A Stanford psychologist on the art of avoiding assholes

a reply to: Lysergic

Yes! Hahaa yes its beautiful isn't it..

Anyone else think its funny she only replys to people who are makin "asshole" "invalidating" statements? Lol I love the screen name though karma will definently make you its bitch.

originally posted by: KarmasBiatch

I feel your energy and I feel you're a good and an honest human being. I don't say that often. I'm trying believe me. It's harder said than done. Women are more emotional, and it's draining. I grew up literally feeling like Men had no emotional attachment, and I still to some extent feel that is true. Whether or not it is, I grew up believing it, and seeing it around me. I've always felt more insignificant to Men, maybe it's the world I grew up In. Physically I'm strong but emotionally.. It's been tough. Dying alone is how I view my end, which i'm fine with.

Wow. You don't remember me, do you? I guess that's not too surprising. We only talked for very long those half dozen times or so. I really thought we were hitting it off with the deep conversations we were having. Just when I thought we were about to come together, that asshole guy stepped in and started continually talking over me, telling ridiculous stories about how he could ride a dirt bike up a hill for a half mile while doing a wheelie and such. And you bought it! I was so hurt.

I thought to myself, why is she leaving with that asshole? Can't she see that he's just telling her what she wants to hear? Why was my calm, quiet confidence not enough? My obvious, unshrouded empathy? I would've thought a nice girl like that would appreciate such a thing, so why is she leaving with that prick? Do I really have to be a total ass clown and step on other people just to leave here with a nice girl? No thanks! I can whoop a guy's ass too, I just don't think it's very gentlemanly to brag about such things. Kinda denotes an insecurity about oneself, if you ask me. Yet you left with this asshole egotistical guy, to my dismay.

Perhaps i'm too forgiving, too nice, too generous?

Personally I think these are admirable qualities. You have to know your limits though. There's a fine line between nice and doormat, and if you never establish and adhere to recognizable boundaries, those boundaries will undoubtedly be crossed, even by guys who aspire to empathy like myself.

Thank you. Sometimes I wish to hell Men could feel what Women go through, so they could understand the pain they endure from this kind of thing, and understand them better. That will never happen obviously. Men and Women are different for a reason, but the feelings and pain are not the same.

I feel these things, but don't express them often. If the person doesn't take you out of context and think you're an asshole for saying so, then they think you're weak for speaking out, and therefore not worth their time. They will run to the insecure fellow who overcompensates by projecting a false aura of confidence to cover for his insecurity as quickly as they can manage.

Actually I think that's what we were talking about right before the douche nozzle stepped in and you allowed yourself to be led away by him. It sure blew my mind, I can tell you that much. I thought, what was all this stuff we were talking about before, didn't that mean anything? Maybe he told you I blow goats, three other people backed him up on it, and you believed them. Not the old TheBadCabbie blows goats routine again! I swear, you blow one goat, they never let you hear the end of it!(I don't actually blow goats, I was just trying to be humorous here.)

I tried hardening myself as you have for a time, but that is not me. I've always been a romantic, expressive person, so if that means I wind up spending lots of time alone because no one wants to date a man who's so honest and expressive, then so be it. At least I'll have the satisfaction of knowing I am being true to myself, and acting the right way toward others. Apparently being an honest expressive man does mean that you will get to spend lots of time alone, if my relationship experience has been any indicator.

I now have developed defense mechanisms that tend to sabotage any promising relationship, probably at least partly a result of the fear of intimacy I have developed due to all the times I've been pooped on for daring to express myself. I'm working on it and aware of it, but I guess this might mean you now think I'm an asshole too, because I don't have perfect control and sometimes hurt women's feelings because I haven't yet conquered this mental challenge(and am foolish enough to admit it). I don't think that this makes me a victim, because I choose who I want to be and how I want to act. The one thing in this world I can control is myself and how I choose to react(or better yet, respond) to life's challenges. I don't consider myself a victim then, but it is a sad thing to see and experience.

I can't believe you don't remember me. Honestly, that hurts. What's that? You've got to go? Yes of course, I understand. See you around, I guess.

I don't actually know you as far as I know, of course, I'm just trying to make a point. Those of us men who are not afraid to express themselves, who express empathy for and expect empathy from their prospective lovers and other people, tend to lead extremely lonely lives. At least that's how it's gone down for me.

a reply to: KarmasBiatch

I'm kick boxing now and in the best shape of my life because of dicks.

Men are cretins. Good for you, assholes beware!

Kick em where it hurts.

originally posted by: KarmasBiatch
a reply to: FHomerK

my Girlfriends and I were sitting around and thinking about turds like yourself while we were writing a paper on Relationships and our own experiences for a College ed class. I wanted to wait to post that part because I wanted to see just how many angry people would attack me over it, and you Win! You are now the subject of our paper and I think I'm going to get an A+ for this thanks to your dumb remarks and ignorant bastard reply's. Way to Go HOMER!! The class will find you a Superb Male Specimen as how not to behave and what a Male subject should NOT do to find a lifetime Mate.

So this was all for a college paper ? ... I guess An experiment ,of sorts ,to get Info for your paper ?.... If that's true , then that makes you the user, the asshole .

a reply to: KarmasBiatch
In interviewing Robert Sutton, Sean Illing made the Plato connection, no less The Republic... which brings us back to the age old maxim inscribed at the Temple of Apollo at Delphi- Know thyself. That's a great insight, we don't necessarily associate an asshole with Plato and talk about being assholier than thou.

Will it be a good idea to have an International Day for Assholes?... and for the * to be the universal symbol of an asshole?

I think this whole thing is part of the reason why I don't really 'chase women' anymore, by which I mean to say that I generally don't actively seek romantic relationships. This dysfunction in our courtship rituals is pretty widespread, at least here in the US. Kinda makes a guy like me think that he shouldn't bother, because there's no point to actively seeking a relationship using my method of honest straightforward interaction. It never works. Believe me, it's not for lack of trying.

I am a romantic though, so I push myself at this point to try and relate, to be a lover of people and life despite a track record that would make a cynic of most men of my temperament. I'm very resilient though. I don't think most guys like me have that tolerance for punishment.

Most of them either become the asshole you despise, so that they don't spend the rest of their lives alone, or resign themselves to a cave of their choosing with their porn and video games or whatever. They refuse to be an asshole, but what they're doing isn't working, so they just give up completely.

It's sad and frustrating to see women trot off with men who will undoubtedly abuse them while their true heroes are left standing alone in the wings. Alone because they are genuine, because they care, because they are kind. Aren't these the things you women claim you want? Why do you mostly reject them then? Wake up! Stop being such a tool!

I reject the survival instinct argument. A loudmouthed braggart is not a superior combatant, he's just a loudmouthed braggart. Likewise, neither is a hothead. He's just a hothead. Most of those guys' combat tactics are actually pretty weak. I do not consider myself a victim. People can do what they want, if they choose to. I don't wish to blame others for my problems. I do think it's a sad way for us to carry on as a society, many good men and women doing themselves disservices in this regard.

I'm not trying to be rude here, just honest.

originally posted by: KarmasBiatch
It's been soo long since i've been online. Needed therapy for the people who have lived and give'd. www.vox.com...

What i've learned from being taken by assholes in my life, which nearly killed me all three times in the last 12 years is worth sharing. This is not I repeat NOT focused on Nice Guys (But the rotten guys who are pretending to be kind caring and loving out there who are faking it and taking innocent Women for a ride). You are few and far between. I'm kick boxing now and in the best shape of my life because of dicks. Thank you dicks you brought me back and reminded me that I'm not as insignificant as you've made me feel.

The world is full of assholes. Wherever you live, whatever you do, odds are you’re surrounded by assholes. The question is, what to do about it? Robert Sutton, a psychology professor at Stanford University, has stepped up to answer this eternal question. He’s the author of a new book, The Asshole Survival Guide, which is basically what it sounds like: a guide for surviving the assholes in your life. In 2010, Sutton published The No Asshole Rule, which focused on dealing with assholes at an organizational level. In the new book, he offers a blueprint for managing assholes at the interpersonal level. If you’ve got an asshole boss, an asshole friend, or an asshole colleague, this book might be for you.

When a Woman is alone and made to feel as insignificant as I was made to feel, it's heartbreaking, especially when the Man you trusted, uses, screws and then deletes you like you never existed. Thanks to the last prick, I will never trust Men again.

What about random assholes you encounter? I have had to deal with that type. I had one pull a gun on me.

originally posted by: KarmasBiatch
a reply to: FHomerK

Didn't you used to be Satan?

LOL.. anyways my Girlfriends and I were sitting around and thinking about turds like yourself while we were writing a paper on Relationships and our own experiences for a College ed class. I wanted to wait to post that part because I wanted to see just how many angry people would attack me over it, and you Win! You are now the subject of our paper and I think I'm going to get an A+ for this thanks to your dumb remarks and ignorant bastard reply's. Way to Go HOMER!! The class will find you a Superb Male Specimen as how not to behave and what a Male subject should NOT do to find a lifetime Mate.

I think you just lost all credibility here, and feeding into the one troll of your thread is curious at best.

Now your OP sounds like deceit and untruthful, unjustified use of fake emotions to tilt peoples heart onto sympathy of an illusion you gave off.

Not nice. But my original post earlier in the thread still hold significance, as a trickster and deceitful OP, you should learn to better yourself.

originally posted by: Elementalist

I think you just lost all credibility here, and feeding into the one troll of your thread is curious at best.

Now your OP sounds like deceit and untruthful, unjustified use of fake emotions to tilt peoples heart onto sympathy of an illusion you gave off.

Not nice. But my original post earlier in the thread still hold significance, as a trickster and deceitful OP, you should learn to better yourself.

Also, this.

And the mask falls off... Was this a two fold experiment to see whose empathy you could solicit and whose ego you could rile up ? Because of the heated responses here, I was ready to leave permanently from a place I have called home for 11 years thinking a kindred spirit of a sort had been treated completely unfairly and that the terms and conditions of this site had become a farce.
I'll thank you though. For making me see things from a completely different perspective, and that just because I call someone out for being a douche canoe,doesn't mean they are wrong. Put that in your paper.

a reply to: KarmasBiatch

As a really good guy I'd have to say I've been completely ignored by women who seem to be more interested in being treated like crap by jerks with no ambitions or Spiritual qualities.

I sympathize to a degree but I still get the notion that you aren't interested in the right guy at all.

I think everyone gets the wrong idea about how people work. A Good Man can have all of the qualities of the "bad boy rebel" without being a rude dishonest abusive jerk.

There is a synergy attainable between passionate romance, wild excitement, and the peace and mindfulness of gentle zen.

Look no one's perfect ok? Not you, not me, no one. But until you are ready to work on improving your persona and developing your Soul - this relationship thing will not work out so well. It requires two serious people seeking to improve themselves and their lives on a daily basis one step at a time.

There will be problems, lots of them. But you have to want to work as a team together, through patience forgiveness and love, to rise above all of that in order to achieve lasting happiness and joy together.

Damn, stumbled onto Buzzfeed again. Where's my popcorn...... Oh here it is.

Hey OP. You know there is probably a bunch of posts online somewhere with the guys you've dated saying the same things about you. But more than likely they just said "Screw this, lifes too short. I'll be sure to learn from the experience and not date a woman like that again....time spent bitching online is wasting time I could be meeting people"

We're often very blind to our own short comings, especially when we're focused on pointing out those of other peoples.

Look at yourself long and hard in the mirror. Often those around us, friends or lovers are very much reflections of ourselves. If you always find yourself surrounded by arseholes..... weeeeeeell..... what does that say about you?

Might be time to find new types of people to hang around. Might be time to stop dating the same 'types'.
Most people, both men AND women I know, who feel as you do they always do the same thing every time, always date the same types, then cry about how they have no idea why it never works.
And it is always everyone else's fault....nope, people like you never did anything wrong. You're not a product of your own life choices and decisions.

Have I ever told you the definition of insanity?
Insanity is doing the same # over and over and expecting different results.

Partners come and go. But you know what stays the same in every relationship you have? What is the common factor of every relationship you've ever been in?
YOU.

Maybe you should worry about yourself more, pick and correct your own faults. You cannot change others, but you can change yourself.
What I mean is take responsibility for yourself and stop passing the buck.

I've dated a few women that were arseholes. But I learned from the experiences. I made sure not to repeat them. I took responsibility for myself and my part in it. (Usually takes two to tango.) And I realise not all women are @#$% the same as not all men are.

Seriously. This is what ATS has become? Please bring back the Aliens, UFO's and weird #.
Save this # for facebook, buzzfeed and teh youtubes.

How the hell would OP even know who was male or female unless stated?

Seems like a weak research paper.

"warning"
This thread is not typical of most women.
And then claim it is for a "research paper"

Either way, sad for normal women. I appologize men.

originally posted by: KarmasBiatch
a reply to: notsure1

This thread is drawing in the male assholes which it's making it easy to pin real men from the pricks based on their ignorant replies

Glad read towards the end first to realize this is a paper of some kind. So the first point would be to address that issue. As a woman who has actually gone through abuse, this idea as a paper is disrespectful and lacking in understanding. Now there may be many reasons people endure abuse, but they would vary somewhat. For some its actually a sense of soul recognition and thanking Source for making that connection and after all the 'fun fur flying stuff that wounds the soul' you begin to realize this could have a soul rescue. The point is, there are connections between souls that also need to be respected.

Some people have been stuck for a while and need to be reconnected and brought out.

In any case these are complex issues and even the term karma, what does that mean to you? Understanding and knowledge tops karma and actually eliminates forgiveness.

Oddly enough, the part about giving up on men. Know many who have due to abuse and trauma. But some of it is of course their own participation and requires healing aspects of themselves. Most of the women I know who have harsh things to say, throw it all away when they feel an interest in someone and grow romantic again, because wounds are last for a time, they don't stick around forever. One is supposed to pick the pieces of themselves and figure out what is going on in their lives. And perhaps become less selfish about the whole concept of relationships. There are many people here who are quite amazing on the other side, who knows how long in the future. Just catch glimpses of people and the rough spots of them aren't who they will be or they are. So pulling back your power and shining a little light into a wounded soul and moving out of reach of being harmed by them but sending love to them with intention and meditation can begin to heal lives. Main point is its about rising above the personal, because in the end, it doesn't matter as much. Because healing self and striving to upgrade your consciousness here can bring many different paths.

As a paper this was disrespectful to the many women who endure real hardships with the loves of their lives.

a reply to: KarmasBiatch

I can offer some opinion!

I never realized this my entire life while others would use and violate me.

When someone attacks you in any way without provocation or justification it is them being more bad than you.

More bad = worse = inferior

When I realized that I finally started enjoying life again because all the people wrecking my life are inferior

"You have to learn to love yourself before you can truly love another"

That's why.

I don't believe you, btw.

This thread reminds me of what happened to the star Trek franchise, the threads here were mostly good like the original star Trek ,now some of these threads on Ats are like that spin off called deep space 9 which was like relationships in space, no action no storyline just boring relationships on a spacestation.

a reply to: KarmasBiatch

Sorry to hear you have suffered some assholes !

sorry to hear you feel that you can never trust a man again , on that note I know its hard to regain the trust of anyone male or female , but I have to ask , do you trust your own father if he is present in your life ?