no interest in improving themselves either way.

Woah... way to put words in my mouth. Relax!

I never said good people are ugly.

You fail to realize there is a difference between good looking and plastic. There are different types of attractive, and for some people, the plastic look is what they are after. Doesn't mean that look is the only attractive style out there.

What I was trying to convey, and I'm sure most people understood from my post, is that people who like each other for who they are on the inside are generally happier than those who are simply together for each other's looks.

Does that mean pretty people can't be happy? No. Pretty people can like their partners for what is on the inside too.

I'm going to give up trying to explain my post here because it clearly doesn't need this elaboration in the first place. If you still don't get what I was saying now than you better just put me on ignore, because that was as simple as I get.

I hope you're feeling a little brighter today.

Could I suggest that now might be the time to re-focus? Clearly, your husband and yourself are not in great shape at the moment and it's hardly surprising that some of the romance and appreciation of each other has gone out of the relationship.

Might it be better to concentrate on getting yourselves fitter and dealing with other issues instead of worrying about the lack of attention or empathy in the relationship?

My feeling is that you need to put some of your desires, or even resentments, on the back-burner and do all you can to get yourself stronger mentally and physically. Encourage your husband to do the same.

Back pain is a dreadful thing to live with - it can drain all of your energy. Until you have trouble with it you seriously don't realise how much you depend on your back. To state the bleedin' obvious it is the thing that holds you up and supports you. If you can't rely on it any more, it's not just the pain that is the issue. It's the worry and frustration.

If your husband makes an effort to make love with you, he could be setting himself up for days of excruciating agony if he makes a wrong move.

I understand our need for an imaginary boyfriend, but could you use that power of visualisation to bring about the changes you want in your life? Try to imagine a healthier, happier, stronger, independent new you instead.

I'm not ignoring the things you do already, you sound like a very capable person. But you do need to dig yourself out of that little hole you've fallen into. You might find that by digging yourself out, you manage to dig your husband out too, because it sounds like he's in the same hole.

It's going to take a bit of hard work, but you know you're up to it.

reply to post by mblahnikluver


Thanks so much to people like you and foofstar, true american and apaulo and others for offering kind words and good advice to me. We did agree on the counseling yesterday evening. Our first session is sometimes next week, after the holiday. I am hoping that will help us both. I already go to a counselor of my own for my issues, but this will be couple's counseling.


To the user I wish desperately to ignore...(can anyone give a tip of how to engage the ignore function, mine will not work for me at all?) I highly doubt that I am what you claim I am. If anyone has let themselves go, it's my husband. His BMI is now in the 35's, he's 5'10 and 225lbs. and when I met him, he was a specialized self-defense instructor in excellent, enviable shape. I have kept myself up. I wear a size 5-7 depending on the dress or clothing cut.

I run, swim and walk regularly to keep in shape. I eat well, and as I mentioned I am a trained cook, so I prepare healthy meals and know the value of good nutrition and I have never had any weight issues. But my husband would rather ignore my brown rice pilaf, chicken breast curry and dal to go get a bucket of KFC and extra biscuits. But sure, I'm the demon here, so demonize away. When his last promotion came, I threw him a party that would rival a royal wedding. I support him. And if you read above dear, I *do* work part time outside the home, as well as in the home, but I still find time to honor my committment to my man. Maybe your game is reverse psychology, fine by me, I am a generally non-combative person so you won't raise my feathers for a squabble. I appreciate your opinions and as always, I am fascinated by the myriad of personalities I meet online. It always makes me me more conscious out in real life of the people I interact with, and where their minds may be. The anonymity of the net is a gift and a curse it seems.

Also, what the heck does makeup have to do with a female's true physical beauty? Even though I am small, what the heck does size have to do with beauty? I see larger ladies who are enviably gorgeous in my opinion. And what the heck do heels have to do with beauty? Hello...everyone doesn't have to conform to your standards. Honestly, now criticizing myself I think my suspicion of everyone (war induced) and low self-esteem may make me less attractive to some, and my unwillingness to paint my face with maybelline like a circus clown, because I think my skin is nice. I admit that. I think society is so warped. Honestly, somedays when I wake up from a good night's rest and see myself in the mirror I think I look good enough to just splash on some water and pat it dry, brush my teeth, shower up and leave. That's my I appreciate you, tree avatar person. Because there has to be a good opposing side to anyone's painful release to either, A make the ranter consider rucking up his/her issues and driving on, or B perhaps, taking a smidge of your advice, sarcastic and snippy as it is...and applying it to test the result.

I promise, if i can never figure out how to unlock my ignore function (it was working flawlessly months ago) Mr./or Mre. "Tree Avatar", I swear if I ever see one of your obviously heartfelt and hurting expressions in the rant sections or elsewhere on ATS/BTS, I will offer you nothing but kindness and consideration. Be in peace.

reply to post by berenike


Your advice is so appreciated, berenike. I absolutely do exercise a bit harder then I probably should, because I am frustrated. I go into the garage and doggone near break the home gym. I took up a hobby by myself, amateur sculpting. I just went to a hobby store and picked up a bunch of clay and accessories and I am rather good at creating things, so that helps when I have time to kill (am am not playing on the internet hehe), so I do try and stay proactive in helping myself in my misery.

I go to all my scheduled PTSD counselings and do their "cognitive therapy" or whatever. To me, it doesn't help. I'd rather climb a mountain or swim, or just be out in nature. But my husband can't do any of those things like hiking and running and swimming with me anymore cause of his back.

I just can't stay sedentary and be happy, but I try to help him the best I can. We go to movies, we sometimes cook together, I've learned to change oil because he can't do it anymore. I'd do anything for him, I just don't feel the same in return from him and that hurts. Anytime he needs to go have back injections, if I have to work that day, I'm taking off to go attend to him and drive him home and get him settled in to rest. I try to make his workload easy in the home, and that does cause me some stress doing it all. We all do the best we can I guess.