Being Married To An Alcoholic... My First Rodeo

originally posted by: visitedbythem
Find out what pain she is trying to subdue. Something is hurting her, and she cant handle the pain

This is total #.

Let me tell you what she needs. How do I know? Because I'm an alcoholic just like her. She needs to hit rock bottom and then join AA. She needs to be around other sober alcoholics and the power of the group. YOU CANNOT HELP. And she will learn that SHE cannot help.


Alcoholics are not like regular people. They can't drink like regular people. Although it may have seemed like it she cannot.

She needs God and I'm totally serious.

# off and let her die if you don't heed my warning.

She must WANT to attend AA. Just one meeting. Then 90 in 90 days.

Read the first to last chapter of The Big Book and start understanding yourself.

If you really care you'll do this.


-a friend of Bill


One more thing. It's a miracle I'm able to bring this message to you. If not for AA I'd be six feet under right now. I drank JUST like your wife. I lost my family, wife, job. Nearly my life. Do it for her. Keep telling her to go.

She's lucky to be alive..

Show her this.....

Effects of Alcohol

Expressed in Blood Alcohol Concentration (BAC) levels

0.03 BAC - Slowed reaction time.
0.04 BAC - Federal prohibited limit for commercial drivers license.
0.05 BAC - Increased risk taking and American Medical Association recommended prohibited limit.
0.08 BAC - Recommended prohibited limit for criminal charges and impaired vision.
0.10 BAC - Poor large muscle control, loss of balance, and prohibited limit in most states.
0.17 BAC - National average blood alcohol level of drivers in a fatal crash.
0.19 BAC - National average for first time DUI offender and of persons who have killed police officers.
0.20 BAC - Loss of emotional control.
0.22 BAC - National average for replete DUI offenders at time of arrest.
0.30 BAC - Loss of orientation as to time and place,.
0.35 BAC - Blackouts and stupor.
0.50 BAC - Published overdose level leading to death.
0.74 BAC - Highest recorded blood alcohol level by a US hospital.



Then start putting Castor oil in all of her drinks. She will get so tired of phucking and craping that she
will lose the desire for alcohol.

originally posted by: YachiruKusajishi
a reply to: YayMayorBee

AA for you is a priority! They can help you and even give you guidance to help her. She may need to go to a treatment center to keep her alive! Remember you can't force her to change her ways she has to want it or it will be a disaster. Perhaps seek out a counselor who specializes in addiction for both of you. These people are there to help you. Please seek them out! Addiction is a big deal and very hard to handle by yourself.

AA? this being ATS and all I would just like to point out that AA (certainly in the UK) is based on religion ..............probably why it (1)NEVER worked for me, and (2) It wasn't my choice to go in the first place....... there are reasons why I drink, no one has thought to ask, let alone listen.

Not condoning what she has done or has become, just saying

originally posted by: YachiruKusajishi
a reply to: YayMayorBee

AA for you is a priority! They can help you and even give you guidance to help her. She may need to go to a treatment center to keep her alive! Remember you can't force her to change her ways she has to want it or it will be a disaster. Perhaps seek out a counselor who specializes in addiction for both of you. These people are there to help you. Please seek them out! Addiction is a big deal and very hard to handle by yourself.

AA? this being ATS and all I would just like to point out that AA (certainly in the UK) is based on religion ..............probably why it (1)NEVER worked for me, and (2) It wasn't my choice to go in the first place....... there are reasons why I drink, no one has thought to ask, let alone listen. All i ever hear and feel is aggression, shouting and opinionated speeches (which makes things worse TBQH). Pretty much glad she (my wife) does not work for the NTSB as the cause / reasons are pretty much formulated before the investigation (what investigation) begins

To the OP, Not condoning what she (your wife) has done or has become, emptying bottles etc is the last thing you should do along with your other described actions, how is that going to FIX things? although i do understand why you did / do these actions, just saying

I have experience with this - me, although I wasn't as bad as your missus.

The interesting thing is that I also work from home, I run my own business, and when you're by yourself all day and in my case doing work that you aren't enjoying, you'll one day end up getting to lunchtime and thinking "I really don't want to face doing this work, I'm going to have the day off and have a few beers".

The next day the job you're trying to avoid is still there, along with more work you now need to do, and you have a few more beers.

Before you know it, it's become a habit and you're drinking all of the time.

I discovered the answer by chance, apart obviously from realising that I wasn't enjoying the kind of work I was taking on, and consequently changing that.

But what happened was one day it got to just after lunchtime and I started really wanting a beer, but there was none in the house, so I thought "I'll go to the shop and get some, but first I think I'll have a sandwich".

I had the food and instantly the desire for beer disappeared.

I think that because I was drinking early in the day before I'd eaten, my body was starting to confuse being hungry with wanting a drink, i.e. it was so used to getting alcohol that my brain was telling me it wanted beer, when in fact it wanted food.

So that for me was the solution - change the boring jobs I hated, and start to eat properly.

That's what I'd try with her - make sure she's happy in her job/studies and if not she needs to change, and then make sure she has a good hearty breakfast first thing when she gets up.

I think that might stop the desire to start drinking first thing - I bet she isn't eating properly is she?

Probably getting drunk all day, then eating junk later on.

a reply to: Power_Semi

There's a handy dandy acronym folks use to stop drinking.

H.A.L.T.

Check if you're:

Hungry
Annoyed/Angry
Lonely
Tired

This acronym reminds us to take a moment (HALT) and ask ourselves if we are feeling Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. It seems simple enough, but when these basic needs are not met, we are susceptible to self-destructive behaviors including drinking.

originally posted by: corblimeyguvnor

originally posted by: YachiruKusajishi
a reply to: YayMayorBee

AA for you is a priority! They can help you and even give you guidance to help her. She may need to go to a treatment center to keep her alive! Remember you can't force her to change her ways she has to want it or it will be a disaster. Perhaps seek out a counselor who specializes in addiction for both of you. These people are there to help you. Please seek them out! Addiction is a big deal and very hard to handle by yourself.

AA? this being ATS and all I would just like to point out that AA (certainly in the UK) is based on religion ..............probably why it (1)NEVER worked for me, and (2) It wasn't my choice to go in the first place....... there are reasons why I drink, no one has thought to ask, let alone listen. All i ever hear and feel is aggression, shouting and opinionated speeches (which makes things worse TBQH). Pretty much glad she (my wife) does not work for the NTSB as the cause / reasons are pretty much formulated before the investigation (what investigation) begins

To the OP, Not condoning what she (your wife) has done or has become, emptying bottles etc is the last thing you should do along with your other described actions, how is that going to FIX things? although i do understand why you did / do these actions, just saying

Maybe things are different here is US, but no one is supposed to be shouting g at you! Also, AA has a therapy success rate of nearly 50%. Any psychologist would be the greatest one alive if they could claim that.

AA doesn't work if you can't be brutally honest with yourself.

Hey everyone, I wanted to give you all an update since I haven't been on here in awhile.

Things have not gotten much better and she actually spent most of the weekend in the hospital and we have yet again repeated ourselves. She was admitted for about 24 hours, given a stack of paperwork and a RX for Librium and sent on her way. I was a little short with the nurse asking if she had slit her wrists would they be letting her go. She said that is different and I still disagree.

Tomorrow morning she is seeing an addiction specialist and some family members are coming in to make sure she goes while I work. I spoke briefly to the doctor she will be seeing and they are going to try a medication called Antabuse which apparently when ingested with alcohol, makes the user extremely ill. Do you any of you have experience with this drug? There are mixed reviews online and rarely tried due to its risks. However, at this point, I don't see the risk because of how close she is to pushing it to the point of no return.

I am feeling optimistic about this treatment but i would be willing to try anything at this point.

a reply to: Tempter

No, it's not nearly 50%.

There is a large body of evidence now looking at AA success rate, and the success rate of AA is between 5 and 10 percent. Most people don't seem to know that because it's not widely publicized.

NPR

AA also takes credit for spontaneous recovery which happens to about 24% of alcoholics:

In a 2005 article in the journal Addiction, Deborah A. Dawson and her colleagues calculated a natural recovery rate for alcoholism of 24.4 percent -- that is, over the course of a year, 24.4 percent of the alcoholics studied simply wised up, got sick and tired of being sick and tired, and quit. Without treatment and without meetings.

Washington Post

I've probably absorbed more alcoholism and recovery related books and material than anyone else on ATS. It's practically spilling out of me.

The number ONE thing that gets someone to quit and sober up is themselves. If they want to, they will. If they don't -- no treatment under the sun will make them sober up. If they decide to sober up, any kind of treatment seems to work.

That's the problem -- most alcoholics don't want to sober up. Most alcoholics still have some kind of mental attachment to booze, see value in it, and long for it after they've quit.

In order for sobriety to last -- one MUST destroy their positive association with alcohol. There can be no sense of loss upon quitting, no sense of being deprived of something that holds value.

In addition that, the alcoholic must also find out the root causes of their sense of powerlessness they felt which caused them to reach for a bottle to gain back some kind of perceived control over their lives.

In the beginning, acknowledging the "addictive mind" inside of them as a separate and unique voice can help. Knowing that the voice telling and urging you to drink ISNT you can really help. Treating that "other voice" in your head as a terrorist (and we don't negotiate with terrorists, we kill them!) is what you have to do.

If alcohol is "ruthless" you have to be even more cut throat with that part of your mind that urges you to relapse. Then, find the triggers that make you have those episodes. Then, de-value alcohol. See past the myths of the benefits it provides and offers.

AA doesn't do any of that. AA just puts you in touch with other people who whine and complain about how hard it is to not drink. Quite frankly, from the various groups and people I met -- it actually made me WANT to drink more. It was depressing as hell.

sorry for your situation.

I believe there is a major supernatural/demonic aspect to "spirits", aka alcohol…

there are some mechanical means I might try (get her to eat better, raw honey to replace sugar craving, parasite cleanses--probably part of what is driving this)…

BUT really, when it comes to demons like alcohol, she needs hope: Jesus Christ.

Because you are married to her, you have rights over her in the spiritual laws, so I would start to exercise them daily, throughout the day: pray for her. Ask God in Jesus's name to help, to guide you how to deal with her, what to do, etc… if you really love her and want this to work out: fast on just water and pray as much as you can for 2-3 days…

fasting shows intent and sincerity and Jesus tells his disciples some demons don't come out without fasting…

she probably has some inherited demons and/or some kind of abuse in her childhood that opened up these doors…

I would suggest finding a good church, but that is difficult these days...

and AA is a start, BUT it is also a trap, imo… it helps but then maintains people in their "addiction"… this is better than what you have now but...

that is not God's plan for us, imo…

Sincerely turning to Jesus Christ is a far better long-term plan, imo…

MANY people who sincerely turn to Christ have overcome all manner of issues without being dependent on any group or organization.

OK. First off I just read the OP. Sounds to me like she hates what she's doing. Her work? 30ish can be hard. One reevaluates their lives at that time and maybe she thought she hasn't achieved what she had thought by this time. Maybe she doesn't think the same about you anymore. Could be. Sorry.

I agree with Intrepid. The 30's can be hard. You're no longer an optimistic 20-something feeling full of potential. In your 30's the reality of the world starts to sink in. People have kids. Homes. Careers. The daily grind starts to settle in. The weight and responsibility of adulthood suddenly hits you, and like Intrepid says -- you start to look back on your 20's and wonder if you've wasted them or not.

a reply to: YayMayorBee

Hmmm...If she knows she gets sick every time she takes that pill and drinks, she just won't take the pill. You mentioned another pill, but I don't know what that one is for. Hopefully that one and seeing the specialist will help. Keep us posted.

Myself and another close friend went through almost the exact situation you are in now, minus hospital visits. I hope to offer you some insights.

originally posted by: YayMayorBee

1. Number one and most important (I believe) is I have decided to completely give up alcohol myself. I do this for a few reasons.

I can tell you, this doesn't work. You are just denying yourself something that you would otherwise allow yourself because of your addict. It's going to make you less happy (unless you yourself are a problem drinker and need to stop).

2. For those who say "Run"- Sorry, I love my wife. We all have demons, including myself.

I believe by you staying you are making the problem much worse. If you give the choice to the addict between you and the bottle, and they choose the bottle, they don't love you. They are using you. They have no incentive to change. They have everything they want: a sucker to take care of them to support their lifestyle of endless imbibing. If the addict decides to have sex with a person while intoxicated, would you leave them then? Would you be okay with that behavior as well?

What if your addict decides to sell everything you own together, and run the credit cards up to the limit and drain the bank accounts? What if they decide to plug the bathtub and ruin your apartment with water damage causing 10's of thousand's of dollars? Would you leave them then? (this did not happen to me, just hypothetical)

You are being subjected to abuse. The addict's decisions are seriously emotionally abusing you. It's in the same league as people that violently yell at their spouse. It's unhealthy behavior, and it should not be tolerated.

3. ...I am pretty angry they have essentially let it become "my problem", but at the same time, I cannot blame them.

Pretty much the same situation I was in. They're happy you came in to pickup the pieces of their neglected addict. Someone will have to take care of this person, might as well be you.

4. I am continuing my silent treatment method.

This leads only to the permanent destruction of the relationship. The addict is offended that you are acting this way, and their behavior will only become more volatile with time. The addict will drink to spite you.

In my case, my addict talked very negatively about me towards friends. About how controlling I was, and how I made the addict feel so inferior. How I always put the addict down. Most people don't mind listening to this every once in a while, but after a while it tends to push their friends away. That's why they don't have a circle of regular friends to hang out with, because they've pushed them all away with their endless drama. Of course, if you ask the addict's few friends if the addict has a problem, they won't know. That's because your addict only sees them for happy hour or dinner, where it's normal to have drinks. So, in their eyes, the addict's behavior is totally normal because drinking is a normal social activity. What the friends don't witness is the continued/binge drinking that takes place when they're not around.

The mere fact that you are trying to help the addict makes you controlling in their eyes. And the fact that the addict can have a perfectly good time without you while hanging out with friends further makes you enemy number 1. Which leads to more destructive behavior, rinse, repeat.

The word for your addict is not 'alcoholic.' Alcoholics don't set out to get blackout drunk as quickly as possible. Alcoholics might drink heavily and often, might be physically addicted to alcohol, but this behavior is something else entirely. This kind of drinking more closely resembles what heroine addicts go through. The goal is not a little buzz or even to get drunk, but complete obliteration.

My addict had a history of anti-depressants. Must be one of those side effects that didn't fit on the side of the bottle with the 50 other ones.

I'm sure you left out a lot of details because they are just too embarrassing to share. There's really nothing you can do to help this person. There are no magic words, there's no magic reasoning. Family and friends won't be able to successfully intervene. Modifying your behavior (ie, not drinking yourself) is not going to help. Being super nice won't help, being super mean won't help, being super distant won't help. Threatening to leave won't help. Pouring out the bottles won't help.

In my case, professional therapy didn't help. Give it a try though. They'll prescribe some happy-pills, and your addict will take 3 or 4 instead of one, drink a half gallon of rum, and almost kill themselves falling into the bathtub like mine did. All the while, the therapist will reenforce the idea that you, indeed, are the problem in the addict's life, not the booze. My addict loved to drink and drive in highly populated urban areas, so I was less than polite about this behavior after the 50th time or so.

Anyway, this is the internet so I probably sound really ranty and hateful towards my addict, but truthfully I'm not. I'm really trying to just offer you some non-bs, non-bleeding-heart insight from someone who's been there. I never even heard of someone drinking in this way before I saw it myself. And I didn't want to leave my spouse either. I tried to fight the good fight for years and I lost. In hindsight, I should have left much sooner, but my moral compass pressured me into supporting the addict far too long.

a reply to: YayMayorBee
I'm sorry to hear things have gotten harder. This will be a long process sadly.

I do agree with Vimnotnano's comments above, but you love your wife and you're going to get this crappy education like the rest of us. Here goes:

I am familiar with antabuse it makes the user violently ill when alcohol is consumed. However no one can force the alcoholic to take antabuse so what often happens is the alcoholic will simply not take the pill and drink.

The drug of choice now that has a very high success rate is Naltrexone. Given as an injection it lasts for 30 days and slowly the desire to drink goes away an alcohol begins to taste very bad. Psychiatrists are recommending mixing this drug with an antidepressant such as Lexapro to fully combat alcoholism. Also in conjunction with cognitive behavioral therapy to change one's mind about alcohol.
www.drugs.com...

I know this is an internet forum but from one friend to another I have seen this medication work. Please talk to her doctor about this medication as it's gaining popularity now but is well documented in medical journals to have positive long-lasting outcomes. Stay strong good luck.

Edit: Naltrexone was developed to prevent opiate abuse however doctors tested it on alcoholics and it worked like a charm. Go figure. Do your own homework and talk to the doctor you'll see what I'm talking about.

originally posted by: YayMayorBee
Upper-middle class. I work 9-10 hours per day at an office and she stays home all day going to school and working from home.

Fast forward to Jan. 2016 everything changed literally overnight.

Wife started drinking and I mean DRINKING.

I feel this is a little different than a "typical" alcoholic. She drinks herself to the point of complete blackout. I honestly think she would drink herself to death but the alcohol puts her out before she dies. Since Jan. she has been to the hospital 6 times.One time, for 5 days. Her BAC at the hospital has been as high as .67

For the last three months, her day is (no joke) wake up, walk to liquor store, buy alcohol, down as much as possible as fast as possible, spend the next 20 hours in bed, and repeat.

First, are you really UpperMiddleClass ?? I was told that as a kid, and then came to find out that middle class is defined as able to not work for a year and have no change in standard of living. We we're most definitely WORKING class, lol.


Anyway though, what you're describing is not alcoholism. It's attempted suicide. I'm not joking. She doesn't need AA, she needs to be baker-acted and get serious help.

If you're still leaving this person alone during the day, you're just asking to come home to a dead girlfriend.

How does she pay for the booze? Personally I would get her family involved, or probably find out if it's something family related first.


But again, she has attempted suicide man. That's not alcoholism. Baker-act, and pay for her treatment if you're actually upper-MC and go see her twice a day to help her recovery.

originally posted by: visitedbythem
Find out what pain she is trying to subdue. Something is hurting her, and she cant handle the pain

Exactly.... I am going through the same thing, a little less severe maybe, but I went from once a month or less, to nearly every day, started in march....I was triggered by being forced to be in the same house as my abuser for 10 days..... I am just finally slowing down due to meeting someone super funny, but I was seriously out of control.....

originally posted by: YayMayorBee

1. An event happens that turns her to drinking again, perhaps even minor
2. Drinking cycle begins
3. Starts drinking to point where withdrawal symptoms begin
4. Goes to hospital multiple time for treatment (benzos)
5. Now withdrawal from both alcohol and benzos
6. Never ending cycle of alcohol>benzos>alcohol>benzos>alcohol
7. Now at the point where depression/brain chemistry is SO unwired, only drinking till blackout helps

I should have mentioned the benzos to begin with (the go to treatment for alcohol withdrawal are drugs like Ativan)

Has anyone ever had experience with "Antabuse"? I guess its a drug that makes you EXTREMELY sick when you ingest alcohol to curb consumption.

Hi,
Firstly, women are weak. Most of them have addictive personality. Rather body than spirit. Body seeks pleasure and runs away from pain. They are also a present basket full of emotions. Imagine various colors in one basket.

It is most likely your fault. I have such a friend. He is in fond with smoking pot and having all kinds of entertainment. However pot made him too psychic and impotent. Not really a grown man. Work is his escape because he is lazy to give her what she needs at least twice daily - SEX. She doesn't need this part of your body - your brain and smartass talks.
ATS and dog are your escape hobbies. I'm pretty sure about it bacause humans are simply very similar all around the globe. Be grateful she is not schizo. This is actually reversible and nothing major. She most likely drinks because she is not able to leave you to find love and joy again.

Now.
When trying to withdraw benzos Green tea is the best. Silly huh? I was too thinking that potent herbal GABA agonists are the way to go but no. No Gotu Kola, Brahmi, Valerian etc but L-theanine to teach the brain to produce more of its own GABA. Remember ethanol is messing with GABA and dopamine receptors too. What's her dopamine profile? Does she smoke tobacco? Let's find a way to rise her serotonin. Her brain needs to replace the drugs of choice and find out it has other receptors too. Tell me about your cannabis use. Tell me about mdma and other substances in her (your) history including stories.
What else? Have a wild thyme at hand. It causes nausea when used before (in a) drink.
St. John's Wort alters the activity of the cytochrome P450 and speeds up drug metabolism to a half. Useful in treating alcohol withdrawal symptoms. It should kinda deter the desire for alcohol. Use in moderation.
Ashwagandha is able to balance neurotransmitters. It's a good stuff. Research those and Calamus. Let her find some yoga, Tai chi or something to feed the spirit.
Maybe grow some San Pedro for microdosing and remember to share everything. Go enjoy one another in the nature while medicating together. You need better drugs, not no drugs and boring life.
Buy a little house in a totaly remote area. Leave her with some good drugs, wild thyme wine and no car for a few weeks. Then go and share everything for a week. Then a week alone and a week with you. No dog. Just all kinds of sex, sweetmeats + evening protein shake (serotonin),B-vitamines...

Print and read this post at work. This is the way. Others like to talk - like you.
Eventually find a way how to set her free.

a reply to: YayMayorBee

Any update over the past couple weeks? Curious over here.