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Even in death, the jabs keep coming

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posted on Jan, 19 2016 @ 09:33 PM
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I feel for all of you. Good to hear that the grandmother is being supportive.
Your husband can only control his behavior. What others do is beyond his control and only reflects on the one showing his/her immaturity.
Give him lots of hugs and love. He's the better man here and is showing his children how to handle adversity. It is so sad that he's forced to do this but I've seen it in my own extended family. Hopefully, the grandmother can keep order.
When I hear of these situations I have to wonder---how do you carry a grudge for so very long? And why carry a grudge against someone who's never done anything to hurt you? This brother is carrying a heavy one it seems. Against someone who did nothing other than remove a source of pain from his life.
Sending good thoughts your way.




posted on Jan, 19 2016 @ 10:14 PM
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There's a lot of angst with the Wife and it's very easy to not hold the Father accountable for his lack of action. Had your husband's father wanted things to be different they would have been.

Letting this slide is a mistake.

I know from experience about nasty blended families ( lack of better descriptor) and despite how horrid my husbands family was to him, at his funeral I smiled because it would be their last BS hurrah of stupidity. They acted the fool while he was alive but that day would be their last. And it was.

To ignore your husbands's fathers part in this will delay any healing your husband can come by. In the grand scheme of life what his Father's other family does is irrelevant. How your husband acts is what counts. It's his decision if he wants to go or not but either way HE needs to walk this out his own way.

Remove the emotion from this and what's left?
What's left is all he has to deal with.

Calling ahead to the funeral director aprising him of the animosity will go a long way to curtailing shenanigans. I spoke with the one I used and he had spotters placed to avert any unpleasantness, which was a task they preformed so well I didn't know till much later who had been removed and hustled off with police as back-up. Apparently they were asked to leave the premises or go for a "ride" in a police car. For once there was no family fighting, no out of line behavior and it was a dignified service with no drama.

The Funeral Director has seen everything under the sun and this sort of thing is very commonplace, as he explained it to me.

Hope this helps?



posted on Jan, 19 2016 @ 11:25 PM
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a reply to: Caver78

that is a great piece of advice that none of us had thought to post yet...glad you shared your experience here...



posted on Jan, 19 2016 @ 11:46 PM
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a reply to: Caver78

I've read and reread your post at least a half dozen times. It is good advice and I am very grateful that you shared it with me.

DH knows that his father is and was a failure as a father. I know he has a lot of hurt and animosity towards his stepmonster. But until today, he never really had any bad feelings or anger towards his brother. I think discovering his brother was also behind the obituary nonsense was too much to bear when his emotions are already in mixed turmoil.

I hope he finds whatever peace and closure he needs to move forward. I happened to come across a post earlier this evening which said "whatever is stressing you today won't matter a year from now. Don't sweat the small stuff."

Of course there is a lot of truth to that simple statement. Life lessons are usually learned through grief and difficult times. But it never rains forever.... I'm confident that he will gain whatever perspective he needs to put this past him and come to peace with it.



posted on Jan, 20 2016 @ 12:26 AM
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a reply to: CIAGypsy

Wow......I feel for him. I'd almost be tempted to show anyway, and be sure to announce to all there who I was, in his case. The rest could then try and explain why they didn't mention him at all. Overall, though, best to skip it. Nothing to be done for it now, anyway. Sometimes, family can be a real burden. Know how that goes. Give him hugs, and tell him not to sweat it. Hard, with a parent being that way (I KNOW), but his worth isn't dependent on that. People do tend to get what they dish out eventually, anyway.



posted on Jan, 20 2016 @ 01:25 AM
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All of the positive advice is great here.
In my opinion, DH should maybe consider going (sans kids, but with your support if possible) if only to mend and find some sort of closure through the process of doing so.

He should also consider writing a frank letter to his stepbrother setting him straight about what occurred and how it seemed from his perspective. He may not care what he thinks and the stepbrother may feel equally apathetic. Yet, that way he's done it and the stepbrother, for one, knows where he's coming from.

One thing that nags at me is that there is a chance that part of the reason the family is excluding him is related to control of the estate(whatever that may be or not). If there is something of value that hasn't been outright designated to others, he has a right to contest a portion of it. They might be trying to keep him away from knowing what's up. Hate to say that, but things get ugly amongst family when it comes to this stuff.
edit on 20-1-2016 by gottaknow because: incorrect sentence structure.



posted on Jan, 20 2016 @ 02:37 AM
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a reply to: CIAGypsy

Sounds like your husband has a case of what I like to call the bad jacket. Let's say that life is a little like a series of first impressions. Let's also say that we wear our experience like a jacket. You cannot always tell the make, but you know from the cut of the cloth and the way it hangs on the body, whether it is the right one for you, and so does anyone looking your way.

Family can often provide the first jacket we wear in our lives, and some people are really lucky, in that they never need to even make an alteration to that jacket, in order for it too look right on them. Others need to get the thing taken in a little around the middle, or get it mended once in a while after a trauma. However, when your jacket is just a piece of crap, you know what you do? You throw it out, and you get a new jacket. If you have fancy skills, you can even make your own.

My jacket, well I had to chuck most of mine, but instead of getting rid of all of it, I excised the parts which did not do it for me, and stitched something else in their place. My father is a total waste of flesh. The last time I saw him, I told him plainly, that if I ever saw him again, I would kill him.

I do not wear that moment in my life as part of my jacket. I wear the things I do that make me joyful, because Lord knows there is enough to be getting upset about, without giving oxygen thieves the benefit of our attention. When he dies, I know that the only reason I would want to go to his funeral, is to urinate on his headstone and curse his rotting corpse. Hell, that would be doing the man too much honour.

Your husband needs to throw his jacket out, get a fresh one that says something about the good things in his life.



posted on Jan, 20 2016 @ 05:12 AM
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a reply to: CIAGypsy

Fortunately you don't live close to them, I also had to have friends & family take turns house sitting so I could go to my own husbands funeral. Yes, his family would have gone thru my house. Sad to say.

I do agree with other posters that if your husband is so inclined doing an obituary in your town's paper is not out of line. Plus having one that is loving and fair goes a long way towards what your children & grandchildren will see when they are adults. Believe me when I say the difference between what the Brother has written versus what your husband does will be apparent. I sympathize with the lack of control your husband feels. It makes the grief harder.

I focused solely on the fact this was the last time I ever had to deal with my husbands gruesome family.
Freedom!!! Despite my devastation it brought me some relief.

It was many months and altho I had given his will to a lawyer to handle before I fully read it. That's when it hit me.
Right on the first page he'd written " If my family gets nothing it was intentional".
He'd finally stood up for himself in plain terms. To this day I smile.
He'd taken care to stand up for himself and me.

Like your situation his sister had done an obituary and I was not mentioned in it despite us being married for 30 years.
At first I was livid but then I thought.....hey! Her crappy behavior just saved me from identity theft and maybe a break-in. Two years later I corrected his obituary for the grandkids. History is written by the victors after all.....smile!
His family did their worst and in the end did not prevail.

I also rather selfishly take comfort in the fact they were nasty human beings while he was alive and have apparently not changed, they will be what they are till they die. Sucks to be them, it's a life sentence. Kind of sad when I give it any thought, which isn't often.

I'm pulling for you both....what to do will come to you and you'll find peace whatever you both decide.
NONE of this is easy, but you have a couple of kids looking to you, and they will forever remember how you both decide to handle all this.
That's the real legacy.






edit on 20-1-2016 by Caver78 because: (no reason given)



posted on Jan, 20 2016 @ 09:08 AM
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Well he has decided to take our children and go to the funeral. His extended family is really stepping up and being supportive. His uncles, grandmother, and cousins are all behind him and encouraging him to stand his ground. He has more right than anyone else to be there.

The visitation is on Thursday from 4 pm to 8 pm. He says he is going to go really late, near the end. He is hoping no one will be around, in case his brother or stepmonster wants to create a scene. Our kids will be there too for support. They are old enough to be supportive and not terribly frightened if there are angry words exchanged.



posted on Jan, 20 2016 @ 10:47 AM
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My husband didn't go to his dad's funeral, he opted to take our kids to a museum to replicate the better memories of time spent with his dad instead. I never met his dad, but I'm told they an incredibly strained, bad relationship, so whatever floats the mourning boats. Besides, like my hubby said, "People might take offense that I didn't attend the funeral, but so what, it's not like he's ever going anywhere, I can visit whenever." They didn't bother with an obit for him, so I can't offer any differing takes on that.

Might I be so bold as to suggest your husband mourn on his own time, away from the other family? I.E skip the funeral & acknowledgement fluff, and have his private moments with dad's headstone/memorial plaque (assuming there is one) later when he can be more at ease? Like my hubby said, if he's buried there, it's not like he's going anywhere. You don't need the funeral & wake to say goodbye.



posted on Jan, 20 2016 @ 12:50 PM
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a reply to: Nyiah

I left it up to him to decide how he wanted to do it... He is a funeral director/embalmer by trade so he knows his options pretty well. Even though we now live several states away, he knows the funeral home who is handling the service very well and they know him. His father was also extremely well known in the community. He could have easily had a private moment alone before his brother/stepmonster arrived. He also could have just decided to visit the internment site. But he decided (with the support of extended family) that he will attend the regular visitation and funeral as he has nothing to be ashamed of and its his right. If his brother/stepmonster shows their rear end, well...that's on them and reflects only on them.

I'm nervous for him, but just because I'm an over-protective tigress about defending my family and I can't be there this time around.



posted on Jan, 20 2016 @ 01:11 PM
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a reply to: TrueBrit

Thank you for this perspective... I understand where you are coming from. I won't get into details about my family, but let's just say that money, power, and pride can wreak all kinds of chaos and misery. The difference for me is that I grew up not trusting family, but being tied to them irrevocably. I have a strong family loyalty, but I simply do not rely on them for anything. Ever. Including love, approval, or acceptance.

DH comes from a different cloth. His mother's family is incredibly close, loving, loyal, etc... This was the impression made upon him and, right or wrong, underlies his comparison between the treatment of his father and mother. His dad was NOT a nice person...he was an abusive drunk who did terrible things to everyone around him. As he got older, I think he started to regret a lot of his past behaviors, but couldn't seem to overcome his pride or laziness to make amends to those he wronged. As a result, his firstborn son (DH) refused to come see him or reach out to him. DH wanted his father to make the effort. He never did and now he's gone. DH posted a very moving post on Facebook last night discussing his regrets in not sitting down with his father and getting all the hurt and anger out. Who knows...maybe it would have made a difference in their relationship. Maybe not. And while the answer to that question will never be known, DH has to find a way to come to peace with that relationship. This is what he thinks he needs to do for that to happen... So attending this funeral is more important to him than showing up his brother/stepmonster. It is his effort at closure, plain and simple.



posted on Jan, 21 2016 @ 07:40 PM
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originally posted by: diggindirt
I feel for all of you. Good to hear that the grandmother is being supportive.
Your husband can only control his behavior. What others do is beyond his control and only reflects on the one showing his/her immaturity.
Give him lots of hugs and love. He's the better man here and is showing his children how to handle adversity. It is so sad that he's forced to do this but I've seen it in my own extended family. Hopefully, the grandmother can keep order.
When I hear of these situations I have to wonder---how do you carry a grudge for so very long? And why carry a grudge against someone who's never done anything to hurt you? This brother is carrying a heavy one it seems. Against someone who did nothing other than remove a source of pain from his life.
Sending good thoughts your way.


the actresses (and sisters) joan fontaine and olivia dehavland were on the outs and didn't speak for something like 50 years , Joan passed and it was reported that Olivia regretted not making up before her sister joan passed away



posted on Jan, 21 2016 @ 09:13 PM
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Well tonight was a bucket full of surprises!!!!

DH showed up to the visitation. His brother was standing outside by the door. He said that as he walked up, his brother was really standoffish....so what did he do? He went up to him and, without saying a word, hugged him. Apparently that's all it took....from that moment forward, his brother backed down.

He said his stepmonster was really nasty and angry at first, but eventually conceded that his dad could have made some effort (any effort) to fix the gulf between them but "that damn stubborn pride got in the way. Must be the genes..."


He said she eventually came around too and was cordial. I qualify this as a miracle...

The biggest issue of the night was one of DH's uncles. DH has 3 uncles...this one happens to be the baby of the family. Apparently he was quite belligerent and nasty; telling DH that he had no right to show up to the funeral since he couldn't be bothered to see or speak to his dad in so many years. And (get this....) that he did such a low-handed thing like move 5 states away. (Wtf, really????)

Apparently the rest of the family found a lot of amusement in his uncle's shenanigans. They all called him out for being a HUGE hypocrite and everyone (including DH's brother and stepmonster) told him to simply ignore the uncle. DH wasn't pleased and really wanted to beat his @$$ but maintained his composure and refused to be baited into an argument that is really none of his uncle's business.

All in all, I'm quite proud of DH with the way he handled this adversity, given all the emotions, regrets, animosity, and agendas from so many different directions. So far he has handled it all with class and dignity...setting a great example for our kids who have witnessed the entire drama.
edit on 21-1-2016 by CIAGypsy because: (no reason given)



posted on Jan, 21 2016 @ 09:42 PM
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a reply to: CIAGypsy
Hooray! I'm glad he found some peace and was able to show your children how to be an adult. But then, you knew he would do the right thing, didn't ya? After all, the guy was smart enough to marry you!



posted on Jan, 24 2016 @ 12:21 AM
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a reply to: CIAGypsy

Wow! Impressive! So glad things turned out well for him.




posted on Jan, 24 2016 @ 04:29 PM
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a reply to: Night Star

yeah! glad I came back to follow up...glad for you, ciagypsy ,and your husband and kids too......



posted on Jan, 24 2016 @ 05:22 PM
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Thank you to everyone who has followed my family drama.... The funeral went well without a hitch. Everyone finally got back home yesterday. My husband seems to think that his uncle was really the one behind the whole ordeal... When he managed to get brother/stepmonster alone, he learned that neither one of them really had any animosity towards him but felt they didn't have the energy to go against the uncle who was driving the whole train.

As I mentioned before, the uncle is an even worse POS than DH's dad. But his dad (and apparently his stepmonster too) had mellowed out a lot in their advancing age and had started to feel some remorse for their past behaviors. DH said that the next time we go back to the area, he wants to make sure he visits that part of the family. I asked "does that mean you want to visit your stepmonster too?" To my surprise, he said yes...

I have to admit that I am really impressed and surprised by the "forgive and forget" attitudes on every side of this coin. It takes a strong person to take those steps....



posted on Jan, 26 2016 @ 07:28 PM
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Hello CIA,
I have followed the thread and am happy on you and your families behalf that it concluded this way.
Forgiveness is a hard pill to swallow and usually people don't change their attitudes.
Cheers to you, I hope it brings you a little more peace in your life.
WIS



posted on Jan, 31 2016 @ 07:58 AM
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a reply to: CIAGypsy

Gypsy just read this, i am so sorry for your troubles and that he went threw that as a kid, forgive me for not coming to this thread and saying how sorry i am for your troubles sooner, may you and your hubby heal from this pain and try and find some kind of silver lining...

Peace by with you both...



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