All alone..

I live an unfamiliar area with no friends whatsoever. I had a small handful of aquaintences, (Can't spell) but ultimately noone. I live alone, and my only source of cummunication is the phone and internet. I guess i'm best described as an anti-social. I don't know why, but i've always been that way, I guess. Even in highschool I had a small group of friends, and a few more aquaintences. Most of which befriended me for other cliques and such. I was labeled as one of the "Goth" kids. I really didn't like that very much, but oh well. I'm now aware of an anxiety I had at a young age, not sure why. I was always afraid of large bodies of people in one area.. Well, not afraid, I just didn't really feel comfortable about it. Like I noted earlier, I had a few friends, basically other kids who fit in the label. One of those friends meant dear to me, that friend is gone now. I moved away from my last town, now I reside somewhere else. This whole place is unfamiliar to me. I work, but I don't really talk to my co-workers. I go to school, but online classes. I really don't know what to do, it's not that easy for me to drop what I once had and build a new establishment. I still talk to a few of my old buddies, but their lives have been slowly going down the drain.. One destined to do great things, was validvictorian, now a drunk in college, on anti-depressants as well. Another is a pothead and also a drunk, he helped me alot in the past, I feel I didn't help him enough though, considering his place in life now. Another befriended me and is now in college, I talked with him quite recently, but he thinks i've changed too much. Another won't even speak to me.. One has a kid, totally different.. And last but not least, the only one who could actually lift me off of the gravel after being kicked, is dead. That last one hit me hard, unforgetable.. The story moves onward, i'm here and I feel all alone. I still have my family, but 200 miles away.. I'm basically on my own, hoping for a better day to come everytime I close my eyes. Everythings pretty rugged right now.. I need some advice..I think. I've seen a psycologist, but I believe they only tell you your story in a different format. I've put myself on prescribed medications, for some reason I have a high tolerance against any drug. I really hate to say it, but i'm a mess.. I feel pretty stupid having to post my problems on an ATS forum, oh well, whatever. I don't really expect anyone to reply anyways, people have more important things to do than to reply to some adolescent who "see's eveything ten times worse then things can possibly be" right? Haha...

[edit on 25-2-2007 by MadSeason313]

[edit on 25-2-2007 by MadSeason313]

heyyy young man we all gotta vent. I myself feel the same way...kinda...AT work I am extroverted and people come in by the droves, but when I am at home I roomate with two old men and my teenage son....so I kinda can relate as he is having same like issues...Usually boredom is the measure of inner emptiness...In other words you are READY to move to another level in your life. Depression is suppression of who you REALLY are. SO now is the time to soul search and figure out just WHAT IS IT that you are desiring or what internally is the real issue. These outer things are only a mask to the internal. Soul seaching is my final answer and find out what comes next for you in this crossroad/stage of life.

Er, thanks for posting.. I really didn't think anyone was going to post, and if they did, not that quickly. Well, as for searching for my internal soul searching.. I've started to begin that process about 2 years ago.. I've had a hell of a lot of soul searching.. I've discovered sides of my personality I never knew I had.. I've been looking into astrology readings online, just to line my view of myself to theirs.. It's pretty interesting. Some traits from astrology actually fit in with my true personality.. I've opened up to some other people close to me, i've opened up alot. I'm a far more serious person now than I ever was before. I've taken off the mask and am showing my personality as I speak..Er, text. I've tried meditation, i've tried feeding good notes into my sub-conciounce. I've tried many things to make myself more presentable to people, and to myself. Things are easier said than done, so I believe.. I took some Myers Briggs test not too long ago for my class i'm taking..I fit into 1% of The U.S.'s population, personality wise.. I'm a "protector", or a "Sentinel".. My teach even thought it was weird.. I don't know, i'll take it into consideration again.. But i'll tell ya, soul searching is one hard process.

i HAVE SEVERE INSOMNIA TONITE...lol Had a first date in 10 years and kind of wired me up is why I posted so quickly.....Soul searching is a life long process, so it never ends...LOL IN my 30's I thought I finally had myself down pat..only in my 40's to grow again. I enjoy posting on this forum so I can kind of air my head out~~~ANything from humor, serious political...etc...so its a great outlet to vent. Maybe try not trying...heheh just maybe let things be for a while and give yourself a break:-) But those are good qualities been found for a youngin'....

I'll take it into consideration..

MadSeason313 if your human then your part of my family.

I was built for listening to people

check my sig

and u2u me at your convenience

Er..Thanks?..Heh. I'm not too sure what u2u is, so I can't "u2u" you if I don't know what it is. .. I'm sure it has something to do with the google talk though.. Get back to me on that one.

Originally posted by MadSeason313
Er..Thanks?..Heh. I'm not too sure what u2u is, so I can't "u2u" you if I don't know what it is.

.. I'm sure it has something to do with the google talk though.. Get back to me on that one.

see your member icon? It should be flashing "saying you have a u2u" (u2u is the ATS personal message service) click on it and view the message you have.

Cool thanks bro.. I just tried to u2u you, but I need 20 or more posts to actually send private messages, shouldn't be long, considering I love the death out of this site.. A day or so, give or take.. But yeah..It's cool to know I have an ATS "buddy".. Your probably one of the first people to atleast lend me a hand when i'm on the ground..Online anyways .. Other than that, the people who have tried to help me are paid "professionals", just doing there job.. Some I believe really cared, but they never would have known me if it wasn't for money purposes. Same goes here to bro, if you ever need any advice or anything i'll be available most of the time.. I can see past my own problems and help when someone is in time of need.. It's pretty hard for me to "trust" people.. I've had a kinfe in my back one too many times, from people I would have defended to death.. I'm not too sure about those people anymore though.. In fact, if anyone needs any advice just ask, it's what i'm good for.. Well, thanks anyway bro.. I'll seriously keep that in mind.

Awww. It's going to be okay, buddy. Give me a hug! Let's be friends.

Sounds like a horrible place in your life,


But you know, this is the first step, Getting it out,

I really feel for you, Being alone can be a horrible thing and feeling like that most of your life must be horrible, you sound like you really want to come out of that shell,

I do think you need to stop hiding away (Easier said than done)

And also waiting for that better day, You need to make that better day happen, Don't wait for it to land on your lap get out there and grab it,

Seems like you have a problem with communicating with people you don't know, how about joining a Karate group? this may help you gain some confidence at the very least,

Or what other interests do you have? maybe there's something somewhere you could join.

You need to feel better about your self inside and out so make sure you eat the right food, (sounds odd) but its true, how about a new look?
kinda making changes to make you feel better,

dont feel alone we are all here for you,

dont worry man....Im in the same position...I just moved to a town where I know noone and have no way to meet knew people so if you need anything U2U me Ill always listen

I can relate to this, when I left to college I knew no one.

It sucked, I was always alone, lived alone.

I'm all better now and you will be too.

Cheers

I am about to be all alone and I can't wait!

I live up in the mountains, miles away from everything. I work from home so I don't see anyone at work. My spouse is leaving soon (it's a good thing!) and so I will be totally by myself.

I am really looking forward to it. For me, it's just time for a solitary chapter in my life. Time to take it easy for a bit and do things my own way, enjoy my own space, have some time for introspection, and just celebrate my own accomplishments and victories.

If you aren't ready for it though, I can see where it would bother you.

Know this, things always change. It's just about the only thing we can count on. Things change.

This time in your life isn't a permanent situation. It's just a chapter. Either make the best of it or find a way to change it - you have the power to do either....

...and if you do nothing, it will still change eventually anyway. Things always do.

Thanks for all of the supports, honestly.. There is a major detail in the story that I left, I don't think I could post it, not just yet anyways.. If I did post it, i'm sure it would come back and stab me like a sharpened knife.. I'm sure that if I did include this "small" portion of the story you would all almost certainlly question me all together.. It's nothing "wrong" or illegal, it's just very confusing.. I probably will post it later, but not anytime soon.. And i'm positive it will give everyone a better POV of how it is to be me.. How many people here actually live with fear on their minds constantly? It's not being scared...It's fearing that there is nothing you can do about it. Constant realization... One of my worse enemys. Listen to the song 'Nutshell', by Alice In Chains.. It pretty much gives a good layout of my life.. And some aspects of the song are quite literal.. Whatever..

You are an empath my friend. You are in tune with peoples energy more than most and you also project your feelings so others almost shun you. Dont worry the ones that matter will show up in your life keep your empathic feelings ready to know when they come.

Friends from school almost always fade away, I know it is lonely now but you have friends here. This place is AS important as the real world because it is all a dream of the singularity anyway and all this is illusion.

As above so below, your new friend ~LGM

Edit to add: P.S. No I am not a girl, just sporting a new avatar!

[edit on 27-2-2007 by LoneGunMan]

This is proabably the most i've ever shared my 'emotions' to anyone ever.. Aside from my dead friend of course.. Usually this should be easy for someone on the internet.. But I have my reasons why I with hold the 'small' bit of the story I mentioned earlier.. I'm not trying to gather attention by letting someone in on a small portion of my life and then shutting them out, leaving them to ask for more.. THat's just not the type of person I am.. I was certain the few friends I had were going to divided anyways.. Atleast see half of them go down in their own demise.. Or my own demise.. Like I said in my first post, my friends are all over the place.. Some doing good and some doing bad..

Just to start off on, my post is basically a crap load of whining and gramaticall errors.. I just took like 5 ambien xl's or whatever.. Sleeping meds. I've been prescribes them for almost a year now.. My whole world is totallt spinning out of control.. I was reading something online today, and it made me think alot... About things i'm sure even you guys cared about... Things that may once had you attention in such a way.. Wow..The ceiling blows like a tarp in the wind.. As does the walls.. My main reason in taking that many pillS? Just to sleepj;k I was sick of thinking at the moment. It's been a few hours now... I just took the 5th one like 5 secs ago.... EveRYTHING IS ALOT EASIER TO TALK TO/ everything is... Oh mygod.. theres going to be somany typos by the end of this post.. My hands ffel like they are playing DDR and i'll tell you this... they couldn't play, even if theri lives depended on it. sSo much fo their family, having to be held in those cells , just like dirt.. All because some fingers didn't want to dance to their full potential.. I recall one finger just eating pizza and talking to the shoe distributer lady! I wonder how finger make love!! I mean, watch this hgb xmnbgxgbmmgkhftjk,xgfbtbl,bhybhfgghbbhbhgbvhbffbffdffdgd tfvdmn Wow, I just ssen the most disgustiiong thing i've seen all night.. As I noted earlier about the typops,,,, i'm a bit twirley right now... I gonna try the lucid dream bulcrap tongiht.. oiuWell... I don't know who's thread this is.. But i'm sure he's pissed... Chose this spot to rant ,, it was unintentional ...Oh man...This is my thread isn't it? wow... When on this stuff you can hear music everywhere.. You hear chimes in song that you've listened to for years.. I'm a little worried here though. lollll Well, i'm gonna listen to an lucid dream tape... Poopppppppp

You know what? I'm A FREAKEN MESS RIGHT NOW!! Just a taste of who I am... Next time maybe i'll sing a song and make an a#^ out of myself.. I'm getting pretty tired now.. so yea... I'll come back here tomorrow and edi all that I have said.. Hell, I don't even what know saying right now.. holy carp,, huh?? Oh well, whatever,nevermind!

MadSeason313, you've probably heard this rant alot of times but aim to free yourself from those meds. I had to take terrible stuff that debilitated me when I had schizophrenia. I am no expert but IMO try to release yourself from them gradually when they cease to become medically beneficial for you.

Stay strong buddy.



[edit on 28-2-2007 by Selmer2]

HEY MAN... IT'S NOT ABOUT BEING MENTALLY STABEL... OR EVEN STAYING ALIVE AT THAT.. IT'S ALL ABOUT THE WAY IT TASTES!!
They make you feel like this :bnghd:
Or this
Possibly this
Or:shk::shk:

But they just taste so damn goood ...

Nah.. i'm just being stupid right now.. I know what you mean.. Statistics show that the majority of teens on anti-depressants or any other medications at that, are welcomed to violence and or suicide alot easier, then if they weren't on them.. I'll take it into consideration man.. It's just that, if I have nothing, theres nothing to lean on.