NN2021 Today

I am in the greenhouse counting starts. I need to make $300 on starts this year to make up for my garden expenditures.

50 tomato starts at $4 each.... 100 strawberry starts at $2 each...

It is time to start about 50 pattypans and 50 zucchini from my seeds.

Last year I did about 900 starts of different things, but this year my heart isn't in it.

I wander out to the garden. The herb beds are coming up again so it is time to replant the basil. A weed needs picked here, a weed there... the smell of lavender makes my heart skip a beat. Was that a footstep?

I turn to look and she is not there. The lavender smell was not her... it was just the lavender.

Stop thinking about it. You will be fine. She's gone. Deal with it.

The sun is setting as I go into the house. A beautiful sunset actually, if I cared about such things.

The silence inside is deafening so I put on an old Alanis Morissette album.

I'm not really hungry but know I must eat so I pull some trout out of the freezer to thaw. I have always packaged them in two portions but now I only need one.

Because she is not here anymore.

Oh for crying out loud... Stop it! You will be just fine. She's gone. Deal with it.

The phone rings... it is my daughter.

"Hi mom! How are you doing?"
"I'm fine sweetheart. Just getting the garden going. How are you?"

The conversation thankfully turns into everything about my daughter and nothing about me. I say the right words at the right times until she is done and I can get back to...

Well, my life now.

I do the dishes and think about what to do next. A movie? Get online for a bit? Read a book? Play a game?

Nothing seems interesting so I might as well go to bed.

What used to be our bed and now is my bed.

I should probably buy a smaller one but that would just be wasting money.

I lay down and do what I always do at the end of the day... plan my tomorrow, figure out my chores, think about my long term goals and how to get there.

Although I know that tomorrow will just be another today.

I realize that my long term goals no longer really interest me either, but I will keep working on them because eventually I will see colors again, eventually I will be something again, eventually I will feel hunger, sadness, joy and love.

I just can't feel all that right now.

This is my new normal.

The End.

a reply to: Lumenari

I deleted, 😔

Ok off I go.
Bigburgh
Timmy!

a reply to: Bigburgh

I was writing about how I felt today because my wife died in December and I am still dealing with it.

I totally suck as a writer if I didn't get that emotion across.

originally posted by: Lumenari
a reply to: Bigburgh

I was writing about how I felt today because my wife died in December and I am still dealing with it.

I totally suck as a writer if I didn't get that emotion across.

OMG,

Ok you got it across, your writing is fine.😟

I am so sorry.
Feeling heavy, and wish there was something I can do.
Damn I suddenly have tears. 😔

So sorry Lumenari,
I get now.

Bigburgh
Tim
🙏🙏

a reply to: Bigburgh

Walk it off, you big pussy!!!



I was just trying to write what I know and throw my heart out there, but I'm 3rd degree sunburn sensitive about the topic.

So I did it anyways.

Thus the song.

a reply to: Lumenari

Walk it off, you big pussy!!!

I can't 😞

I had back surgery last November 15th.... L 3 4 5 s1 fusion. Currently new medication adjustment is Demerol every 6 with 2 Percocet every 3 hours in between. Im likely to strip nekkid and waddle down the street in search of a mobile taco truck.😮

Sorry Lum, glad you’re still here though.

Have us all over for some of that trout, or maybe steelhead! Mmmmm

Bigburg owes you a desert now anyway.

originally posted by: Bigburgh
a reply to: Lumenari

Walk it off, you big pussy!!!

I can't 😞

I had back surgery last November 15th.... L 3 4 5 s1 fusion. Currently new medication adjustment is Demerol every 6 with 2 Percocet every 3 hours in between. Im likely to strip nekkid and waddle down the street in search of a mobile taco truck.😮

Holy crap!

I had read that you had a fusion but didn't understand the severity.

Mine is a simple L5-S1 bone cage with some titanium in the mix and it took me a year to be able to run again.

Do NOT waddle nekkid down the road to the taco truck!!!

They deliver!!!

originally posted by: TexasTruth
Sorry Lum, glad you’re still here though.

Have us all over for some of that trout, or maybe steelhead! Mmmmm

Bigburg owes you a desert now anyway.

He owes me something....

~evil thoughts~

Those who have not lost a mate or watched them die after the suffering that usually comes with death seldom understand what it is like for those who remain. There are good days and other days where emotion breaks over your thoughts like a Tsunami and no matter what, all you can do is stand there and bare it. It can be a song, a place, or even a thought that stirs the waves of emotion that build until even a strong man's eyes leak.

It is good that you are trying to carry on.... as sitting down and giving up just leads to another death.

originally posted by: TexasTruth
Sorry Lum, glad you’re still here though.

Have us all over for some of that trout, or maybe steelhead! Mmmmm

Bigburgh owes you a desert now anyway.

a reply to: 727Sky

I am too stubborn to give up the fight.

And to be honest the fight was always mine alone, although having a companion helped.

But to your post yes... we all have little things that send us in a certain direction mentally.

My wife always wore a lavender scent so anything lavender now sends me down a dark road for a bit.

But to just get rid of the lavender in the garden would be a disservice to her memory.

It is something I need to make right in my head.

I was always taught to write what you know about. That was great!!

originally posted by: olaru12
I was always taught to write what you know about. That was great!!

You write better than I do so I will take that as a compliment.

Thank you!

a reply to: Lumenari

L5-S1 bone cage with some titanium

Yes Anterior Cage Fusion where they cut from the naval down. Move your organs asside. Wanna see my scars?😝

All this was reconstructive with removal of old hardware and for the 8th back surgery an extra added 4 inches of scarring up from thy Beautious Glutious Maximus!!!!

Highhhhhhhhhhh
Soooooooooo
Weeeeeeeee

Guess the body part... hint, I was wearing just a gown with no boxer briefs.

Ok! This thread is about Lumenari. Not ABOUT ME. (There is no forum here on ATS for the Simpleton

a reply to: Lumenari

A scent to let you know she will always be with you always.

There are things in life I can not explain. You may think we're just avatars here, but we've all known of each other for years.

There's a bond here for many of us.

If you ever want company sitting around a campfire at dusk, and clear skies for steller views of stars.
I'm All In.

a reply to: Bigburgh

If you ever want company sitting around a campfire at dusk, and clear skies for steller views of stars.
I'm All In.

Once a year for years I have gathered together people I've known in the military, in my travels, in my life.

A summer solstice party on the weekend closest to June 21.

We party on 400 acres for the weekend and do bad things.

There are usually between 80 and 120 of us.

This year I'm not going to do it... for the reasons in the OP.

But the year after may be fun to include ATS members....

How screwed up would THAT be?

a reply to: Lumenari

Thank you. That was frank, and real and really put me in your day-to-day unsettled edge. You would like a routine. You would like sleep and to feel settled, but you aren't giving up a single memory. My Grandmother said about memories: "look backward fondly, but don't stare." Well written. Much peace.

a reply to: argentus

I am trying break out of my routine but it is still too... early.

And you are ENTIRELY correct that I am not giving up a single memory.

However, I realize that I also have to make new memories.

I just can't do that yet.

~shrug~

a reply to: Lumenari

When the time is right🙌🙌🙌🙏🙏🙏

400 acres and well, what could possibly go right??🙄🙄


Or...
Wro...