Do you have a good relationship with your ex/childrens parent?

I am asking this because I can not beleive that I am the only person that has managed to see through the BS and forged an adult relationship with my sons mother.

It was tricky at first but we both managed to overcome our diffrences and find a good way to co exist with each other not just for the benifit of our son but also my stepchildren and all of our freinds, everyone else I know seems to pride themselves in how much they hate, resent and slate there ex for there failings which I find really rather sad.

At this time of year it is always more prominent when I see people trying to out do there ex and argue about who does what and when and who pays for this or that.

My ex and I actually spent christmas together with the kids and freinds and family including our new partners 2 years ago because it worked out best for everybody, my only issue was my ex and current partner taking great fun in drinking wine and discussing all my failings which gave them great hilarity and a bond they still have now.

This year my sons brothers and sister were all back for the week(they are a few years older) so we decided I would not have him at all over the festive season so they could spend as much time together as possible. This was a little hard for me but on the whole I felt it was the right thing to do.

It has always been my belief that we are all somebodys ex and if every ex was a total arsehole/bitch then we would all be terrible people and deserve to be alone!

I wish my ex could come to terms with herself and realize all the damage she has done to our kids. She has screwed up those kids so bad. Things could have been alot different if she would have accepted the fact that we were no longer going to work anymore.
But NO !!!!!!!!!!! Drama queen had to do all sorts of things , including alienating my children from me..
After a few months, I am able to start to communicate with my kids again, but just through letters and sometimes emails.

I have always refused to stoop to her level, but I regret for not fighting hard enough in regards to my children and our relationship. That is all about to change.
The bullying has to stop.

It is hard as you know, my only advice would be that as hard as it may be whatever you do try to be the better person.

Remember that what seems important now will look different in five years time, that one day your children will be adults and how you wish them to remember there childhood.

The other thing I would say is that no matter how hard it may seem that the sooner you accept your own role in the situation and forgive your ex for there faults the sooner things will move forward.

Once you have done these things it is very hard for someone to continue an argument.

a reply to: oldworldbeliever

Mine blamed me for years after our split, she told our daughter the reason i left was because i didn't love her!!

when i met my (now wife) my ex was telling everyone i left her for the new GF, but he failed to notice how horrible she was, she was violent, she was aggressive, and i put up with it for my daughter, i left when she sprayed oven cleaner in my eyes,

after years, and taking her to court, i see my daughter regularly now, but it was a fight, and my ex still splashes crap on FB about me,

she turned nasty during pregnancy, and like i say blames me for all her failings!

someone once gave me some good advice when i was going thought this "your ex, is your ex for a reason" i loved my daughter, but tried so hard,

hopefully in a few years she'll see how she has been, (her current partner rows alot with her)

a reply to: nonspecific

Wanna know why i don't have an ex or children??
I don't make rash decisions that screw my life up...pretty simple.

Most times i look at people and the idiocy and just shake my head at the decisions made and how they feel butthurt by their own choices.

Emotionally crippled is a real thing.

So did you manage to form a one time well balanced relationship or are you celibate if that is not to personal question?

It is a sad fact that so many relationships fail especially those involving children but there are many mitigating factors to consider.

a reply to: DrumsRfun

a reply to: nonspecific

Cautious is a good word.
Of course I have had some good relationships...i wish I could tell you about them but thats not ats material.

Yes there are mitigating factors and variables....I just wish people thought about those things before having kids and a relationship.

a reply to: nonspecific

i agree,

when i met my Ex she was a nice person, and we were unlucky as the first time we did something she fell pregnant,

we used protection, i don't regret it, i love my daughter

I had to ask, so you have Ex's but no children with them then.

They are easy you just realise one day that you lived with someone for a few years but could not for the life of you remember there birthday, brothers name or favorite food.

a reply to: DrumsRfun

a reply to: nonspecific

I had girls that after six months i realize after all the sex....I have no clue who they even really are and they are just a stranger.
Yet people do it everyday and think they are winning while pumping out kids who don't deserve what they are getting.

a reply to: DrumsRfun

At the time of my marriage, it was more of doing what was expected of me. Get a good job , get married and have a family.
My problem is that I settled and didn't hold out for the "right" one.
That is all on me. People can be stupid when they are young.
But after years of unhappiness, I finally found myself searching for who I was , and in the search I found myself and became happy with what I had discovered.
That was when I realized that the person everyone wanted me to be was not who I was.

The problem with that is those who would not let you go. They want you to be who they want you to be.

a reply to: oldworldbeliever


Meh...don't worry about what people think....they don't think often enough to make it a valid enough reason for you to be concerned.
Be your own animal....live and let live.
I tell people to screw off when a sentence starts out like...."you know what you should do?"

A few ex wives,5 kids and you think I should really take your crap seriously.....ummmm,nope.
Not having a go...speaking in general terms.

a reply to: DrumsRfun

My influences were from uber christian family members, kind of like the beaver cleaver family. LOL ! There are rare occurrences of divorce in the family.
But that was WAY back in my early years. Becoming the so called black sheep of the family was liberating, to say the least.

sterile thanks to uncle scam spraying agent orage in vietnam back in the 60's .. adopted all my kids ..
As to ex's .. same policy as my days with s.o.g .. bury the dead charlie mike and dont look back ..

Sorry to hear that.

What is an S.O.G if you please I have no idea what that referes to? Also the phrase "bury the dead charlie mike and dont look back .."

a reply to: Expat888

a reply to: nonspecific

s.o.g/macsog
studies and observations group .. joint military/c(aught) i(n the) a(ct) unit .. did four tours in vietnam back in the 60's with them ..
As to bury the dead charlie mike and dont look back .. once things are done move on with life ..
Toned down the military version as it would violate t&c ..

Nonspecific - you aren't the only one.

My circumstances started like Phatdamage's. Bad period of my life, first date, protection broke. But my life headed to a better time, which I will always be thankful for, even though the road is hard.

My son's father and I broke up after a few months after that first date. We never see completely eye to eye on matters, especially when it comes to parenting, but out of respect to him and to my son, I try to see some sort of middle ground, or give way to matters that he feels strongly about (for instance, he didn't want my son to be christened)

We have arranged custody and child support without the need of lawyers or courts. We work through problems as they arise. There's just no need for us to be bitter and full of hatred - our son comes first, and I think it sets a good example for him to see adults being able to work together through differences, without resorting to emotional games. Besides, his family is much more loving and accepting of the situation than my family. His family are my own surrogate family.

In terms of being the ex - heh, I just spent christmas with his family and his new girlfriend, was quite fun I do like her, and I understand what it must be like living with my son's father, I respect her strengths! She's a lovely lass and my son's father is blessed to have her in his life.

The only downside - my son said a couple of weeks ago he wished Mummy and Daddy lived together. It's heartbreaking. But I explained as best as I could, but he's right in a sense, wishing it, like what 'normal families' have. But I figured it is for the best that two people who do not love each other and would clash badly if under the same roof aren't together. Because that leads down an awful road of pain and suffering on all sides - like my parents. May also lead to many years therapy.

I guess my advice to anyone in search of it - is to learn to listen and compromise. Learn not only to accept differences and failings of the mother/father, but of those of your own self. For me, nothing is always black and white, nobody is completely wrong or right. At the end of the day - a child needs a mother and father. A child's emotional ties to their parents need to be validated by each parent. Ie - say I loathe my son's father (I don't, but I loathe his flatulence lol), do I have a right to make my son feel bad about his father and his love for him by telling my son nasty things about him? No. I don't. Children should be able to make up their own minds about how they feel for their parents - or any family member for the matter.

Big hugs to all - happy new year xo

a reply to: nonspecific

I finally left my ex when my youngest son was 17. I had had it with him and felt that I could no longer stay for HIS health. Before I left I made it VERY clear to him,that neither of us was to bad mouth the other in front of him.That a child does not need to hear all the mud slinging that adults can do. I left,went my own way, I would try to put things about his father in the best possible light(sometimes hard to do with some of the stupid things the ex did) and low and behold my son came back to me one day saying he didn't want to go over to his dad's no more. I asked him why and he said he was tired of his dad bad mouthing me. Needless to say I went over there that night and went off like a rocket on him. I told him that I was glad he was willing to ruin his relationship with his son by acting like he was 12. Even though later on I encouraged my son over and over again,my son has not talked to or seen his father in years now. Whatever brownie points he thought he was getting by bad mouthing me,backfired on him big time.

It was a real shame because he did alot for our son and had a fairly good relationship with him until then. Then he threw it all away by acting like a child and trying to get revenge. There is nothing I can do to get my son who is now 30 years old to repair the relationship,whatever he said to my son totally did it in for him. To this day my son will not tell me what he said that caused all this. My son sees me every week,I go to his place or he comes to mine.I am thankful that I have my relationship intact with him despite my ex's stupidity. People have to both want to work at any type of relationship.It never works if only one tries.

a reply to: nonspecific
My ex really is crazy.

She was at work all day today leaving my daughter at home. I was in town today and asked my daughter if she wanted to accompany me on my errands for the day and grab lunch. She wanted to as all she was doing was sitting in her room playing her Ipad. I picked her up and within 15 minutes my ex called her on my daughters cell and wanted to know why she was out with me. She apologized and was getting yelled at by her. I told her that if it has caused problems, I would drive her home so she could sit there alone for the next 5 hours until her mom came home. I did this. My daughter was visibly upset at this. My ex then texted me saying that I have no right to see my daughter on her time. I texted her back saying that I was sorry but I didn't realize that she wanted me daughter to be a prisoner of her home until she got back. My daughter is 13 and not allowed to have friends over there or leave the house with friends while the ex isn't home. She is on Christmas break and hasn't seen her friends or done anything with her mom yet (her words).
If that's not crazy, I don't know what is.

To be brief, my ex of 12 years, marriage 37 years, has been to multiple family get togethers, including birthdays and Christmas. This included his last ex wife and his current girlfriend. I gave up much to make sure my grown family was not disrupted. I also still do his taxes. Thou after all these years and he still owes me for the house, I know he can pay me. Money is his god and I gave it up to keep family together. So worth it.

Congrats on keeping everything in perspective.