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I am Deeply and Profoundly Unhappy

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posted on Mar, 29 2016 @ 05:45 PM
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Don't welcome me to the club, I hate this club.

I live in despair and torment myself at every turn. I have come to think that I must be cursed to a Hell of agony and desperation, I am despondent and disheartened, wretched even.

I don't expect anyone to care. No one has actually so far, why would they now? I'd think it was fake, a mask, just something they say to feel better about themselves. I would doubt it's sincerity...

I don't know what it's like to get sympathy. Everyone must think I'm above it, though around me I do see a lot of sympathy, and I usually offer it to others. Well, not so much anymore, I'm shutting down.

I've always been "Alive" my whole life, full of zeal and energy and excitement. It's dying, slowly but surely. I held on as long as I could, but my Life Force is slipping away. I guess my "Spirit" is dying. I'm "Losing my Soul". My Heart has been broken so severely, so relentlessly, by ruthless individuals that I Trusted in and cared about...

Sigh. Why does it even matter anymore?
I could express a thousand distinct and valid reasons why I'm passionately miserable.

Last week I was hospitalized with the onset of meningitis, but I am beating it without any help. I can't afford help. And that's just the last few days of my pointless destitution. My left foot is severely injured, yet I walk on it anyway. My bones ache from sleeping on concrete every day and night.

I know I know, everyone's got it worse than I do. I understand that. I don't want anyone's sympathy. I don't want help. I don't want anyone to care. Why would I?

I know no one understands.
Go ahead, be mean spirited and insult me while I'm weak and deteriorating. That's how most of you are. That's one small recourse I have, is to know how pathetic most others are.
One thing I do have left is my Dignity, and no one can ever strip me of what little I retain. It's worth a lot to me.
None of you know what I'm going through so don't bother judging. You'd be wrong and I don't feel like arguing.

The only thing that will fix me is a miracle. God itself needs to stop this abuse and just be nice for once. Too much to ask, I know.

Why did I post this? No reason. Just because I felt like crying in public to prove a point to myself.

I could have posted my 100 thread ideas I've been saving for years now, but why bother? It takes a lot of investment and effort and no one would care or appreciate it anyway.




posted on Mar, 29 2016 @ 05:53 PM
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The only thing I really want is
1) to see my children again.
2) an intelligent, kind Hearted, beautiful, artistic Woman to basically pluck me from my loneliness and go on a wild romantic adventure with around the world.

So we can express our passions productively and try to live that fantasy. Something like that.

Don't get me wrong, I don't ever expect to find her anymore. I'm so traumatized at this point I doubt I could have any fun for awhile anyway.

I need Healing desperately. I'm completely damaged. I don't see it ever happening.

This is me, everyday now.



posted on Mar, 29 2016 @ 06:00 PM
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originally posted by: muzzleflash
The only thing I really want is
1) to see my children again.
2) an intelligent, kind Hearted, beautiful, artistic Woman to basically pluck me from my loneliness and go on a wild romantic adventure with around the world.

So we can express our passions productively and try to live that fantasy. Something like that.

Don't get me wrong, I don't ever expect to find her anymore. I'm so traumatized at this point I doubt I could have any fun for awhile anyway.

I need Healing desperately. I'm completely damaged. I don't see it ever happening.

This is me, everyday now.


I completely understand how awful it feels to be separated from your children.

As far as your number 2 you cannot expect someone to save you. You need to make yourself amazing and have someone want to share in your passion and success.

I wish you luck.



posted on Mar, 29 2016 @ 06:02 PM
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a reply to: muzzleflash

God speed getting a miracle muzz.

Maybe you need to find some kind of religion to suit yourself.
Dwelling on your woes will not help, nor will sympathy. It sounds like you need to dust youself off and
get on with life, a life that you choose for yourself.
I mentioned religion as you suggested a miracle is what is needed. You will find people who do care and will help
get you through dark times, maybe even moments of joy and hope.

There are still good people in this world. You need to seek them out.

Advice is cheap, but most who offer it here have good intent.

Chin up mate, now get out there and find what you need.

All the very best ...



posted on Mar, 29 2016 @ 06:09 PM
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When I read how harsh things are going for you, there was absolutely no thought in my mind that oh, well people have it harder than you... I have stress in my life and have hard times, but you seem to have it harder than me and all I can suggest is, try to change your thoughts... there is a light at the end of the tunnel, strive to get off of sleeping on concrete firstly. That is no good and people all over the world might be sleeping on rocks, but I slept on the floor for years and when I moved up to a cot with a softer mattress, it made a world of difference.
Little things one at a time, until you can feel happier about things. Just set little goals to improve your situation one thing at a time.
I wish you all the best and a happy outlook for the future.
Be well and take care of yourself.



posted on Mar, 29 2016 @ 06:28 PM
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My best advice to you would be to exhort yourself to Run, run until your lungs burst... when you get your breath back, stand up and push yourself once more until your head rings!

Go home, and rest.



posted on Mar, 29 2016 @ 06:36 PM
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originally posted by: Metallicus

As far as your number 2 you cannot expect someone to save you. You need to make yourself amazing and have someone want to share in your passion and success.

I wish you luck.


You're insulting me.
I've always been amazing. I get more amazing every day. I'm phenomenal.

You're speaking from ignorance on this.
I didn't ask for anyone to save me. I always save me. I don't need anyone's help.

I am already a success and will be a bigger one soon, but I don't want some groupie giving me lip service.

I want a real, independent, strong, intelligent woman that I can have conversations with. And she can play with my long golden beautiful hair.

I want her to be her own success so we'll understand each other's issues.

Thanks for the luck though, it worked in two minutes. A guy I know randomly appeared and gave me the ride I needed to skip walking 6 more miles today.



posted on Mar, 29 2016 @ 06:39 PM
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a reply to: muzzleflash

Help someone else.

Lift them up. Bring them happiness and joy.

edit on 29/3/2016 by chr0naut because: (no reason given)



posted on Mar, 29 2016 @ 06:53 PM
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a reply to: muzzleflash
dont drink and post.



posted on Mar, 29 2016 @ 06:55 PM
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originally posted by: Timely

God speed getting a miracle muzz.

Maybe you need to find some kind of religion to suit yourself.
Dwelling on your woes will not help, nor will sympathy. It sounds like you need to dust youself off and
get on with life, a life that you choose for yourself.
I mentioned religion as you suggested a miracle is what is needed. You will find people who do care and will help
get you through dark times, maybe even moments of joy and hope.



I don't want "Religion" per se, I have me. And God guides me and protects me. It just so happens God is actually a jealous vengeful angry and abusive Universal entity more often than not.

Dwelling on my woes is the Only thing helping me. It has motivated me to create significant gains in the last few months. I got on national Tv and got the Governor to veto a bill just last month, and a bunch of other stuff. And that is just the begining.

I just gotta survive a few more months to find out my De$tiny.

Everything's increasingly paradoxical as it progresses. It's hard to understand.



posted on Mar, 29 2016 @ 07:01 PM
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originally posted by: chr0naut
a reply to: muzzleflash

Help someone else.

Lift them up. Bring them happiness and joy.


I am on the verge of getting a specific law ruled as Unconstitutional which will affect more than a million cases nationwide.

That should do the trick.

Though I lament helping criminals, my motive is actually that I was born to fight the Gov and win. It's perhaps my greatest natural talent.



posted on Mar, 29 2016 @ 07:02 PM
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originally posted by: Rikku
a reply to: muzzleflash
dont drink and post.



I don't.

That is good advice though.



posted on Mar, 29 2016 @ 07:38 PM
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Oh yeah and I outwitted the Supreme Court and figured out several ways to limit their power. That's two separate things completely. It's unrelated to the Unconstitutional law issue as well.

I could teach yall things about Law... glorious things. Stuff you heard but ignored. Hidden things too. My last year has been this, my own lil war.

But all this wasn't what I wanted. I hate researching laws. I hate that there's a tyranny of corrupt Gov't.

I just want to hold my kids mostly. It will always depress me unfathomably.
And a really pretty gf. That one might work out.

I messed up and shouldn't have posted. This was suppose to all come out later like in 9 months. Doh.

But now you know a lil bit about what the Flash aka Ghost Writa does in his despairing unhappiness. He kicks @$$



posted on Mar, 29 2016 @ 07:41 PM
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a reply to: muzzleflash

Friend? There is nothing wrong with you. You are human. And to be human means to experience from life, emotions, experiences, falls and highs. This is how we learn.

You speak of a miracle? You are a miracle in yourself. You can do anything you want. Sometimes its hard to live with oneself being unhappy. But I assure you there are many multi-millionaires who have everything and are desperately depressed. For after money and everything you want...whats left?

You....are left. A doctor told me many years ago that it takes a very smart and intelligent person to say they are depressed. Why?

Because the world is FULL of wackos shaking their heads and denying "No! Theres NOTHING wrong with ME! I'm perfectly alright!"

Day by day my friend. LIfe is for living. Find a tiny, little bit of each day and try to see the beauty of it. And you and I and everyone else...is part of it all.

Peace, love and light...always to you.

Best

MS



posted on Mar, 29 2016 @ 07:53 PM
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a reply to: mysterioustranger

You're right.

Unhappiness is part of Life.
And it sucks.

Crying helps. But we need miracles.

Im going to start a foundation for paraplegic and burn victim children so I can ensure my success goes to the right place. And Im gonna give em all big hugs and remind them how beautiful they are.



posted on Mar, 29 2016 @ 08:17 PM
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a reply to: muzzleflash

How great! Wonderful! I volunteer and work with the disabled, my wife with a different org and developmentally disabled adults.

No one asks us to do it, and we dont have to. But we are rewarded a thousandfold for it...if not in this lifetime...in the next.

You are important. You have purpose. Your life has meaning. And you can find that in service to others.

Truth be known? Im not too happy these days myself, feeling older, a bit less healthy...but I live by a simple philosophy.

1. I try to help one person in some small way everyday.
2. I try to learn one new small thing each day as well.
3. I try to not be so hard on myself when I make a mistake....which I will Im sure.

I think you are much stronger than you know...except? I think you DO know you are!



Best to you.....contact me anytime .....Peace.

MS



posted on Mar, 29 2016 @ 08:49 PM
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a reply to: muzzleflash

Embrace your pain and value it. When you have the perspective that comes with hindsight you'll understand why you had to go through it and be grateful for it. The more agonising it is, the more drastic your metamorphosis will be when you finally become the person you're on the path to becoming.
I have no doubt if you stick it out you'll amaze yourself.

Peace!



posted on Mar, 29 2016 @ 09:26 PM
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a reply to: muzzleflash


I don't expect anyone to care. No one has actually so far, why would they now? I'd think it was fake, a mask, just something they say to feel better about themselves. I would doubt it's sincerity...



Ah, but some people really do care. There are no masks, no saying things to feel better about ourselves, just genuine compassion and caring from some of your ATS family. You are overwhelmed right now and hurting and have been through a lot. Sometimes a person goes through too much for too long and starts losing faith that things will ever get any better. Take one day at a time and do what you can to improve your situation if you can. Know that you are never truly alone and many have walked the path that you have. It isn't much consolation, but you might not feel so alone in it all.


I wish you the strength and courage to see your way your through. I wish you some semblance of peace through the chaos, light in the darkness and much love.



posted on Mar, 29 2016 @ 10:01 PM
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Hope things get better for you soon, OP.

I just wrote a bunch of stuff twice but thought I was being too full of myself, and possibly just taking advantage of your thread to release some of my own steam. But alas, I just deleted like 6 paragraphs. And I'll leave it at this.

I'm sorry!



posted on Mar, 29 2016 @ 10:19 PM
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Cheer up.




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