posted on Mar, 4 2017 @ 09:06 PM
I Still Remember
You know that feeling when you’re called upon to speak
in front of a group of near strangers - that dry mouthed
trembling anxiety paired with a gut clenching nausea...
Or your very first kiss; that fiery feeling flowing from
face to feet, all encompassing, every nerve alive and on
That terrible moment when one close to you passes on
unexpectedly- that instant of disbelief, that cold, icy
chill, then everything around you recedes into the back
ground, and numbness takes over...
How about that moment when you yourself have breathed
your last, one final exhale that seems to last forever
as your sight grows dim, and then...
There are no words, but this futile attempt to describe
Pressure. Intense. Inexorable. Every fiber
of my being, my very essence down to the very atoms and
beyond, compressed and stretched as though preparing to
pass through the eye of a needle.
Then, just when I am going mad, an explosion, of sorts:
A release of the binds confining me to myself, a sudden
inflation of awareness of all those I’ve ever influenced,
for better or worse, their desires and motivations, their
actions and deeds.
All of it washes over me with complete clarity.
Greed. Lust. Hate. Fear. Pride. Loneliness.
Stealing, cheating, torturing, killing.
Kindness, charity, curiosity, patience, and love.
Understanding, empathy, and sacrifice.
I have been all these, perhaps not in action but surely
Then it all drains away and I find myself spilling
into a white featureless plane without landmark or
I’m on my knees, would throw up if I could, and the
first thing I notice is a pair of feet and legs nearby.
Struggling upright, I find the man turning to stare
at me. “Are... are you God?” I ask with a tremble.
It feels like a stupid question, given the recent
“I was about to ask you the same thing,” he says. His
eyes are glazed over, dumb struck. He leaves me there
to cross the expanse, and as he does he slowly fades
How long I lingered, I know not, but there was no further
great reveal, no appearance by a supreme being. Perhaps
this wasn’t the time or place.
Suddenly, I was struck by the idea that we are all, each
on our own, completely and entirely responsible for
ourselves. And each other.
I Woke up.
Yes, it was a dream, but one of those oh so rare as to
be indiscernible from reality.
Later, shaving, I lean over the sink, into the mirror,
and stare into my eyes, trying desperately to perceive
the mystery hidden within.
What a strange marvel that we are all here, together,
yet feel so alone.
At my apartment door, putting on my shoes, I hear the
elderly lady across the hall leaving her suite. All
we’ve ever exchanged was a wary glance, with her’s more
of a sour glare.
I lean my forehead against the door, as I usually do to
wait until she’s gone, but this time I clench my eyes
and set my jaw.
"Good morning,” I say as I catch her fumbling with her
keys. She turns and the sour look melts away to reveal
a small pleasant smile.
“Good morning.” She shoulders her purse then after giving
me the once over, adds, “Looks like it will be a lovely
“It is,” I return with a smile.
I wish I could say I changed for the better after that,
but I am after all, just me.
But I still remember.