Motherhood, Fatherhood and the Family

a reply to: the2ofusr1

Oh boy...that was classic!!!! You know, my Dad's Mom kind of raised me she was born in Rome, Georgia USA in 1907 and passed away in 1993. I'm so many decades younger than my grandmother. Man....I remember the stories of how she and her siblings had to walk 7 miles to get to school (or something like that), it was ridiculous!!!

To this day, I've never topped that...I don't think I ever could

The only thing I probably did better than then was run faster. Only because I had to pass a huge field on my way home that was infested with grasshoppers...to this day, I'm terrified of grasshoppers. I'll tell you what though, those runs through the field landed me a full athletic scholarship. I was pretty smart too, but I think my feet worked better at that time out of fear.

I appreciate my grandmother so much....I can't even begin to tell her story. It lasted from 1907-1993 and it was full!

originally posted by: intrptr
a reply to: Rodinus

Rearing children is as international as ATS is, I think. Don't feel left out. My pre teen nephew has just been suspended for fighting with three kids in one day at his school. The love he received for that was a trip to Disneyland.

Fighting with three kids = Disneyland.

What!!!! No pun intended in this comment. But, your Sister or Brother took your nephew to Disneyland after fighting at school or was it off school grounds?

Hey wait a minute, Disneyland...that means you're a neighbor in So Cal. I'm in Pasadena.

a reply to: ThePublicEnemyNo1

Thanks TBE.

Some of countries probably have very similar laws to you ladies and gents in the US.

I will contribute more on this forum when my 15 year old son who slammed the door in my face and told me to EFF off this afternoon comes back this evening.

Kindest respects

Rodinus

originally posted by: beezzer
a reply to: Rodinus

Rod, is your child your first?

My wife and I are both college educated. We are well spoken and have been successful in our careers. So when we had our first child, we thought we were well prepared.

Instead we ended up raising Hannibal Lector.

So when we had our second child, we knew right away to break his spirit and to keep him beaten down always.

(I kid, of course)

Hi Beez.

To my knowledge Rod Jr is our first yes and we have a pretty similar situation to yours too.

However, I am the one who has always been fairly strict and Mrs R is the one that lets him get away with hell.

I think that Rod Jr has actually profited from the situation that Mrs R never wants to discuss issues with him and prefers the easy way out and lets him get away with anything after a little bargaining.

I tend to try and discuss/explain situations with him, but now he knows that it doesn't matter what I say as he can always run to his mum as she will always give in.

Grrrrrrr... frustrating.

Kindest respects

Rodinus

a reply to: ThePublicEnemyNo1

But, your Sister or Brother took your nephew to Disneyland after fighting at school or was it off school grounds?

At school. I know. Surprise, surprise.

Apparently he was picking on a smaller kid (being a bully), then attacked another kid who came to the first kids rescue. After seeming calm was restored, my nephew attacked the second kid again and a third kid sat on him until teachers arrived.

And yes, if you can believe it, his parents thought that being nice to him behind it would make him a nicer person.

So Disneyland became the reward.

It pains me to relate that, but there is nothing I can really do. It would still be a deep secret but for my mom who related it to me days after it happened. Any approach I make to help has always been rebuked as none of my business.

And that is part of the problem in my family. We keep secrets about behavior and don't allow others to help. There is an influence that divides us this way. Instead of these events bringing us together to deal with problems, we hide them.

Don't feel too bad. I am removed from it an I am okay with that. I am just relating here so people see how not to raise their kids. I know, this is how I was raised too.

You can sort of call that successful in a way. I do. It gives me insight into others plight. I can help here where I can't in my own family. That is the difference, denial.

a reply to: Rodinus

I tend to try and discuss/explain situations with him, but now he knows that it doesn't matter what I say as he can always run to his mum as she will always give in.

The worst. Without a combined front on discipline (those little talks) there is no unity in his mind and no need to change. He becomes confused and rebellious.

When parents use children against each other that is the lowest of lows, in my opinion. It is done willfully out of spite and is the most destructive to the family and its relationships.

The child is not the problem. He's the victim.

Oh boy!
As some members here know, I have two sons. They are 24 and 21 now, but I still wonder how we made it through my youngest.
Two boys, raised in the same house, same rules, still turn out night and day.
My youngest was diagnosed with antisocial disorder at around 12 ( I think). From that point on, hell broke loose. He would run away. Tell other parents that I beat him (never even slapped him, even when being called a F B).
Then he started stealing, first from us, then from others. The court system in this town is such a joke. I told the judge to demand counseling with his probation. He did, but the probation officer never enforced it. I was told by law, I couldn't forcibly make him go. Awesome. I learned kids have more rights than we do.

By the time he was sixteen, we had had the police at our home 13 times, in just one summer. After he keyed my husbands motorcycle, and kicked in the front quarter panel of his truck, you know what the officer we were friendly with told us?
"Beat his ass, then call me, and I will take him in." I think he was sick of coming out and trying to talk to him then too. ( Although now, they are actually friends)
We never did that either though.
Finally, I had had enough. At 17, I kicked him out of the house. I know many members here think that is awful, and that is ok.

Because guess what? It worked for him. After over a year of struggling, trying to find food and a place to sleep, he woke up.

I broke down this winter, when he sat in my living room, crying, and asking me how in the bleep I could still love him after everything he did. I told him I never stopped, and never would. And that I did feel guilty about kicking him out, and he said it was the best thing I could have done for him. The best part? He and my husband actually have a relationship after everything. I never thought that would happen.

Children don't come with an instruction book. Because every single one is different. Honestly, you never know what your going to get. And teenagers? Forgetaboutit!!!!
All you can do is love them. And sometimes, that means tough love. I spent so many nights, crying my self to sleep, wondering if he was ok. But, with this being a small town, I did have people that would let me know where he was, so that helped.

BTW, personally, I do believe a smack on the behind, is ok, once in a while. My oldest probably had 2 his whole life, and was a breeze as a teenager. My youngest may have had a few more, but we realized that didn't work for him, so then we tried the timeout, and removing toys, and other creative things. Which did work, until he hit about 11. Then nothing did, which is why we had him tested.

We made it though. There were many nights I didn't think we would. But we did. And I love them.

Without a combined front on discipline (those little talks) there is no unity in his mind and no need to change. He becomes confused and rebellious.

That combined effort on discipline is definately lacking in our family sadly. Even our closest family members and friends notice this.

Sadly and no matter how hard I have tried Mrs R refuses to discuss this (even after 15 years together) with me so now our son is sufferning this.

I even suggested councelling but Mrs R refuses this too.

I am actually in a very difficult and frustrating situation.

Kindest respects

Rodinus

I feel that every child responds differently to punishment.

Physical punishment may work for some, but not others. At the same time some children will respond better to talks and discussions, while others will benefit from being grounded/restrictions.

You have to discover what works for the individual child. It may be one of the aforementioned, or a combination of the discipline styles.

Also in my experience as a police officer, some children will not respond to any sort of discipline. They will either grow out of their bad behavior or not. This is a small percentage of society though.

Good luck.

a reply to: Rodinus

I am actually in a very difficult and frustrating situation.

I don't have a pat answer for you. I get your pain though, I am a product of this kind of rearing and am lucky to have survived it.

I can tell you that your wife is purposefully dividing the family to rule through the chaos. Manipulation as a means of control is a result of fear of rejection at its base, I think.

She is afraid that you don't love her, jealous of the love you have for your son and in denial about her insecurity.

She may be shallow and self serving, mindless of others feelings as long as she is in control. A control freak.

It plays out like this. Your son misbehaves in some way and when you try to help him understand or lay down the law, his mom will tell him, aww thats alright, don't mind him, he's just a mean crazy old man ( or some such). That last part is out off your earshot.

This enamors him to her and divides him against you. It is by intent and lowest of low manipulation. She is using your own child against you.

It took me decades to discover this about my own mother. I still have the fallout influencing what I do and the pain behind it. Mostly because the control and manipulation were secret in a family that ran itself by secrets, keeping them from each other and the wider world.

Maybe go to counseling by yourself?

sorry…

Sorry, double post…

I can tell you that your wife is purposefully dividing the family to rule through the chaos. Manipulation as a means of control is a result of fear of rejection at its base, I think.

She is afraid that you don't love her, jealous of the love you have for your son and in denial about her insecurity.

She may be shallow and self serving, mindless of others feelings as long as she is in control. A control freak.

It plays out like this. Your son misbehaves in some way and when you try to help him understand or lay down the law, his mom will tell him, aww thats alright, don't mind him, he's just a mean crazy old man ( or some such). That last part is out off your earshot.

This enamors him to her and divides him against you. It is by intent and lowest of low manipulation. She is using your own child against you.

It took me decades to discover this about my own mother. I still have the fallout influencing what I do and the pain behind it. Mostly because the control and manipulation were secret in a family that ran itself by secrets, keeping them from each other and the wider world.

Maybe go to counseling by yourself?

Thanks for your suggestions int.

You know, If you met my wife you would understand that she is not like that at all...

The problem is that sadly she cannot communicate or has an issue with communication and prefers the easier way out.

She is a wonderful, loving, caring mother and an equally wonderful, loving and caring wife.

I think that the problem lies in the fact that she will not let my son out of the nest so to speak and continues to mollycoddle him.

Kindest respects

Rodinus

a reply to: Rodinus

I see. Thanks for clarifying that. Its her insecurity, then? She's afraid you don't love her? You are fortunate to have a woman that loves you.

She does need to explain to you why she does that. And not just feign confusion. It is important. Your sons well being is at stake.

Try pushing that and see her reaction. If she gets angry she is being deceptive.

Just my experience with that issue.

I haven't had the opportunity until now to read and respond to everyone. I was lucky enough to be at my daughters college graduation. I'm so proud of her (although it took her longer than expected). She even received an award for community service. She was not expecting this. I'm very proud of her. It was only given to four graduates.

Sooooo....now, I'd like us all to get back to discussing our familyl issues. Like I've said before, I have some experience raising three girls. They're all adults now and doing well. I just have my 15 year old son left, who this far has not been a problem. I'm keeping my fingers crossed on this one!

Who knows how he'll turn out. But, I hope he does okay. I know we all wish nothing but greatness for our children.

A few days ago, one minor problem arose. His History grade fell from an A to a C. For me this is completely unacceptable. Especially, since he claims it's his favorite subject. A subject he's very very good at. One good thing that came out of his bad grade is responsibility. He actually accepted responsibility for his grade. Basically, admitting to "less than favorable" homework assignments he turned in. He admitted that he in fact was watching too much youtube and was putting his homework off which resulted in poor homework assignments being turned in.

I think I got under his skin somewhat. As we talked, he started crying. My son is 6' 1" tall and not the crying type whatsoever! I asked him why he teared up and he basically said that he was disappointed in himself and that a C for him was like "being the laziest person on Earth". Although, I wanted to get all soft and tell him it was ok, I didn't. I agreed with him and assured him that even though it's the fourth quarter....he can still score and bring his grade up. He takes an Advanced Placement/Honors course in History. Dual.

Not sure if he'll get a better grade, but I see him working harder because he wants too...not to satisfy his parents so much, but hopefully because he knows he can do a better job.

I learned something from him this time. To listen, be patient (more than I already am and that's a lot), point out errors and allow him time to fix those errors. Grades come out in June after school ends and I'll come back and update his progress or lack thereof.

Until then, how's everyone else doing?