Overcoming Negative Thoughts

I have been spending time looking for ways to improve myself and I have concluded the number one thing I want to work on is overcoming negative thoughts and self-defeating internal dialogues. Overall I am a happy person, but I don’t have an open, loving heart. I used to just chock it up to being who I am, but I feel lately that this is a cop-out and I want to address this shortcoming.

Does anyone have some advice on how they stay open to loving themselves and others and keeping their thoughts positive? If you have a book or other resource or simply some positive tips I would be grateful. Hopefully I am able to define and address my weaknesses as I continue my journey through life.

a reply to: Metallicus

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me....HST

but seriously...this book changed my life!

www.amazon.com...

Good Luck!

a reply to: Metallicus
Try and find someone to listen to you. I would say a therapist but in the US it might cost you. I've been there and there is nothing like a one on one, face to face talking. Just talking about your feeling can bring you back to a comfortable reality. What else can I say with something that's difficult to put into words.
Don't, don't brood on your own, find someone to talk to.
I was told it was because I was "clever" "intelligent" (Say whatever you want at that) I was always thinking "what is wrong with me", "why can't I pull myself together", "why can't I cheer myself up". All things like that and digging myself deeper and deeper down.
You've made the first step by asking how, now go get the help.

a reply to: Metallicus

its a rough one man
i am the same way

dont really like most people

dont think to highly of myself

dont know what could help you with the negative thoughts/feelings about yourself.

as far as feelings towards other people i just use the avoidance method. i avoid most people as much as i possibly can.

not a great solution but it is really all i have

if you figure it out let me know

hang in there dude

a reply to: Metallicus

Humility.

(ETA) Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

a reply to: Metallicus

I think forgiveness goes a long way in helping us love others and ourselves more.
I know I’ve needed forgiveness, both from myself and others , and it truly helps in loving yourself.

As far as loving others more ? Again, I say forgiveness goes a long way ( even if they are not sorry for what they may have done ).

Forgiveness is not the be all and end all to loving oneself more, but I do think it is a key component in turning one’s life around to a more positive outlook.

a reply to: Metallicus

My brother teaches that it is all about living in the now.

Now, that sounds like something you would read on a coffee cup, smile and keep going.

However, it makes sense if you take it to a more fundamental level.

Live each day as exactly that.

Wake up, plan your day. Realize that it is a unique day, as all days are. Focus on what you want to do that day, what you want to succeed at or accomplish. Be fearless about how you approach it.

Stop and see the things around you. There is a lot of pleasure (at least for me) to focus on something that you normally would pass by because you have seen it a thousand times before. Get aware of your surroundings.

Think about the now. How your morning tea or coffee actually tastes. The feeling of breakfast in your mouth. What your car keys feel like when you pick them up.

Stop and listen. We have a whole part of our brain that just filters out the noises we always hear. Start listening again, to the wind in the morning, the car passing by, the bird chirping in the tree.

As you go about your day, remember to listen, taste, see, smell, feel. We take everything around us that is physically going on for granted, because we are used to 127 internal dialogues going on in our head at once.

Get out of your head and into the world. There are a lot of amazing and beautiful things going on in the world around us that we ignore. Start looking at reality.

At the end of the day, remember the positives. Note the negatives and think about how you can change them, if they can be changed. Relax, in whatever ways you feel comfortable doing so.

Change things up in your life. Take a stroll, paint, play the piano. Do something that puts you into the world and not out of it.

See, smell, taste, feel, hear. Really look at your surroundings.

Then remember that whatever you did that day, tomorrow is a whole new day. A day to accomplish something, a day to fail at something, but above all a day that is uniquely yours and it is yours to live. So lay today down and get ready for tomorrow.

Living in the now helps you move away from constant introspection and into, well, living.

I will end this with a quote from my brother.

"Live life to its fullest, with open arms, an open heart but most important, an open mind."

An opinion, as always.

Thank you for all the kind replies.

I think all of us just want to become better versions of ourselves. I think it is hard to not get down on ourselves sometimes and often when we feel anger at ourselves we lash out at others. Here is to hoping we all evolve into better people.

i would say you just have to try and treat yourself with kindness and understanding. you can recognize where you've fallen short of where you want to be, with sympathy for yourself because you're part of the human condition and everyone falls short. uplift yourself, love yourself, and help yourself to be better instead of sabotaging yourself...

...and keep practicing it because you won't always succeed at this, either... but the more you do it, the easier it comes.

Bad self defeating dialogues can be routed from bad child hood experiences etc
The unresolved dilemma
The internal dialogue is a devil because it wants to bring it the surface.

To not let it defeat you is to defeat it. You laugh the devil cries and vice a versa.
So think positive and cane the devil back to its box.

a reply to: Lumenari

I have been learning these techniques over the last year. Mostly DBT centered IOP. It's been immensely helpful to me. Grounding, feeling things in your environment (temperature, texture..etc), 5,4,3,2,1 grounding technique, thought stopping..etc.

Your post hits everything for me. Great post, thanks.

For me breathing exercises and meditation aid in my ability to do these things, sometimes progressive muscle relaxation.

edit: to add that keeping a written journal of these thoughts can help get them out of your head. Not to be forgotten but you can do some thought challenging later.

a reply to: Metallicus


I help out old people, people who don't have much, people that need help.



Do I get a thank you?

Nah.

Usually I get # on because I didn't do more.


But that's okay.

Because regardless, I helped them to the best of my abilities.


If I only helped those that were appreciative, then I'd be doing it for myself.

originally posted by: kinglizard
a reply to: Lumenari

I have been learning these techniques over the last year. Mostly DBT centered IOP. It's been immensely helpful to me. Grounding, feeling things in your environment (temperature, texture..etc), 5,4,3,2,1 grounding technique, thought stopping..etc.

Your post hits everything for me. Great post, thanks.

For me breathing exercises and meditation aid in my ability to do these things, sometimes progressive muscle relaxation.

edit: to add that keeping a written journal of these thoughts can help get them out of your head. Not to be forgotten but you can do some thought challenging later.

I didn't want to bring meditation into the post because I wanted it to start simple for people, but you are exactly correct. Grounding is another really important thing that nobody thinks about but is extremely helpful. Although we may be talking about a different thing... grounding for me is having your feet in the dirt, as it were.

I didn't want to bring diet into it either to start but there is where you can really progress into a "now" life.

Some way to release toxins, be it a sweat lodge, a sauna, long distance running, a way to sweat is helpful also.

Thank you for your reply and have fun living your life.



Edited to add, a long time ago I kept a journal because once you write it down, it is into the real world now and not in your head. So it does help with calming the inner dialog. I still do it occasionally when I am stressed out and it works wonders. Some people have told me that they write their worry down on a piece of paper and burn it. Others write it down and dispose of it in other ways. As long as it can manifest into reality and you can deal with it that way, it gets it out of your head. So yes, I agree on the journal also.

a reply to: Metallicus

One thing that I've found helped me was volunteering for something I believe in. In high school, I was one of those kids who, while I got along with most groups (somehow, even the rich kids and popular groups? Still questioning this), I was mostly an outsider. I never told anyone about my depression or broken family. I could have been one of those "good gone bad" kids we always hear about.

What changed me is that when I moved the day after my graduation, the local library was having a week-long booksale: When I worked there, they included me as one of their own, and through them, I saw that while my life wasn't perfect, neither was their's; Negativity doesn't thrive in a place like that.

Another thing you can try is: Find a hobby that you love, and do it often. I'm a musician, and after work I love to play on my own or in a group setting. For me, music is my Philosopher's Stone: I can turn anger, frustration, sadness into something beautiful, and in the end, I'm lighter, and happier.

Final one: It's sounds silly, but on my dash in the car I have a simple river stone that says "Let it go" (as in, a tourist-trap style stone). Now, you can take it two ways: The stone is there to remind me to not get so angry at people with bad judgment in the driving department, or to throw at said person. Funny enough, it works - If I start getting angry, I focus on the words as a mantra, and I'm at least rational.

originally posted by: Metallicus
Thank you for all the kind replies.

I think all of us just want to become better versions of ourselves. I think it is hard to not get down on ourselves sometimes and often when we feel anger at ourselves we lash out at others. Here is to hoping we all evolve into better people.

dude. people suck.
you suck.
i suck.

just the way it is.

there are levels to things.
we are all hypocrites.
we all lie. major or minor.
we all defend what we fall in line with even if we dont agree. not with all things but we do it
we all do this to various degrees.

its just our nature.

so yeah. we suck

how to we come t terms with it though?

i dont know what to tell you cause what works for me may not work for you.

i deal with it every day. i have problems with self worth. i do not think very highly of myself and i think even less of others.


like i said i use the avoidance method.

i have suggestions but it may not work or you and it will sound stupid.

i am a heavy smoker. green. for years.

i am 6 days sober. i just want to get a different perspective. not planning on getting off the wagon anytime soon.

do you drink? do you drink heavy?
if yes try stopping. do a sober october

if you dont drink have a few

do you smoke grass?

if you do, stop.

if you dont, give it a shot.

just try and get some perspective. have a good think.

i think you will come to the conclusion that most people suck. does not mean we have to hate them or keep them down. we just how to accept it.
i am talking in the real world.

to me, you suck. for sure

to you, i suck. for sure

we just have to learn to deal


accept people suck but hope for good things for them anyway

happiness can not make things worse.

this is going to sound really stupid but trust me ans think about it

you ever try jiu jitsu?
its amazing. you just might get obsessed.

it is a great workout. a great way to release tension. a great thing to focus on

it is unique in that you have t be very close to people. you learn things about people in general without even knowing it.
it is a very close quarters sport and it is fun.

plus the bonus is you learn how to gently kill people

give it a shot man.

you cant be thinking about the world and how bad people suck when you are on the mats cause you will tap quick.

if nothing else you can clear your head for an hour a couple times a week. get a good sweat going. get the blood pumping.

might help you

a reply to: Lumenari

I need to incorporate better eating with these things as you say. Exercise too. Having a written schedule as a reminder to do these things also helps me. I need to get back to that honestly. My eating is awful and I'm getting little exercise. Weather will start to get nice soon for me so I look forward to going outside again. It's tough to do all these things especially the DBT stuff.


I hope over time these techniques will become like muscle memory. Negative thoughts arise no matter the scale or horror and we can break it down. It doesn't need to control me.

My grounding is used to get me back into the present moment. I have been taught to place the soles of my feet on the ground though I have yet to place them directly on the earth. I do believe we are speaking the same language. I have also heard of freezing oranges and placing it in your hands to bring you back into your body/ground.

I feel like I have so much work to do with this stuff but I'm just taking one big bite at a time and with single-minded focus moving forward no matter the barrier.

You have a ton of wisdom, thanks for sharing some with me.

edit: I have yet to place these thoughts to flame considering my trauma but may try in the future. Not sure how else to destroy.

a reply to: Metallicus

Metta (Loving Kindness) Meditation.

Cognative Behavioral Therapy can help - but regular meditation has helped me the most.

"Graditutes" - a tool. Every time you catch yourself thinking negatively, immediately list (to yourself) what you are grateful for - not what you feel grateful for - but what you would miss if it wasn't there in your life tomorrow. You can also use this when you catch yourself complaining about something - internally or externally.

Consistent practice all day every day is the key to change.

It talkes FIVE positive thoughts to balance ONE negitive one.

originally posted by: olaru12
a reply to: Metallicus

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me....HST

but seriously...this book changed my life!

www.amazon.com...

Good Luck!

BEST BOOK IN WORLD!!!!!

a reply to: kinglizard

Write down a schedule and just do it. Don't make it insurmountable, but set goals. After a few months it's just normal. As you say, a muscle reflex.

Grounding for me is either feet in the dirt or hands in the dirt (Gardening.)

In the summers here I sleep on the ground when I can, under the stars. Here is a film for you.



As far as trauma, it is in the past. As some country western singer here said once, rip off the rear view mirrors and put the pedal to the metal.

There are some things that we can learn from in life if we remember them and can learn a lesson from them.

There are other things that you can learn nothing from simply because there is no life lesson in it... it's just a stain on the soul that will never be able to be fixed.

Don't let your scars define you. Let how you live your life today do that.

I do wish you luck on your journey... it is a road rarely traveled now but a road well worth taking.

Watch your thoughts, they become words.
Watch your words, they become actions.
Watch your actions, they become habits.
Watch your habits, they become your character.
Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.