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originally posted by: Tempter
Nearly 5 months dry. # alcohol.
originally posted by: MystikMushroom
a reply to: mumoffive
You need to take care of yourself and your kids first and foremost.
Usually the people who are closet to the alcoholic will display codependant behavior, and working to correct and overcome this will greatly improve the lives you you, your children and ultimately your children's father.
You can't "make" an alcoholic change. You can't force them to stop their destructive behavior. A lot of the behavior you described sounds to me like he is in denial about how damaging his behavior is to those around him. Right now, he's living in a world that hasn't touched him with serious enough consequences to make him question the his choices/behavior.
He blames you because he refuses to look at himself. If he's projecting onto you, then somewhere deep down inside of him he does know that he is to blame for your leaving.
You aren't responsible for his choices and behavior. You can't "fix" him. You have to worry about yourself and your children and the things in YOUR life that you DO have control and are responsible for.
I don't want to write a novel, so I'll try to cut to the chase:
Lots of people talk about DNA, genetics, bla bla bla -- the fact is, there honestly hasn't been much in the way of credible scientific research to indicate that alcoholism is some kind of inherited or genetic "disease". Even the twin studies that have been conducted weren't all that conclusive.
What IS known from case studies over decades of interviewing and studying alcoholics is one reoccurring theme:
At some level, in some way, in the recesses of the alcoholic they feel powerless or not in control of their life of situation in life.
Drinking alcohol is a direct, quick, and easy way for someone to assert control over how they feel (emotionally and physically). It is something THEY can do for themselves. When alcoholics were asked to go back and examine the thoughts and circumstances just before any episode of drinking, we almost always uncover some feeling of "taking back control" or taking back power over a situation of emotional state.
There might be alcoholics in here that'll remember thinking, "I'm going to have some beer, dammit, and you can't stop me!" Or perhaps going to the liquor store angry, and deciding to drink because they're upset/pissed off at someone/something. A "forget this, I'm getting drunk" attitude.
Turning off or tuning out because you don't want to or can't deal with a situation you don't have control over is a common feeling among alcoholics. Many "check out" after a stressful day that they can't figure out how to manage.
The only thing I can say is that the more you work on improving yourself, your life, and the lives of your children -- the more positive effect it tends to have on the alcoholic.
This sounds harsh but it needs to be said: You can't save everyone, not everyone wants to be saved, and not everyone should be saved. It's painful, but sometimes you have to cut your losses and move on. You deserve to be happy and live a life full of joy and abundance. You have the power to make your life and the lives of your children wonderful.
If you are buying into his projection games and feeling guilt, accepting empty apologies and allowing your ex to continue being a negative and destructive influence on you and your kids -- you are essentially condoning and saying his behavior is acceptable as part of your world.
You deserve better. You deserve more. Your children especially deserve more.
Get a protective order if you have to, and steer clear from this man until he's decided he wants to sort his life out and approach you from a place of sobriety. Until you do this, you are essentially rewarding his negative behavior by allowing him to reach you.
If you get word he's making solid, real, and honest progress you might decide at some point to SLOWLY re-introduce yourself (not the kids yet) and offer positive support and reinforcement.
Sorry for the long post ... I've been in a lot of rooms, talked to a lot of people. A few doing great, many missing and some likely now dead.
The long and short? DO YOU. Take control over your life and the lives of your children. Don't allow this guy to drag you down, foul you and their lives along with his.