posted on Sep, 4 2016 @ 09:25 PM
No one really knows this or not the full details, but several months ago I had a mental breakdown. As a result I just stopped going to work.
Obviously lost my job, and just kinda been stuck in limbo. I feel like I'm stuck between a choice of slavery or suicide and neither choice seems
better than the other. I can't stay in limbo forever, but I can't seem to get out of this funk either.
I don't really want to die. I'm a curious person, fascinated by the world I live in. My family has been plagued by suicides, and my killing myself
would devastate them. I love my family, even my dad who's probably the number one reason I'm an emotional wreck, I don't want to do that to them.
But I'm also trapped.
I want to do the right thing, but even trying to fill out an application causes me to panic, I curl up and sob. I feel trapped and this isn't even
the beginning of my problems. I haven't done my taxes for four years, and am in school debt. I had one year where I did alright, then I lost my job
after a divorce. I filled out my taxes online, saw I owed money for the first time ever, and was jobless and broke, I didn't know what to do, had a
panic attack and went no further with it. Didn't send it in. Every year I end up broke and helpless at tax season and break down, never getting the
help I need. So I do nothing knowing it's the worst thing I can do, but too emotional broken to do otherwise.
Now I seem to have finally and truly shut down. I can't seem to do anything I'm supposed to do. I live entirely on the good will of my roommate,
something I feel incredibly guilty about. You'd think that guilt would get me off my ass but it doesn't. Nothing does. I can't afford help
because I need a job, and I can't get a job because I need help. I'm not sure what to do, and even if I knew I'm not sure I can.
I know a lot of people are going to call me lazy, tell me I'm being melodramatic, making excuses, full of #. To just suck it up and go back to work.
Get a job, work 6 out of 7 days a week, or whatever they ask me to do. I wish I could, but part of me doesn't so maybe they're right. I don't
know. I get angry, frustrated, want to cry, stab someone, put a bullet through my head, all these emotions when I think about going back to giving up
every day of my life to feeling trapped, slaving away for soulless corporations bleeding the world and people around me of all their lifeblood.
I just don't see a point to living like that, I can't stand it, working for these bastards, it's more than I can handle. Even worse, doing so for
most of my waking hours throughout every week. Knowing that people are dying somewhere because these bastards are sitting on a yacht sipping
martini's, that all those around me are slaving for table scraps. These people are using slave labor in far off nations, exploiting illegal
immigrants, pushing the drug war on the world, keeping life saving drugs from those who need it most, poisoning us with chemicals, keeping us in a
constant state of war, and I'm supposed to just go to work for most of my life helping them continue to do all this.
I just, I hate this world so much, or not the world, the people in power, in charge of it. I feel so helpless and weak. It's not that I hate
working, I used to want to be a teacher, but they destroyed that too, the education industry is a wreck. Teachers are neutered. I couldn't stand
being a teacher in our current education system. Teaching the test... I like helping people, all the work I've enjoyed most in life I did for free,
not because of some monetary profit, but because it was the right thing to do and it mattered to real people. But that same desire to help others
drives me crazy the second I work for monsters and don't even have the time or money to do anything in my community or for others for it.
Just living each day feeding corporate greed is no way to live. I'm just a slave supporting the greed of monsters. I don't get much for it. A
roof, crappy food, and stuff I can only use for a insignificant portion of the week. I lose any time with friends, family, or even my community.
I'm not only useless going to these jobs, I'm actually helping these people take even more from us all and continue their rein of terror. I can't
help anyone, I can't do anything to fix anything, I either die or become a part of the problem.
But then maybe these are just excuses. Maybe I don't really care about any of this. Maybe I'm just broken. I'm not going to work because I just
don't have the will. These are just things I say to delude myself there's some noble purpose behind my insanity and helplessness. Maybe I'm just
incredible weak and pathetic, shutting down at the first sign of responsibility. Maybe that weakness and cowardliness is why I don't kill myself as
well. Not so much caring about my family, but that exact same weakness that keeps me curled in a ball with tears rolling down my cheek because of a
simple piece of paper asking me to fill out my name.
I don't know what's real and what's delusion, I don't know what's paranoia, what's excuses, what's weakness, what's conviction, what's fear,
I'm in limbo and I don't know how to escape