Motherhood, Fatherhood and the Family

Hello All,

This thread is really a spinoff of another thread posted within this forum about basically, parenting. I will include the members link soon so you all can view.

I would like to ask these questions of any member(s) specifically parents of pre-teens/high school age. What the hell do we do with our children when they get out of line? You know like, when they start talking back...physically acting out and just generally showing no respect for authority...especially, your authority? Now, mind you, I'm a US citizen so this is kind of geared towards the US, but all are welcome. We in the US, have certain laws concerning what we can and can't do regarding OUR children. Some of the laws I find quite disheartening...others I find unnecessary and some laws are a "No Brainer", regarding child welfare.

Okay, so with that being said and as a mother of 3 grown daughters, I've had to fight for my maternal respect. I'm married for over 20 years (22 to be exact). I also have a 15 year old son who actually wrote on ATS tonight, concerning the thread I previously mentioned (which I will link).

You know, I personally, have not found motherhood HARD. I have found it DIFFICULT though. More difficult with my three daughters less with my 15 year old son...who's the baby by the way

So basically, I just wanted to start a thread for Mothers and Fathers to post their questions about raising a child. I'm no expert, I don't think any of us are however, many members of ATS have experience as parents. This experience is what I am reaching for.

For example, how many times have you had an issue with your son/daughter if not both and just sincerely wanted to ask advice on ATS. I know I have and so have some of you. Now, I'm not a perfect Mom and I never asked the ATS community for advice. Doesn't mean I didn't want to ask...I just didn't.

What say you all about making it comfortable for Mothers and Fathers to come to ATS and ask advice about issues we may have with our children? Of course, you would have to be somewhat open minded and read other members posts, which sometimes may not be friendly. All in all though, I think we could actually come together and communicate our issues and I think IMO, that it could possibly make us and our families stronger. ATS, is my second family. I may not post a lot or thread tremendously. However, the content is what matters here right?

Let's all get together and share our experiences and help one another. IMO, We are one of the most elite online communities. Why not open our hearts to each other? Besides, a little common sense, love and sensitivity never hurt anyone.

Soooo...what do ya think? Am I reaching, or is it possible that we share our child rearing experiences?

By the way, here's the heart felt thread that sparked my idea:
Parents of ATS I Need Your Help

Everyone in that thread really felt her pain. I personally, felt like she was reaching uncomfortably. IMO, she should not feel uncomfortable asking for advice of the ATS community. ATS members are awesome and I think we can help many other parents as well.

So now what? Do we go for it or am I dreaming?

All I know to say is Love them with all your Heart, and try to understand what their problem is.

Rather than yelling or whatever, find out the root problem and address it through civil discourse and make sure the kid knows you Love them first and foremost. Help them understand the world they live in with what you have learned. That's what parenting is all about anyhow isn't it?

This has always worked for me 100% of the time.
Other methods only seem to work sometimes.

originally posted by: ThePublicEnemyNo1

I'm no expert, I don't think any of us are however,

But you said that your 3 daughters are grown.
That means they survived your "Parenting".

Which pretty much makes you an expert in my book.
That's my personal criteria on being an 'expert parent'.

I ask one question "Are you kids alive?".

a reply to: muzzleflash

LMAO yes Sir, my daughters are all alive (thank the universe for them because, they almost didn't make it). That was an epic question!

As a matter of fact, I'm going to my oldest daughters college graduation in Fresno, CA on Saturday. She has accomplished what some have not. I'm proud..they're alive and I'm happy. I'm sure their happy they survived my wrath.

I thought that question was ultra cute

ETA
As for the comment you made prior...you couldn't be more correct. Love is the key, absolutely. However, sometimes love hurts...never should it be physically, but maybe sometimes emotionally. I know it sounds cruel, but it worked for me. I survived sweating like a pig the whole time raising my daughters, yet "we" kind of made it.

They have a long way to go and so do I, but I love them sooooooo much. My son is just an Angel...truly wise that boy is. Never hear a peep out of him. I got my eye on that boy though.

a reply to: ThePublicEnemyNo1

I read and participated in that thread. My bit was the worry approach is not helping.

I am linking your post in that thread because I found it compelling. I also noted how many people there starred comments about spanking (physically abusing) their kids. Now wonder the countries kids are so screwed up. They get that mental and physical abuse at school or elsewhere and they bring it home only to get more…

Striking their kids should be the last thing on peoples minds. Your son is very wise for his age. Good job rearing him.

By that I mean "guiding" him. I got your thoughts on that and I agree wholeheartedly.

You and your sons post…

www.abovetopsecret.com...

a reply to: ThePublicEnemyNo1

The issue is that dealing with problems with children "acting out" is like trying close the barn door after the horses have already left.

When you are fighting with a child with behavior issues, then the focus has shifted far too late.

The problem isn't with children acting out.

The problem stems from a lack of respect and discipline. What needs to be done is to negate the problem before it even becomes a problem by being consistent, by providing a stable home environment with rules and chores, and by keeping the line of communication open at all times.

Respect from a child doesn't come as a result of presents, or punishment.

Parents actually have to work hard to show that they are a role model for children to pattern themselves after.

Of course this is just my humble opinion on the matter. I would be remiss if I ever claimed that all parents should raise their children in the same manner as I do.

a reply to: ThePublicEnemyNo1

Such a shame that this thread is geared towards the US as usual ... we are an international bunch of members sharing ATS and I particularly would have loved to have feedback from other members about this issue.... But sorry, I will keep my nose out of issues that do not concern us non US members.

Especially as my 15 and a half year old son has just slammed the door on me and told me in no uncertain terms to fornicate off... even after all of the respect, tolerance and love that we have shared with him since he was born.

Child protection laws exist in other civilized countries too you know and are almost (or not the same) as stiff as US laws???

From a saddened NON US member.

Rodinus

a reply to: Rodinus

Rearing children is as international as ATS is, I think. Don't feel left out. My pre teen nephew has just been suspended for fighting with three kids in one day at his school. The love he received for that was a trip to Disneyland.

Fighting with three kids = Disneyland.

originally posted by: intrptr
a reply to: Rodinus

Rearing children is as international as ATS is, I think. Don't feel left out. My pre teen nephew has just been suspended for fighting with three kids in one day at his school. The love he received for that was a trip to Disneyland.

Fighting with three kids = Disneyland.

Its not a feeling of being left out intrptr... it is more a feeling of being "pushed" out for some of us international members here...

My apologies but I am so fed up with the way that if you are not from the USA then you do not matter.

Kindest respects

Rodinus

a reply to: intrptr

Thank you so much for that. That really strikes a special place in my heart.

Now let me gossip a bit about my kids. My 3 beautiful daughters are great. There's my other daughter that I spoke of in the other thread. She's so much like me she scares me to death dam near! She's the one with the famous Dad and she's also the one that would fight back...never breaking a fingernail (not sure if I should be proud of that....she doesn't fight now). She's so independent. So independent in fact, that I worry about her sometimes (I'm kind of the worrying type of Mom). She's actually cool. Lives on her own, but dropped out of college. She designs clothes and is making quite the stand around LA County.

My other daughter is in Philly attending a really great University. She's the one that got herself kicked out of the all girl school. So smart and beautiful. To me and those that know her she's bossy. She called me on Mothers Day and asked what her Dad and I were doing for Mothers Day? She had made reservations somewhere in Marina Del Ray, CA and paid for it...lol! By the time she called me, I was already in my backyard BBQ'ing ribs and chicken. She's a vegetarian
So, I had to tell her I was already busy and made plans to just stay home. So she calls her 2 sisters waking them up and asking them if they were coming to my house because I was cooking. One daughter was asleep, the other one is in Fresno. She's really incredible...an hour later, I received flowers at my doorstep wishing me a happy mothers day and to enjoy my BBQ. It was awesome.

My oldest daughter graduates college this Saturday. I'm so happy for her. Chemistry she thought would be hard, but she did it and now she's done. On her way to teaching middle school kids.

My son...plays the Double Bass, Guitar and Piano. He's pretty awesome. I'm probably protective of him because he's my only boy. The baby and he's very bright. He's so philosophical. I would like to think I'm philosophical, but compared to my son, he makes me look like mush.

I love them all. I love my husband who survived a household full of females before our son. Don't know how he did it but, he did. He's awesome too and I couldn't have done any of this without him. He's my rock. He can cook too.

How about you, do you have any children? I think this would be a great place to talk about our families

a reply to: Rodinus

I read this in the OP:

Now, mind you, I'm a US citizen so this is kind of geared towards the US, but all are welcome.

Now what were you going to say about Parenting in relation to the OP ?
Or did you just need a reason to post about not posting even though you posted anyway?

ATS in general needs to focus more on "Reading Comprehension"...can't say that enough.

Wow ,being a parent eh ...One of the first things I came to realize was that it was us (my wife and I ) made woopie and all of a sudden we had a human being .You say "our authority" as if we created them for us .I had thought about that but realized I was only responsible for them and really wasn't created to rule over anyone . It wasn't many years that I found myself reliving my own youth and joining them in some of the activities I would plant into their minds , sometimes with the help of the other half . The parents should become a lean mean manipulative machine ,because the kids somehow figured it out on their own .(the manipulative part that is )

I think that the way we were brought up and our education system has played a big part in our parents our selves and our children .Once being a teenager myself I like my parents and my own kids were misunderstood .My dad was like do as I say and not as I do ..He never spared the rod and would have been put into jail today .My approach with my own was more passive but I did demand that they respected other people .(not so much me) ...When they were victims of unfair things I shared that with them , and could always come up with a bigger instance of my own youth .ie. I would snowshoe over 2 miles to school ,so them having to sit in a place on the bus was really not that big of a deal .

My day's of raising kids are over but I have found the revenge I needed in my grand kids . Be patience parents because payback is a bitch lol ... a reply to: ThePublicEnemyNo1

I was a pretty good kid growing up, I only got in trouble a few times. Nothing really major. Know what my moms secret was?

If I acted up, backtalked or did something I was not supposed to, I got smacked. My dad worked all the time so he could not be the disciplinarian. Sometimes she would smack across the face, sometimes across the butt. Butt whoopings got to be less and less as I got older because spanking teenagers makes them even worse becasue they think you're treating them like a little kid, but mom still gave her smacks out like Evander Holyfield if you were out of line.

And God bless her for it.

She loved me enough to discipline me and guide me and yeah I realize hitting on your kids can get criminal charges filed by nosy people who always know better than you do when it comes to raising kids. Kids are just like dogs and cats in one sense. If you don't set any rules for them they think they can do whatever they want. They get disrespectful and mouthy. So set some kind of rules and make sure they follow them. Make them understand there will be some type of consequence if they don't because that's what life is, the consequences of your choices.

Lord knows I'm not perfect, but every time I see some kid mouthing off/calling names to their mom or dad in the store and the parent is trying to tell the kid to not talk like that I just want them to smack them right in their bratty little mouth just for dignities sake and just to get the kid to stop long enough to listen to them. Call me what you will but I totally believe in spare the rod and spoil the child.

In fact, I know of many adults that could use a good smack in the mouth to shut em up from time to time. Maybe America should do like the Polynesians and bring ass whoopings with a Ratan cane to the legal system.

I bet that would be a better deterrent for commiting a crime than three hots and a cot is.

And you're right OP, for some reason boys are easier to handle than girls. Girls are much more sneaky and manipulative.

originally posted by: beezzer
a reply to: ThePublicEnemyNo1

The issue is that dealing with problems with children "acting out" is like trying close the barn door after the horses have already left.

When you are fighting with a child with behavior issues, then the focus has shifted far too late.

The problem isn't with children acting out.

The problem stems from a lack of respect and discipline. What needs to be done is to negate the problem before it even becomes a problem by being consistent, by providing a stable home environment with rules and chores, and by keeping the line of communication open at all times.

Respect from a child doesn't come as a result of presents, or punishment.

Parents actually have to work hard to show that they are a role model for children to pattern themselves after.

Of course this is just my humble opinion on the matter. I would be remiss if I ever claimed that all parents should raise their children in the same manner as I do.

I totally agree with you...wholeheartedly in fact. However, sometimes for some parents including myself and my husband, you can provide stability, love and a sense of responsibility. Once the child is no longer at home (at school, sport practice, music classes etc.), they may make they wrong decisions.

I totally follow you on every point. My thing as a parent was/is my unwillingness to compromise. I never rewarded bad behavior. In our house, if you screwed up...that's that. Now unscrew yourself and stand tall, accept your faults and take responsibility for those faults. Many families don't hold their children accountable. With said families, it always seems to be someone else's fault.

I however, wasn't raised that way. If I screwed up, then I suffered and had to face it. I think that's missing nowadays.

We're on the same page...you're awesome

a reply to: Rodinus

…if you are not from the USA then you do not matter.

Thanks for that viewpoint. I get it.

Here we call that American Exceptionalism. You aren't mistaken. Its part of the problem with US, our kids and the world.

Interesting to note that spell check throws a flag on that word "Exceptionalism".

Even our dictionaries are in denial about it. If it helps you can see it that we think we are better than everyone and that makes us less than. Its actually flattering, but for the Humanitarian ends.

a reply to: muzzleflash

Oh... my apologies MF...

This is one big planet with parents in all countries and on ATS we are international.

End of debate out of respect to the OP and to avoid thread drift.

I have created a thread if you want to debate the way you feel about us NON US members whining.

Kindest respects

Rodinus

originally posted by: Rodinus
a reply to: ThePublicEnemyNo1

Such a shame that this thread is geared towards the US as usual

... we are an international bunch of members sharing ATS and I particularly would have loved to have feedback from other members about this issue.... But sorry, I will keep my nose out of issues that do not concern us non US members.

Especially as my 15 and a half year old son has just slammed the door on me and told me in no uncertain terms to fornicate off... even after all of the respect, tolerance and love that we have shared with him since he was born.

Child protection laws exist in other civilized countries too you know and are almost (or not the same) as stiff as US laws???

From a saddened NON US member.

Rodinus

No, no...no, I didn't mean it that way. I even stated that I was gearing towards folks in the US because those are the laws that I personally understand. I would love for everyone to be included...definitely. I sincerely want to hear what everyone has to say. Myabe our laws are similar, I don't know...but, I want to know.

No one is excluded. Please do contribute. I would love to exchange stories and resolutions. I didn't mean to offend anyone and if I did, I apologize. Please accept my apology if I came off as all knowing, that's not my intent.

Everyone's welcome

The US attitude is in a strong rebuke from a history lesson . a reply to: intrptr

a reply to: ThePublicEnemyNo1

I love them all.

I can tell. Quite a success story. Quiet inspirational. People know what they want if left to blossom and aren't imbued with fears and anxiety in their formative years.

Self esteem and self confidence are such delicate flowers at that age, easily derailed and suppressed. Parents take heed.

What you do to your kids is what they will do when they grow up.

a reply to: Rodinus

Rod, is your child your first?

My wife and I are both college educated. We are well spoken and have been successful in our careers. So when we had our first child, we thought we were well prepared.

Instead we ended up raising Hannibal Lector.

So when we had our second child, we knew right away to break his spirit and to keep him beaten down always.

(I kid, of course)

As far as this thread is concerned, I believe that Cain and Abel were also siblings with behavior issues.

It's been going on for quite a while, I think, and has no borders.

Regards,

beez