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I filed the police report on a teacher
And also? After I filed the police report I began to be stalked. I suspect it was the shaking up the bees hive that brought that on. I let the police know about that in a way, too.
originally posted by: geezlouise
People always want so badly for there to be justice, but sometimes bad things happen... and people get away with it.
Self protection is important.
originally posted by: geezlouise
I know I am strong.
I know who I am.
And people mistake my kindness for weakness and I accept that.
People think that I'm this meek little thing... and it's really for the best that I am the lamb and not the lion. Because you don't want to know how cold I can be. You don't want me to be the monster, the predator. You don't want to know how thick and black and heavy the darkness sits inside of me. Or the anger and the rage that I've harbored and battled, like nothing you've ever experienced before... and I know that I can say that with confidence because whenever I tell even the littlest bit of truth... I have to look at your stupid and blubbering faces afterwards, the countless stupid blank stares and near immediate denial... oh yes, I know that it traumatizes you to even begin to know.
I promise you, it's better for all of us that I continue to choose to be kind.
And it's a conscious choice that has to be made over and over again... and I do it.
Because I'm strong.
And because I really don't want to hurt you.
Because despite everything you believe, I really just mean you well.
And I forgive you for believing in their lies... cause I believed in them too. Even when I tried not to, even when I knew that it was the most toxic poison that was being spoon fed to me, I still took spoonfuls of it, I still believed...
Most days I don't face the darkest parts of myself or my life.
Most days I pretend like those things never happened, for your sake and mine. But other days I still feel the insatiable need to tell the truth and deliver it in ways that won't be so easily rejected, deliver it in ways that won't produce the stupid blubbering faces of fear and denial that I've encountered countless times over... but I think this truth will always traumatize. I think it has to strike fear in the heart, I think it has to shock us awake. And I think that it should hurt us to know... because if it doesn't, what will that mean? If it doesn't hurt to know?
And I know you want to make it hurt less.
I know you're looking for a way to escape that pain.
And people do all kinds of mental gymnastics in order to turn the horrific into something that's not very horrific, make it ok so that it doesn't hurt so much, like how we tell ourselves that it wasn't so bad... it wasn't so bad, was it? Or that you weren't really a victim, were you? Or maybe there was some beautiful life lesson learned out of it... and it made you stronger? Maybe it was a blessing in disguise?
But denying the truth doesn't make you stronger.
The truth is painful sometimes, but only sometimes, and it won't kill you to face it.
Because there is more to this life than whatever you think it is.
Because life is bigger than you and all of your suffering, and it never stays the same... no matter how stuck you might feel in the moment.
Life can be different than whatever it is right now and no matter how hard you might fight the change, the change will happen. You will change. You will lose yourself and then find yourself again as many times as you need... but you will always find yourself again. I promise you that.
I wrote the above piece shortly after I reached out to another victim of the thing I experienced in my youth.
I experienced a thing that can't be expressed.
It was the death of my sister actually which brought about the awareness of this other victim... when a woman came over to express her condolences and stayed for hours. Tons of subjects were covered but also the topic of schools came up, and the topic of how I filed the police report on a teacher, in which case this woman literally said that what happened to me happened to another girl.
I already knew (and there were more victims than just us, too), but when the woman named which teacher had apparently abused this other girl, I almost broke down right there on the spot. There were several people involved, several. And hearing it come from this other woman's mouth was so painful, making it so real... the validation hurts almost more than the actual events. Because you've spent years learning how to live in a world where people don't talk about it, where people refuse to face it and deny it... you won't know how to live in a world where people actually talk about it.
And let me tell you, this woman was more than willing to talk about it.
I pulled myself together, I listened to the story this woman had to tell. Apparently everybody and their mother knew it was happening to this other girl and nobody did anything about it. He was her coach, who was also a teacher, and apparently she's having a hard time of it nowadays... so after some weeks, maybe months of letting it all calm down inside of me... I reached out to this other girl (not what I wrote here, a lot nicer things and linking her to my blog where I do write openly about it a little)... and she read the message, and then deleted her Facebook/blocked me a day or so later without responding.
My Facebook went all funny for a couple of days after that. Maybe she reported me, lol.
Not to mention the TV playing weird semi positive youtube vids by itself as if being remotely accessed, the last one it played was Greensky Bluegrasses version of Into The Mystics, starting around the middle of the song and only playing for a few seconds. Weird huh. And I can't help but obsess over every lyric... so you don't have to be afraid anymore? Is that it? Cool, good for you.
Some days I'm still afraid.
I'm afraid to post this, but I'm on the edge and totally triggered so I'm posting it and I'm going to own every word.