Stuck in limbo between life and death

a reply to: DBCowboy

LOL I see how it is. Whatever gets me off my ass and back to the grind stone, that it?

a reply to: VegHead

I'm overdue for bed myself. Was on my way actually when I just suddenly decided I needed to talk to someone, anyone, and that's how this thread got started. Thank you so much for being here. Not just you, but everyone, it means a lot to me.

a reply to: Puppylove

Whatever gets you independent so you can live your life the way you want to.

Leave the bitterness to us old farts who have been broken by the man but are too stupid to know any better.

Hi Puppylove.
So much pain, from you and other posters.
Wish for you five minutes of respite. Just five minutes, with no regrets, no expectations, no judgments, no pain.

Please don't give-up.

I want to reiterate the advice about 5-HTP; it's quite inexpensive and works a LOT better than any of the pharmaceuticals; small doses at first; one caveat is that it's a serotonin donor and you have serotonin receptors in your small intestine, right after the stomach; in some people (maybe 50%) those serotonin receptors are extremely sensitive to the 5-HTP the first and/or second day you take it. It can cause vomiting, which is what those receptors are for; the body will use them to precipitate vomiting when it needs to, but you're supplying the same chemical in exogenous form. Even if that happens, STICK WITH IT! It works and it works like a charm. The vomiting will stop and never happen again, the receptors pretty much burn out or become inured to it. You can buy it in capsule form or bulk form (powder) and just put a tiny amount, about 1/32 of a tsp, on your tongue and let it sink it. That can help it bypass your stomach and it goes right past the blood brain barrier. I think some people just need more of it (the tryptophan that it turns into) than others, and a diet too low in it (turkey, almonds, bananas are highest) causes a depressionary spiral.

Takes just a few days, instead of pharmaceuticals that can take weeks and put you in a downward spiral if they're not the right thing. Once it really kicks in, you'll notice a brightening of your mood, ability to concentrate better and also more ability to sleep and stay asleep. You need enough serotonin in your brain to be able to make melatonin, which is why doctors ask if 'you're having trouble sleeping' - it's one of the diagnostics for depression.

I can't repeat how well it works enough. There's a reason it's sold all over the place; read up about it on line, you'll see the testimonials. Your body and brain chemistry may well have been fracked by some of the other chemicals you've been on, and hormone treatments? The years between adolescence and menopause are a real kick in the head, don't miss them anymore!

Second recommendation: I can guarantee you in every town there are private persons and services BEGGING for home health aide workers; with the baby boom aging, there's a huge call for this. (Also for tutors, but maybe you already considered that). Look on Craigslist under health jobs. I guarantee you you can get a job fast for any amount of hours a week with an easy 'client' - who will turn into a friend - that may need only the lightest of care; food shopping, simple meals, some help with dressing or light housekeeping. It doesn't pay very well so the more expensive the town you're in, (oddly) the more the services are in demand. People have trouble living on the wages in high priced areas. If you wanted to or need to in the future, live-in jobs are available (no medical skill set necessary, only common sense) which would give you a nice home to live in, time off, and free housing, plus a salary.

Many people don't consider something like this but there are a lot of advantages to it, and you can keep looking for a 'client' until you find someone whose company you enjoy. No need to be with someone who is miserable or difficult.

Sources on both advices - been there, done that.
Good luck and take care.

a reply to: DBCowboy

I think, if I can find the right balance between work and living I'll be alright. I keep ending up in extremes I'm simply not built to handle. The hard part is making enough to pay my bills without a 48+ hour job I'm not emotionally equipped to handle.

I seem to run into too few hours for too little, or too many and I fall apart because some of us are just not work machines. I'm too much a dreamer and creative to be stifled that long in a week. It wrecks me emotionally.

Honestly I screwed up my life, my natural talents is the arts, but I did everything but them, due to an overreaction to them by my parents and teachers and being sent to a special school with crazy violent people because my art was gruesome I turned away from what I was truly skilled at.

Honestly I should be a writer, artist, I could have been so much, I literally ooze with untapped creativity and talent. But it's too late to hone it again, or make real use of it. Plus I still have severe mental blocks...

a reply to: Puppylove

It's never too late to hone those skills.

Trust an old man on that one.

a reply to: SentientCentenarian

Wow that all sounds like some pretty sound advice. I will definitely look into that. I never even considered something like that. Kind of assumed you needed special training and licensing and stuff.

a reply to: DBCowboy

Maybe I can combine that advice with the advice above. Look into a job that's helping people specifically, and work on honing my skills as well. I never take the time to try, get frustrated because I've fallen so far behind where I used to be, I give up after the first attempt at anything.

I'm my own worst critic. The artist's curse.

Well everyone thank you all so much for everything. But this puppy is pooped, and overdue for bed. I'm feeling much better for all your help. I think I'll have a much better sleep than I have been for it.

Love you all you amazing wonderful people you!!!

a reply to: Puppylove

Sweetie you are just "stuck"......

happens to all of us. No shame.

Time to take one small step.
It gets easier after that.

Honest!!!

Just do one thing, whether it's dishes in the kitchen sink or finding you're tax statements and paper clipping them to do later.

all you have to do is JUST ONE THING!!
Honest! Anything! It doesn't matter.

It'll be OK and you will see you're way thru this.....I Promise.

Everyone get's stuck and then everyone moves on....if they say they don't they are lying. I've been there, my friends have been there....this is normal. It's also OK ,as long as you don't "live there".

Time to move along after you're visit.
It'll get better.....I swear!!!

Hugggs,
Caver

I am late to your thread but just wanted to give you a hug and offer you our shoulders if you need to lean on someone.

Agree about the 5-HTP, that stuff works! I've also used theanine with some good results. I think you will be surprised at how quickly and smoothly the 5HTP works. If it works for you like it did me.. I just noticed one day that the 'clouds' weren't as black.. the pain and injustice in the world didn't break me like before..it just strengthened my heart to do whatever I can to help wherever I can. It also did not give me any weird side effects I had on pharmaceuticals. (although Celexa worked well for me) I was unable to get decent work after a layoff from company being sold and don't have insurance either, but there are sometimes outreach programs that are incredibly helpful. If you're up to it, try calling your local unemployment center and ask them if there is a medical program available. There are many counselors, therapists, and medical doctors out there who donate their services, and can sometimes even get you your medication free.

When you are feeling better, check around or maybe post something on your apartment bulletin board about being available for small jobs. It might bring you in a few dollars here and there and help you feel productive without being a slave to a system.

Indulge that creative side! It may help you in a deeper way that we don't clearly understand. If nothing else, it can be your own private visual diary. What would you draw or paint if you knew no one else was ever going to see it?

Sleep well and let us know how your'e doing tomorrow, ok?

I hear where you are coming from.

I wouldn't say I had the exact same issues as you, I had my own "questioning" of why...which can put you in a depressive state if dwelled upon logically.

I found these two articles to be very helpful. While they aren't a "cure"...they did open my thoughts up to a different perspective and helped on the path to getting out of the same loop of reasoning I was in.

Not sure if they will help you or not, but thought I'd share.

Leo Tolstoy on Finding Meaning in a Meaningless World

The Ego and the Universe: Alan Watts on Becoming Who You Really Are

Things that help me....
un...

www.askamanager.org...
Cause it helps to see how many other work-places suck

captainawkward.com...
look for what applies to you in the search function, the african violet of friendship is PRICELESS!!!

a reply to: Puppylove

If you think ATS contributes to feeling bad, you should take a break from it. Cut back the time you spend on here. I had to do it myself. I've only just returned.

Anything that makes you worse, you need to remove these things. Except of course working. You need that to provide for you. We all do.

I've been in your state of mind. Not over the same things, but suicidal. I saw no other way of ending the pain. I had to pluck up the courage to make changes. I'm like you, lacking in the motivation department. It's hard.


I hope you can find peace

a reply to: Puppylove

Hang in there. You've got two incredibly huge things you have to tackle at once... your mental state and your financial state and they are co-dependent. I can't imagine that there's not some resources available to you through transgender networks. What you're dealing with is very common among transgender people.

Apply for free healthcare and SNAP benefits. Don't be ashamed to do it, you're literally fighting for your life. You can pay it forward later after you've stabilized and are flourishing.

Go on YouTube and find some mindfulness meditations or affirmations or guided meditations, learning how to calm panic and stress in any situation will help you enormously (it's not a replacement for a therapist though). These are methods being taught to patients of all sorts of conditions and they really do help, I know from personal experience. Once this becomes habit for you, you can do it anytime you need without being guided through it. Do it every time you feel paralyzed.

As far as work goes, there's always odd jobs for cash. There's dog walking or pet sitting, babysitting, running errands, yard work etc... all sorts of stuff. Try Craigslist or look on any bulletin boards that might be in your area. Watch for scams though.

What can you do immediately?

1. If you're frozen, meditate/affirm
2.Make the calls/visit the offices you need to apply for benefits from
3. Think about odd jobs you can do in the mean time for cash

Break it all down into as small of chunks that you need to. Each inch you move will build confidence. If you have to, start with getting out of bed... if it's that bad you find yourself in bed too much, start there. Just say okay I'm stuck, I feel like sht, but I CAN get out of this bed.

You can do this.

a reply to: Kali74

Apply for free healthcare and SNAP benefits. Don't be ashamed to do it, you're literally fighting for your life.

This^^^.

That is what it is there for.

I sent you a LONG PM Puppylove relating my life experience.

Feel free to PM back if you want. (((HUGS)))

An existential crisis mixed with emotional/psychological trauma and difficult circumstances is never a good combination of factors to deal with.

Just know that many out there can relate to your experiences and have been able to get through similar things you are currently dealing with.

You have the power within you to persevere and overcome what's happening. You can experience peace, good health and prosperity.

It can be done.

a reply to: Puppylove

Hey man, really sorry to hear about this. I'm in a similar situation, although a bit different. I have no answers for you because my situation went from bad to great to awful (currently). But perhaps I'll mention some things that I've gone through and see if it helps at all.

I was working full-time in my mid-to-late 20's. Middle management crapping on me for no reason (and it seems others because a lot of people started leaving). I went through a rough break up, my dog of many years died, and my last living grandparent died all basically within a year on top of the crappy job. Most of my friends were only interested in hanging out and drinking (which involved something painful that I won't delve into here), so I began also drifting apart from my same-age peers. I started getting the idea that maybe I should go back to school and change my career. I was making great money and could have just bounced between jobs, but every job lasted 2-3 years before crappy stuff went on at work and I was quickly getting sick of it. I decided to get start my MA, based on a summer course that I took after graduating with my BS.

The MA was great. I was very short on cash and basically blowing all my savings (that I had saved up for a house) on just surviving and school. But I was happier that I had been for a long time...and also since Started dating someone at the end of the first year, things were basically great overall.

Went to another country after finishing my MA to do some preliminary research as I waited to hear about acceptance (or not) to PhD programs. This is where the # began to begin dribbling down and slowly coating me. I found someone in this country who put me into an unnecessary legal problem and screwed my chances of continuing research there. Got accepted to a PhD program (which temporarily helped...but the depression was too strong still to keep me up). Left that country and went to live where the Uni is. Things seemed ok for a bit, and then two professors got their jollies mentally tormenting me, in public (so many others could even see it happening), which set off another deep depression. Then I started doing my research which is in yet another country. It helped in many ways in the beginning, but I kept finding so many bad people...just enough that you know everyone isn't bad but too many are (we're talking, not just selfish, but vindictive for no apparent reason). Combine a few other sad and hurtful situations throughout and I've found myself floating in depression. My PhD is supposed to wrap up in 6months to a year, and I can barely get myself to do anything other than basically stare at my computer for hours wishing I could just suddenly die of a heart attack, not wake up, or figuring out a way to live away from people.

I have no answers. But, I would say that people are the enemy. Like, people in general, worldwide. There's just enough bad people that it's like a minefield for depression that sort of keeps you down once you've fallen down. What other people have mentioned about talking with someone, that's a good idea. I'm in a similar boat, however, where I am on a scholarship that barely allows me to survive and I am in a different country with very little ability to take advantage of counseling services because I'm not even a citizen here. Anyway, in addition to finding a good person to chat with, I think you should try finding a grassroots type of community, like urban farming or stuff like that. These are the communities that seem to have the least really hurtful people from my experience. When I was doing my MA, I got involved with other students just enough to have the positive reinforcement. As a PhD student, I should do the same, but I have just enough deadlines that I am just barely making (or sometimes just a little late) that getting involved in a community is nearly impossible, which exacerbates my depression. The thing is, if you have the time and can find these types of communities, it has a lot of potential to help. Also try considering finding local groups who do meditation or exercise (e.g. yoga) in a public space. These types of communities seem to have a more positive approach and seem to actually want to help people like us more than the general population.

I realize money is tight or non-existent for you, but I found a couple things which are pretty reasonably priced as supplements which have helped me sleep better and/or better energy during the day. Sorry, I'm not trying to advertise for specific products, I just noticed some people mentioning 5-HTP and it reminded me of things I'm using. The first is Dr. Christopher's Adrenal formula (it's basically just a bunch of different B vitamins) - good for energy. The second is Ashwagandha - good for stress. I miss days occasionally, but try taking one of each every day. You may realize that I still have depression from things, but since I've been taking these, I noticed I'm more functional and less immobilized by my depression. Like, I spend lots of time brooding about stuff that I shouldn't be (and don't want to be), but taking these supplements feels like the rain cloud is above my head and following me around, rather than surrounding my head and making my vision lost in the sadness.

I agree with others about taking things slowly. And I'm definitely stuck myself trying to do the same thing. But I got out of it once, and remember how it felt. You need to push hard with something that makes you feel like continuing to move (like free group meditation, yoga, community gardening, or whatever you can find that suits your fancy). You may not want to continue doing that specific thing forever, but just try doing something like that for awhile to get you moving. After a few weeks or a month, reconsider and try to make changes or move to a different thing that feels instinctively like it will be better. After 6months-1year, you may find yourself ready to make a huge change somehow that seems risky, but is what you need.

a reply to: Puppylove

Wow! This was like reading my own bio. I've been in a similar limbo for 2 years. I did have money saved up to get help (about 15 sessions of what I call "grief therapy"). This helped me get through the deep emotions, but my negative thoughts about the world and many people haven't changed. I think that many of your thoughts are legitimate. There is a reason why so many are in a similar situation. People and society in general have become incredibly cold and soulless the way I see it. Not everyone can function in it anymore.

On an other note, a while ago my therapist told me I had a lot of symptoms of ADD (ADHD without the hyperactivity). Recently she advised me to get some tests done, and I've already had an intake with a specialist. He said my life story is typical of someone with ADD. So I've been researching it, and I must say it's quite revealing. Also, I have noticed most of my own symptoms in one of my three sons (he's 7 now). So that makes sense, because ADHD/ADD is hereditary in most cases. I don't want to push this idea on you, just wanted to share it because the way you analyse things is very similar to my own.

Good on you for sharing this!


soulwaxer