Never underestimate a woman's desire to be mistreated.

reply to post by dave_welch


It is called Psychological Dependency.

Though this is typically after a couple has been together for a while.

It is kind of funny but I just happened know Many females that would Never submit to the
likes of a dependant relationship.

For example:

Ann Coulter
Judge Judy
Anita Bryant
and the list goes on and on and on.

reply to post by Iamschist


Well, I'm cursed with being empathetic. It's something I can't change. If someone near me is hurting, I'll feel it, sometimes I'll be down with no reason, then I'll find out that something has happened to a close friend or family member. My mother is the same type of person, and I guess I inherited that from her. Unfortunately, this also tends to make me the "advice guy" the problem with all of this, is nobody ever asks me how I am.

That's why I come here, people her genuinely seem to want to help, and that in itself helps.

Another thing I'd recommend to you is to ask for advice in this forum, you will receive some good advice if you ask the right questions.

first thing comes to mind... nice guys finish last .

it's funny the people that we attract and are attracted to usually that will never change . i have seen it with friends and everyone around me . and it does work both ways for women and men as i see the same things always happening to them.

how ever this seems like you had more then just friends feelings with her . did you even try to make a move on this woman. guess the angle of being a nice friend had back fired in your face . how about next time you plant a kiss on her lips and make your stand. nice guys can finish first. nice guys needs some balls and show their affection other wise they will all just keep slipping like a wet bar of soap.

reply to post by freedomSlave


Well, at the bottom of the first page you'll see that I did, and at the time it seemed like it worked out finally. I don't know which direction to turn. I don't think I'll be able to figure out the right course of action until I can talk to her, the only problem with that is catching her at home when he's not around.

Secondly, the whole nice guy thing isn't an angle. It's who I am. I treat everyone the same, I don't do it to get laid or anything like that.

If I hurt someone, it hurts me as well, that's why I try not to do it. I envy people who can go through life without giving one thought to the feelings of others.

reply to post by dave_welch


I can relate to quite a few of the things you say.

I would suggest that you talk to the woman in question (as you said you would) and lay all your cards on the table.

If she is actually in an abusive relationship as you mention (whether physical or emotional) it's not a simple matter for such women to just leave their partners.

Don't let the current situation fill you with cynicism. Talk to her and offer your support. Be decisive but not forceful. I wouldn't try to make any demands of her or criticise her right now. But you do need to know how she truly feels and where you stand in this whole situation.

...hahah...it's a shame I can't take some of my own advice sometimes.

reply to post by Kram09


Man, I agree. I just can't seem to catch her by herself. If he's there, it will end up in a fight. Especially if he knows about what happened on the fourth. I'm not afraid of a fight, but I'm afraid that I'll severely harm him and end up in jail.

reply to post by dave_welch


ahh you did indeed sorry missed that post ( kids can be a distraction at times )

Not saying using the nice angle to get laid just meant nice guys have to me more assertive of their feelings and you were .

you do seem to be distancing yourself from her might be a good thing . or if you do want to be with her who cares she is in a relationship , if she isn't happy then i see no problem .

reply to post by freedomSlave


Well, I'm not distancing myself, just trying to keep things civil. And I think she isn't happy, and that is a problem. Whether we're together or not, we're still friends, and I don't want any of my friends going through that kind of stuff if I can help it.

It's not her kids that I'm talking about when I say that I can't catch her alone. It's him, if he's there, then I can't really say anything about it to her, can I? Also, if he's there and he knows what's been going on, who knows what he'll do. I'm not worried about what he may try to do to me, it's what he may to do her or her kids that I'm worried about.

reply to post by dave_welch

I'm not afraid of a fight, but I'm afraid that I'll severely harm him and end up in jail.

Well if I was you, I'd avoid that scenario at all costs. If you physically attack him, I doubt that that will endear yourself to her.

I'm sure it is incredibly difficult having to contemplate the notion that someone you deeply care about may be suffering at the hands of someone else, be it physically or emotionally, but you must try to be patient and avoid violence.

reply to post by Kram09


Exactly, however that's also a problem. Patience is something that I have a bit of trouble with in certain situations, especially this one. I just need to find out what I can do about it.

reply to post by dave_welch


I went thru this several years ago with a severely abused woman , we lasted about a year before she ran back to her abuser. You must understand most that go back to the abuser have Stockholm syndrome, they relate and sympathize with their abuser (brainwashing at its best). It isn't something you should beat yourself up about,but if you encounter this again you may want to educate yourself on how to deal with reconditioning / counseling the abused.

reply to post by dave_welch

Exactly, however that's also a problem. Patience is something that I have a bit of trouble with in certain situations, especially this one. I just need to find out what I can do about it.

Well, let's just say I considered - and suppose still consider - myself a "nice guy" (whatever that vague term really means) yet found myself in a very frustrating situation with a girl. Eventually the situation built up and I ended up losing it completely and saying a lot of hurtful things which I have since regretted. The girl in question cut me out of her life.

Basically what I'm saying is that if I'd have shown some patience in that moment of frustration, then perhaps I wouldn't have lost a friend who I cared about.

Incidentally I had suspected that this friend might have been in an abusive relationship. However my suspicions were very tenuous and arguably baseless. Something didn't feel right to me anyway. However I made the grave mistake of mentioning this to her, when attempting to reconcile with her and apologise. Suffice to say I probably only succeeded in making myself look like a lunatic.

meet her for coffee at a local coffee shop . get what you need to get off chest . unless the guy doesn't let her go out with friends.

wish you the best of luck really do... life is to short for pain and suffering .

ETA or maybe they guy needs a good azz whoppin and told how it is sometimes this last resort is needed

reply to post by dave_welch


How to help a friend who is being abused

Yes there is plenty of information available on the internet about supporting friends who are in such situations.

Originally posted by dave_welch
reply to post by billdadobbie

 

Neither have I. I gave up on the online thing a couple of years ago after meeting too many crazies. Normally though, especially in this most recent case, I get to know them long before going further.

Honestly, in this case it may not be her fault. The guy she's with has threatened her with several things before. Whether she wants to be with me or not, she is my friend, and I can find no way to help her here. That's driving me fracking bananas.

a female friend of mine is the same despite her boyfriend smashing all her windows and ending up in jail when she finished with him they are now back together . i gave up on all that and i am now happier than ever on my own .

nobody to answer too no arguements and no hassle i am one happy hermit should have stayed a virgin

reply to post by Kram09


Thanks for the link!

reply to post by dave_welch

Whether she wants to be with me or not. I don't want to see my friend go through that, but right now, her phone is broken and the only way I can get a hold of her is to just go over there. But, if I go and he's there, I'm afraid of what I'll do to him. What can I do?

You don't do anything.

You stay away, leave her alone and find someone who's not damaged to move forward with.

Otherwise, you're asking for your own vicious cycle of frustration and deserve what you get.

reply to post by dave_welch

I don't think I'll be able to figure out the right course of action until I can talk to her, the only problem with that is catching her at home when he's not around.

You act like she doesn't have a way to get ahold of you or leave her home.

If you haven't heard from her, there's a reason.

reply to post by dave_welch


Funny you should make a thread about this. My daughter is currently going through a break-up with her boyfriend of 2 years. The guy was a LOSER! He broke-up with her, but she is having a hard time letting this idiot go. Everyone in the family has told her it was the best thing that could happen to her considering everyone knew what a lazy and unmotivated leech he was. He didn't work, and mooched off his parents and my daughter. The guy would never make a presence in our house except maybe on a holiday. I found that odd to say the least. My daughter would make up excuses saying he was depressed. What does that have to do with coming around our house and showing some consideration for my daughter and respect for her parents? She doesn't want to listen to anybody and is holding onto hope that they will get back together. (I'm keeping my fingers crossed hoping he finds someone else!)

We have 2 other young women in the family who have also dated deadbeat a$$holes. They were also blinded by love until the relationships finally ended. What's amazing, is all three of them are knock out gorgeous, and could probably get any guy they wanted, but they still settle for these disrespectful and immature jerks. No matter what anybody tells them, they ignore the obvious. The last thing I would want to see, is my daughter getting married to someone who doesn't have the motivation to provide for his family. Not to mention, giving any kind of respect or consideration to my daughter. I would hate to see her waste her life on a deadbeat and find out later she made a big mistake.

I have to wonder sometimes what goes through the minds of some women.

reply to post by Deetermined


That's because she doesn't.