Talking Meat?

Just needed a break from some serious UFOlogy, hehe...

But, if you've never read the story below, it's actually a pretty intriguing idea... That is, that the idea of us is so offensive, as to maybe other aliens wouldn't even want to associate with us? Likewise, what if we adopted the same ideas once we venture out into the stars?

A conversation between two aliens....

THEY'RE MADE OUT OF MEAT
by Terry Bisson

"They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"Meat. They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"There's no doubt about it. We picked up several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, and probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."

"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars?"

"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."

"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."

"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."

"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."

"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in that sector and they're made out of meat."

"Maybe they're like the orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."

"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take long. Do you have any idea what's the life span of meat?"

"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."

"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads, like the weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."

"No brain?"

"Oh, there's a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat! That's what I've been trying to tell you."

"So ... what does the thinking?"

"You're not understanding, are you? You're refusing to deal with what I'm telling you. The brain does the thinking. The meat."

"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"

"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you beginning to get the picture or do I have to start all over?"

"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."

"Thank you. Finally. Yes. They are indeed made out of meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."

"Omigod. So what does this meat have in mind?"

"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the Universe, contact other sentiences, swap ideas and information. The usual."

"We're supposed to talk to meat."

"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there. Anybody home.' That sort of thing."

"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"
"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."

"I thought you just told me they used radio."

"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."

"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"

"Officially or unofficially?"

"Both."

"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in this quadrant of the Universe, without prejudice, fear or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."

"I was hoping you would say that."

"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"

"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say? 'Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"

"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they can only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."

"So we just pretend there's no one home in the Universe."

"That's it."

"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you probed? You're sure they won't remember?"

"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."

"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."

"And we marked the entire sector unoccupied."

"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"

"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."

"They always come around."

"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the Universe would be if one were all alone ..."


the end

Delightful Thank you.

.

It's a fairly old joke, but I keep it next to my desk to help me remember it's lesson while looking through files, etc.

Sounds like a skit done by the alien Abbott and Costello.

Peace

Whoa.......I never felt so "Meaty" before I read that post, well for now on I will make sure to think about my "meat" state and my "freshness " expiration day for the rest of my "meaty span of life."

enjoyed reading that. The idea has never occured to me before.
thanks

Man, after reading that I wish my meat brain was smoothed to think some of the other posts I've read today was only a dream.

Thanks Gazrok that brought my blood pressure down a bit

Reminds me of the quote from Star Trek where the alien refered to humans as ugly bags of mostly water.

I guess we can't assume that our configuration is the common one through out the universe.

That's quite eye opening and even a little disheartening...but one part definetly made we laugh:

We communicate by flapping our meat! Most men and maybe a few women will get that...I've got to stop being so UnMature....

"We're supposed to talk to meat?"

Man that cracked me up.

That was a great story and probably a true reflection of how we'd be viewed.

Actually I remember that documentary done realistically about what a real signal and future visit from ET's would be like, and it turned out they were machines...that's a really interesting concept.

Well, they know what meat is!

I was thinking I was going to read that thay may consider us "vegetables".

Get it?

I'm crying - that basically called us the most worthless species ever to exist

I find that very humerous

I know i`d be that confused when somebody used the word "meat"so much to discribe something.

hmmmm meat.All this is making me hungry.I think i`ll made a steak sandwich.

All this is making me hungry.I think i`ll made a steak sandwich

"You're telling me meat EATS other meat? Oh that's just too much..."

*erases Earth from the starcharts*

once again you did it Gazrok you intreged me and my little sister you made me laugh you made me cry and you made me cry laughing good post Gaz

That was great! I never thought of my singing in the shower as "air squirting through my meat"

From now on, when I want someone to shut up, I'm just gonna say "quit slapping your meat!" But, then again, they may take that the completely wrong way...

[edit on 1-3-2005 by mpeake]

Awesome, Gazrok.

Great.

once again you did it Gazrok you intreged me and my little sister you made me laugh you made me cry and you made me cry laughing good post Gaz

Well, the real credit goes to the author...Terry Bisson, who usually isn't credited by the way, if you see this on other sites.... I'm just making others aware of this little gem.

Thought I'd bump this for those who haven't read it yet...

Very funny Gazrok. I shall show my friends.

But it's scary to think it's possibly true.