Am I just being stupid, or would you be irritated too?

Ok, let me preface this by saying that I in no way distrust my girlfriend. I know that she's not cheating on me -- that's not the issue. It's important to get that out of the way before I tell you what's going on.

So, I've been going out with this girl since October -- so about 4 months. A few months ago she told me about this "weird guy" in her class that had been blatantly hitting on her. She told me about some of the weird/sort of creepy things that he was trying to do to get her attention, we had a bit of a laugh, etc. etc. He's going through the same language program as her in college, so he's in another class with her this semester. A couple of weeks ago we were hanging out, and she says something about her friend that she studies with, and low and behold, it's the weirdo. And lately, he's been going over to her apartment to study with her...yep, just her and the guy who's been trying to get into her pants for the past couple of months...alone in her apartment studying.

Now, as I already mentioned, I know that she's not cheating on me. I know her well enough to know that she's not a cheater, so it's not that that's irritating me. What's irritating me is that she's naive enough to trust that this guy really wants to be her "friend." Seriously, I (regrettably) have been "that guy" before. I've never caused a girl to cheat on her boyfriend, but I've definitely made "friends" with a girl before fully aware that sooner or later the relationship is going to end and I can move in for the kill. I know it was stupid of me, I never got with the girl, and I won't ever do it again. But still, I'm a realist. I know that this guy is not after a friendship. Anyone with any common sense at all knows exactly what this guy is after, so what's the deal here? Am I being stupid for being kind of irritated, or do I have a valid point here? Ever been in this situation before?

of course have a valid point. the guy is just biding his time. i would bring this up to your girlfriend asap and try to nip this issue in the bud. she may not do anything but that is not to say it will stop him. you don't want that type of a situation on your hands

I wouldn't trust the guy any further than I could throw him, but... I think the girlfriend may be motivated by that thing that gets a lot of us girls into trouble--I call it the "oh, poor baby" mechanism.

We meet a guy who's a little strange and digs us, the combination of flattering attention and a something (or more accurately, a someone) that we feel needs fixing and that we might be able to help... it's hard not to give in to.

So her intentions are probably good, but if his aren't, it's either going to end their friendship once she recognizes what he's about or cause trouble with your relationship (hopefully not, but in many cases, both).

Best thing to do, imho, is tell her you trust her judgment and if she sees something trustworthy in the guy, there must be something trustworthy there. This is a bit sneaky, but it's actually the best way I know of to undermine that mechanism, as it could start her examining "well, how do I know I can trust this person?" ...Without you coming across as unduly concerned or like you don't trust her or anything like that.

That she complained about him initially means she has some reservations there, they just need to be re-engaged, maybe.

And good luck on it. Might consider getting her a puppy or kitten or even a nice flowering houseplant for Valentine's Day, as well, depending on her free time, personality, and your relationship. This mechanism kicking in sometimes signals a deeper need to take care of something. Not always, but... sometimes. ^^

Some women allow compromising situations to develop because it's part of power play to see if you'll get jealous.

Women want to be in control of their man.

Figure it through. She isn't sure how much control she has over you. You don't seem to have made much of an issue with her about it Brownie points to you for being mature and self controlled, but some women do want to see you get jealous because secretly that flatters them too. Women do set up situations to test men's reactions.

On the other hand this other guy she studies with is clearly hooked on her and she apparently feels flattered by his attention. If she didn't feel amused or intrigued by this other guy she'd push him away and make it absolutely clear that she's your girl. She hasn't done that. I'd say you're already losing her.

One point comes across from reading your account. She does not feel she is getting enough attention from you.

I know plenty of women who refuse to compromise their relationship with their man. You have to ask yourself why she allows this thing to carry on ?

If it were me, as soon as I got such vibes, I'd just tell her to take a hike. That's between you and your self esteem to work out.

You have my sympathy even if I don't sound sympathetic because it's a horrible situation to be in.

Thanks for the advice, guys. Initially, I wasn't going to bring it up. She's the type of girl who gets extremely irritated if she senses that you don't trust her (her last relationship actually ended for that reason -- she said the guy didn't trust her and was always checking up on her and trying to control her.) And like I said, I do trust her, I just don't trust the guy. But thinking about it some more, I really think that I should bring it up. The chances that this guy just wants a friendship with her is about 0% in my opinion. Whatever I do, it'll have to be extremely delicate though. I do need to let her know that I trust her, but that I'm suspicious of this guy.

And kittens...well, her cat just had kittens and she actually wants to give me one, so I don't think that's such a good idea. A plant, though, maybe .

Originally posted by sy.gunson
She hasn't done that. I'd say you're already losing her.

One point comes across from reading your account. She does not feel she is getting enough attention from you.

I know plenty of women who refuse to compromise their relationship with their man. You have to ask yourself why she allows this thing to carry on ?

If it were me, as soon as I got such vibes, I'd just tell her to take a hike. That's between you and your self esteem to work out.

Well, she's always had a lot of guy friends. I'd say about 80% of her friends from where she grew up were guys, and she hasn't had a lot of boyfriends. Also, like I said in my other post, she gets really paranoid about boyfriends not trusting her. One of the things she really likes about me is that I'm not controlling and I don't get jealous easily, and I'd hate to ruin that trust. But then again, it's not an issue of me not trusting her, it's the issue of me not trusting this guy.

Well, she's always had a lot of guy friends. I'd say about 80% of her friends from where she grew up were guys, and she hasn't had a lot of boyfriends. Also, like I said in my other post, she gets really paranoid about boyfriends not trusting her. One of the things she really likes about me is that I'm not controlling and I don't get jealous easily, and I'd hate to ruin that trust. But then again, it's not an issue of me not trusting her, it's the issue of me not trusting this guy.

I hear what you say Herman. I had a girlfriend like her last year. I wont tell you what developed. I've never been a jealous or insecure guy, but if you're cool and relaxed and still get a strange feeling then I say trust your feelings.

I don't think it's fair of me to project my experience onto you as you may well be right that she's not cheating, but my point is if she was really into you she would be more in tune with your discomfort and not leave you dangling.

Irrespective of whether there's any cheating going on, there is a blatent lack of consideration or respect for your feeling and the importance of the relationship in her eyes. At the very least there does need to be a re-evaluation of where you stand in the relationship. Something is bothering you deeply and you did ask if it was just you being stupid ?

... I honestly don't think so.

Often in my experience when you have a gut instinct that something isn't right then generally your gut isn't lying and that doesn't make you a jealous person.

I accept as truthful what you're saying that you're not by nature a jealous person... So if that's correct and you're still feeling uncomfortable doesn't that tell you that it's her and not you ?

Nothing wrong with her having her own circle of friends. Why if there's nothing tricky involved wont she introduce you ?

I have married lady friends who introduce me to their partners and then I become great mates with their partners too. That's a normal natural way to do it. Why has she never introduced you to him ?


[edit on 11-2-2009 by sy.gunson]

Am I being stupid for being kind of irritated, or do I have a valid point here? Ever been in this situation before?

Absolutely... I've been BOTH of those guys at various times in my life...

You certainly have a point, and a right to be irritated. Make sure you make it about not trusting "him" vs. not trusting "her".

Here's another thing though, maybe her last guy had reasons not to trust her. I mean honestly, what kind of gal studies with another guy, alone, when she has a boyfriend. If with a group of classmates, that's one thing, but one-on-one studying is a rare thing unless one is strictly a tutor....
It shows really poor judgement on her part, and is disrespectful to you to boot (especially if she didn't tell you about these study dates on her own, and you had to find out)...

One of the things she really likes about me is that I'm not controlling and I don't get jealous easily, and I'd hate to ruin that trust. But then again, it's not an issue of me not trusting her, it's the issue of me not trusting this guy.

Again though, it's also about respect, and respect for your feelings as well.
I take it you're both fairly young? She may be expecting you to "man up" and show some concern too...who knows? (especially if she's young...)


[edit on 12-2-2009 by Gazrok]

Thanks, guys. I think that you're totally right. I've been thinking about it more today, and the more I think about it the more it irritates me. There is definitely a blatant disrespect for my feelings going on here. To her credit, she did tell me that she's going to be studying with this guy, and they don't really hang out outside of school (Aside from him showing up at her work which is exactly what I mean when I say he's a little weird,) so it's not as if an opportunity for me to meet him has even arisen. But all of that aside, a normal girl might invite other people into the study group and meet at a neutral location at certain times (if not completely ignore the guy,) but what does my girlfriend do? Invites him over to her apartment! Alone! I'm confident now that I'm valid in my feelings, and I'll definitely talk to her about it tonight. If my bringing this up upsets her, then so be it. It will only be more validation that something's not right.

Thanks again. I'll let you know how it goes.

Originally posted by Herman

Originally posted by sy.gunson
I know plenty of women who refuse to compromise their relationship with their man. You have to ask yourself why she allows this thing to carry on ?

One of the things she really likes about me is that I'm not controlling and I don't get jealous easily,

Well, it sounds like she's put you in a spot. Like the man says "why does she allow this thing to carry on?"

She doesn't want you to question what she does and then she repeatedly tells you about this "guy" making you concerned and jealous.

SHE HAS A MOTIVE.

What is that motive?
Whatever it is, it is not in your best interest. Sounds like she is playing a game or she is just unconcerned with how you feel.

Wouldn't it be a good idea to demonstrate how good your relationship is with your GF by being there while they study?

To justify it tell her that you are concerned because you think you know what this guy is up to (as you said, you've been there). Maybe even tell her that she is naive if she'll take the constructive criticism without being offended. Get her to let you do it as a favour.

The point is that if he is there to get into her pants then it'll drive him off, and if he is there to study, he won't much care if your there or not. It's likely to be the first one but your GF will likely try to convince you its not so let that be her idea to prove you wrong.

but what does my girlfriend do? Invites him over to her apartment

You need to let her know that this makes you feel disrespected...and it's over the line most would consider as "normal" behavior for a girlfriend.

No wonder her ex was jealous...sounds like she kept giving him reasons to be, if this is indicative of her behavior....

If you really want to illustrate the point, you could always have a solo study date with a gal at her house, and then see how SHE feels about that.... Bet she'll reconsider that behavior pronto. And if she doesn't, at that point, kicking her to the curb would be certainly understandable...

reply to post by Herman


When you say she gets irritated, do you mean every time you ask if he's trying to hit her up during those private study sessions in her apartment? Or is this how she reacts every time a similar subject comes up? You mentioned in another post that she hasn't had many boyfriends, and it does show by your description of her. It does make me suspicious every time a girl gets upset if there's even a slight chance you are bringing up her cheating, especially if she get's uspet if all you are doing is asking if he's trying to get at her. You have every reason to question her, she knows that this guy is after her, and she knows that it is bothering you, or at least expects you to be bothered by it. I would say talk about it with her, and ask if you can be present during these study sessions.

If she asks why, simple, say you don't like her hanging out alone with guys that have a thing for her that you don't know. Just tell her you aren't cool with her doing this with him, if she don't like it, tough. You're her boyfriend, this is some guy from class, it isn't like you are asking her to stop talking to her brother. And this isn't a control thing, it's simply saying you aren't cool. If she still don't get it, see her reaction if you hang out alone with some woman she doesn't want you hanging out with. Just keep your eyes open and don't be afraid to ask questions that could lead to a fight. Walking on eggshells in a relationship means it's already over.

hmm what a 'grass-cutter' seriously. Don't let someone cut your own lawn. I had the same sort of problem and I broke up with y ex because of it. Now she's wanting me back in her life and I have no idea at the moment if I should take her back. I really hope you make the right move. As this situation is about honesty and respect. Remember If you don't like it happening to you, you shouldn't allow it to happen to your significant other. I hope she can see your side in this situation.

Yeah that definetly seems like he's biding his time. If he's going to extremes to get her attention, he obviously wants something more than a friendship. But most us girls take it as just being friendly. We can be a little naive.

I've gone out with some good looking girls in my life so 'Ill tell you what I do.
accept it.
if your too insecure to be in a relationship with a good looking woman you wont be in it for long

you cant control the actions of another person,just your own

if your never there when he's there ..is there a reason ?

if the three of you are never in the same room together how do you know what their interactions are like ....so find out

I mean you said she always had allot of guy friends so she knows what guys are like. why are you thinking that she is naive all of a sudden.
you said you trust her and not him.
they have a friendship and your not included in that why is that ?
maybe your the one that is misjudging him still

you know if your so worried about him try this
try and get to know him....and then talk to your girlfriend and the two of you try to fix him up with someone.

[edit on 15-2-2009 by The Utopian Penguin]

I've gone out with some good looking girls in my life so 'Ill tell you what I do.
accept it.

If he does accept this, then he'll be her doormat for the duration of the relationship. Respect is a two-way street.

if your too insecure to be in a relationship with a good looking woman you wont be in it for long

True, but she isn't all innocent in this. She's disrespecting him having a dude over her place, with just the two of them. The next thing you know, she'll go to movies with him, just as a friend...etc. He needs to draw the line somewhere.... (imho) before it gets out of hand (in my view, it already is...)

Some strategies.
1. Webcam
2. Show up unexpectedly
3. Call unexpectedly and hang on the phone for a while when he's there. If she tries to get you to hang up, they're doing it
4. Turn the tables. Tell her you and a cute work buddy are going to a movie. Emphasize it's platonic
5. Find the guy and threaten to kick his ass, or better yet make friends with him. Then kick his ass. (kidding; violence is never the way)
6. Lie and tell her you're ok with an open relationship. Haha, suggest a three-some. People want to confess.
7. If she has a girlfriend, talk to her
8. Check out her cellphone, IM client logs, email next time she's not looking. If his name/number shows up repeatedly, she's cheating
9. Be sure and ask her point blank. If she looks away or is evasive or touches her mouth when she says no, she's lying
10. Analyze your relationship. Are you really a good b/f? Ask her to tell you ways you could be better. I mean you might be able to save this relationship. Think about what makes you indispensible
11. Does she tell you she loves you? Has she stopped doing that recently?
12. Any change in habits? Be Mr Monk next time you go to her house. There are always tell-tale signs. Wine bottles, candles, bedsheets, a sock left behind under the bed.

Be prepared to have your heart broken, because you're on the road to that happening. Sorry, man.

I guarantee you either she's thinking about cheating or has already gone to second base or he is biding his time.

You're better off without a chick like this.

*(basically my suggestions are all just kidding around)

reply to post by Syandos


Can I have the one in your avatar?


Nah, OP, I do feel for you. I've been the guy on both sides in the past as well.

I think it is 99.9% likely he is on the tune until she drops her guard. Biding his time, solidifying the relationship etc.

Don't come out to your g/f in absolutes. Don't say you CAN'T be his friend, or you AREN'T ALLOWED to study with him anymore. That would push her away faster than if you were a beater.

Try to have a civil, intelligent conversation about it. Now I know this will sound lame, but psychologically it would work.

The old 'I feel' is never a bad start. Tell her how you feel. Tell her that spending time with this guy makes you feel disrespected (don't say jealous... big no no. That means she wins).

Tell her that it is OK she has guy friends, but you aren't keen on her spending so much time alone with one she used to call 'creepy'.

Tell her you are just worried about the relationship, and that you don't distrust her.

Basically try to word what you say in a way that doesn't make her feel like she is doing something wrong. Make it sound like she is hurting you unintentionally. Guilt is possibly the quickest path to returning things to normal.


[edit on 16-2-2009 by fooffstarr]

creepy = interesting

Maybe she is perceiving it that way and trying to put it in an appropriate context while talking to you.

Women can be conniving and manipulative at times. Make sure you stay one step above it and play the game so that your not the one disadvantage like in this situation. If she does have a lot of guy friends.. Why don't you have a lot of chick friends? Sure i'm not saying to stoop to her level, but perceive and learn to strategize against it.

I really don't think there is an understanding between you guys or even boundaries that you both have set. Without boundaries there is no sense of respect for this relationship.
I guess this is Karma in a way also.