This thread deals with the possibilities of systematically"reprogramming" an individual over the course of several years (please bear with me, this
is difficult to write about, there is so much involved...) :
I grew up roughly like anyone else.
It wasn't perfect, but then again - nothing ever is. There were things I didn't understand, things I had to learn and things I learned how to
When I was roughly 18 years of age, on my own and unable to cope with the pressures of an adult world I couldn't understand - I experienced a
complete and total breakdown. I was diagnosed with schizoaffective bipolar disorder disorder and given a perscription of antipsychotics.
I was able to recover without the use of medications, and did rather well for myself until about 10 years later. I found my therapy in nature and
writing music, traveling and meeting new people. I studied theology from across the world and looked for a possible spiritual explanation for what I
was going through.
Suddenly, around the middle of 1999 - I was having episodes and losing touch left and right.
I estimate that since the symptoms began reoccrring I have been hospitalized over 20 times, and been given every antipsychotic medication on the
market to try and level out my symptoms.
I've also moved four times since this began surfacing, and I've noticed there is no "across the board" treatment in inpatient facilities -
sometimes it's constructive therapy (rarely), and other times it's nothing more than crayons and television and a hefty bill at the end of the
Several years ago, in between visits and staying true to my medications, I suddenly found myself going into what I can only describe as trance states.
I would find myself on the internet systematically looking for particualr subjects outside my normal field of interest.
A lot of these topics dealt with brainwashing, cults, and the infamous MKULTRA and Monarch Projects.
About five years ago, I noticed a disturbing trend in how I was being treated when these episodes hit.
(For the record - I am passive, non violent and very childlike in these states. I experience involutary mutism and have minor dissociative fugues,
even though I know how to return to my home - I tend to wander for some reason.)
Invariably - some well meaning individual notices a girl "behaving oddly" and calls in local law enforcement. Now - mind you, I can't speak during
these times - but I can follow orders.
Ambulances terrify me these days. I don't know why this is - I have never had an irrational fear of such things. Some of the local law enforcement
frighten me as well...and this is odd because I've never had anything but respect for the Police.
But the real issue I suppose is the hospitals. I am not given sedatives any more. I am given an anti-psychotic that immediately plunges me into
darkness - and the procedure of being administered this agent is not a pleasant one by any means, even though I am passive and non combative and more
than happy to comply with any orders, I am systematically assaulted by a throng of nurses who overwhelm me in their attempt to get a needle in my
thigh or buttock as quickly as possible.
The last time I had an episodic fugue and one of these injections I awoke several hours later in the treatment facility, standing outside and having a
conversation while smoking a cigarette with the other patients. I do not recall the ride to the facility, nor walking outside, nor lighting up or
even what I was talking about.
All I know is that I was having a conversation, and when it was time to go back inside, I blacked out yet again and woke up in bed the next day with
no ill affects.
Since this last major episode, I have had minor symptoms, have remained faithful to my perscription - but have yet to find a therapist I can afford
who is able to work with me in deciphering what I have been through the past eight years.
I ask about Systematic Reprogramming in that since this condition has escalated it feels as if everytime I come out of the hospital I am losing a part
Quite honestly - I was once a bright, articulate, creative person in tune with myself and the world....and now I struggle with self expression on
several fronts. I feel completely disconnected with a healthy way of life, and I can no longer hold even the simplest of jobs.
I went from being open and casual to being very closeted and introverted. One of the primary ways I dealt with the onset of the condition for those
10 years was to sit quietly in cafes and write out my thoughts and feelings - now I can barely pick up a pen, let alone sit in a cafe and feel like a
I hesitate to leave my house each and every day - I am full of fear and the only routine I have anymore is waking up my husband and making him dinner
and coffee every night.
I feel like a Stepford Wife.
Is it possible that I have been "reconditioned"?
Is such a thing possible?
(please forgive me if I rambled - but there is so much I didn't know where to begin...I'llbe happy to answer any questions as they come up - thanks
for your time.)
[edit on 5-3-2007 by GENERAL EYES]