Overload To The Max

I have been dealing with lots of issues lately and more stress that i can handle. The passing of my best friend and father in 2013, my moms disability and now broken arm. More money problems than i can even begin to bring to the table. Lost what few friends i did have for various reasons.

For the better part of a year i have been alone mentally. I'm stuck inside my head with a million racing thoughts. I have no outlet, no vent for whats inside. The pressure keeps welling up more and more every passing day.

I have been facing the decision to just leave it all behind. I cant get any help where i really need it and everyone that i do talk to about this thinks that i am just making excuses. Not one of them has to live the life i live nor deal with the crap that i do.

My only other bit of family caused me some expense and refuses to pay up. I have been tossed to the wolves now that i have outlived my usefulness.

I am thinking about hitting the road. I have not a dime to my name nor a pot to defecate in. I only have BOB and my boots. That little that i have feels a lot more prospective than staying here living this way.

I wake up every day with the same issues if not more, and when i wake i think to myself WHYYYYYY.

I ruined my chances a t a decent education and cost myself thousands of dollars. All my dreams and aspirations are coming apart at the seams and it leaves me asking the question. Is the grass really greener?

I can only find one reason to stay and an insurmountable hill of crap in front of me that i must chose to wade through if i do.

My own blood is more concerned about their ipad than giving a damn about the problems i have.

I don't know where to go or what to do. I never thought i would be bringing my problems like this to the table here. But as it is, its my last bastion, my only place to talk about it.

Every one of my dreams have been shattered and turned to dust and i am bringing down the only person i have left. I have to GO.

If you knew me personally you would know that i have a face of stone. I never let my feelings show, but i cant stop the flood this time.

I am at my wits end and grasping at toothpicks to stay afloat. This may be my last thread.

hey dude,

I'm not sure i have the ability to really console you in all the topics that are getting you down at the moment,

I did however want to get online and tell you that i think your a really talented writer.
Or, at least very talented and expressing your self and from memory that is one of the most important criteria in writing, "ability to express ideas concisely".

"i have been stuck inside my head with a million racing thoughts, and no outlet" - well i think you just proved your self wrong, i wish i had the diligence to write here on this fantastic and safe outlet of thought as much as you do, and i sincerely hope that i have the opportunity to be privy to a lot more of your posts in the future.

hang in there my good friend, "no regrets, just lessons" and all that spiritual jazz.

one time i wrote and essay in which Apple (the company) tried to take over the world through subliminal messages through its music, it was a little bit lord of the rings-esque with a lower case "i" as a tower with and 'eye" and so forth,rather a thrilling read actually.

Anyways re: family with ipads;
I read once that it is too late to affect any more positive influence on those who have been indoctrinated into the musings of our consumer capitalist society that is sucking civilisation dry of any free thought and culture. which is a frightful thought,
and the fact that you seem to believe all you have of any safety in this world is your BOB and some nice boots; well sir, I could do with a nice pair of boots but unfortunately all i have is family with ipads.

So until i get those boots ima be here doing my best to stay aware, vigilant, and with the tenacity to continue to try and sway the people i love (regardless of their ill-recipricated affections) away from the evil company which is apple.

i wish you good luck, i offer you all of my most heartfelt love,

One tribe, one love, one life, one.

(some more hippie jaz)

a reply to: shaneslaughta

I feel for you. I have been at the end of my cope rope many times. I have handled it two ways, knuckle down, bite the bullet, and or go belly up.

Running away works, in some ways. You get a new set of problems, but the ones that originate with you, go with.

Knuckling down is thankless, and costs you. The thing is, how do you want to see yourself? Anything you choose will have consequences and the piper must always be paid.

One other option is to change your mind. Change how you view everything. Quit thinking about everyone else, do what you know to do, best you can, and let it go. I gave up trying to please people. I began to live by my own rules based on how I wanted to feel about myself, living by my values, and if in any situation I am unable to please, please myself, then at least one person will be happy.

Money trouble, hard. No way out but through. I crashed my credit, had a car repoed. Spent 7 years rebuilding.

You are stronger than you know. Many have walked the walk you are now on. There are really no wrong answers, pick your consequences and go for it.

On broken dreams...

"Dream again, only deeper."

-- C.S. Lewis

Dear Shane S, please accept this cyberhug and try to hang in there. I am living proof that the most miraculous things can happen from even the most tragic of circumstances. I understand the deep pain that family betrayal and lack of empathy can cause. I know what deep wounds, sleepless nights, hopelessness and desperation are all about. BUT, trust me, that big old sun will come up again tomorrow and bring with it a whole new chance to write your own destiny. Sometimes, it's good to wipe the slate clean and start over. Other times, it's better to stay where you are and tough it out. Only you know in your heart which is right. Search yourself. The answer is in there.

I am pulling for you. Please don't make this your last post because you would be missed!

Love,

Grace

a reply to: shaneslaughta

Don't let it be your last post.
Talking about it is the hardest, but plenty of us are where you are trying to find our way out. You seriously aren't alone. It may suck but it sucks less if we talk to each other in solidarity if nothing else.

Your BOB sounds cool and that is some strength. Things aren't all hearts & roses for me either and I swear your post is serendipity! pull a camp chair up here around the fire and shoot the # some. We're all in this together, altho we've never met.


we really need a hobo fire pic here.....

a reply to: shaneslaughta

Been there man, im feeling you.

Alls i can say to you is go with your gut, go with what feels right.

Sounds like you've nothing to stay around for, maybe that road needs hitting...

I got to the same place in my life. And just before I pulled the trigger Jesus stopped me by putting a different thought in my head. I got saved and my whole life changed. 22 years later I still have stress, money troubles and relationship problems. But none of it affects me like it used to.

What you have is You.

Make your aim in life to be the best You that you can be - you might not mean a lot to anyone else but You can guide yourself through life's trials and You can be the one who is always there for you.

The best piece of advice that I ever heard is: Get organised - It doesn't sound like much, does it? But trying making that your mantra and see how far it can get you

Find one small thing each day that you can appreciate. Look outside - see a bird, a flower anything that appeals to you. Watch a dog playing in the park and see how he enjoys living in the moment. Make your moments precious when you can. Give yourself that breathing space and just enjoy something to lighten the gloom.

Sometimes, if you feel that you are painted into a corner, you just have to sit and wait for the paint to dry

I saw a cartoon once, in a book. A little guy says "Wherever I go, I'm still here".

You might want to bear that in mind before you pack up and go. IF, however, you can go in a positive frame of mind, alert to new opportunities and determined to make a better life for yourself, I'd say go for it.

I did just that when I was 16 - believe me I had no idea what I was letting myself in for and I learnt about being hungry and wondering where the next week's rent was coming from. But, if you think you can rough it and you don't mind being alone, if you have that faith in yourself, a new start could be the making of you.

if all else fails,lower your expectations.you can raise your expectations again when you get back on your feet.

you have to make yourself happy before you can bring happiness to those around you.

a reply to: shaneslaughta

Stick a big smile on that stone face of yours and think to yourself [ snip ] the lot of them .

As long as you are healthy and have a roof above you and food what else matters dreams are just dreams at the end of the day you can have more any time you want

don't sweat the small stuff and look after no 1

I been there recently and I still am dealing with life issues. Trust me it will get better you just have to believe and stay positive. Members right here on ATS have helped me tremendously and I love them so much!

All you have to do is ask and you will receive the help you need. Ask God, Jesus, the universe, everyone and you will see that things will work out for you. All i want to say is God Bless you and i hope for the best for you. I wish I could help but i am on the way back myself.

Thanks for your encouraging support and thoughts. I wont go running off just yet. I got a lot of things to weigh.

I ahve actually decided that being hear reading and discussing things helps to take my mind from that which i can not change.

a reply to: shaneslaughta

I can relate to you ten fold as I've been in the same boat as you. I'll give you rundown of events thats happened to me in the last few years, most of what I'm going to tell you happened within a two yr span.

I lost two of my best friends, my uncle and my father, blew a motor in my truck going to another state to see my dad on his death bed, my business went under as a result of the economy, was assaulted by ex wife(court and all that BS), lost my house and all equity in it that was worth 500K, went thru divorce, found out wife was cheating on me, had my kids turned against me by my ex, had two siblings turn there backs on me, went thru and still going thru some major health issues, owe a crap load of money to the IRS, medical bills and creditors, got ripped off from a couple of so called friends that I had loaned money to help them out, had to sell some items that meant a lot to me, ended up incarcerated in a mental ward for a weekend because the shrink I went to get help from thought it was best to call the sheriff's to come get me for observation, aaargh, found myself homeless, jobless and not a pot to piss in, etc, etc, I could keep going but I think you get the picture. If it could happen it did.

Life on lives terms can suck sometimes and it can feel hopeless with no way out. I and I'm sure many others on this forum understand exactly where you're at because some of us have been there. I think the mere fact that you started this thread tells me you're not ready to throw in the towel and would welcome help. Hitting bottom can be a blessing in disguise, although it may not feel that way at the time. One way to look at it is, you have nowhere to go but up from where you are today. I can tell you firsthand that it's not easy but it's doable. If you're willing to put in the effort to make the changes, things will get better but you have to be willing. There's a lot of good people and support programs out there that are willing to help you. The key to getting better (at least for me this was true) is taking action. Doing nothing about your issues and wallowing in your chit will yield you nothing, nada, zilch, zero.


I would check out some local support groups in your area. Most counties can help get you in touch with a psychiatrist, group or the likes to help you get pointed in a positive direction. Don't let your pride get in the way of reaching out for help. What you're going thru happens to the best of us. You're welcome to PM me at any time and I would be glad to give you my number if you like. Just know you're not alone trudging down this path we call life, it's only a bump in the road and will come to pass.

We want see more post from you in the future.

DP

You are not special.

Sound like an insult?

Nah, you are not the only person to go through slumps. Not one person on this board is immune from it.
Coping mechanisms are different for everyone and we all have sh*tty times.

Do you need cognitive help if you have depression?
Or is it a matter of making some behavioural changes?

Either way, pick our brains here, I guarantee someone will have the right words and experience for you to help turn your head a little to see a way forward.

Measured mind. No extremes, and care for your body. Depression is a daily job to manage. You may need to get therapy support, some medical help if needed and a good support network to manage it. They are there and not necessarily family.

oh and...I'll box your ears if you leave. You are needed.

My heart goes out to you. I know what it feels like to be in a dark place with hope fading. You are not alone. You have your ATS family here to stand by your side.

As far as financial problems, can you get help from anywhere? Welfare or something until you get on your feet?

Here is where people think im making excuses.

My dads doctor when dying with cancer wouldn't even refill his painkillers. That same doctor once told me that i needed yoga for my racing thoughts.

My head shrinker turned out be a bigger conspiracy theorist and total wack job than i was. She told me i was the most normal same person under her guidance.

Welfare in my area caters to baby makers and because i am a single male i am the least at risk so hardly eligible for anything. Well there is more to it than that. My living situation means i am not eligible for much.

I have always believed that everything we need as humans come from nature alone. So i don't really believe in drugs.(Pharma)

I lost all faith in medicine many years ago and have been on my own path. It works well for me but as of late i just have more issues than i can handle.

The only people around me that can help truly make excuses as to why they cant help.

I couldn't even pry my own blood to come see their father as he was dying. It was left to me and my mom to handle. I get death is hard for people but its something we all must face. Now my mom who was in already bad health is in my hands and i am not all that eager to do it again, this time alone.

I have about a billion more issue rolling around inside and the people whom i need help from just wont acknowledge it as a problem for me. They make excuses like i have kids and my husband blah blah blah.

To be honest i just don't know what to do anymore. I have bitten off more than i can chew. It takes all i can to keep mom covered. From balancing her bills and money to carrying groceries and taking out the trash dishes and cleaning.

I cant keep up with everything and every day it feels like there is another thing added to my shoulders. I try and talk to my family but i get excuse after excuse.

Tried to borrow money from one of them to be told i don't have any. But you just got a loan for a brand new car, banks don't give loans without income. Nahh they are too worried about their booze habits than helping their own family.

These are the same people that ask me to fix their vehicles, repair plumbing, electrical for them. Everyone always asks me for help and i give in because i am that kinda guy. I overextend myself at my expense.

I am so frustrated and cornered. All i ever wanted was to make something of myself and now i have wasted 1/3 of my life being this person who would help anyone. For what? Where is my freaking karma????

My mind wont allow me to believe the bible or look for help in faith. I don't believe a word of it. Some story told over and over manipulated to suit a need.

I believe in a higher power, as the scale of the universe is too large to believe in us being here by random chance.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

a reply to: shaneslaughta

Your siblings should be helping in any way that they can! It is unfair to let you handle everything by yourself like that. I have an elderly Mother who is 91 and luckily can still live on her own, but she needs help with laundry, dishes, taking out the garbage, grocery shopping and other errands and doctors appointments. She lives in the apartment below mine. I am disabled and struggle to do things around my own house and help her too. Thank God for my Sister who shares in helping and my niece. One brother lives too far away and the other one barely does anything at all.

I have to take one day at a time and do what I can when I can.

Your Mom should give hell to your siblings for not helping!

originally posted by: Night Star


Your Mom should give hell to your siblings for not helping!

I agree but she is such a nice woman she wont open her mouth, she beats around the bush and drops hits like it would be nice this or im out of that. She shouldn't even have to speak up, my mom took care of her all her life, and this is the cycle that most of us go through.

I talk to my mom about just this and she just wont speak up. So of course i am the Ahole because i get mad and loose my temper.

a reply to: shaneslaughta

You are a wonderful son and should be proud of what you do for your Mom. I'm proud of you!