Stuck in limbo between life and death

No one really knows this or not the full details, but several months ago I had a mental breakdown. As a result I just stopped going to work. Obviously lost my job, and just kinda been stuck in limbo. I feel like I'm stuck between a choice of slavery or suicide and neither choice seems better than the other. I can't stay in limbo forever, but I can't seem to get out of this funk either.

I don't really want to die. I'm a curious person, fascinated by the world I live in. My family has been plagued by suicides, and my killing myself would devastate them. I love my family, even my dad who's probably the number one reason I'm an emotional wreck, I don't want to do that to them. But I'm also trapped.

I want to do the right thing, but even trying to fill out an application causes me to panic, I curl up and sob. I feel trapped and this isn't even the beginning of my problems. I haven't done my taxes for four years, and am in school debt. I had one year where I did alright, then I lost my job after a divorce. I filled out my taxes online, saw I owed money for the first time ever, and was jobless and broke, I didn't know what to do, had a panic attack and went no further with it. Didn't send it in. Every year I end up broke and helpless at tax season and break down, never getting the help I need. So I do nothing knowing it's the worst thing I can do, but too emotional broken to do otherwise.

Now I seem to have finally and truly shut down. I can't seem to do anything I'm supposed to do. I live entirely on the good will of my roommate, something I feel incredibly guilty about. You'd think that guilt would get me off my ass but it doesn't. Nothing does. I can't afford help because I need a job, and I can't get a job because I need help. I'm not sure what to do, and even if I knew I'm not sure I can.

I know a lot of people are going to call me lazy, tell me I'm being melodramatic, making excuses, full of #. To just suck it up and go back to work. Get a job, work 6 out of 7 days a week, or whatever they ask me to do. I wish I could, but part of me doesn't so maybe they're right. I don't know. I get angry, frustrated, want to cry, stab someone, put a bullet through my head, all these emotions when I think about going back to giving up every day of my life to feeling trapped, slaving away for soulless corporations bleeding the world and people around me of all their lifeblood.

I just don't see a point to living like that, I can't stand it, working for these bastards, it's more than I can handle. Even worse, doing so for most of my waking hours throughout every week. Knowing that people are dying somewhere because these bastards are sitting on a yacht sipping martini's, that all those around me are slaving for table scraps. These people are using slave labor in far off nations, exploiting illegal immigrants, pushing the drug war on the world, keeping life saving drugs from those who need it most, poisoning us with chemicals, keeping us in a constant state of war, and I'm supposed to just go to work for most of my life helping them continue to do all this.

I just, I hate this world so much, or not the world, the people in power, in charge of it. I feel so helpless and weak. It's not that I hate working, I used to want to be a teacher, but they destroyed that too, the education industry is a wreck. Teachers are neutered. I couldn't stand being a teacher in our current education system. Teaching the test... I like helping people, all the work I've enjoyed most in life I did for free, not because of some monetary profit, but because it was the right thing to do and it mattered to real people. But that same desire to help others drives me crazy the second I work for monsters and don't even have the time or money to do anything in my community or for others for it.

Just living each day feeding corporate greed is no way to live. I'm just a slave supporting the greed of monsters. I don't get much for it. A roof, crappy food, and stuff I can only use for a insignificant portion of the week. I lose any time with friends, family, or even my community. I'm not only useless going to these jobs, I'm actually helping these people take even more from us all and continue their rein of terror. I can't help anyone, I can't do anything to fix anything, I either die or become a part of the problem.

But then maybe these are just excuses. Maybe I don't really care about any of this. Maybe I'm just broken. I'm not going to work because I just don't have the will. These are just things I say to delude myself there's some noble purpose behind my insanity and helplessness. Maybe I'm just incredible weak and pathetic, shutting down at the first sign of responsibility. Maybe that weakness and cowardliness is why I don't kill myself as well. Not so much caring about my family, but that exact same weakness that keeps me curled in a ball with tears rolling down my cheek because of a simple piece of paper asking me to fill out my name.

I don't know what's real and what's delusion, I don't know what's paranoia, what's excuses, what's weakness, what's conviction, what's fear, what's anything...

I'm in limbo and I don't know how to escape

a reply to: Puppylove

Me too. You're not alone. There is a bright day outside the tunnel, it's waiting for us.

"Reality is what remains regardless of whether we believe in it."

a reply to: OneGoal

I wish I could believe that. Honestly at this point I'm just plain terrified.

a reply to: Puppylove

Check my edit in quotations. I typed that without having seen your reply. I wish you the very best puppy, sincerely. There is ALWAYS a solution.

a reply to: OneGoal

I'm not sure I understand.

I'm really glad you posted this, but I'm so sorry for how you are feeling.

Depression is a real beast... And you need help. You are unlikely to get out of it alone, but you can get better. You can absolutely turn everything around and someday this time in your life will be just a distant memory.

Tackle one problem at a time, to the degree that is possible. Reach out for help. It is out there.

It can get better, I promise you...but don't try to do it alone.

What i meant is that there is always a solution, a light outside the tunnel for you, and I, we are not alone. I know you may not believe that at this time, but that is the reality. Pm me if you like puppy im in a similar situation and understand what youre saying. Wishing you clarity and tranquility.

a reply to: Puppylove

Start small. Build on small successes. Don't do, don't try to do, everything at once.

a reply to: VegHead

I've tried so many times, gotten so close. Thought, this time I'm really doing it, over and over again. And then, even knowing it's coming, I try to get help too late to stop the fall.

I keep making the same mistakes, I need to break the cycle, get a job, get help right away, don't sit on it, don't fall for the momentary illusion that I'm alright.

But... first I need to get back to that point. There is my problem, I've never been this completely shut down. I don't know how to crawl back out, and I'm afraid to tell anyone. My roommate has been great, but has no idea what's really going, or maybe they do. So much unsaid. He's put up with this for months, no real complaint. A few hints a month or so ago, but nothing really lately. We game together, talk and laugh. He buys me groceries, keeps my laptop payments up, which we use for gaming together. I don't know why he's been so great and patient. I'm afraid if I tell him I lied about how I lost my job he'll feel betrayed. I don't know...

a reply to: DBCowboy

Small successes. I guess this alone is a small success. I'm actually starting to confront it again. I'm no longer the only one that knows, and am discussing it. That's something, right?

originally posted by: Puppylove
a reply to: DBCowboy

Small successes. I guess this alone is a small success. I'm actually starting to confront it again. I'm no longer the only one that knows, and am discussing it. That's something, right?

Absolutely.

a reply to: Puppylove

Your words sadden me and also help me to remember that there are so many broken people in the world today.
It's easy for some of us to sit inside our little bubble and forget that there is a shared pain and anguish amongst so many folks around us, if we only knew.

It feels as if it's getting bigger or stronger, the numbers of people suffering from/experiencing some sort of either physical ailment or mental illness or an extreme desperate loneliness and despair. Perhaps it has always been there we are just able to hear about it more frequently from the corners of the globe today.

This may not be popular advice but I think that you have to find some sort of help be it a Doctor, Counselor or Clergy. Is there a vocational/job office in your town that could assist you in your quest for employment? Perhaps looking in a completely different direction for a job/career could be what you are needing. Maybe some sort of work helping people in the community who have no one. You would almost help each other in a way.

Please don't dismiss the idea of medication, at this point, if a Doctor were to suggest it. I have seen first hand the help that it can give someone if it is needed. Please don't continue to be locked away. It is especially concerning the longer you are in this place the easier it can be for some to just live there in their seclusion and isolation. It's truly not healthy for you and very scary for those who love you. Thank goodness for your roommate.

I truly wish you the best and to say 'hang in there' seems so weak but I don't know what else to say. I would hope that you have someone, family maybe, that you can turn to who can physically be there with you for a while. It is good that you have reached out and that could be considered a step in my opinion.

Maybe it's time to take the next step and find someone close to you physically.
I wish you all of the luck in the world. I hope that you continue to reach out, even if it's here and keep in touch.

a reply to: Puppylove

Wow, you sure had me fooled. You seemed extremely confident, poised. selfreliant and happy to rake me over the coals when I disagreed with you about Trump.

a reply to: olaru12

I'm 36 years old, I'm good at hiding it, at hiding a lot of things really. Besides, ATS is a good... or bad distraction for me... In some ways it both helps and feeds into my issues. Gives me a place to vent and fight, but also feeds into many of the thoughts that tear me down.

a reply to: TNMockingbird

I've been on pills haven't found one that worked, haven't been able to afford a real psychologist or therapist for more than two sessions... I tend to get out of my rut, feel great and successful, not feel a need to seek help, then feel it come again, rush to get help too late, lose all my money trying to afford that help, but lose my job anyway and end up penniless.

originally posted by: Puppylove
a reply to: olaru12

I'm 36 years old, I'm good at hiding it, at hiding a lot of things really. Besides, ATS is a good... or bad distraction for me... In some ways it both helps and feeds into my issues. Gives me a place to vent and fight, but also feeds into many of the thoughts that tear me down.

You have my love and sympathy because I too know the darkness of the spirit.

Look, I'll be straight with you:

You need to get yourself help. It's hard to see when you're in the funk, but something needs to kick you in the tail and make you realize you need to get that help. I'm not talking about full hospitalization, but I am talking about talking to someone you can trust. Do you have a GP doc like that? He or she can maybe refer you to a good counselor who can get your ball rolling.

I can't pretend to know what this is like as a permanent condition, but I was put into a depressed mood and destabilized mood state by some medications for another condition mixed with my birth control. The combination put me into a depressed state where I felt like literally everything about life was futile, and that was when I wasn't liable to fly into a frothing red rage for no reason at all.

My wake up call was when I nearly screamed at a customer who came into the shop where I was working ... just because they walked into the door and no other reason. That and just that enraged me.

I knew then that none of what I was experiencing was normal, and I resolved to talk to my doctor.

Fortunately, my situation was easily resolved by stopping the medications, but it is one of the reasons why I don't take birth control and don't touch a certain class of medication to this day.

And I won't lie, if you choose to embark on this path, it won't be easy. You may have to endure medication. That's not easy. Those take time - time for you to adjust to; time for you to wean off of. And they may have side effects you may not like. And if you don't do medication, it's the counseling which also takes time and effort, or it may mean both.

But hang in there, I have faith in you. You can do it. You just need to take those first steps. Please.

a reply to: Puppylove

Oh crap I'm 37... I got my own age wrong...

a reply to: Puppylove

I feel the same way. I feel like I shouldn't even reply to your post because I don't have anything positive to say but I want to add something because I feel similar. Life is so sad. It's so sad and then it just gets sadder! It feels like too much. I don't see much good or the point of this. People are horrible and so many people and animals suffer. There is too much suffering to even grasp and what I do grasp is completely devastating. At work I feel so inferior and worthless. At work I see suffering that breaks my heart so bad. At home I feel hopeless. I just don't know what to do. I always generally feel horrible but tonight was bad. I'm very full of self-hatred and outward hatred of a lot of things. I feel like I can't function correctly in this world. There are so many things that are drowning me. I seriously wanted to make a post like yours about an hour or so ago but I get nervous if I draw too much attention to myself. I'm a freak! I know it sounds weird after all my negativity but please don't hurt yourself. I don't know what to tell you but try to hang in there.

a reply to: ketsuko

All those things cost money though... and lots of it without insurance. With my constantly being in and out of work, I never have any...