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A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chucks house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died."
Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"
Chuck said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell any body he's dead."
A month Later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"
Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back."
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied,
"Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"
Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Edna always replied, "I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."
One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, "Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
To this, Edna replied, "Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."
Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Buddy replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks!
A woman is sitting at a bar enjoying a drink with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome man enters.
He is so striking that the woman can not take her eyes off him. The man notices her overly attentive stares and walks directly toward her.
Before she can offer her apologies for rudely staring he leans over and whispers, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do for $20. But only on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asks what the condition is.
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considers his proposition for a moment and then removes a $20 bill from her purse, which she presses into the man's hand along with her address.
She then looks deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully says, "Clean my house!"
originally posted by: ProleUK
I don't get jokes
A bloke in the pub told me this one, I still dont get it but names have been changed to keep on topic
A Capitalist a Liberal and a Communist are walking along a deserted beach on the way to a pub and see a mermaid sitting on a rock combing her hair.
She's the most beautiful thing they've ever seen.
They stand and stare for a bit, then the Capitalist says to the others ' Hey lads, she's gorgeous! I bet I can get a kiss from her.'
The others laugh and egg him on, he approaches the mermaid and sees her beautiful blue eyes and golden hair. Nervously he asks her for a kiss.
She brushes her hair and flaps her fin in excitement ' why yes, that would be nice.'
The capitalist approaches her and gently kisses her on the lips. With a smile and a wink to his friends he wanders off.
The Liberal says to his mate, ' I bet I could have a grope of her breasts' his friend laughs and eggs him on. The liberal approaches fixated on the sensual figure of the mermaid combing her hair. He asks gingerly, ' You're so beautiful, can I...can I feel your breasts?' expecting a rejection, she flaps her fin with excitement and says ' why yes, that would be nice' So, he has a good old rummage and she smiles, he smiles back at his friend and wanders on to the pub.
The Communist, thinks ' dam i could do so much more than that' he slowly walks over to her and stands for a while admiring her beauty. He finally plucks up the courage to ask her, ' Hey, you are so beautiful, I mean amazing, err Have you ... ever been... focked before?' he asks nervously.
The mermaid looks at him and says, No, but you have, the tides come in'
Economic moral, never trust a flip flopper