Being alone is better than being vulnerable.

a reply to: IvyNeptune

I think maybe our brains are just wired that way. I know animals miss each other once they've become accustomed to the company of one another. But I don't think they don't sit their all day pining over it like we do.

Perhaps it's just an affect of our complex psyche, combined with some sort of biological imperative? Maybe we just want to be loved damnit.

a reply to: reldra

hhaha yay pale twins

well shes pretty so thats a compliment

originally posted by: IvyNeptune
I am positive that I have come to the conclusion that being alone is better than letting anyone in to the point where you feel vulnerable, and subsequently get hurt.

The hurt you feel is never worth the happiness that person might bring you.

I have walls up for a serious reason, and every single time I have let them down the person either #s you over or leaves.

people might say 'oh you haven't met the right person'
no everyone is the same.

Im getting 12 cats and dying alone.

Being on ones own is the not the end of the world but at the same its not a whole lot of fun either - learned from experience.

Suggest that you keep looking, perhaps the fault is not all one sided. keep an eye out for feedback which you will certainly get.

spend time going over the feed back that former partners have given you, not in time of fire and hate but given you in much quieter times.

Do the same with friends, acquaintances, work colleague etc.

Make sure you pay just as much attention to the good and positive things that were said to you as you pay to the negatives things.

Recognise that neither you nor your former partners are perfect. We are all works-in-progress otherwise we would not be here.

Pay far less attention to the story and pay more attention to the script when watching TV or the movies and pay close attention to conflicts between people, much can be learned from this source. The script writers are actually very good at what they do.

Take another risk, take another chance, life is meant to be lived but take time out, learn who your are, define for your self what there is about that you CAN change and what you WONT or wont change and search deeply for the reasons why.

hope this helps.

a reply to: Konduit

Yes Im sure experience is just making me jaded.

But sometimes I try to compare the pain from being lonely, and the pain from someone hurting you when you care from them.
pretty sure being lonely hurts less.

a reply to: IvyNeptune

Unfortunately, the amount of hurt a person can experience in loneliness is a matter of how long that loneliness lasts. It gets worse the longer it goes on. Tis a creeping agony.

Be cautious and selective, but don't cut yourself off from the happiness and fulfilment that a healthy relationship might bring you. Trust should be built up slowly and wisely.

originally posted by: IvyNeptune


Yes Im sure experience is just making me jaded.

But sometimes I try to compare the pain from being lonely, and the pain from someone hurting you when you care from them
pretty sure being lonely hurts less.

Being alone isn't the same as being lonely...

Being alone can give you the opportunity to do all the things that you have shelved

due to compromises made when you are with someone.


There are many people who compromise, and stay in relationships long past the

time when the relationship has stopped working for the good of both of them,

because society gives them the feeling that there is something wrong with them

if they are unable to keep it together!!


When you are *happily alone* it is not so easy to get into a relationship because *it

is easier and more socially acceptable to be in one*


Time for you to tick off things on your 'bucket list'??

originally posted by: IvyNeptune

The fact that you're getting those cats means you're not completely sure about the "being alone is better" part.

You're just substituting for something less risky.

a reply to: mOjOm

hahahaha so true

cats make you work for their affection though to be fair.... so while less risky.... still involves effort like a real relationship

a reply to: IvyNeptune

Cats, generally speaking, love me automatically. They come up to me in the street, and purr while figure eights are described by their feet as they wander around my legs. If I hang out some place where there are cats in the house, normally speaking I end up with a lap full of cat in seconds.

Relationships are much more complicated.

a reply to: TrueBrit

Every one of your replies has taken the words right out of my mouth. Loneliness can leave the soul utterly depredated, the longer it persists. That being said I still want to share my two cents haha.

a reply to: IvyNeptune

Isn't that how it always is? The bad times always outweigh the good times, in our minds. This idea extends far beyond just relationships. I remember far more negative times in my childhood than I do positive ones. That's not to say I had more bad than good, but simply to illustrate that we tend to focus more on the "bad". I'm going to remember getting a scar on my leg more vividly than a smile from a cute girl. Experience has taught me that negativity scars...while pleasant moments pass us by almost unnoticed.

You're right it hurts to feel betrayed. I think I would know considering I've been in a relationship where I was manipulated into nothing more than an illusion of love. I was one of those people that though: "Oh that could never happen to me, I'm a really good judge of character". In hindsight, of course I saw the signs, but...by then it's too late. From that experience, I no longer let anyone have that power over me. I won't ache or pine over someone who isn't worth my time. It's easier said then done, but I'm living proof that it's possible to shrug off a serious relationship. The key is to understand that everything about that person was against you, that everything they told you was an untruth. Once you believe that, it's incredibly easy to walk away (mentally, emotionally, physically) - the hard part is convincing your heart.

Every relationship we endeavor in, is a risk. No matter what, you're risking something. I'm a firm believer that there is no reward without risk and therefore I still hold out hope. I hope you can too. Take it from someone who's been best friends with loneliness for a while now...misery loves company.

a reply to: TrueBrit

haha. The cat whisperer

a reply to: Aedaeum

I have a really hard time letting people in in the first place because Im so afraid of them hurting me. Its difficult.

Then once I let someone in, I often spend half the time freaking out about the fact that I have let them in and how vulnerable I feel. Also trying my best not to self sabotage just because I have this internal anxiety about it.

I sound like a crazy person.

a reply to: IvyNeptune

Nah, you sound like a typical girl

I feel like that's fairly natural if you've been hurt. That's not to say it's a good response to have, but I believe it's inevitable. The more positive experiences you have with relationships, serious or not, the easier it will become.

Just give it time, don't you know time heals all wounds?

originally posted by: IvyNeptune
I am positive that I have come to the conclusion that being alone is better than letting anyone in to the point where you feel vulnerable, and subsequently get hurt.

The hurt you feel is never worth the happiness that person might bring you.

I have walls up for a serious reason, and every single time I have let them down the person either #s you over or leaves.

people might say 'oh you havent met the right person'
no everyone is the same.

Im getting 12 cats and dying alone.

Being alone to one person is not the same as being alone to another person is. Levels of lonliness vary between couples while in a relationship. What seems to be common with couples who live together is one feels very alone but the other does not, or feels it minimally. The one who feels alone is the one who grew dependent on the other one filling up their personal time. Meaning their time when they are not working. Most people have to work to generate a steady income, so their time is filled when they work. Personal time can also be filled with work such as being involved in art, music, writing and sports. (Noted as such due to these being actual dream jobs for a few but limited to a hobby for most.) Most couples do not bring the other to work with them, so it is acceptable time spent away from each other. Some couples involve each other in their areas of interest pursued after their 9-5 job. They share writing ideas with each other, play instruments together, sports together and so on. But, sometimes they don't include each other and it is viewed as acceptable time away from each other.

To understand where I'm coming from, I'll cover what time spent together as a couple usually consists of and why a dependency can form in one of them that has a huge potential to making them feel alone.

The time spent together as couples, outside of work and "hobbies" usually consists of conversation and a mutually enjoyable silence while being engaged in the usual activities of a household and the typical resting and intimate activities within a household, as well as being together as a couple on social outings and private outings. Social outings would be things like hanging out as a couple with his friends or her friends. Private outings would be going out to eat or running errands together.

That said, the length of time two people engage in these activities together as well as intensity is also factored in. For instance, if in the very beginning of a relationship it was intense and private time spent with each other was made to make time for each other based on their desire to be around each other and it fizzles out, and if it was for a prolonged period of time, its going to have an effect on the people involved. One effect is going to be attempting to relace the 'intensity' in the person's private time and the other is dealing with the 'habit' that developed having got used to a pattern of life that involved one special/intimate person being in it.

One partner may not involve the other partner in much of their private time because of different intetests but they still make time to be with them bssed on their own free will because they enjoy being with them. So the time spent may be on a weekend or just an hour every other night. If the other partner never had hobbies before they met the person or had to sacrifice hobbies due to a baby being born or some other life changing event like sickness or jobloss, that one hour or weekend isn't going to fill them to keep them busy and moving. This is when the other partner reveals themselves as being a compassionate person or just a taker who's concern is only for themselves. Unfortunately, there are too many people who use people soley for their own enjoyment. A compassionate partner will begin the process of filling up the other person's time by redeveloping their interest in a hobby or getting them involved in one of their's or spending more quality time with them. But with compassion for an intimate partner, there needs to be leadership and maturity. Feeling bad for them isn't going to be enough. Listening to them will not be enough. Proactive change needs to happen. That requires someone to take the lead and be genuine and good hearted in their intentions. That requires being able to hear what is really being said and not being superficial stuck on their tone of voice or stuck on a negative incident that happened in the past. Compassion is also about helping people over come issues that are holding them back from living full lives so they are not clingy or dependant, with full lives that don't just consume and take, but give or share. Many times partners are not receptive to compassion because they built up a wall and are afraid of it because they mistakenly believe it will take something of value from them, placing value in the wall they built with negative experiences.

If being outcasted in a relationship hurts then by no means remain in what hurts. This is why you involve yourself in activities and get rid of the walls that will prevent you from having another relationship. Every failed relationship paves a way for a greater relationship if you learn from it, forgive it and allow your spirit to be developed in a loving way provided by God, who is love. The Universe gives back what you are open to, if your journey is to find love, look you will find it. You see a couple holding hands, let it make you happy, not sad. Be glad when you see expressions of love around you. Do not hide from it or get angry or resentful about it. It is up to you to participate in the expression of it. If you do that you will never be alone because love is never alone. When two or more gather in the expression of love, God, who is love, hears and miracles happen.

a reply to: IvyNeptune

Hi Ivy,

You have gotten some good advice from some of ATS's finest. All I can say is, I hope that things will get better for you.


In the mean time, if you do go with your plan, you might just enjoy this thread.

Enjoy!
www.abovetopsecret.com...

a reply to: IvyNeptune

Hehe!

I love kitty cats! I may be a thrash mad metal freak, but I love cute, fluffy animals as well!

originally posted by: IvyNeptune
Im getting 12 cats and dying alone.

Let the haters hate, I'm going to get you the most awesomest house warming gift...

originally posted by: TrueBrit
Cats, generally speaking, love me automatically.

True Brit the real deal P-magnet.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

I know!

The irony is not lost on me in the slightest.