posted on May, 24 2008 @ 05:38 PM
Looking back on my earlier post, I realised that it's memoprial day weekend and not verterans day weekend. My mind at that time wasn't fully
functional and it still isn't yet.
I'm gonna type this in as I think of things. Sorta a stream of consciousness type post. This may serve as a clearing house for memories. Please
excuse any bad spellings due to the fact that in order to more completely release changing spellings by going back may interrupt thoughts. Don't
worry, I'll keep it clean.
There are several things that concerning him are going through my mind.
1) His accent. You see, I'm from Wisconsin (and that's where I'm living). So hearing a Tennessee (or thereabouts) is something that sticks in
your mind. I keep hearing his voice. No it's not telling me to do nasty things. But it's more like when he was talking about him not knowing what
was wrong with him and the doctors couldn't tell him (or wouldn't). I remember him telling me about when a doctor from the VA telling him that the
reason for his pain was a pinched nerve. His increasing levels of pain killers that he was prescribed. It's scarey but I watched him degenerate.
2) The botched diagnosis that the doctors gave him. Pinched nerve my *bleep*! They didn't investigate his lumps until it was too late. I know he
complained about them months before. They pretty much ignored that symptom. And these are the people that I entrust my medical care since due to the
fact that I'm a unemployed veteran I have no choice.
3) The funeral is gonna be in a few day although I haven't heard anything. There's a good chance that I'll have to work then though. Besides I
don't have anything nice to wear to a funeral.
4) I keep thinking of my own mortality. And it depresses me at times. I've been told that 47 isn't old but man I feel pretty old at times. It
would be so easy to sorta curl up and ignore the world and wish that it would all go away. Age, My living situation (homeless shelter), impending
transportation problems getting to work and back, possible problems with my case manager, worrys that I'm slowly losing my grip and maybe sliding
into a deep pit of depression. The world seems so dark at times.
5) Here at the shelter we maintain a population of around 50 - 60 homeless veterans at all times. Last year there were 14 deaths amongst people who
left the program. Ussually for alchol or drug abuse once released. So far this year there's been at least 3 or 4. One I didn't know but 2 that I
have known. Tina passed away a couple of weeks ago and now Jeff. I remember making for Tina's room a little printout sign in old english script on
my computer. It said "Tina's tranquil den". 2 deaths within 2 weeks and one hadn't even left the program yet.
6) thanks for listening to me ramble on a bit. I didn't want to overload your U2U box with my drivel. I appreciate the offer none the less. I hope
that you don't mind if I on occasion post here concerning my thoughts abot Jeff and what happenns next. I need to release just a bit and this seems