Softball with AugustusMasonicus

In a daring acquisition for your intrepid interviewer we have our first foreigner member to participate in Softball, and by foreign, I mean strange. Most of us know that the world consists of Murika and a bunch of other places that occasionally factor into our foreign policy as future bombing targets or lackeys to help us load the bombs. This person claims to be from a place called Canada, which may or may not be real, but we'll let her tell us all aboot it.

Famed for her donut consumption and for the founding of ATS's sappiest thread, you all know her and love her, the Mommy of Dragons, JacyGirl.

AM: You allegedly live in ‘Canada’ which is supposed to be north of here, how close do you live to Santa?

JC: Santa? You haven't heard? He used to have a nice spread at the North Pole, even had his own postal code H0H 0H0 (this is true!).

But he landed his sleigh in a pothole and broke his neck. Now I see him downtown hanging in front of the meth clinic. (I heard he's been pimping out Donner and Blitzen, but you know how elves like to gossip!)

AM: Considering America’s track record, do you frequently become emotionally unsettled knowing your country is on top of our oil?

JC: Considering America's track record we are all emotionally unsettled in Canada. Didn't the Free Trade Agreement state that we would give you guys anything you wanted? And one of you chose Justin Bieber...hehe...just saying.

AM: We didn't ask for that! You sent us Bill Shatner, Celine Dion and that goddamn Justin Bieber, how can it be true that Canada likes America?

JC: Who said we like you?

AM: If you don't why did you invent maple syrup?

JC: Basically to lure you up here to spend your American money. I mean, that stuff literally drips out of the trees yet you tourists are willing to drop $15 a bottle. How do you think we pay for free health care?? Tree sap. (I meant the syrup)

AM: Which of your two seasons do you enjoy most; Winter or Almost Spring?

JC: We don't enjoy any of it. That's why we console ourselves with beer and hockey. We actually will pay money to sit in a cold arena to watch guys beat each other with sticks. I'm pretty sure our ancestors were Roman.

AM: How hard is it to learn Canadian?

JC: It's easier to say than to write. You have to add an extra letter "U" to every word and end each sentence with "eh?".

Out east they have the "oot in a boot" accent, but in Ontario we are forced to learn Quebecois French. People from France don't understand it...we don't even understand it. I guess it's more complicated than I thought, eh?

AM: Speaking of French Canadians, I thought all Canadians were supposed to be polite, did they not get the message?

JC: The message was in English so they refused to comply. I swear, they're so arrogant we sometimes mistake them for Americans.

AM: We shower. Al Gore said polar bears are all drowning into extinction, why do you continue to eat them?

JC: That is fake news! Our polar bears are all refugees heading to Scotland. I know this is true because I read it here.


 






edit on 16-4-2017 by AugustusMasonicus because: President, Jacygirl fan club.

AM: If one of your signs says ‘100 KM’ how far is it really?

JC: That totally depends on the number of Tim Horton's there are in between. Could take days.

AM: Do you elect a President like us or do the 12 of you get to take turns?

JC: I wish we took turns, but then who would do jury duty?

None of us are really sure who's running the country but Justin Trudeau is very photogenic so we just smile and go buy more beer.

AM: You created potentially the most unmanly thread of all time, The Shed, and then, recognizing your shame, you turned it over to NightStar. Tell us your thought process on why you inflicted that thread on ATS?

JC: So now you're trying to dig deep into my psyche? Fine. My therapist told me to invent a 'happy place' and go live there, right before she fired me. Night Star and I are actually dudes living in a trailer in Nebraska. It feels so good to finally tell the truth!

AM: What first drew you to ATS?

JC: I wanted to know the truth about everything. I wanted to 'deny ignorance'. Now I know that the real truth is, "ignorance is bliss". I miss my bliss.

AM: Any favorite conspiracies that you believe?

JC: I support the whole 'reptilian shapeshifter over-lord' belief, it's the only thing that makes any sense. That and the Mandela Effect and flat earth and Nibiru. (why are people "unfriending" me?)

AM: Okay, now onto the Softball segment. Besides maple syrup, whale blubber and donuts what's your favorite meal?

JC: Pasta, definitely. Especially cannelloni because it looks like long donuts.

AM: Most loved film?

JC: The Perks of Being a Wallflower, I can't explain why, it just is.

AM: Television program?

JC: Game of Thrones and I loved The Young Pope too. I don't really watch tv regularly. I check out The Simpson's too, when I want to know what's really going on in the world.

AM: Favorite book (either written in Canadian or not)?

JC: I don't have a favourite book and I'm pretty ignorant when it comes to Canadian authors. I read a lot of philosophy and psychology...if I had to name one I guess it would be The Celestine Prophecy.

AM: Final question. We’re making our country great again and while we all understand that only America can be great what are you doing to make Canada fair to so-so again?

JC: Canada is pretty much the "Island of Misfit Toys" and nobody takes us seriously. We know that we will never be a leading world power and we're okay with that. Keep giving us shiny beads and we will like you. Thank you for caring, eh?



Jacy was born in Toronto, the only child of British immigrants. Multi-lingual, she can speak some English, French and Canadian. Jacy is addicted to ferrets and donuts and lives in a Shed with my imaginary friends.

She is currently living large in Ontario due to a huge insurance payout totaling $6,000,000 ($5.25 US) from the Canadian government for a serious pothole accident. Jacy is anxiously awaiting Season 7 of her favorite television show when she can watch her alter ego get it on with Jon Snow.

Thank you all for tuning in today where we got to learn that Canada is in fact a real place filled with wonderful people huddled around an oil drum fire for warmth. We also learned how to speak a new language, found out about that idiotic metric system and addressed the harsh truth that all Canadians are drunks.

I want to thank Jacy for participating and wasting her Easter Sunday with this garbage. Jacy, your parting gifts this afternoon are a pile of extra U’s to randomly add to words, a free first class ticket on United’s Facepunch Express flying roundtrip to Nunavut and a walrus.

Thank you, until the next time.

I feel like I've just discovered the ATS Dark Web.

How could I have missed this thread? I blame the PSTD...or my Dyslexia.

Pulling a Jacy and marking my spot.
🤗

originally posted by: IAMTAT
I feel like I've just discovered the ATS Dark Web.

How could I have missed this thread? I blame the PSTD...or my Dyslexia.

At least you didn't think it was about softball like some of the other nudnicks.

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus

originally posted by: IAMTAT
I feel like I've just discovered the ATS Dark Web.

How could I have missed this thread? I blame the PSTD...or my Dyslexia.

At least you didn't think it was about softball like some of the other nudnicks.

Now that I know it's not about testicles (I'm still a bit self-conscious about having mine replaced with onyx billiard balls after a tragic hibachi incident)...I really enjoyed reading it.

originally posted by: IAMTAT
Now that I know it's not about testicles (I'm still a bit self-conscious about having mine replaced with onyx billiard balls after a tragic hibachi incident)...I really enjoyed reading it.

I almost made it about testicles but then I saw what happened to your thread and rethought that position.

Bahahaha! I knew this was going to be a riot!!!!!! I was laughing over the previous page with Mason talking to himself while I went out for a lovely Easter lunch and then read this interview! OMG! Bahahaha!

Jacy, I can't believe you told them our secret of both being dudes. Now the ladies will be looking at us with raised eyebrows. Wonder who will end up crushing on us?

Yet another hard-hitting interview.

I felt as if I was in the same room with them.

Actually I was. I was disguised as an end table.

a reply to: DBCowboy

Oops, and I stuck my gum under it. I guess that wasn't a table leg I brushed up against.

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus
a reply to: DBCowboy

Oops, and I stuck my gum under it. I guess that wasn't a table leg I brushed up against.

I love you.

originally posted by: DBCowboy
Yet another hard-hitting interview.

I felt as if I was in the same room with them.

Actually I was. I was disguised as an end table.

I'm so sorry I used your mouth as an ashtray...you shouldn't have left it open like that.

originally posted by: Night Star


Jacy, I can't believe you told them our secret of both being dudes. Now the ladies will be looking at us with raised eyebrows. Wonder who will end up crushing on us?

Oh geez you've read it.
I'm sorry I threw you under the bus...he questioned me about The Shed and I panicked!

Ahahaha!

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Canada just outshone America again by their natural whit and charm

a reply to: zazzafrazz

Ack!

I took your blue satin Manolo Blahniks!! (Cowboy dared me!)
I'm sorry, please forgive me!!

And also, I feel very empowered with all this honesty today.

originally posted by: DBCowboy
I love you.

Understandable. We're practically married after that encounter.

originally posted by: zazzafrazz
Canada just outshone America again by their natural whit and charm

Are any of us surprised?

originally posted by: zazzafrazz
a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Canada just outshone America again by their natural whit and charm

Americans have half the wit of Canadians!

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Hey!
You promised me a walrus. (go back and read...you did)

I want my walrus!!
(I'm going to feed him some of that almost legal greenery then sing "I Am the Walrus" to mess with his head!)

Thank you for introducing me to the dark side.
Donut?