I think there may be something wrong with me

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posted on Nov, 7 2008 @ 09:30 AM
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I couldn't work out where to put this buy Relationships seems the best bet, although maybe this is a bit serious for BTS but I don't know. If you don't like sad stories then this might not be for you.

I think there is something wrong with me, emotionally.

I'm 19yo Male living New Zealand. In the last 8 years I have experienced more death than I care to consider. The problem is that I don't feel anything.

It started when I was 13. My great-grandfather died at the age of 92. I didn't know him very well as my extended family is vast so I really didn't know many of 'us'. At his funeral I was the pallbearer. Having a large extended family, there was over a hundred people there and everyone was unable to contain their grief -- except me, and I had to help carry his coffin.

I didn't think much of it at the time because I didn't know him very well.

Next, a few years later, Margaret died. She was old too. My brother and I grew up next door to her, so we knew her all of our lives. We knew her really well, she was really friendly and easy to talk to, so we all (Brother, mother and myself) had a strong relationship with her, she was like a member of our close family. She died and mum and I went to the funeral (us and only 7 other people she knew were there- small funeral), and again I felt nothing. This time it really concerned me. Aren't I supposed to "grieve" like everyone else?!

Interestingly my brother (half-brother, different dad) didn't go because being around dead bodies makes him physically sick.

Next, two years ago, my great-grandmother died, this time, we knew her really well, like Margaret. We went to the funeral and again I felt nothing. However this time the funeral itself may be a factor. That particular side of the family is the 'stiff upper-lip type' so there was restraint and quiet.

At this point I guessed that the fact that these people had died just simply never sunk in because I found out as second or third hand news each time.

But that simply does not explain this week's death.

This time it was a personal pet. My cat, Milo, who I raised, feed, looked after and all of that jazz died. It wasn't second hand news this time because he died in my arms, crying in that awful sounding way that cats do.

I love this cat like nothing on the planet and he died in my arms, and because no one else was home, I had to something with him, myself. After he stopped breathing, I wrapped him up in a towel, put him in a box and buried him.

The thing is that it felt no different to having to a chore like chopping wood or filling coal buckets.

Around death I feel like an emotionless robot, is there something wrong with me? Are any of you like this?



Actually maybe this should go on the Health and well-being section.

[edit on 11/7/2008 by Good Wolf]




posted on Nov, 7 2008 @ 02:34 PM
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HI Wolf ...you know I only came in to post my opinion because I was asked to .
I will try my best to not be preachy .....I promise ...

So lets first hear a little bit more if you dont mind .

Was there ever anytime that you could cry,feel sorrow etc ? As a Child and as an Adult .......
In other words just how soft is your heart ?

And was there a time or event that happened that actually felt like was a turning point ....where you may have just put up a wall so you would feel anything ...(People build walls so they dont get hurt ) ...?

Another thing is ...is it just when death happens that you feel nothing or you feel nothing all of the time over anything (Like about love etc ?)



posted on Nov, 7 2008 @ 02:49 PM
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Originally posted by Simplynoone
Was there ever anytime that you could cry,feel sorrow etc ? As a Child and as an Adult .......
In other words just how soft is your heart ?


It's not that I can't cry. I could watch a really sad movie now and be heart wrenched, tears flowing (Never ending story- guilty^_^). When I was a kid, I cried easily - I was often picked on being a bit of a loner.


And was there a time or event that happened that actually felt like was a turning point ....where you may have just put up a wall so you would feel anything ...(People build walls so they dont get hurt ) ...?


I can't think of anything. If there is something then it was before 13years, because I had another cat, lucky, who was not so lucky. That death was hard on me, but there were other deaths that I had difficultly with too. That was when I was little. When I was ten my (2nd) half brother died. He was a baby and I never knew him - he was being raised by my father, who I never saw (parents divorced when I was 7).


Another thing is ...is it just when death happens that you feel nothing or you feel nothing all of the time over anything (Like about love etc ?)


It's just death. As far as everything else I think I'm fine. I have lots of proper love for my closest friends (no so much for family, we are all really distant). But I actually feel like I'm not me, but just a machine, when around death like when I buried Milo.

[edit on 11/7/2008 by Good Wolf]



posted on Nov, 7 2008 @ 04:03 PM
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reply to post by Good Wolf
 


Ok Wolf ...maybe you feel somewhat guilty of not feeling anything emotional when your brother died ...I am sure it devastated your mother and maybe you felt guilty for that ......and you did put walls up before that when you were being picked on as a child .....so that could be why you didnt feel emotion about your brother ...and those walls just got taller and taller over the years to protect your heart after that .......which can make you feel like a zombie over so long a time ...
Maybe some of this is just from childhood stuff ..and you have just turned off ...or basically disconnected yourself .....
But all is not lost ..your not shut off for good ....

I know your not a machine because you have shown several emotions with me even since you and I became aquainted here online ...so you still have them lol ...I even feel you still have love in your heart ..because I feel you care about me ...and others on here ....(You know in a way you have nice feelings for me or you wouldnt still be talking with me) ....
So you still have plenty of emotions that still work ...

There are walls up for your own protection from pain etc ..
But they are not unbreakable .....

I need to know ...are you wanting to feel something ...or are you wanting to keep things this way ?
In other words ..are you saying you dont like this and want help or you just want to know if it is normal ?

Because really this is normal ....and I am sure many of us have been here ...maybe a few times even in our life ...
But you will have to work hard (Spiritually speaking) to break the walls down if you want it to change ..............

And how to do that in the literal physical world without the help of the Holy Spirit within you ... ...I dont think it can be done ...you will feel sort of good for while with just positive thinking and getting over all guilt for anything ... ..but that slowly fades and your back at square one again .(Been there done that too and it does not last long) ........(But that is my opinion of course) ..
Seeking Shrinks etc ..I have been there and done that ...you can get meds ..they will talk and listen etc ...but they really did not have the answers I was seeking ...but you may be able to find them that way ....

What you have to ask yourself is do I like who I am ..am I happy with who I am ....do I respect who I am .....if not then ....there needs to be steps taken to change things ......because only you can change things about yourself ..
Only you can change your life (You have to want it to change ) but you also have to take the steps necessary to make it change ..

I am not sure really what you would like to know from me ..
Do you have any specific things that you think maybe I can help with ?



posted on Nov, 7 2008 @ 04:13 PM
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I had second thought after that post ..
Maybe what your lacking is Hope ...Hope is what gets me going everyday ..
Hope and love is what makes me feel good about being alive etc ...

Your young and this world seems to be falling down around you and your generation just started to get to live ..and I can see where some of you younger ones have lost hope ...and feel despair ...

It is not all hopeless though ..life is awesome just in itself ....and there really is coming an incredibly awesome time to be alive ...I just dont know when ..but it is .......dont give up hope ..as long as we are alive and breathing and here ..then there is hope ...

LIVE while you can ...LOVE while you can every chance you get ...every one you can *not only taking it but giving it too ....that right there is hopeful and will help in these times ....and for sure dont worry so much about tommorow but live today for the day ...


[edit on 7-11-2008 by Simplynoone]



posted on Nov, 7 2008 @ 04:44 PM
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Since I dont believe in death (due to various Near-Death and Out-of-Body-Experiences), all the whining and self-pity seem nonsensical to me.

Is something wrong with me just because I dont fall for the "oh poor him he´s gone forever" stuff? I dont think so.

In your case I´d only start worrying if you dont feel anything at all in general.

2 cents.



posted on Nov, 7 2008 @ 04:52 PM
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Originally posted by Simplynoone
Ok Wolf ...maybe you feel somewhat guilty of not feeling anything emotional when your brother died


I don't feel any guilt. I didn't know the boy, he wasn't a year old. He was part of dads new family with his new wife (not mums child) - which I was not really part of.


I know your not a machine because you have shown several emotions with me even since you and I became aquainted here online.


Well that's not what I really meant. By machine I simply meant emotionless and cold, but only in the moment. Acting on imperatives and internal commands rather than me being me. Like an autopilot or a lucid coma.


I need to know ...are you wanting to feel something ...or are you wanting to keep things this way ?
In other words ..are you saying you dont like this and want help or you just want to know if it is normal ?


No. I feel lucky to be like this and being as how I'm only like this when around the dead, otherwise I'm fine, it's not like I'm handicapped by it.

The point is that I feel broken in this regard, not that it's bad, but I'm significantly different to everyone around me. My first thought was that this seems unprecedented, this just isn't normal, hence the concern. I thought maybe the emotion is going somewhere, bottling up - but I feel absent of all remorse - hollow. Again, not that I want to change that, this could be very good for me.



posted on Nov, 7 2008 @ 05:52 PM
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You are quite normal, believe it or not there are people that can go to a funeral and not shed a tear. It is ok to be that way your obviously not an emotional cripple odds are your just one of those people to whom death is the natural part of life. I learned a long time ago that I myself am one of those people I have my own way of handling when someone close dies, and I am perfectly fine with it, it allows me to be strong for someone else at those times.



posted on Nov, 7 2008 @ 05:55 PM
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reply to post by Jovi1
 


Thanks for the words. It's good to know I'm not alone in this.



posted on Nov, 7 2008 @ 06:30 PM
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Hi wolf, how you doing, nice to meet you.

My thought on this are that as a child you saw how older people were acting at funerals or when they heard of someone close dying, but you were not feeling/acting this way. this is perfecly natural for a child, we dont start grieving in the way that you think we should untill were older, and to be honest thats only because of conditioning, lots of cultures celebrate death. that aside i believe, like some one said above you have built up these barriers to death, maybe as a coping mechanism to having seen a lot if it in your short life, that does not mean that you are not grieving, your grief will still come out, maybe thats why you can be emotional in other aspects of your life. I am very similar I lost a hell of a lot of people by the time i was 20 ( lots of friends due to drugs ) and now i appear to take someones passing in my stride, but what peole dont se is the tears flowing when i watch (the last time being just this morning) a documentary about the kids in orphanages in Kenya. What I think I'm trying to say is don't worry you sound like a very well adjusted young person, the very fact that you can ask these questions shows how well you are coping with life.



posted on Nov, 7 2008 @ 07:30 PM
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You are definitely not alone on this. I have the same defense mechanism, but not quite to your degree. I believe to some part it is due to a knowledge on the subconscious level that death is not an ending, but a transfer to a different state of being. I wouldn't worry about it too much. If you had the sincere need to grieve, nothing would stop it. Since the death of my mother back in 1976, I have not felt any real grief at anyone's passing until earlier this year, when someone close to me committed suicide. I think that one hit me because I was the one who found the suicide note, and that had more to do with guilt than grief, because I felt I could have done more to prevent it.

Don't worry, my friend, you are fine and there is nothing wrong with you.



posted on Nov, 7 2008 @ 07:50 PM
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{Since I dont believe in death (due to various Near-Death and Out-of-Body-Experiences), all the whining and self-pity seem nonsensical to me.

Is something wrong with me just because I dont fall for the "oh poor him he´s gone forever" stuff? I dont think so.

In your case I´d only start worrying if you dont feel anything at all in general. }


Some people have a really hard time in containing the grief ...and I dont think it is because their loved ones are dead ..but because they wont be able to see them again ..(at least in the here and now) and that is the reality that sets in that makes everyone greive so much so hard ..

I went years not losing any close relatives ,friends etc ..then all of a sudden I had 6 friends and family members all die within a few years of eachother..and that was really hard ..but since I dont view death as the end I didnt really take it that hard ..in fact I was happy for them that they were outta this mess (they suffered alot in the end and in life) ......so I was happy for them ..sad for me because I miss them so much ..but I try not to think so much about me ....it took me a few months before I actually broke down and cried for my momma (who was the one I took the hardest) >..because I had to stay strong to get everything done and help make my sister and brother feel better .Then my brother was killed by his girlfriend shortly after that ..that hurt but I was more concerned with the girlfriend and what she now had to live with for killing someone ..that saddened me for her .I knew my brother was ok ..but she wasnt ..since she was facing jail ,...and then she lied about it all ...got 8 years and just this week got an appeal ...she is saying now that he abused her (which he did not ) and still I feel sorry for her ...because she now has lies and she took someones life ..that will be very hard for her to deal with her own concience with ............


I actually feel more sorry for the people they left behind (Family members of those who die) ..and it makes me sadder thinking how much they are hurting for losing those loved ones ..
My sister and brothers took my Moms death so hard it was sad ..even though they were all grown adults (they were very immature ones) who still lived at home with her because they were all alcoholics etc ...so they could not make it on their own ..plus she was their hope ..she loved them and fed them and inspired them etc .....so they lost everything when they lost her .
My mom was such a wonderful person that she even took in all their friends (lost people who had no family and no one cared at all about them ) except my mom ...so all of them lost a Mom ...just like I did ...she died slowly so was no surprise ..but that did not make it any easier knowing ahead of time ..you can never prepare for that even when you try to ......

Wolf did you feel sorrow for everyone else who was mourning for your brother,Grandma and those others ?


Anyway there is a time to mourn and a time to stop mourning ..and yes everyone mourns in their own way ...just because a tear is not coming down your eye does not mean it did not hurt you or affect you inside ..because that is just not true .

But there are people who really just dont give a crap about anyone or anything and maybe do not even have a concience anymore ..and are incapable of feeling anything real ..like love and sorrow and joy ...guilt ..pain etc ...



posted on Nov, 7 2008 @ 10:55 PM
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reply to post by Good Wolf
 


Maybe death doesn't effect you like it does others. At least you are not like me and cry until your nose is all plugged up and your eyes swell shut.

Like someone else said I don't believe in actual death either because I too have had out of body experiences and some other things happen to let me know this isn't all there is - but being seperated from someone that you are extremely close to can be devestaing. Old people dying is expected - sad but expected. It's usually the "unexpected" ones that catch one off guard.

I think you'll be okay. You took good care of your cat when it was alive and you handled what needed to be done when it died.



posted on Nov, 8 2008 @ 01:58 AM
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Originally posted by JaxonRoberts
I believe to some part it is due to a knowledge on the subconscious level that death is not an ending, but a transfer to a different state of being.


This doesn't seem to be doing anything for me. As you know I used to be a christian. There was a time that I was convinced that heaven and hell existed. Now, though, I'm atheist - not believing ether way - but feeling hasn't changed.





Pretend to be a Time Traveller Day!!

[edit on 11/8/2008 by Good Wolf]



posted on Nov, 8 2008 @ 07:16 AM
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I agree with everyone who has posted saying this is not something that should worry you, and does not imply heartlessness on your part at all.

But I disagree with those who think it's a recognition that death is not the end. There's a couple people in this thread already who I think really have it together when they talk about spirituality. But my gut is telling me something different, and maybe it will resonate with you.

What stuck out to me was that you described the feeling as robotic, as being like you weren't there. That suggests dissociation from a very strong feeling to me, although I think it could also happen in a case where you felt pressure to feel a specific emotion that you didn't feel.

I am wondering if it's only during the funeral that you feel this way, or if it continues. When you think about your cat now, what do you feel?



posted on Nov, 8 2008 @ 07:31 AM
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reply to post by americandingbat
 


woops, double post.

[edit on 11/8/2008 by Good Wolf]



posted on Nov, 8 2008 @ 07:35 AM
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Originally posted by americandingbat
What stuck out to me was that you described the feeling as robotic, as being like you weren't there. That suggests dissociation from a very strong feeling to me, although I think it could also happen in a case where you felt pressure to feel a specific emotion that you didn't feel.


I think this is what's going on. It didn't make sense to me at the time but this seems to.


I am wondering if it's only during the funeral that you feel this way, or if it continues. When you think about your cat now, what do you feel?


I still don't feel anything when I conjure up memories of Milo's dieing.

I think it's like in my mind, Milo and family have been separated from the emotions once attached to them so the dead body becomes nothing but an object - blank.



posted on Nov, 8 2008 @ 07:59 AM
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I think that's a natural response to loss for many of us.

I'm going to talk a little about how it is for me, because it's something I experience too. But what I say may not apply to your situation at all – take from it anything that is helpful and leave the rest. I'm not here to diagnose you or tell you what's going on inside your head – you've got to make the call on that.

First I should say that I find that shutting-down feeling almost unbearable. There's a proper word for it from psychology, but I forget if it's derealization or depersonalization. The name isn't really important. To me it feels frustrated and desperate.

I do think that to a certain level, shutting down emotions after a loss is just a way to give myself time to process all the feelings – that if I were to let myself feel it all right away – the fear, anger, sadness, loneliness – I would be overwhelmed.

When it becomes problematic for me is when I let my fear overtake my need to move past something. For me, what I'm most often afraid of is that there will be no one there to comfort me if I let myself go – that I will find myself alone and in need. That fear sometimes becomes so big that I get stuck in the dissociation and can't let myself grieve and move on.

Some things that have helped me get over that hump in the past include writing about whatever it is I have lost, talking to someone about it (in person works much better than online usually), or watching a tearjerker movie about a similar situation. Somehow all these things help me get the hurt out of my head into the real world so that I can see that the world hasn't ended. Then I can feel all the sadness and anger that comes with losing someone important to me.

I hope that's helpful to you. I really think that what you're experiencing is a perfectly natural and normal defense against hurt. It will probably go away by itself (I often start having very vivid dreams when I'm moving from dissociation about something to acceptance). If you're finding the dissociation bothersome, though, you might try writing about it.

Take care



posted on Nov, 8 2008 @ 10:06 AM
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No, I'm afraid it doesn't help much but there's not much to help any more. I think I have been told everything I need to hear on this thread. Thanks guys


But thanks you your contribution all the same.


Vivid dreams, aye?? I'll be sure to take note of any I have.



posted on Nov, 10 2008 @ 02:49 AM
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I'd like to add something you probably hadn't thought of: Psychopathy. Psychopathy is caused by loss of innocence. Men who use pornography, or commit sodomy, or fornication; have a glaze over their hearts.

This is one of the more dishonest posts around. The psychopath is the restless heart, that will never mend. I have a few questions, if you ever come back to this post:

Do you view people primarily as a means to an end?
Are you good at manipulation? (i.e. can you get others to do what you want them to do?)
Do you have any problems keeping track of time, or following a detailed list of instructions?
Is your ideal sleep schedule different than a typical well adjusted person's?
Does light hurt your eyes?
Have you ever abused anyone, even an animal?
When you picture in your mind one of your living relatives, is he/she missing a head?
Do you have flashes of consciousness where you see people being brutally butchered?
Have you ever cursed God in your thoughts?
Are you more likely to plot vengeance, or forgive?
Do you have any diagnosed form of mental illness?
Are, or were any of your bloodline Freemasons?
Were you baptized Roman Catholic, but left The Church?
Do you use pornography?
Are you interested in violence: gangster accounts, medieval torture implements, etc?
Have you ever wished you had, or imagined you really did have super powers, to help you get revenge on your enemies?
Have you ever thought you were destined for a special purpose, that no one else was destined for?
Have you ever been preoccupied with windfall, or a high standard of living, without expenditure of time and effort?
Have you sought hidden knowledge, that would give you economic advantage over others?
Have you used occult mystics, such as astrologers, fortune tellers, taro readers?
Have you used occult paraphernalia, or body tattoos and piercings?
Have you had sexual contact outside the bonds of Sacramental Matrimony?
Have you ever thought you were under a curse?
Have you ever been absolutely positive you are not under a curse?
Do you believe the governmentally mandated minimum is the ideal standard of conduct?
Do you get on well with children?
When provoked, do you comply with the provocateur, and then plot vengeance?
Do you avoid confrontation?
Do you get impatient?
Do you often feel like life is pointless; or if there is a point to it, you'll never figure it out?
Is there anything you do, repeatedly, that would be considered sin?
Are you into fiction/fantasy, aliens, scifi, new age, massage therapy, reiki, the occult, magic, and/or sorcery?
Have you looked for God, not been able to find Him, and then given up?
Do you have any unexplained and undesirable physical symptoms?
Have you ever attempted to place God inside a box of non-existence?

Don't answer these in the thread. Just go over them. If you answered yes to more than any 2 of them, you are in spiritual bondage, bearing the guilt for the sins of your dead ancestors.

Grief of the living for the dead, ransoms souls of departed loved ones from Purgatory. This is why grief eventually ends. The departed loved one enters Heaven. There are several approaches you could take. Let me suggest just one:

Remain chaste. Do good deeds for the poor. Give money to the poor. Practice Roman Catholicism. Mortify yourself with fasting. Spend 1/2 hour per day knocking on God's Door. Confess and repent from sin. Remove all ungodly things from your home. Contact Selwyn Stevens. He lives in New Zealand. He'll deliver you. He may be reached at Jubilee Resources.






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