MKUltra.. Survival.. New Operations.. Questions!

I posted this in my introduction but think that it may get some better feedback here. So below is my original post..

Is there any way to KNOW if someone has been a part of this? I mean I've read some things on this and it really doesn't say much at all as to the effects these experiments had on the survivors! Then I wanna know why Watergate is mentioned when researching MKUltra but no mention of MKUltra in Watergate? What was Nixon really hiding?!?!?!? I can't believe I've never heard of this until now and I mention it to friends that usually are on top of conspiracies and they haven't either. Why was it buried so deep? Is there a list of facilities? Is there a list of members? I want everything there is to know about this!

So... Here's why:

I feel strange posting this. Mainly because the only thing that brought my attention to it is the movie The Banshee Chapter... Which I couldn't even make it 5 minutes into because it freaked me out! I love horror movies and thrillers. I'm not easily frightened by movies. But here I am wondering about MK Ultra and why does it bother me? I don't know if I should start with my own past or just jump forward to two years ago... So sure whatever. Maybe I am brainwashed. I live a successful life and I am happy with who I am. I believe the things that we have endured have shaped us into who we are and I love me. So why question this insane conspiracy although proven? Because of my brother... Two years ago I started having issues with my memory. Point A wasn't connecting to Point B. Working memory? I don't know. I went to my doctor. Had a million tests done. My memory is in the 99th percentile. So why am I forgetting things? They ran MRIs and found an anomaly. For those that don't know what that is... It's a section of brain cells that developed differently than the rest of my brain. They don't know why. My neurologist says that it's dormant and they are just going to continue annual MRIs. NO ONE KNOWS WHAT IT IS. But where it is... I should have problems with my speach but my vocabulary is above average. During all this. Numerous testings. Numerous scans. My brother went crazy. Before his episode he was rambling about '___'. The drug they used in The Banshee Chapter movie. I researched MK Ultra. Everything I read adds up to my brother's condition. Everything. He instantly (after this episode) had a fear of phones. He talks all crazy and feels like he's being followed. He won't come to my house and there's no reason for him to be fearful of my house. At one point he bought twenty prepaid phones and threw them away after he used each one. I didn't get it. I thought he was sick. They diagnosed him as bipolar schitzophrenic. He refused meds. They TAZED my non-violent brother in the mental institute when he refused to take them. Granted... Let's say he got violent which I doubt... He isn't a physically strong person. Tall but not strong. Napoleon Dynamite is his nickname just to give you a sense as to how unthreatening he is. Over the next two years, he did well on his meds. He did some strange things but was well or at least able to control his paranoia. BUT he bought plane tickets to the strangest places. New York. Denver. Never for long. He's an outdoor person so I can understand Denver. But why New York???? Time went on. He'd talk occassionally about his conspiracies and I listened. I just reassured him that should it all be true that we didn't have anything to hide. I'd tell him to let the government follow us or listen in on us. Trying to help him find comfort. During one of these conversations and while he was in decent mental health... He told me and looked me in the eyes (with human in them) that he would never kill himself ever. Well about a month ago. He left for Arizona and nearly died. Suicide. Drug overdose. Supposedly took all his meds to try and die. I've been interrogating my parents as to why they let him go. They just respond with there was nothing they could do. He is on civil committment. Has a case worker. And his case worker let him go!!!! Without question. Without making sure he was ok. He was acting strange in the days before he left. I begged my mom to stop him. So I fall upon MK Ultra recently out of no where. Start to wonder if my brother isn't crazy. Maybe he was targeted because of our abusive past. Maybe he was targeted becaue of our family's high intelligence. Then it hits me. I don't remember a thing from my childhood. All I know is I didn't want to be in my house. Eventually I was taken out and put in foster care. People ask me why I didn't want to be home and my only response is they were mean to me.

So my question... how can I help my brother? Is he really sick? Or is this him snapping in and out of something? Perhaps both? But why? I was the one that was abused the worst as a child and I am fully functioning... even with these "displaced brain cells."

I could go on and on with the things I have found in the last week. But I do NOT want to end up like my brother. We live in Wisconsin. I don't know much about the files that were found on MK Ultra nor do I know IF Wisconsin is tied to the project. However, Gaylord Nelson (WI Governor) is, and every governor since him is in some way tied to someone or something involved with the project. 90% of our governors went to UW Madison, and I find that disturbing especially cuz they honor Gaylord Nelson!

So... Post away but be nice!

reply to post by lilultra


Hi, I urge you to read this information. Go about halfway down the page and look for the paragraph that talks about "Utah prisons"....or just do a "control F" and search "Utah".

I've known about this for a while, and always wondered what I would do if I was experiencing something like what your brother is going through, or these prisoners were put through. The only solution that I could come up with would be something similar to a Faraday cage.

Let me know what you think about this, I'm curious if this seems like a logical explanation. Thanks and hope it helps.educate-yourself.org...

I don't think that there is any absolute confirming way to know if someone was impacted by MK-ULTRA or not. Most of the records for the programs under the MK-ULTRA program were destroyed in 1972. That basically makes identifying confirmed victims of MK-ULTRA really very difficult. Most of the ones that I'm aware of were patients of Dr. Ewen Cameron though I believe that there have been other instances that were confirmed through the courts via inference (Stanley v. US) or alternative record.

This is a subject near and dear to me as my grandmother, a military wife, was subjected to basically mind destroying levels of electroshock therapy and then "rebuilt" in 1964 after expressing distrust in the doctors at a military hospital and espousing fear of radiation induced cancer. That my grandmother became a national security leak was no secret in my family and hers was a cautionary tale for us. Heck, even have a photo of me as a teen with my ears, eyes and mouth covered by family members in an homage to "hear, see and speak no evil". Have all the military secrecy mantras stuffed in my head actually, lol, as odd as that sounds. Even in that kind of environment, MK-ULTRA never came up. Not even once and I was really terribly shocked when I stumbled across it several years ago. What Cameron did to his patients is precisely what was done to my grandmother in 1964.

Was she a victim of MK-ULTRA? No clue as there is no direct documentation of it. My mother tried obtaining my grandmother's medical record from the DoD after her passing and was refused. She tried a FOIA request and was refused again. That was pretty shocking. All we know is what happened to her. We don't know where it occurred as my mother was called home after her mother was released as her mother was rendered incapable of caring for herself for some time afterwards. The why (national security) was my grandfather's admission. However, zero direct evidence that she was. She was only likely to have been a victim. Destroyed or sealed records basically makes proving anything very difficult. On top of it, MK-ULTRA was purportedly ended in 1973. It was such a broad and far reaching project that it defies the imagination that all traces of it would've departed our research institutions after so many years of study.

As far as Watergate and how it relates to MK-ULTRA, this article, which is a copy of the original NY Times article from 1974 which prompted revelations of both MK-ULTRA and COINTELPRO in the year that followed. The site actually has a very interesting timeline of news articles that basically unfold with some surprisingly familiar names (ie. Cheney and Rumsfield), just click on the numbers to proceed through the timeline:

www.historycommons.org...

Overall, the Watergate scandal opened the door to further examination of intelligence agency activity that eventually led to the reveal of MK-ULTRA:
select.nytimes.com...

Hope this helps.

reply to post by WhiteAlice


Having known a survivor... Do you have any first hand knowledge of the effects on your grandmother's behavior/personality before, during, and after these experiments? Desensitization? Memory lapses? False memories? Bipolar type episodes? Trances? Sleep issues? Too much sleep? Insomnia? Triggers? That type of thing. I don't know much about my brother, but do know about myself. I'd ask about abuse allegations, but I'm guessing as she was an adult during these she wouldn't have been asked such questions as I have throughout the years.

Our family was also very much a "white picket fence" family as I put it. The things that happened behind closed doors (although I don't recall actual situations but rather just emotions) would have surprised anyone. I wish I could say everything that's happened but it's just so much! People don't believe me. Even after I was taken out of the home the things that happened are beyond comprehension. I will continue to accept my life is what it was because I was strong enough to handle it. But as I stated, I want to help my brother.

I'm going to take a look at these links and see what I can find. Thanks for your help!

By 1948/49 he graduated to monkeys, deliberately destroying their eardrums to enable them to pick up sounds without the eardrum intact.

This statement bugs me. My eardrums burst on a regular basis as a child. I'd wake up to blood covered pillows and pain in my ears. My brother eventually after suffering the same thing had to have tubes put in his ears around the age of 4.

What's the point? Why brainwash people? We all live to die. Should someone be able to do as such, they will never live long enough to benefit from it. It would be some other terrible person years down the line that would benefit.

I realize we can find ties to everything if we look hard enough and if we want something to be so that we can make it apparent. I'd like to think that my family isn't this sinister however they are proving to not be as caring as I had thought.

reply to post by lilultra


you may want to look into having a de-programmer take a look at your brother. there are people out there who have made it their job/mission to undo the work of programming installed in people via mk ultra style mind control. if this person truly is a victim of mind control one of the main techniques is the trauma based mind control. where handlers inflict a large enough amount of psychological damage which triggers a natural mechanism in a persons brain, the fracturing of their psyche. with the psyche fractured, the programmers proceed to use the newly fractured portion of the persons mind to program as they see fit. ie, vigilante programming, assassin programming, sexual programming. The thing is, a person's psyche can be split multiple, multiple times into many many compartments. Theoretically making it possible for some to have a large number of alters or compartments that are programmed without their knowledge. And from what I hear there are methods used today that are purely technology based where programmers don't need to fracture the psyche anymore or use trauma based mind control. it can be accomplished via ELF, where thoughts and ideas can be inserted.

what a de-programmer does is they are able to remove or re-integrate alters or compartmentalized portions of the mind back together. but, from what i hear that in itself is a long and arduous process. there are usually protective measures put in place by programmers to prevent a person from having their programming removed. granted there are ways around this, but, for example i've heard of people being in the process of de-programming only to have suicidal behavior be triggered so memories couldnt be retrieved. it can be a tricky business from what i've read.

also might want to consider hypnosis regression. that might make it more apparent if he's actually suffering from being programmed.

reply to post by CallmeRaskolnikov


How would you go about finding someone you could trust for either of these? I've been asked to do hypnosis by a therapist I trusted and walked out that day and never returned. I feel that if I could uncover some of my own past whether it be part of MK Ultra or not that it may help my brother but I don't want to change who I am. Hypnosis was suggested for PTSD and they wanted to "insert" a happy moment into the traumatic ones and I wasn't okay with altering my memories because I don't have them all. I want to save what I have as is. It would be very hard to get my brother to do something like this. And tricking him may be detrimental. so.. Where do you even start? Is it expensive or are there ppl that do it for free?

reply to post by lilultra


Her condition from when I knew her was never "normal". She was intensely quiet, very seldom spoke, and her hands tend to shook. I have no idea of what her world was like because she was so silent. What I do know is that she wasn't that way before but would've been better described as a bit of a fireball. My grandfather used to keep one of her old photo albums of when my grandmother was younger locked in his desk and talked to me about what she was like before. She was really a radiant personality. In old large group family photos, she'd be the one in the group with a big grin on her face and her arms across her chest, looking the picture of defiance amongst all the dour/solemn faced rest of the family. She was a poet, too. I never knew that woman as this happened to her before I was born. All I knew was what was left and she was so closed off and remote that it's like I didn't know her at all. She was just the mysterious person who would rub my head during my headaches.

My family was "white picket fence" as well with both mental, emotional and physical abuse behind the front door. I don't think that's what got her selected. I think her being upset about what was done to a friend of hers who had died of cancer got her selected. That my grandfather was the one who handed her over, however, really says a whole lot in my book. I think that, in cases where such extreme psychological abuses occurred, it's pretty darn likely that the home environment contains an individual that has some psychopathic attributes because how else could a person do that to somebody they love?

Something was done to me as well but I do not know from whence it originated. I had near total amnesia of the first 12-13 years of my life. I had a whopping two memories for that entire time period. The issue was detected when I was 16 so this memory loss wasn't related to aging. I was diagnosed with dissociative amnesia. I spent decades of my life presuming that my dissociative disorder was simply a result of an extremely abusive childhood environment. However, that got completely thrown out of the window a few years ago when I had a disturbing recollection of being subjected to tapes when I was 18. I'd completely blocked that memory. Luckily for me, I had access to my mother's house and she's an unmotivated pack rat. I had recalled where she had kept the tapes and sure enough, one of them was still sitting in the same drawer after all of these years. It is a custom made subliminal hypnosis tape under lyrical music and other noise. Highly unethical. I tracked down the doctor's name on the tape itself and found him to be a powerful nobody in the field of neuropsychiatry. I will not post his name out of fear because I don't know just what I'm dealing with. That's my reality and, unfortunately, I can hold that reality in my hands and know that it really happened.

In terms of "whodunit", I tend to place the weight of the blame where the most evidence lies. In my case, I have very little evidence of wrongdoing on the part of any federal entity and a whole lot of evidence that this was originated by my family. Considering what occurred to my grandmother in an effort to control her and my grandfather's complicity in it, it's only logical that, should an individual know of extreme methods of altering a person and has had a history of using them, then it's likely they'd use it again. He also certainly had the clout to make it so as he was high ranking in the military and the motive to do so would also be there as we are talking about an intensely dysfunctional, abusive, and preoccupied with appearances household. For those reasons and more, I perceive what happened to me as being unsanctioned by the US government.

This is the other reason why I responded to you. I saw that you, too, have a large section of memory loss like mine and like you, my memory is nearly eidetic. I was also born in Wisconsin so that's one heck of a coincidence. I was born near Fort McCoy. Likewise, I had a great deal of difficulty with people questioning whether my family was what it was because they are so appearance conscious. Most people perceived us as the perfect and ideal family. However, when social workers became involved, they stated that, after watching the interactions for 5 minutes that led me to walk out of the appointment, my family was the most dysfunctional that they had ever seen in their 20 years of experience as a social worker.

I can tell you much more about what I experience. Bouts of insomnia, disrupted sleep patterns (I don't enter deep sleep), a history of an altered state of consciousness from regression to a child-like state, simply losing consciousness altogether, or a complete fugue. Recollected memories are of a "snapshot" nature or "totally blind" where I may have body memories plus emotions or emotions but no visuals. I've only been recollecting things for the past few years and hence my memory is intensely fractured. I am thoroughly desensitized and depersonalized though both of these have improved since the process of recollection began those few years ago. So far, I have had no false memories. Everything, ironically enough, has been confirmed by either independent confirmation (looking for images of places recollected online for comparison of accuracy) or through my parents themselves. Go figure. They are not saints on the subject and instead have had a long history of obfuscation and outright lies. I am grateful, however, that they are fessing up when cornered.

Like I said, MK-ULTRA was a huge project and was in at least 80 institutions across the US with god even knows how many researchers involved. Even when the program ended, it's so very unlikely that the impacts on research and the researchers just ended. In a lot of ways, I think much of what was being researched in MK-ULTRA was probably continued to be researched post-program end but simply rebranded to having a beneficial use. My tape, however, is ugly and not a single person who has ever listened to it has thought it was a "good thing". Some even have gone so far as to call it demonic.

I get really mixed on what to say on this subject when confronted with individuals with similar experience. What I do know is that some of what was done did actually lead to schizophrenic breaks. The Creativity movement also picked up on the whole lsd and hypnosis thing. I've found scholarly documentation of that which also documents that dissociation and even schizophrenia were sometimes the result in 1975--two years after MK-ULTRA was officially ended (source: John Curtis Gowan, Trance, Art and Creativity). Hence why I say that MK-ULTRA subject matter was likely to be altered to other uses. When one has spent years researching the effects of a specific drug or procedure, it's really unlikely that one is going to flush that personal investment down the toilet because a program ended. In terms of your brother, if he was using '___', it could've very well generated a schizophrenic break.

P.S. after finding my tape, my trust in the fields of psychology and psychiatry were irrevocably shattered. A good friend of mine who is a psychologist and who examined the contents of the tape said as much himself. In his mind, that alone was criminal.

reply to post by lilultra


that i think is the hardest part. finding someone who you can truly trust with your mind. i don't blame you for not wanting the hypnosis to replace one of your memories with "a more pleasant one". that seems scary. also i would be worried that only more programming would be installed during the session, but maybe that's just paranoia. if you google "de-programming the mind" you'll find a bunch of links. the number of people that do this kinda work is very small however. if you were going to go the hypnosis recovery route, obviously it might be wise to have the session recorded and perhaps a friend or family member in the waiting room. the experience itself could be traumatic.

i'm going to send you a PM...

reply to post by WhiteAlice


I had to stop reading your response for a second because it was getting a little strange.... this.....

However, when social workers became involved, they stated that, after watching the interactions for 5 minutes that led me to walk out of the appointment, my family was the most dysfunctional that they had ever seen in their 20 years of experience as a social worker.

EXACT same thing in my juvenile records. I was born MN though. We moved to WI when I was 8. I remember emotions prior to the move. Always scared. Always hiding. My parents had foster kids. And me and my sister were known around the neighborhood cuz we would "runaway" from a young age and the neighbors would see our parents looking for us. The running away... I don't remember... That's what I was told. I got a migraine that lasted a month when we moved to WI. I was kept out of school the first week or two. I don't have anymore memories until around 13. When I ran again. I spend a good 1-2 years running. Memories are solid when I was removed from my home. I had one more lapse at 17. After my car accident. Which I remember the accident in detail. I remember the following two days. Then I don't remember again until summer.

Sleep.... I slept all the time. My foster mom thought something was wrong with me I slept so much. Always with one eye open. Seems cliche but it's true. Then right around the time when I started seeing a neurologist because of memory, I went six months without sleeping. I don't know what I did at night all I know is I never fell asleep. Maybe an hour? But nothing more. I looked at the time often. Okay. So I'm sure I have much more... but that's it for now.

I was in "auto-pilot" for those six months...

As a teen I never talked during therapy. Never. I sat there and stared at the therapist and disassociated myself from the environment. For years and years. I wonder if they ever really knew why I needed out of the house? Because I never talked. At least not to a psychologist or county worker... Thank you for sharing with me! There is a lot of similarities that is extremely strange! I am in the Green Bay area.

reply to post by lilultra


Thanks for clarifying on the Wisconsin thing. Was a little perturbed by that one, lol.

I came close to being removed from my parent's home one time but my mother was allowed to talk to me alone and convinced me that I was better of there. I was naive enough to believe that one and recanted on the reasons for the bruises on my cheek and fat lip. Between that and the perfect home/perfect family routine, CPS bought it completely. Huge mistake on my part because if I had gotten out of there, I would've never been exposed to what happened to me just a few years later (the tape).

I had to be hospitalized for lack of sleep after a period of insomnia lasted long enough where it became dangerous. I think it was after a little over a week of zero sleep that I walked into the er for help as prescription sleep meds weren't working. It took an overnight hospital stay and 5 different prescription sleep drugs (including halcion) to finally knock me out. They kept me overnight because it was dangerous or, as the administering doctor put, they gave me enough drugs "to put down a horse". Even with that, I slept 8 hours and awoke with such a startle response from the nurse touching me to put on a bp cuff that I had a spraying nosebleed. Fun stuff.

A sleep study was performed on me and what they came up with was that my sleep had become so disrupted as a child that it became my sleep pattern. Basically, the environment was so turbulent around the clock that I'd be woken periodically through the night. Neither of my parents denied the truth of this. I understand very much the fear and practice of hiding. When I regress, it's always violence that drove me there and the first thing I do is hide. Usually in a closet, curled up in a fetal position against the wall behind the clothes. Thankfully, I'm no longer in an environment where I get driven into that state. I, like many victims of abuse, had my stints in a history of abusive "romantic" relationships. I'm guessing that, based on your description of sleep issues, yours developed for similar reasons. In a sense, it's the natural and perhaps logical response to a wretched childhood existence.

I'm fully aware that my story is strange. It's now my curse but know that I am not the type of person that would mess with others on such a serious subject. I've been messed with and tampered with enough to know that such things only destroy the person in a thousand little ways. I used to actually be a debunker so it's a bit of karma, I suppose.

wow, the number of red-flags in both of your stories is astounding. you both have some of the hallmark attributes of victims.
Military family connections, foster families, long bouts of insomnia, specific amnesia, feeling disassociated, feelings of being on "auto-pilot" and the list goes on. I'm wondering do you guys ever find yourselves being "triggered"? Like say, a sudden/drastic change in behavior/personality that is noticeable to others? Perhaps, from certain movies, images, language etc?

MK may have "officially" ended in he 70's but, there's not a doubt in my mind that that research continued and is still being continued. People are still coming forward claiming to have been victims of MK style abuse well into the 90's. Not to mention the fact that I see MK programming triggers way too often in the mainstream media.


I'd like to do the hypno-regression myself because of my own personal issues with disassociation and trauma from a young age (actually have a number of things in common with you lilultra in that regard) but, the prospect of actually going through with it scares the hell out of me.

The only trigger I have been able to identify is emotions (positive and negative) trigger the disassociation. I've been fighting it lately. It won on Monday. But I took it back a couple hours later.

I don't know if I have any connections to military other than my Grandfather (who on his death bed took all his energy to grab my bf at the time and tell him, "You really need to take care of that one." Pointing at me. My bf said I know. And my Grandfather respond "No No You really need to take care of her. She needs it." It occurred to me recently that no one will ever say that to someone about me again. He knew I was treated badly.

I do also know that my father is at genius/prodigy level. Why he isn't anything more than just a local engineer is beyond me. He hides a lot. Makes himself look poor. But never hides his intelligence. I always joked in High School that the CIA should pick me up to de-code things. I can work patterns like crazy and my dad is smarter than me.

Am also strangely perceptive to music claps. And have a horrible fear of cotton. Don't ask. I'm just saying it like it is.

Check out this video. It may give you some clues as well.www.youtube.com...=37

As far as triggers, shouting/aggressive behavior is a pretty strong one even if it isn't directed at me. I once basically dropped into a near catatonic fetal lump on a downtown city sidewalk when a street fight broke out in front of me. It only happens when it's in my physical vicinity. I have no problem watching action movies. Flashing lights are a significant problem and I was tested for epilepsy because, if sustained, they'll eventually reduce me down to the equivalent of weeping jello. However, no seizure activity was detected--just emotional. In terms of body, touch my neck or hold my wrists and I'll probably hurt you. Serious issues with those body parts. I can't wear bracelets, turtlenecks, closely tied scarves, or chokers. Necklaces have to reach past the clavicle. Light aggravation will cause my throat to constrict and a mild choking sensation. Big trigger and I'll be gurgling and struggling to breathe in a total panic. Oddly enough, the tape I found actually triggered the neck issue in a very bad way.

Haven't noted any triggers from movies or specific words outside of "I remember". That triggers off Fleetwood Mac's Tango in the Night. Always had actually. I just have to think "I remember" and then next thing that pops into my head is "when the moon is full and bright". The music used in the tape I found was that album and that was occurring before I recollected and found the tape to be very clear.

Hypnoregression was attempted on me. I went under very easily, recollected an event (parents in slugging matches) the first two times and then hit a kind of black and white mental fan on the third attempt. Therapist said I was "blocked" and stated that there was no point in trying again because it would not work. That was when I was 17. Have never tried again. The way it's done is rather slick. The suggestion is made that the events, although they may seem like they are happening now, are actually in the past and cannot harm me, etc etc. I basically recollected my dad taking a candlestick to my mom's face and came out of that recollection without feeling distress though I was screaming my head off in it. My childhood was really great. lol

That's the one thing that I always try to keep in mind though. I did witness some pretty awful things. That I'm certain of and many of my behaviors are pretty consistent with someone who has been heavily traumatized by violence. At the same time, I've seen scholarly discussions about the potential of children in abusive settings (that "flavor" was positive disintegration and their having a higher potential, through crises, for self awareness....). I could also see military application for it because you could have basically people who are capable of responding to a crisis without emotional defect. Things like that make it more complex and why I stick with seeing what bubbles upward from the depths and hope that those crucial things weren't obliterated through the brainwashing that I did experience.

Also, I was never placed into a foster home. CPS was effectively blocked by my family. There are anomalies in regards to my birth certificate, however, which I was told didn't even exist. My parents lied to me and said that it was destroyed in a courthouse fire (which never happened--god bless the internet). I had a notice of birth registration until 2008 when my mother "magically" procured a birth certificate for me. The birth id numbers on the two documents are different. When I called to investigate, I was immediately transferred to a specialist who said she couldn't talk to me and then referred me to adoption research services. That woman was concerned that I was possibly a black market baby but called back several hours later saying that she found my birth certificate. Why the subterfuge? No clue but when I can afford it, I'm getting a DNA test done to be certain once and for all about who my parents are and if they are actually my parents.

I also apparently cannot obtain a copy of my medical record. When I first called my former insurance company, the woman happily said that it would be $.05 a page and balked at the size of it. I said "no problem". A few minutes later, she told me that she couldn't give me a single page of it. I actually very much needed it and ended up sobbing. Women called back 30 minutes later and had taken pity on me. "One page sent to where it needed to go and that was it so pick the right thing." So I can't get my own medical records, not a single sheet of it, not a blood test result--nothing and I don't even know why.

Those two things are definitely in the anomaly pile.

Aggression disassociates me instantly and I stand between it. People I dont, I've been know to stand between two guys punching. Would that be a trigger?

wow, whiteAlice & lilulra those are some heavy backgrounds. so many things jumping out of your stories. i mean even the name white alice is reminiscent of "alice in wonderland, white rabbit" programming.

aggressive behavior can certainly be a trigger. lilultra, it seems odd that at the sight of physical violence between strangers, you would throw yourself in the middle of it. that just seems more like you have a protective nature and can't stand to see people get hurt. i can relate to you with that one. it's the disassociation aspect that's worrisome though. but, i guess that can just be a conditioned response acquired over the years due to what you've witnessed and endured when you were younger.

but, what jumps out at me even more is the musical trigger you (WhiteAlice) described. "i remember" leading you to "when the moon is full and bright". i mean most people have similar "call and response" reactions when it comes to certain scents or songs. For example when I smell lemon cleaners I'm always brought back to recalling my experiences in hospitals. Or when I taste a particular food it will bring me back to a certain time. But, I believe what your describing to be different. It just really reminds me of a trigger phrase, or an activation phrase. Literally comparable to The Manchurian Candidate. Person gets a call, handler says "i remember" and the response is "when the moon is bright and full". That response phrase triggering in you a pre-programmed behavior, emotional response or series of actions. This is not only used though to initiate programmed behavior but, also to continually re-embed programming or keep alters in check.

the sensitivity to certain parts of your body being restricted obviously directly related to trauma. none the less those can be triggers too. As for the flashing lights, that jumps out as well and I would say absolutely another trigger. Especially, if like you said, they would reduce you down to weeping jello. Makes me think, interrogation. You basically just described a trigger that initiates aggressive behavior and one that immobilizes you or incapacitates you. That is serious.

you also state your hypnotic-regression doc literally said you have a "block" and wouldn't even attempt to deal with it, which is actually quite surprising as well. you'd think that they would at least approach that "block" with you and work on it. I thought that was part of the point of regression, removing and dealing with those "blocks" and recovering lost/hidden/blocked memories from past traumatic events.

and then the birth records and medical records. the id's being different again not normal at all. i couldn't imagine being refused access to ones own records. it boggles the mind. there should be no issue with that what so ever. it's your right to have access to your records. but, like you said there are places out there that will do DNA tests if you send in a cheek swab. i know that for example there are services like ancestry that for 100$ will tell you your lineage, genealogical relatives and such. so if i were you and having issues obtaining my own medical records i would go the same exact route. get my own personal DNA work done. It would be worth the cash just to shed a little more light on your situation. Did they ever actually give you a reason WHY they couldnt give you a single page of your own medical history? Have you tried perhaps your primary care physician for obtaining your records? If you have one, it could be worth a shot if you haven't already tried. I could just imagine if i were in that situation it would absolutely infuriate me to no end. And it seems really rather odd that your mother would lie about the courthouse fire. Leads me to believe shes with-holding from you. I mean that seems pretty apparent. i sympathize with you. it's a really difficult position to be put in and cope with.

I think self-education is paramount in both of your cases. knowledge can be empowering...

Here are some helpful resources for learning about Mind Control: (taken from evelorgen.com...)

Fritz Springmeier: pentracks.com
The Book The Illuminati Formula to Create an Undetectable Total Mind Controlled Slave

Cathy O’Brien: trance-formation.com
The Book TRANCE Formation of America

Freeman: freemantv.com

Mark Passio: whatonearthishappening.com

Alfred Webre: exopolitics.com

Armen Victorian: Mind Controllers

LW deLaurence: HYPNOTISM

John Lovern: Spin Programming: A Newly Uncovered Technique of Systematic Mind Control

wanttoknow.info: Subliminal Behavior Modification Through TV, Computer, US Patent #6,506,148

rexresearch.com: Subliminal Suggestion and Mind Control Patents

Unplug the Signal: by pupaganda.com

"
Eve Lorgen

Author, Researcher and Consultant in Anomalous Trauma. Offering Hypnotherapy, Coaching and Telephone Consulting Services.
Articles and Topics of Interest

Anomalous Trauma
Paranormal & Anomalous Trauma Coaching and Hypnotherapy (PATCH)
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
Sexual Abuse
Anxiety & Depression
Trauma & Addictions
Verbal & Emotional Abuse
Narcissistic Abuse
Dangerous Relationships
Boundaries
Compassionate Communication Skills
Developing Inner Empathy
Deepen Your Soul Connection for Life Empowerment

"

Alice.... Aw.... Alice.... I was once asked by a complete stranger that I barely talked to. Met on myspace. Didn't know them. They asked me to write a poem describing myself... here is what it is and a link to the rest of my writing. For some reason I feel compelled to write everything I remember from my life. Like a life purpose! It must be done!

Alice
Chapter 23 — Updated Sep 21, 2009

Running through the forest
Of a world unknown to me
Wanting to break out of darkness
Wanting to be free
Through the breeze of confusion
Just a girl's soft blonde hair flows
Her blue eyes intently searching
For something they already know

She seems to be comfortable
Sometimes she seems free
But deep down she knows
She knows she has a lot yet to see

She tries to not listen
To those who don't understand
She tries to forget
But finds it is hard in the end
Their words are so hurtful
She tells them to let go
But people keep telling her
Of this world she doesn't want to know

Out of darkness she tries to walk
Into the light of true peace
But where does she belong
In this new world she knows in the least

She finds a past that continues to haunt
Of all the things she has done wrong
Of things she wishes she could forget
From a past to which she no longer belongs
Mystery runs wild
Among these trees she now sees
Obscurity runs rampant
But to happiness she now flees

Copyright 2009 by Jean Ann Townsend ©

My Goodreads Writing Page

I mean most of what I have experienced can be attributed to trauma and abuse. My brother did not experience a lot of the MAJOR trauma I experienced though.... And we had very similar physical/neurological/etc... issues as children. Sleep walking. Hallucinations at young ages like 4-5. I have kids now and I could never see them doing the things my brother did! Like chasing balls around the house that were not there trying to catch them. Much like a cat and a lazer. Without of course the physical sight of a lazer.

I never thought on triggers. I just know that for the past couple years I have fought my disassociation and desensitization without really even knowing why. I tell myself over and over. I want to feel. I need to feel. I need to remember. All could be explained by abuse I suppose. And even the regressive memories could have happened because of the abuse. Numbers. You give me any number I will NEVER forget it. However give me a task to do and if I don't write it down, I'll forget until weeks later...