On trauma, expressing the unspeakable, and reaching out to other victims

I know I am strong.

I know who I am.

And people mistake my kindness for weakness and I accept that.

People think that I'm this meek little thing... and it's really for the best that I am the lamb and not the lion. Because you don't want to know how cold I can be. You don't want me to be the monster, the predator. You don't want to know how thick and black and heavy the darkness sits inside of me. Or the anger and the rage that I've harbored and battled, like nothing you've ever experienced before... and I know that I can say that with confidence because whenever I tell even the littlest bit of truth... I have to look at your stupid and blubbering faces afterwards, the countless stupid blank stares and near immediate denial... oh yes, I know that it traumatizes you to even begin to know.

I promise you, it's better for all of us that I continue to choose to be kind.

And it's a conscious choice that has to be made over and over again... and I do it.

Because I'm strong.

And because I really don't want to hurt you.

Because despite everything you believe, I really just mean you well.

And I forgive you for believing in their lies... cause I believed in them too. Even when I tried not to, even when I knew that it was the most toxic poison that was being spoon fed to me, I still took spoonfuls of it, I still believed...

Most days I don't face the darkest parts of myself or my life.

Most days I pretend like those things never happened, for your sake and mine. But other days I still feel the insatiable need to tell the truth and deliver it in ways that won't be so easily rejected, deliver it in ways that won't produce the stupid blubbering faces of fear and denial that I've encountered countless times over... but I think this truth will always traumatize. I think it has to strike fear in the heart, I think it has to shock us awake. And I think that it should hurt us to know... because if it doesn't, what will that mean? If it doesn't hurt to know?

And I know you want to make it hurt less.

I know you're looking for a way to escape that pain.

And people do all kinds of mental gymnastics in order to turn the horrific into something that's not very horrific, make it ok so that it doesn't hurt so much, like how we tell ourselves that it wasn't so bad... it wasn't so bad, was it? Or that you weren't really a victim, were you? Or maybe there was some beautiful life lesson learned out of it... and it made you stronger? Maybe it was a blessing in disguise?

But denying the truth doesn't make you stronger.

The truth is painful sometimes, but only sometimes, and it won't kill you to face it.

Because there is more to this life than whatever you think it is.

Because life is bigger than you and all of your suffering, and it never stays the same... no matter how stuck you might feel in the moment.

Life can be different than whatever it is right now and no matter how hard you might fight the change, the change will happen. You will change. You will lose yourself and then find yourself again as many times as you need... but you will always find yourself again. I promise you that.

-----

I wrote the above piece shortly after I reached out to another victim of the thing I experienced in my youth.

I experienced a thing that can't be expressed.

It was the death of my sister actually which brought about the awareness of this other victim... when a woman came over to express her condolences and stayed for hours. Tons of subjects were covered but also the topic of schools came up, and the topic of how I filed the police report on a teacher, in which case this woman literally said that what happened to me happened to another girl.

I already knew (and there were more victims than just us, too), but when the woman named which teacher had apparently abused this other girl, I almost broke down right there on the spot. There were several people involved, several. And hearing it come from this other woman's mouth was so painful, making it so real... the validation hurts almost more than the actual events. Because you've spent years learning how to live in a world where people don't talk about it, where people refuse to face it and deny it... you won't know how to live in a world where people actually talk about it.

And let me tell you, this woman was more than willing to talk about it.

I pulled myself together, I listened to the story this woman had to tell. Apparently everybody and their mother knew it was happening to this other girl and nobody did anything about it. He was her coach, who was also a teacher, and apparently she's having a hard time of it nowadays... so after some weeks, maybe months of letting it all calm down inside of me... I reached out to this other girl (not what I wrote here, a lot nicer things and linking her to my blog where I do write openly about it a little)... and she read the message, and then deleted her Facebook/blocked me a day or so later without responding.

My Facebook went all funny for a couple of days after that. Maybe she reported me, lol.

Not to mention the TV playing weird semi positive youtube vids by itself as if being remotely accessed, the last one it played was Greensky Bluegrasses version of Into The Mystics, starting around the middle of the song and only playing for a few seconds. Weird huh. And I can't help but obsess over every lyric... so you don't have to be afraid anymore? Is that it? Cool, good for you.

Some days I'm still afraid.

I'm afraid to post this, but I'm on the edge and totally triggered so I'm posting it and I'm going to own every word.

a reply to: geezlouise

If a teachers abused several people someone needs to say something and not to just each other.
The only way to stop the abuse is to report it to the police. Even if nothing happens, if you report it, and than another, eventually something will happen.

If nobody reports anything this person will continue getting away with it. You have the power, the person you talked to has the power, please believe that.

a reply to: geezlouise

Bless you and bless your strength. You are not alone. The thing you cant speak of openly is an open wound for a lot of us and denial is a river in Egypt.

Self-care is important, especially the mental kind. If you think about anything too much, it will start to eat away at your resilience. Fear of losing that after it was so hard-fought and won leads to stress and stress leads to hypertension, metabolic syndrome, diabetes, depression and phobia/anxiety.

You have been so strong. Please don't stop now. You don't have to carry this other woman's burdon but you should be an advocate for yourself.

I'm rooting for ya.

a reply to: JAGStorm

What part of:

I filed the police report on a teacher

did you apparently not understand.

And maybe I was unclear when I said it the first time, but again, several people are involved... not just one teacher.

Also are you aware of the process of filing a police report? Specifically the part about how the police bring you in and ask you to "act out" what happened? "Pretend like I'm him, act out what happened." I had to literally pretend like the detective was my teacher and act out every movement like I was on stage in a goddamned theater... imagine doing that for every different rape.

No.

Not gonna do that.

And also? After I filed the police report I began to be stalked. I suspect it was the shaking up the bees hive that brought that on. I let the police know about that in a way, too. But ultimately, as far as I can tell... nobody gives a flying f-ck. And I wish that it was as easy as you purport it to be... I wish that there was a better way. But there is not.

There is the idea of the smallest hidden justice, the one about how when the police went poking around... it may have spooked them all into living absolutely sinless lives- at least for a little while. Halting their little operation. I guess even my own mind clings onto whatever justice it can, so I understand the sentiment.

a reply to: 0zzymand0s

Thank you so much for your kindness.

a reply to: geezlouise

I was totally feeling your story and feeling for you. I still do.

However, your last post — I could feel your anger through the screen I’m reading.

Simmer down, Jagstorm was only trying to help. Which was prevalent in her post.

I agree with her. If what you say really happened... Hire a lawyer. Make some noise. Don’t let this POS ruin other people’s lives, as well.

a reply to: geezlouise


That is great that you did file a report, sorry if I didn't catch that. No disrespect meant at all.

It is terrible what you are going through and I hope every last one of them pays dearly.

And also? After I filed the police report I began to be stalked. I suspect it was the shaking up the bees hive that brought that on. I let the police know about that in a way, too.

Get hidden cameras, sign up for self defense classes, take a class and learn how to shoot a gun and conceal carry, do whatever it takes to protect yourself. You may think nobody give a f but it reality by bringing light to it, somebody does.

a reply to: JAGStorm

I know that people have a hard time accepting a story like mine... particularly because it doesn't have a happy ending. People always want so badly for there to be justice, but sometimes bad things happen... and people get away with it.

Thanks for the good suggestions. Self protection is important.

Trauma is a tough thing to live with. The impacts are life changing. Denial is a common response, just push it down to some deep dark place and pretend it does not exist. But it does and continues behind closed doors.

Speaking up about it is one way to fight back, it comes with risks though as you can make yourself a further target. Especially against a powerful and organized complicit group of perpetrators. Fear and intimidation is a common first level tactic to keep these unspeakable things unspeakable. People have been killed for less when fear no longer works.

Reaching out to other victims is one thing that worries these perpetrators, there is strength in numbers. You know what it is like to pretend these things do not exist so take time and understanding when trying to contact the others. You have a right to fight back, but don't be stupid about it as there are risks with it. Do your homework and compile what evidence you can. There is support around, but you will need to look else where when your local jurisdiction is hopelessly corrupt.

a reply to: KKLOCO

You advised to "hire a lawyer" like they don't cost the annual budget of a small 3rd world country these days!

I know you meant to be helpful...right?

a reply to: geezlouise

It must of taken you great strength and courage to post about such personal experiences. I am so sorry this has happened to you and others.

By sharing your story, I'm sure that others who may have had similar experiences won't feel so all alone. I wish you health and peace in the days and years ahead. Hugs!

The Police Departments Brutality Through the Decades, "PD's TEAR DOWN THE BLUE WALL"


This video has been put together by an ex police officer. The failures of the police department does have a long history of abuse. One insight provided is how authority travels the path of least resistance. It is easier to pick on the lower classes than address the crimes and culture of the richer classes. Understanding the situation is important if any meaning change is to have a chance.

In trying to understand the culture of corruption and abuse that is present I found the work by Fritz Springmeier & Cisco Wheeler helpful. The Illuminati Formula Used to Create an Undetectable Total Mind Controlled Slave. The implications of this work is disturbing, but when trying to make sense of events like 9/11 it makes sense.

originally posted by: geezlouise
People always want so badly for there to be justice, but sometimes bad things happen... and people get away with it.

Took you awhile to figure that out, did it?

Self protection is important.

The three "S"es: Shoot, Shovel, Shut-up

Now: Go back and read the very first line of your OP

...

originally posted by: geezlouise
I know I am strong.

I know who I am.

And people mistake my kindness for weakness and I accept that.

People think that I'm this meek little thing... and it's really for the best that I am the lamb and not the lion. Because you don't want to know how cold I can be. You don't want me to be the monster, the predator. You don't want to know how thick and black and heavy the darkness sits inside of me. Or the anger and the rage that I've harbored and battled, like nothing you've ever experienced before... and I know that I can say that with confidence because whenever I tell even the littlest bit of truth... I have to look at your stupid and blubbering faces afterwards, the countless stupid blank stares and near immediate denial... oh yes, I know that it traumatizes you to even begin to know.

I promise you, it's better for all of us that I continue to choose to be kind.

And it's a conscious choice that has to be made over and over again... and I do it.

Because I'm strong.

And because I really don't want to hurt you.

Because despite everything you believe, I really just mean you well.

And I forgive you for believing in their lies... cause I believed in them too. Even when I tried not to, even when I knew that it was the most toxic poison that was being spoon fed to me, I still took spoonfuls of it, I still believed...

Most days I don't face the darkest parts of myself or my life.

Most days I pretend like those things never happened, for your sake and mine. But other days I still feel the insatiable need to tell the truth and deliver it in ways that won't be so easily rejected, deliver it in ways that won't produce the stupid blubbering faces of fear and denial that I've encountered countless times over... but I think this truth will always traumatize. I think it has to strike fear in the heart, I think it has to shock us awake. And I think that it should hurt us to know... because if it doesn't, what will that mean? If it doesn't hurt to know?

And I know you want to make it hurt less.

I know you're looking for a way to escape that pain.

And people do all kinds of mental gymnastics in order to turn the horrific into something that's not very horrific, make it ok so that it doesn't hurt so much, like how we tell ourselves that it wasn't so bad... it wasn't so bad, was it? Or that you weren't really a victim, were you? Or maybe there was some beautiful life lesson learned out of it... and it made you stronger? Maybe it was a blessing in disguise?

But denying the truth doesn't make you stronger.

The truth is painful sometimes, but only sometimes, and it won't kill you to face it.

Because there is more to this life than whatever you think it is.

Because life is bigger than you and all of your suffering, and it never stays the same... no matter how stuck you might feel in the moment.

Life can be different than whatever it is right now and no matter how hard you might fight the change, the change will happen. You will change. You will lose yourself and then find yourself again as many times as you need... but you will always find yourself again. I promise you that.

-----

I wrote the above piece shortly after I reached out to another victim of the thing I experienced in my youth.

I experienced a thing that can't be expressed.

It was the death of my sister actually which brought about the awareness of this other victim... when a woman came over to express her condolences and stayed for hours. Tons of subjects were covered but also the topic of schools came up, and the topic of how I filed the police report on a teacher, in which case this woman literally said that what happened to me happened to another girl.

I already knew (and there were more victims than just us, too), but when the woman named which teacher had apparently abused this other girl, I almost broke down right there on the spot. There were several people involved, several. And hearing it come from this other woman's mouth was so painful, making it so real... the validation hurts almost more than the actual events. Because you've spent years learning how to live in a world where people don't talk about it, where people refuse to face it and deny it... you won't know how to live in a world where people actually talk about it.

And let me tell you, this woman was more than willing to talk about it.

I pulled myself together, I listened to the story this woman had to tell. Apparently everybody and their mother knew it was happening to this other girl and nobody did anything about it. He was her coach, who was also a teacher, and apparently she's having a hard time of it nowadays... so after some weeks, maybe months of letting it all calm down inside of me... I reached out to this other girl (not what I wrote here, a lot nicer things and linking her to my blog where I do write openly about it a little)... and she read the message, and then deleted her Facebook/blocked me a day or so later without responding.

My Facebook went all funny for a couple of days after that. Maybe she reported me, lol.

Not to mention the TV playing weird semi positive youtube vids by itself as if being remotely accessed, the last one it played was Greensky Bluegrasses version of Into The Mystics, starting around the middle of the song and only playing for a few seconds. Weird huh. And I can't help but obsess over every lyric... so you don't have to be afraid anymore? Is that it? Cool, good for you.

Some days I'm still afraid.

I'm afraid to post this, but I'm on the edge and totally triggered so I'm posting it and I'm going to own every word.

After our talk that night in Philly, I instantly knew that you were absolutely one of the strongest people that I’ve ever even heard of let alone known. You have an amazing ability to take what would drive many mad and take the power away from the darkness and channel it into positivity like nobody I’ve ever seen. You are an amazing anomaly and the world would benefit greatly we’re there more people like you. The path you have forged for yourself never ceases to amaze me and I wish that I had just a portion of the strength you demonstrate. There will always be horrible, dark things plaguing is and for the most you’re able to take away the power others tried to hold over you and turned into a force of positivity. And for what it’s worth, I’m sure I wouldn’t be the first to say that my own life has been better having known you.

a reply to: Deplorable

Lol, yes.

Justice is actually one of the main things that I myself wrestled with and didn't want to let go of, but I found that I had to let go of it in order to be able to even begin to "move on." And now I see how other people struggle with it as well, it's always the first thing they grasp for in the face of any kind of trauma or injustice.

a reply to: peter vlar

OMG! All of the feelings are super mutual, you are one of the strongest people I have ever met and I'm not just saying that because you said it about me first, lol. You literally lit up my world. I thought about you intensely in wonderment for weeks after our meeting, even months... and thinking about you has given me this private strength and I still think about you and have been hoping you're doing ok, thank you so much for writing. All the things you just wrote has me speechless and tongue-tied. Just, thank you for existing.

a reply to: geezlouise



I know I’ve been out of touch for far far too long. I’m driving right now but when I get back to the house I’ll text you and we can catch up I’ll fill you in on all the dirty details

Police, judges, doctors, politicians are often involved in pedophile rings. That's why it's almost impossible to get justice.

Child trafficking is run by our governments and their employees. Governments do not work for our benefit.

If you ever feel brave, read Fiona Barnetts book, it's free online.

Just wanted to say, your post was beautiful.
Well written almost poetic.

The other girl probably deleted you, out of horror and fear that other people knew. This is pretty normal.

I'm sorry these bastards got to you OP. I hope they have a horrible death very soon.

And you should have been interviewed by a female officer, not a male. What he did to you was really rapey. I feel he did this to try to break you and protect your abusers.

a reply to: geezlouise

We are all victims to one degree or another. I feel your pain and having plenty of my own I can empathise with you.

If I did to others what was done to me I would be a monster, and one that would scare others so much it would be devasting.

a reply to: TheLorax

I’m at work and don’t have much time but I do want to let you know that I had my legal advocate with me, who was a female, and that I am under the impression that the police ask this of everybody... just so you know. I understand a little bit why, because they need all possible details and any one thing could potentially help, no matter how small the detail, but I am unsure if acting it all out helps? Maybe it could help the person remember something extra? I really am not sure. Whatever the case, you can imagine how hard it is to relive that trauma... and why victims might choose not to.

Thank you for the kindness.

a reply to: KKLOCO

Probably not gonna hire a lawyer, ever. Like NewzNose pointed out, don't have the money, don't have the time. And I'm really not well enough on the inside to take anything like that on even if I had the money, time, and energy. Thanks though, I know you just wanted to help... and I also know that feeling helpless is something that makes people feel really, really uncomfortable.

a reply to: kwakakev

Thank you so much for your kindness. I appreciate your knowledge and wisdom. I actually came across the Fritz Springmeier thing before... and it made me feel like I was Winston in 1984, a totally brainwashed monarch slave controlled by some O'brien-esque illuminati handler. I don't think those things anymore so now I can joke about it. But my trauma did take me down that rabbit hole and many others... and I know it's not over.

a reply to: Night Star

Thank you always, you're so sweet. I wish you health a long life as well!