Childless Parents

originally posted by: crayzeed
a reply to: Anyafaj

Blimey! With relatives like that you don'y need any enemies. You have enough on your plate being told "it's your fault".
It's no ones fault, it's really the luck of the draw, just love your daughter and she will love you back.

That's my philosophy as well. I learned to ignore the haters. Even the ones I was raised with.

originally posted by: Eunuchorn

originally posted by: DAVID64
You have ZERO experience getting up at 2 am to feed and change a baby. Or have warm baby puke running down the back of your shoulder after that. Or having a baby pee in your face, when you took his diaper off a little too soon, or the cool air makes him want to pee again. This time straight up at you. You don't know what it's like to have to clean a baby, after they've got a hand in what's in their diaper and smear it all over themselves, their crib, the blankets, the wall AND YOU when you start cleaning it up.

You have no idea what it's like to stay up all night because they have a fever. Or listen for the slightest sound from their room, pole vault out of bed and run in to see if they're choking on mucus, heart doing a Neil Peart impression. [ The YYZ solo for you fellow fans ] You don't know what it's like to have to "baby proof" a whole house. Or go through a room, inspecting every inch before you put them down, to make sure there are no little things lying around for them to stick in their mouths and choke on. You don't know the endless hours of potty training. Or the terrifying experiences you'll have when they start learning to walk. Or all the scrapes and scabs they'll have when they do learn.
You think because you baby sat for your little brother or sister a few times, you know what it's like to be a parent and that gives you the right to tell the rest of us we're doing it wrong.
No.
You Don't.
Till you have one and they're at least a few years old....stay out of it. Your opinion doesn't count.

Jesus, & I was already not wanting kids, thank you for sealing the deal for me.

I was one of those that knew I wanted kids by age 7, yet somehow I also wanted to be a nun when I was 11. Go figure. I was a very conflicted and confused child. LOL

a reply to: Anyafaj

Out of curiosity, why did you want to become a nun?

originally posted by: ketsuko
a reply to: Benevolent Heretic

Well it is patently true that not only do you have zero experience living with a kid 24/7/365 but it is also patently true that you do not know those particular kids.

A lot of times, people who parrot advice they've heard that comes from something they've read and not actually practiced as if the parents themselves are either 1.) unaware because we're too stupid to do our own research or 2.) somehow less knowledgeable about child care despite being in the midst of it.

A lot of times we have sought solutions in a variety of ways, even tried those tidbits of advice being dispensed perhaps, but because the kids are all different, what we're doing is what we've arrived at for the present. You neither know what we have nor where we've been.

I'll admit there have been times I had a parent give me the stupidest advice I ever heard that I had no choice but to ignore.

Don't sleep on your stomach when your pregnant, you'll suffocate the baby!

Umm, WTF??? Whatever dude. My stepsister's husband's mother who was a nurse passed that one along.

My other favorite.

Don't reach your hands over your head or you'll strangle the baby in your stomach and the baby will be born with the cord around it's neck.

I'm 4'10", you plan on following me around to reach everything my entire pregnancy? No, good then I'm reaching cups and plates myself then, or I'm starving, then the baby will starve, and it will be a moot point. (Who comes up with this crap?)

originally posted by: Autorico
a reply to: Anyafaj

Out of curiosity, why did you want to become a nun?

I was very religious as a child, and I had suffered severe childhood trauma at the hands of a male adult. The court system failed me and gave him 6 months probation for one year of rape and about a year or so of stalking. His sister was not charged. I'm sure their father being a fire chief had a lot to do with it. I now have severe PTSD with missing memories of a lot of childhood.

Edit, sometimes I still think of being a nun, but I don't know the Catholic religion that well. I'm non-denominational.

a reply to: Anyafaj

Aah I can totally see why you would want to surround yourself with women.

originally posted by: Autorico
a reply to: Anyafaj

Aah I can totally see why you would want to surround yourself with women.

Not in THAT kind of way, but yeah.

a reply to: Anyafaj

lol, I didn't mean it "that" way.

originally posted by: Autorico
a reply to: Anyafaj

lol, I didn't mean it "that" way.

No, I was teasing of course.

a reply to: Benevolent Heretic

THAT'S where we're getting our wires crossed. I'm talking about the people who will actually walk up to you in stores or butt in to a conversation unasked, with their oh so sage wisdom and start throwing out advice like they've been there dome that and feel like they've got the solution for your child, when they have no children of their own and no experience past just generally being around kids. They don't know my child, they have no clue what's going on, but they are the expert on fixing whatever the problem may be.

a reply to: Thecakeisalie

My kids are 26, 17 and 14. No newborn.
I'm 50. Pretty sure my days of getting up to feed and change are over. Till the grand kids come along anyway!!

Everyone can reach into the depths of their memory and, assuming they have 2 braincells that rub together once in a while, formulate a bit of advice based off they something did or didn't work for them as a kid. That's acceptable, if the childless individual's advice is asked for in the first place. What irks me is the know-it-alls who have no actual parenting experience of their own but like to think because they've babysat a few times, or have younger siblings that it grants them some sort of authority (and a nanny background only works to bridge that gap if you were a 24/7/365 live-in) Unsolicited child-rearing advice is the biggest bane of parents, it's not helpful.

Clueless is CLUELESS, and I've found the most asinine pearls of wisdom come from the people who don't have their own yet. The person I value advice from the most was basically a daycare worker before she had kids, and admitted having her own rammed home the point that even with all her college schooling, she didn't know ish. She thought the education & job made her an expert, but guess who found out otherwise? I value her advice because she reminds me of how we thought when we were kids and why we thought what we thought, did what we did, etc. Remembering our behaviors is a foundation to figuring out our kids' behaviors, it helps. Baseless advice from people who have an observer's view, not a parent's, does more to tick people off than is does to help. Too much of that advice is based off of conclusions jumped to because of being around "when my sister was little..."

a reply to: Nyiah

What people who have temporary custody of child don't sometimes understand, too, is that kids totally behave differently around a person who sees them for only a small amount of time in an artificial environment that isn't the home than they will for a parent.

I learned that one. I spent several years classroom and then a few more as a one on one worker with kids who had all kinds of learning disabilities, some of them accompanied by other issues like severe ADD/ADHD and autism spectrum disorders. My own is normal, but he's going to be different for me because I'm his mom than he will be for his daycare instructors or any of his teachers. School or daycare != home. And an adult you see for just a few hours at a time sporadically is going to be reacted to and treated differently than one you live with 24/7.

originally posted by: ketsuko
a reply to: Hecate666

The problem is that when you are trying very hard as a parent to do things in a consistent manner with your child and you are in a difficult spot because the child is acting out, the last thing any parent needs is for another adult to come along and undermine you, even if they may "know better.'

One of the firmest rules between parents in the house is that one should never undermine the other in front of the child or children. If there is a disagreement over the discipline or how a situation was handled, it ought to take place later in almost every circumstance (obviously if one is beating the snot out of the child or otherwise endangering it, that's different).

It just sets a bad precedent for the person who should be in authority to be undermined.

I get where you are coming from but two things stand out:

1) you say 'even if they know better'. Depends on who it is, if it is someone who actually may know better [i.e a person with lots of kids or an older person a psychologist a long-time nanny etc], maybe it is worth listening to them. I am definitively one to moan at others when I see them doing awkward things, doesn't mean they have to listen to me. All I am trying is speeding up their own experience by sharing mine. Eventually they'll come to a similar conclusion even on their own account but I may as well try.

2) grow a backbone, when people tell me what to do I normally check if they may have a point and if not, I'll tell them in no uncertain polite words to keep their nose out of it. It's really easy, unless you have doubts about what you are doing in the first place. Most 'meddlers' don't do it to show off or be nasty, they are just trying to share their knowledge. Some more clumsily than others, I understand. Just tell them not to.