posted on Oct, 31 2015 @ 05:33 AM
a reply to: woodwardjnr
On a regular basis, as I am lying in bed before sleep, I play out a mental scenario of some doctor telling me I have cancer and I respond with
"Finally!", "It's about time!" or "You promise?" .
I find some relief, some rebellious righteousness in the idea of facing this kind of news with a "screw this world and life anyway" kind of defiance.
And yet, I know it's a different thing when truly confronting it. And I'm so sorry that you are in that place.
I like to think I could refuse treatment. I honestly do not want to be a heavily medicated, multi-surgeried old person in a nursing home one day. I
don't want to linger in this world like that. I've lost several people I've known - one very close to me that died of cancer before they were 30. I
always think "Well, no matter what I haven't done in my life, they never had the chance to not do those things for as long as I have, and they should
It's easy to urge you to carry on - to keep fighting. That's what me and everyone else did to the people I've seen go.
I'm not going to sugarcoat a response to you because you don't deserve that. I also feel like that would be lying in that it's not anywhere near a
choice I would make. In fact, I like to think I wouldn't even try 10% as hard as you have already. I fear the reaction of other people in my life
learning about some imminent end of mine and changing how they respond to me more than the actual bad news. I've seen it happen firsthand and I
imagine it as a kind of horror they don't show in movies. People not treating you as they used to and such. Suddenly, you're their outlet for being a
positive influence. In reality, they just don't know HOW to react, really.
No matter your decision, I hope you face it with voracity. If you keep trying, I hope you blow expectations away and survive. If it's to not fight so
damn hard, then I hope you get a few more moments of really tasting some excellent moments of your life. Eat your favorite foods like a pig if you can
stomach them. Jump from a plane if that's a goal or anything like that. I hope you have the where-withal to have control of your life to the very end.
I hope that for nearly everyone really. All the good folks anyway. And most folks are good folks. And especially, find peace in yourself with either
path you take.