"I'm sorry"

Many of you are aware that a beloved ATS member, Iamschist, has passed away and will be missed by many members who knew her best. Many of us grieve or redeem ourselves in different ways through sentiments or actions. But the one action that irks me the most comes in the form of a single word- 'sorry'.

Long story short- I was orphaned when my father died when I was ten. The week he died all I heard from classmates was 'I'm sorry." It was like I had a depressing parrot sitting on my shoulder and all I wanted to do was move on, but the dreaded S word reared it's ugly head again and again and again.

Fast forward twenty years. Every time a politician, sportsman or official that is caught doing something that they shouldn't do the one thing they do over and over again is to say they're sorry and offer a hollow apology. The S word has become an automatic response for many folk that are implicated or expressing condolences, and at times it is an empty gesture and to this day I will not use that word unless it comes from the heart.

So Iamschist, I am not sorry. I am glad that you have put a smile on the faces of so many people.

What does 'sorry' even mean? I know what it means to me...but that may not be the same thing to everyone. Perhaps people should simply say "I am saddened..." rather than "I'm sorry." Or maybe just say nothing at all. Reaching out and holding a hand can imply just as much...

I've been through grief just like many others. I've been on the giving and receiving end of a grief "sorry." People say it because they feel a psychological need to connect or acknowledge the grief. They do it for the recipient as much as for themselves.

Know how you feel, the word sorry almost always seems to be for the benefit of the person saying it other than the person its been said too. Can you tell a little about lamschish I dont remember who she is ( or was depending on what you believe) I believe a loved person should never become "a was" for they should always be alive in us

a reply to: Thecakeisalie

The passing of anyone should be a time to not reflect on how the person died, so much as it should be a time to reflect how they lived.

a reply to: imod02

Iamschist had the most beautiful avatars and changed them several times.

I'd generally know a post was hers just by the quality of the avatar before I even checked the name.

Her posts were thoughtful and insightful, she was a kind person.

I was wondering if a mod might be able to look in her uploads to see if any of her avatars are still there - I'd love to see them again. There was one in particular that I liked and associated most with her. It would be quite fitting for them to be displayed in Humanseh's thread - which has turned into a wonderful tribute. It really shows what it means to have made a good impression on ATS.

I haven't said 'Im sorry', either. I've wished her well in her new stage of being.

a reply to: berenike

Is there anyway of reading some of her posts

a reply to: imod02

I was doing just that

www.abovetopsecret.com...

a reply to: berenike

Thank you

a reply to: Thecakeisalie

So if somebody says they are sorry for your loss and it comes from the heart it is okay? You can not equate the use of this phrase from a despicable politician in the same context.

Many people that want to express condolences are not being heartless just because they say "I'm Sorry" and not everyone expresses their sorrow the same way.

The departed do not care anymore, they are not here, but the people that grieve their loss are and it's not easy to convey, nor is there any specific way to change how that hurt is going to dissipate, words of compassion no matter how they are stated very rarely do not come from the heart.

I think the words are unimportant, what is the most important is the empathy and sympathy.

Public figures that use those words do not change their actions by saying I'm Sorry, and the only way for them to rectify what they did is through actions. So, I agree with your logic on that one.

I am not sorry for their loss, I am sorry for our loss, as we will not have the benefit of the wisdom to come, but I am grateful for the wisdom gained from having that person in my life. This is true of any soul that ascends, I am happy for them to continue on their journey in the evolutionary process of their spirit being.

Good Luck on your journey and I hope the next time someone says, I am sorry, you will not be so quick to judge them, especially as it pertains to the loss of a loved one.

a reply to: berenike

I'm glad to see I am not the only one going over her old posts.

She will be missed.

When my wife signed up, Iamschist was one of the first people to greet her, and try to make her feel at home while on ATS.
She always cared about how things were going and unknowingly helped my wife through a major depressive episode.

We were very saddened by the news, and still are, although reading some old posts with my wife helped us to remember how awesome Iamschist was to her, to me, to everyone.

a reply to: Thecakeisalie


The same could be said for a lot of words. "Love" is another one...tossed around so much it has become less than trivial. "Mistake"...hate that one too. It's only a "mistake" the first time you do it--after that it becomes "habit"...or (perhaps more honestly) "complacency".

However, I think if someone extends their condolences for the loss of a loved one, the word they use to express that shouldn't be scrutinized. It's not easy for people to approach someone who is grieving and offer condolences. If someone says they are "sorry for your loss", are you going to vilify them for using a word that you associate with negativity from your childhood? That would be akin to offering candy to a small child and then slapping them when they reach out to take it.

If someone is kind enough to offer comfort in the only words they know to use, that should stand on its own merit. They are making an effort, without being required to, at comforting someone who is grieving a loss. A vocabulary lesson is not needed, nor would it be appropriate to editorialize the speech of someone who is just, in their own way, trying to show respect for someone else who has suffered a loss.

does anyone know what happened to her, what did she die off

On the subject of Iamschist herself, I'll add this in:

I am missing my cat, Pumpkin. He's been missing now for three days. Yesterday, I literally walked through the woods for hours on end, searching for him, and he has not come back. Today, I am closing the shop early to go search for him again. I have become quite discouraged.

I, too, have been looking at her old posts this afternoon, and one of them was on the subject of St. Anthony, patron saint of lost souls (lost anything, really). I invoked St. Anthony last night while searching for my little guy, begged him to please find my beloved and bring him back to me safe and sound. I have felt all day long this horrible depression because I miss him so very much. He is my familiar, and anyone who is a Witch will immediately understand...our bond is deeper than family. I feel like a part of myself is gone.

I am not sure if I was directed to that old thread by design or if it was serendipity, but lo and behold, there are her words, jumping out at me:

Today is the Saint day of Saint Anthony of Padua. Better know perhaps as the Patron Saint of Lost Things. I have experience with this, and can say for over 30yrs I have petitioned him when I was unable to find something. Only one time have I not found it, and that was something it turned out, had been stolen. It may be a day, it may be much much longer, but this guy is the real deal. You don't have to take my word. Test him for yourself.

anthony

I don't know if it will prove to be true, but I plan on being out in the woods, in the pouring rain, until I find my little dude or it gets too dark to look anymore today. And that post gives me hope that I have not had all day. We will see if she's right, in due time, but I thought I'd share that with you all just the same. Blessed Be Iamschist, wherever you may be. )O(

This thread about empty platitudes made me think of this George Carlin bit.



Call his bluff! Put his ass to work.

I'm like most people who aren't great at responding to bad news. I'm sorry is as good as any thing to say. What platitude should people use

Is there anything that doesn't offend people these days? Tigertatzen said it best! Read it a few times.

When did Iamschist die? I haven't seen her posting for a while.

Sorry can be a word filled or a word empty, it is us who decide which it is. As I got older a few things changed in me, like to give people flowers when they are alive, as they are no use giving when dead, dont try to be a more caring person, become a more caring person so you dont need to think about it. I dont want to be a better person, the person I am is good enough, but changes all the time. Be yourself for if you try to be who other people want or who you think other people want then who are you. I belive she understood this

a reply to: Thecakeisalie

Star and flag.

It's just so damned hard to know what to say when people we know lose someone. It's sort of beautiful on the level of connecting with each other too. When they let us know someone has died, a part of them wants sympathy/empathy/acknowledgement and a part of us wants to say or do 'the right thing.' In that moment, there's some symbiotic relationship stuff that's deep and primeval. Even elephants appear to have their version of 'sorry.'

I agree that even though 'sorry' is like the go-to word, it's always struck me as a lousy word to use. It's not our fault or responsibility when someone dies. 'Sorry for your loss' doesn't work either, does it? Still, in the English-speaking world, 'sorry' is what keeps escaping our lips in those situations.

'Please accept our condolences,' seems a better phrase even it's sorta musty and formal.

Please accept my condolences for the loss of your father

a reply to: Night Star

It doesn't offend me, it just irks me.

It seems to be an automatic gesture most of the time and to me it appears negative. It might sound cliched but at times it's best to remind someone to remember the life that was and not the death that has come.