I think I really need female advice... what am I doing wrong :/

So first a quick back story. I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 11 years... we agreed. The last couple of years we have mostly been together because of our kids. The old “its best for them”... well its not. Anyways, more or less we have both been mentally single for more than a year.

I have been longing for that companionship with opposite sex for a long time now. Just hanging out, holding hands, cuddling etc.
That lead me to start dating again... I met two sweet women on dating sites and I like to believe im fairly honest when writing my profile text as well as my photos. I would call myself average or a little above, with a little extra on the side.

In both cases I had been writing before meeting and I really felt like we connected. Then the first date comes and it ends up being shorter than I expected. The first one actually looked at her watch. Second time I got a bad feeling when she didnt want us to refill our glasses when asked by the waiter.

Both of them cut me off on text shortly after we left.
I dont know what it is Im doing wrong.... age has made me more relaxed and mild and I dont make any inappropriate moves or anything. I do my best to listen and understand when we converse.

I just dont understand why we can seemingly hit it off before we meet and then it crashes :’(
It actually hurts my heart a little because I really miss having that kind of closeness with a girl /woman and I feel like I invest a lot of myself in these dates.

Oh man...

a reply to: flice

May I ask your general age group? Both yours and the girls...

I ask because (in my experience) age matters in terms of what girls/women are looking for.

And one more question: Did you mention your ex?

a reply to: flice

Don't assume it's you.
Lots of women are looking for a sugar daddy.

Age wise Im 40... first date was 37 with two kids as well. Second date was 48 (she picked me...) with two grown up kids.

Well, going to dinner and staring at each other over forced conversation can be a real drag.

You've got to go do something fun where the center of attraction is something other than each other. Just do something goofy like go play put-put golf, or do something you've never done before (bowling, fly a kite, go for a hike, go to the zoo, take a 1-day cooking class, whatever). "Fun" and kind of whacky but not crazy (like skydiving or cliff diving). One I recommend to people sometimes which always seems to be a hit is, a lot of places have these 1-day art class things where you drink wine and paint. It's even more better if you both suck at painting.

One thing people forget is when they're younger and not married, much of what attracted them to each other was enjoying things you did together which weren't solely about you. Go to a comedy show. There's a million things. Go to lunch, not dinner, at some bizarro place.

Whatever you do, don't be predictable, especially early in any relationship. Just do something fun and different. Laughs are the best thing to make people attracted to each other.

Also, here's some things NOT to do; don't do stuff you know you're good at. If you're a great golfer, then the worst thing you could do is go golfing with someone who isn't. Stay out of your comfort zone and keep things spontaneous.

Best I got. Always worked for me.

ETA - Oh, and one other thing...Never, and I mean NEVER, dwell on the past...ex spouces, kids, bummer stuff. Keep it light.

a reply to: flice


Here on ATS we mostly get along together we make alliances, pm some and get

along fine...........BUT

Were we to meet up in the flesh it could very much be a different story, as in

liking someone we hadn't thought we would, and not so much the ones we

thought we would have an affinity with......


Relationships happen best when we least expect them, when actively seeking

one human nature fills in the gaps and we accept less then we were looking for!!

Then it falls apart and we are back on the merry go round of life.

I could never use one of those dating sites, I am glad I grew up in a time when going to a bar or any social function was a way of finding someone. I met my wife at the laundromat, then I took her next door to the strip club for a drink, it was afternoon, no dancers around yet. I then took her for breakfast before she left back home a hundred miles away. She came up most weekends to see her parents at the camp they stayed at all summer.

I probably never would have been linked to her at a dating site, I would have thought that the wife and I would never have made it, I was an extrovert, she was more introvert when I met her. It works out great, weird but true. I actually got her to be more outgoing without having to drink within a year or two. She liked not locking herself into a shell after a while.

Give it time...and keep stepping up to bat.
It'll take some time to get your dating skills back.
Avoid coming off as too enthusiastic about the date and remember that self-confidence is the greatest aphrodisiac.

a reply to: flice

Perhaps a nice golden retriever or Airedale is what you need if it's just affection you crave. Loyalty without all the interpersonal BS that early romance requires.

But flyinclaydisk had your answer for dating success. Laughter!!! After that playing guitar and singing corny love songs worked for me.


top-funny-jokes.com...

a reply to: flice

it's them, totally. Keep trying. you'll get there.

originally posted by: olaru12
a reply to: flice

Perhaps a nice golden retriever or Airedale is what you need if it's just affection you crave. Loyalty without all the interpersonal BS that early romance requires.

You also meet other dog owners while walking them (like minded

people same interests?) ........ Nothing like dogs to bring owners together?

a reply to: flice

Okay...you're in a hard spot! Sorry. Forgive me ladies, but women tend to go nuts right at about 38. That can be a good thing, or a bad thing. So, you shouldn't take just a couple dates as any sort of sign. I was reading a clinical study recently which was researching the ages at which people were the least happy. I chuckled when I read it was 38 for women, which fully supported what I had been telling people for years. For guys it's later, like 47 (IIRC). So, you're not there yet, and most of the women in your age group already are, hence the 'hard spot' statement.

You should expect a little turbulence before you find someone. In fact, you should actively tell yourself not to jump too early and just enjoy playing the field for a while.

Remember, you're going to run into basically three types; the one on the rebound, the super independent one and the fun one. You just have to find the one with the least baggage.

Also, be honest...are you really upset these two didn't call you back, OR...are you kind of glad? I mean, what if one or both latched onto you, would you be ready to spend your life with either of them???? I'll bet not, so don't be desperate.

Seems to me that almost all the advice is coming from guys, I think he is asking females to help.

Oops, I just read your title edit...you want "female" advice!

Sorry, dude!

ETA - I can find my way out.

a reply to: rickymouse

Yep, I think that was an edit. That or I missed it on the first read, but you're right.

Remember: Stephen King had his first book rejected by publishers 99 times.

originally posted by: Flyingclaydisk

Remember, you're going to run into basically three types; the one on the rebound, the super independent one and the fun one. You just have to find the one with the least baggage.

You missed out one...... The one with the loud biological tick/tock watch.

Also, be honest...are you really upset these two didn't call you back, OR...are you kind of glad? I mean, what if one or both latched onto you, would you be ready to spend your life with either of them???? I'll bet not, so don't be desperate.

originally posted by: flice
I would call myself average or a little above, with a little extra on the side.

? have you a Siamese twin, or something?

My advice is not to try too hard and just keep going. Don't let it become an obsession. I have never internet dated, but I know people who have. A woman I am friends with found her husband through internet dating, but had to go on a hell of a lot of dates before she got anywhere. The dross she ended up with on some dates is worth a book, but it’s all in the eye of the beholder in the end.

a reply to: flice

What's your age?
I'm a 53 year old lifelong bachelor and childless.
I've been doing online dating since the early 1990's....before the internet.

That being said...
What's your age?
Online dating nowadays is brutal.
A person has to have thick skin.
Don't take it personally....women are too picky these days.
It's a number's "game".... there's a certain percentage of women who will really go for you. You just have to go through a lot that won't. MOST ARE MESSED UP SO IT'S NOT YOU
One just has to keep going out until the right one comes up. (I don't do anything that costs me $$ on the first date)
You sound like a nice, sensitive guy. Get a dog. They will love you AND they can help you to meet people AND you will be giving them a life (go to the pound).
Unless someone is a model, dating is very hard these days.

originally posted by: eletheia
a reply to: flice


Here on ATS we mostly get along together we make alliances, pm some and get

along fine...........BUT

Were we to meet up in the flesh it could very much be a different story, as in

liking someone we hadn't thought we would, and not so much the ones we

thought we would have an affinity with......


Relationships happen best when we least expect them, when actively seeking

one human nature fills in the gaps and we accept less then we were looking for!!

Then it falls apart and we are back on the merry go round of life.

love just happens. you can't force it. but it doesn't hurt to look for it.