Being Dishonest About Ugliness

Is it good to call an ugly person beautiful?

Is it bad to call an ugly person ugly?

Recently, I discussed truths about beauty and some of the downsides that being beautiful has. Today, I came across this 2015 article from The New York Times--Being Dishonest About Ugliness , & I wanted to examine the flip-side of the equation: what about people who are ugly?

The Australian author Robert Hoge, who describes himself as “the ugliest person you’ve never met,” thinks we get it all wrong when we tell children looks don’t matter: “They know perfectly well they do.”

A former speechwriter, he has written a book for children, based on his own life story, called “Ugly.” He finds children are relieved when a grown person talks to them candidly about living with flawed features in a world of facial inequality. It’s important they know that it’s just one thing in life, one characteristic among others.

Being afraid to talk about ugliness--being afraid to acknowledge its existence is exactly what makes people feel ashamed of not being beautiful. And this is the seed that flowers into the destructive weed that is envy and hatred.

FACT: Ugliness is NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.

"ADULTS often tangle themselves in knots when discussing physical appearance with children. We try to iron out differences by insisting they don’t matter, attribute a greater moral fortitude to the plain or leap in defensively when someone is described as not conventionally attractive, or — worse — ugly or fat.

After all, there are better, kinder words to use, or other characteristics to focus on.

We talk about body shape, size and weight, but rarely about distorted features. And we talk about plainness, but not faces that would make a surgeon’s fingers itch.

It’s important to talk to children, he says, before 'they get sucked into the tight vortex of peer pressure, where every single difference is a case for disaster. Don’t tell kids they’re all beautiful; tell them it’s O.K. to look different.'"

Being different shouldn't be seen as a terrible thing. Everyone has both advantages and disadvantages in their respective lives that they have no control over due to being born with said attributes or lack thereof.

So, why do we try to pretend like ugliness and beauty don't exist and are arbitrary terms--when the reality is that both certainly exist and affect each and every one of us whether we deny it or not?

"DON'T TELL KIDS THEY'RE ALL BEAUTIFUL; TELL THEM IT'S O.K. TO LOOK DIFFERENT"

Because, it's our differences that make us beautiful. Don't hate others for having something that you want and can't have--and don't hate others for being different. If we were all the same, it would be boring and sad and pointless.

Children should learn to be proud of who they are--regardless of how smart or pretty or popular or funny or tall or thin they are. Things like that shouldn't be what you base your self-worth on. Base your self worth on who you are inside --because that's what really matters.

Be proud of who you are. You are worth it.

Here we go again.. Yes, we get it. You're amazingly beautiful and painfully intelligent. And damn it, ugly people should be told they're ugly.

Yawn. Enjoy your thread.

a reply to: MaryaNoxx


What the heck are you talking about? Read the OP.

In my darker moments when trawling Facebook, I think it would be fun to tell some people their kids or new born are ugly. Just for the dark side humour factor. "Wow that kid is ugly, can you put it back"

I really hate all this pc crap, call a spade a spade and an ugo an ugo (ugo is aussie slang for ugly person)

You should never go out of your way to put someone down and I can't think of anyone I would tell they were unattractive to their face but if a friend is trying to hook me up with one of her friends and shows me a picture of an ugly girl I'll tell her straight up "no way, she's ugly"

It always amazes me how a girl hearing that one of her friends is unattractive will get offended like your talking about her

a reply to: woodwardjnr

I imagine the reaction would be pretty wild.

But...that shouldn't really be funny. Being ugly isn't a bad thing. Ever since antiquity (the article sites the Ancient Greeks), ugliness has been related to shame whereas beauty as been related to honor. I believe that both of these are totally wrong. Honor and shame have nothing to do with physical appearance. Perpetuating this lie that they do is wrong.

Because it creates the frustration you speak of--and that need to vent with dark humor. Fighting fire with fire only results in everything getting destroyed.

a reply to: IkNOwSTuff

Well, I'd stick up for my friends. It depends on the context. Calling someone ugly to be mean is wrong. What is not wrong is being honest with your child.

a reply to: rukia

How can ugliness actually be defined? Who would you tel they are just 'different and that's good'?' This entire post makes me want to throw up.

originally posted by: woodwardjnr
In my darker moments when trawling Facebook, I think it would be fun to tell some people their kids or new born are ugly. Just for the dark side humour factor. "Wow that kid is ugly, can you put it back"

They are ugly, how?

I call some of my closest buddies "ugly sumbitch" as a greeting. Scars, busted teeth, an occasional missing digit or limb. I don't skirt the issue. It is a term of endearment.
I'm half blind in one eye and have a few good scars on my face. I still do just fine with the ladies.

a reply to: rukia
A lot of people don't find dark humour funny

We live in very interesting times
As we move deeper into advanced cheap surgerys and other various physical changes, and as the internet becomes the main way for normal communication between one another, the true uglyness is being moved onto those whom most deserve it
The ugly mind..and that I gladly share in the joy of calling out.

a bunch of ignorant ugos who go online and laugh about physical appearance will soon have nothing to offer, even dark humor, in a couple decades.

I would recommend not teaching your children to judge what is and isnt ugly based on physical appearance alone, unless you are intentionally wanting to make your ugly child grow into a very ugly adult in this and coming days.

I'm not so sure about being "proud of who you are..." or being "worth it."

As a spectacularly comely, healthy person who has also been struck savagely with the smart stick, I see ugly, sick and dumb folks as simply having p-o'd god for some reason... I mean really, think about it.. .why would god make you ugly or ill or *gasp* both ugly and ill and stupid if he didn't want to make a statement?

God may be seen as a sadistic plastic surgeon holding his creations up for public comment... molding countenances and withholding white blood cells and o2 from delicate brain cells for obscure morality exercises... it's the only logical answer.

*this has been a pointless late night exercise in general sarcasm with a pinch of irony... send all complaints to the OP. The writer is actually aging, forgetful and tooth achy and suspects any creative force is a domino flicker.

I agree in a way but not in another. I'll try to be short here (yeah right lol).

1. I think it's good to tell kids it's ok to look different. So I agree with that.

2. Looking "good or pretty" is completely arbitrary. I'd emphasize that no one looks good to everyone else and that no one is unattractive to everyone else. So the key is finding people who like you for who you are. As an example, I'd point towards cats, birds, deer and the such. Then I'd remind them that while they may not look "attractive" to us, some animals will find them irresistible and will fall in love with them. People are the same way.

And for a personal example, many cultures have obsessions with female "beauty norms" that have no affect on me at all. Some women have even questioned if I was gay because of it. I'm nowhere near being gay, but I'm just not physically attracted to heavily made up faces (looks like kabuki masks to me) or the skinny/boney/"heroin chic" look (reminds me of the starving people I've seen during my push against world hunger). That doesn't mean those people are "ugly", it just means I'm not attracted to them. So I'd remind kids that there's someone out there for everyone, and that what you find appealing may not appeal to others, and vice versa. Just like our tastes in foods.

3. There's a massive difference between "pretty" and "beautiful". "Pretty" is skin deep and emphasizes physical attractiveness. But "beauty" comes from within, as it emphasizes character traits. It's possible to be both "pretty" and "beautiful", but many times they don't come together. As in, a female crush once told me she'd met plenty of handsome losers. I'll never forget that lol. Either way, I'd emphasize that they should choose friends, heroes, role models, & love interests based on inner qualities, because a great looking shell can hide a dangerous soul.

4. And probably the most important thing: they're kids. Encourage them & try to lift them up. If other people are jerks to them, that's on those people. But my job as an adult is to boost their self esteem & self worth. There's no way I'd resign myself to making them feel ugly because that can create scars that will last a lifetime, even if they eventually become considered "attractive" to others. (And a person with low self esteem is easier to manipulate, especially by human traffickers, pimps & "agencies", hate speakers, and the such.)

Instead, I'd rather teach them how to handle peer pressure, how not to be affected by insults, and how to believe in themselves regardless of opposition. I think that will help them far more than saying something like "you're ugly but it's ok to be ugly". Screw that (not meant at you in particular). And ironically, people tend to find confidence "attractive" too. So my suggestions would probably increase their perceived attractiveness, not diminish it.

(note: whoops, ended up ranting. i knew it wasn't going to be short)

a reply to: rukia

Yeah , me too, i was like wtf, you joined just to reply to this thread.

Scorened, yet pretty... emphasasing her Bunny Boiler ways.

Bunny Boiler.

originally posted by: woodwardjnr
a reply to: rukia
A lot of people don't find dark humour funny

A lot of people need to lighten the hell up.

a reply to: rukia

There exists a state of mind in which you and I react immediately upon our sense of sight. Yes or No? We are programmed to sense and choose based on our perceptions. Ugliness is a physical interpretation that with our maturity becomes a mental manifestation. To call someone ugly may be well reasoned, and our immaturity is not bad. Our immaturity and ignorance is ugly, but I do agree with calling the space a spade.

Ugliness resides within the heart. Love knows ugliness and chooses to mature into beauty. The most painful condition known to Humans is to be decalred ugly. Have compassion for growth beyond the physical.

a reply to: rukia

a reply to: rukia

I think Tilda Swinton is the hottest babe on the planet.

Anyway....

True ugliness is invisible,it cannot be seen:It exists in the heart of those that think that appearance matters,in the minds of the proud,the arrogant and the shallow.

We are naturally attracted to physical beauty, whereas we are naturally put off by ugliness. The thing is that beauty is subjective and not objective; what I find physically beautiful might not be appealing to you and vice versa.

While I do agree it's wrong to tell ugly people they are attractive (even if it's for good reasons), I feel it is better to focus on their positive attributes instead of trying to insult them. It's best to steer clear of conversations that allude to their physical looks.

Also, presentation>looks. Looks will only get you so far, but the manner in which you present yourself can never be overstated! I'm not talking about wearing the most expensive clothes or gadgets, but rather showing that you have made an effort to look clean and personable.