a reply to: WalkInSilence
WIS and everyone, I'm so sorry for not posting sooner. Please forgive me for neglecting to even check in here for some days. This week has been a busy
one with my pre-op tests and so on, but I should have visited here at least.
As for the tests, they all panned out well. Blood picture was incredibly detailed but they found nothing of any worry, lung x-rays were good, I had a
brain CT some days back that was ok, my ECG on Wed a.m. was also no worry. So, I'm good to go for my op.
Besides all the tests and stuff, this week has been pretty good overall. Only had two days with really bad nausea. Main issues for me, to be honest,
have been mental ones. Just really missing my lady Dada and having to deal with her being in a strange place and I'm on my own here. I'm sure many of
you know how that can be.
And yes, I went into my shell a bit. Not a good thing to do but sometimes I'm just like that.
On the plus side, my doc (Milos) called the doc in charge of the ward where Dada is now in the Jihlava Psych Hospital. (After Dada was assessed she
was moved to the Women's Geriatric Ward.) Milos made the call for me as we've talked a lot and I know he can communicate my own concerns better than
I could myself.
In short, as the doc there said, "She's in quite good spirits and talks all the time." This is actually a good sign. If she chatters away for hours on
end about who-knows-what then she's just being her normal, present-day self and is not bothered much by anything.
So, I was glad to hear that, but the main reason I asked my doc to call her treating doc there was to get his advice and opinion on a key issue. You
see, my friend Martin had arranged to come out here from Prague and visit me for much of the weekend. He offered to drive me over to Jihlava to visit
Dada on Saturday, because he knows I can't risk driving that far.
The key issue: when she was in that other psych. hospital in Prague 3 yrs ago, every time I visited she became extremely distressed when I was
leaving. She was sobbing and begging me to take her home. It was just... It was heart-breaking. Absolutely awful.
So I needed that doc's totally honest opinion: if I visit, how might it affect her? Because much as I so dearly want to see her, I can't put her
through the suffering she had the last time. I explained all this to my doc and he understood, and had quite a discussion with her treating doctor.
He said my visit was almost guaranteed to disturb her routine and possibly make her very distressed, especially when she knew I was leaving and she
had to stay. Also, seeing me on crutches would upset her as well, because she will not even remember I was already using them when she was still home.
Well, after a long convo with my doc, I've decided not to go.
I want to see her so, so desperately, but I cannot bear the thought of leaving her in
tears when minutes before, she was feeling perfectly fine.
For Dada, every day is like "Groundhog Day". The difference between her and Bill Murray's character is that she can't even remember yesterday except
perhaps as a whisper of a dream, so she doesn't know
that this is the life she is living.
Some could say, "As she'll forget in a short while, her distress will disappear quickly. So why not visit her?"
The answer is simple. Because while that may be true, it does not give me the right to make her suffer terribly, when it's only so my own emotional
needs can have a little relief. I have friends I can talk to IRL, a great doctor who truly listens and understands, and all of you, my friends here,
who are so good to me.
Yes, visiting her would make her happier for a few minutes, but then she would suffer. That's not fair to her. I just can't do it, especially as it
could be who-only-knows how long before I can go back again. (That depends on how my surgery goes and what rehab I might need after.)
She is in a world within her own mind, a mind that is lost and can't find a way out into the sunshine. Whatever happiness she can find, I have to let
her have as much of it as possible – but not if the price for it is crushing disappointment and despair, no matter how little time that may last.
So even though it hurts, I have decided to wait until I've had my own surgery and I am well enough to look after her again, at home, under the
guidance of the medical professionals there who have the shared goal of trying to make that happen. They want to get her settled on a treatment regime
that will make it possible for me to bring her home as soon as possible, when I am well enough to manage the day-to-day tasks of caring for her.
On Sunday I go into hospital to get ready for my spinal surgery. I am guessing the op will be on Mon or Tues but I'll try to let you know once I know
for sure. Hopefully it'll go well. Then, through my doc in consultation with the docs there, we'll reach that goal.
Soon, my love. Soon. We'll get you home again, where you belong. I promise.