Is this it? Is this really it?

I'm not sure if this belongs in the Rant section or not, since it's really just a stream of thoughts that I desperately need to get out of my head and hopefully get some input on. I figured this was probably the most fitting forum for that. I know it's long winded, but I'd really appreciate some input if anyone has any. I don't really know where to begin, so I'm just going to write. If this seems "all over the place," I apologize in advance.

I know it's kind of typical of people in my age group (21,) but I just feel what I can only describe as very unsatisfied with life in general. Not necessarily my life, because I know that I have a good life compared to many, but really with the whole point of things. I've felt this way for a couple of years now, and I really don't know what to do. I'm happy most of the time, but I'll go through periods where all I want to do is leave. Drive away. Go somewhere I've never been and just be a hermit. I feel like everything we do in life is all because we have to, and I honestly don't feel like I'll ever be happy with this. People always tell me to do what makes me happy, but I'm really not sure I even know what makes me happy. My goal so far is to earn my business degree (I'm in my 3rd year of college,) and become a police officer, but when I really look inside myself, I'm not at all passionate about either of these things. I feel like being a police officer is something that I could be good at. I'm physically fit, I get good grades, so I suppose that means I'm at least somewhat intelligent, and it's something that I feel could be meaningful if approached the right way. But will it make me happy? I have no idea. I only picked it because I'm being forced to pick something. Is that the way it is for everybody? Do people just swallow the feelings I'm having now and accept it?

I started dating a girl about 4 months ago. I'm 21 years old (20 when I met her,) and it's the first relationship I've ever had. This isn't because I wasn't able to meet girls, but because I never really considered it important. You might be wondering how this ties in, but it does. She really helps to eliminate those feelings that I've been having. Being with her feels like there's something more..something to wake up for, and it feels great. She really makes me happy. Just being with her eliminates those feelings of pointlessness I experience, and I love it. I'd even say I love her. But now things are getting weird.

It could just be my paranoia, but she doesn't seem as interested in me as she used to. I'm sort of feeling like she's in that "I need space" phase, which I've seen is pretty much a death warrant for relationships. I casually asked her if everything was ok, and she said yes, so I'm trying not worry too much about it. I'm giving her the space she needs, and we'll see what happens. Now, I was pretty shaken up about this all day today. To think that the thing in my life that makes me feel truly happy might be slipping away is terrible. I should also mention that my brother's girlfriend just broke up with him as well, and I've been talking to him and trying to help him through it all day, so I'm sure that's adding to my already somewhat irrational fears.

So, my brother went out with some friends of his, and I just felt like I needed to get out. My girlfriend didn't want to hang out, so I went for a long walk. I thought a lot about life and the meaning of things like I always do to try to clear my head, but this time it was different. I realized it's not my girlfriend that I'm worried about, but once again with life in general. She helped to get rid of the feelings I was having, but I learned tonight that nothing is ever going to really make them go away. The feelings I had before are merely hiding behind the feelings I have for her, and as soon as the very real prospect of us breaking up reared its ugly head, they were back ten fold. It made me realize that I need to do something big with my life - something really big that will make me feel like there's meaning behind all of this. Something independent of things on the surface that most people call being happy. Otherwise I'm never going to be happy. I'm a capable individual, so I have confidence that I can do something big with my life, but I have no idea where to start. I need to do some soul searching I suppose, but I'm not even sure how to do that. As I mentioned before, outside of my girlfriend and the usual things that make a person happy, I have no idea what will really make me a happy person. Fulfillment, I suppose, is the word I'm looking for. I'm at the point where even though I'm still in school and living at home, I feel like an adult. And in feeling like an adult, a whole new set of things to be considered important have surfaced. Again, I'm feeling an increasing desire for fulfillment in my life, and a lack of ways to deal with that desire. It's a scary feeling, but one I've realized I need to face.

Well, if you got through that whole thing, I'd really appreciate some input. Whew! I feel better already just getting that off of my chest.

just don't go to school to get an average degree make an average salary and live an average life

what did you want to be growing up as a kid?

be that

if you don't mind hard work and people telling you you won't do it, then do it

if you wanted to be lots of different things, then be them? why not? the only thing limiting you is time

[edit on 6-4-2008 by OSSkyWatcher]

Sorry .. must have hit a wrong key. Don't know how it happened, actually. Actual post below.

Again .. apologies

[edit on 6-4-2008 by Dock6]

Well Herman, you're already streets ahead of most people your age .. and even many who're twice your age. You're smart. But you know that anyway.

Most fill that void with drink, drugs, consumerism, 'lurrve', etc. You see through all that. Very good. You're very smart. Very aware. Intuitive. Honest.

Career's there ahead of you but you're not lying to yourself -- already suspect you most probably won't feel fulfilled despite that you're qualified and capable.

People are telling you, 'Go be happy .. follow your dream' etc. It's what people say. If challenged, they point to the 'success' stories. Don't tell you (or maybe they're not aware) about the 99% who failed to make it in whatever area. All the girls who failed to make it as ballerinas despite training for years. All the kids who failed to make it to the Olympics, despite getting up at 4 am daily, for years, to train. They're left with nothing. They didn't have time to erect a safety-net. Didn't believe they needed one. Others felt that if you give yourself 100% to your dream, it would be a compromise to even consider a safety-net. Others 'lived their dream' so hard they absolutely refused to consider they may not achieve it. But they're out there, millions of them --- people who lived and breathed and gave their all to their 'dream' --- as advised --- and who spend the rest of their lives in bitterness and disbelief, feeling like failures.

You want to do 'something big' with your life.

' Big ' to whom? Something you believe to be 'big' ? Or what you want others to regard as 'big' ? I think that is THE important question. And one you must answer (to yourself and for your own benefit of course).

For example, my idea of 'big' is managing to depart this life as close as possible, in terms of overall 'goodness', as I entered it. I usedto say my ultimate ambition and guide-stone was to depart 'as good as' I'd entered life. But unfortunately, one too many stressors destroyed that ambition. Nevertheless, I'm still aiming high. Although my 'high' would be regarded as 'pointless' by many. Perhaps many consider dying with a million dollars in the bank to be 'big'.

So, as I'm confident you're already aware, 'big' is in the eye of the beholder.

You've seen through a lot of life's traps. You have a forty year head-start on most as far as inherent wisdom is concerned.

All you have to do is define what 'big' means. Whose definition of 'big' --- yours or other's ?

Once you've defined it to your satisfaction (which may take minutes or forty years) then your course will be set.

Good luck

Thanks a lot for the replies, guys.

Skywatcher,

I never had anything as a kid that I really wanted to be. I had those things like Rock Star or pro. athlete when I was in gradeschool, but as far as anything actually attainable...not much. There were things, like right now, that I settled on because I figured I could do them. But right now, I really don't feel much like settling.

Dock,

Thanks for the kind words. I hope that all of this thinking I do gives me at least a slight edge, otherwise I've wasted a lot of brain power. You're right about the "failure" stories. It's interesting when you look at that...everybody wants to be part of the 1%.

Unfortunately, 'Big' is quite a subjective term as you already pointed out. I used to say 'Big' to me meant either something that made a noticeable difference on things, or something that made me enough money so that I could go out and do everything I want to do - like traveling, owning really nice homes in places I really want to live, etc. And now, I'm not even sure about that. Making a difference is another subjective term. I mean, pretty much anything you can think of can be scaled down to look small or meaningless in comparison to something else. I think by something big, all I really want is something which I feel truly passionate about and to which I can actually fully devote myself. But finding that thing, like I said before, is going to take a lot of soul searching. Then, of course, in the midst of all of this; after spending my whole life avoiding relationships (Mainly because I already had all of this other stuff on my mind,) I wind up finding a person who means everything to me. Now I've got a whole new set of things in addition to the things I already had.

Soul searching...but where on earth do I start!?

She helped to get rid of the feelings I was having, but I learned tonight that nothing is ever going to really make them go away. The feelings I had before are merely hiding behind the feelings I have for her, and as soon as the very real prospect of us breaking up reared its ugly head, they were back ten fold

Heman ... hope you write the above words down and stick them where you'll see them. Maybe stick them in a few places.

You wrote them. You're very smart to have articulated your awareness in the midst of your romantic pain.

They show that you know exactly the type of contortions your mind is engaged in . Few are ever aware. And very few are brave enough to acknowledge it.

Nature is a cunning beast. As I'm sure you're aware.

Nature wants people to breed. After that, Nature has no real use for them.

Few escape Nature's dictates and wiles. Few are so self-aware that they can see what's happening to them as it happens. You are an exception.

'Love' leads to reproduction, or at least that's how Nature plans it.

Reproduction means little kids .. just as you were a little kid.

LIttle kids will cause you to lay down everything you have on their behalf.

Housing, food, education, presents, medical, dental, secondary and tertiary education, etc.

By the time that's done, you're in your mid-40's. Too old, in most instances, to chase down your dreams. In most cases, it's too painful for people to even think about the dreams they had when younger.

'Dreams' now involve seeing their grown children safely settled.

Then 'dreams' become about their grandchildren.

Today's 'love' is next year's indifference or even loathing.

But few escape Nature's designs.

Nature doesn't give a damn about your dreams .. or about your future grandchildren's dreams.

All Nature wants is for you to breed. And for your grandchildren to breed. And for wolves and dandelions and flies to continue breeding.

Nature regards you as simply a vehicle whereby it may replace you on the planet. Your dreams are your own -- they exist despite Nature. To pursue your dreams, let alone fulfill them, you have to be smart enough to escape Nature's wiles. Few are.

And even fewer will admit they they live/lived Nature's dream rather than their own. They refuse to acknowledge they were reduced by Nature to mere vehicles for succeeding generations. They claim that marrying and having children 'fulfilled' them. And they make themselves believe it.

Next time you're at the supermarket, study the elderly and elderly couples. And know that in a good percentage of them, lie aborted dreams, beneath the 'contented' smiles. Oh ... and even though no-one will be able to convince you, most probably ... life is so swift. So incredibly swift. No refunds.

Age one to twenty ... seems long.

Twently to thirty goes much faster than you can imagine.

Thirty to forty ... the swiftness of time is starting to sink in and people are trying to find reverse gear.

Forty to fifty ... lots of soul-searching (and realisation of just how fast life is).

Fifty to sixty .. paying for the past.

Sixty to seventy ... so much to impart, no-one wants to hear it.

Seventy plus ... the big unspoken question is: ' What was it all supposed to be about ?'

You're right about nature, Dock. And truth be told, that's another one of the big reasons I hardly dated through highschool, and am just now having my first real relationship at the age of 21. But even knowing all of that, even thinking through it a million times, it's near impossible not to get swept up in nature's plans, because they really do offer a feeling of fulfillment. Even knowing that it all comes down to simple reproduction and the survival of the human species...no other feeling can rival the feeling of finding the right person. Perhaps that's because we're merely a product of nature that's found a way to develop free will. Everything else in the world just abides by nature's law, but we look for more. The question, to me, is does "more" really exist, or is it just a product of the human mind created because of how depressing it is to think that our entire existence is all for reproduction? If we are a product of nature, wouldn't it make sense that fulfilling nature's plans would give us our own sense of fulfillment? I guess, again, I need to do some serious soul searching and find out what "more" really means to me.