A Parent's Worst Nightmare Come True: The Death Of My Daughter

Originally posted by BlackDove
Remembrance:

Originally posted by SecretKnowledge
reply to post by OldCorp

 

the birth of an angel...

I have never thought of it like this. Thanks, it is a comforting thought.

Originally posted by OldCorp

I lost my daughter on Monday. She was only 24 years old, and she was the light of my life. Since I found out she was gone, I've been in Hell. I've alternated between blood-curdling screams, uncontrollable sobbing, and states of sheer numbness. I haven't lost a close family member since my father died when I was 13. I wasn't expecting grief to be a tangible thing, something you feel deep in your chest threatening to tear outyour soul. It's almost too much to bear.
...
This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life...

I'm so, so sorry. You are right; this is the hardest thing you've ever done or will probably ever do in your life. There is no logic that can be applied here and, unfortunately, your daughter's mother has made sure to deny you even the small comfort of death's routine.

The pain you're feeling is the worst life has to offer; worse than death itself. Make no mistake, grief is a living thing, a monster that tears out your guts. It's persistent too; it'll visit you later, when you least expect it. That is a hard truth. But it's okay, because ultimately, grief ends, but this is only the beginning of your girl's eternal life.

I'm glad you included a picture of your daughter; she is gorgeous and laughing, full of life and light. Perhaps you can find some comfort in the fact that her picture will turn many of our hearts and minds to thoughts of her in these hard days, and every thought helps to keep her alive in some sense on this earth. Her picture is too lovely to forget. I will hold you and your beautiful daughter in my thoughts and prayers, and will plant a tree along the Missisippi River in her memory, and speak her name to the earth, the air, the fire, and the water, which are all places God lives.

As for your daughter's mother, the rage and pain must be maddening. I wish you peace, and more peace, and yet even more peace. Keep the circle of you and your daughter closed to that woman's wickedness and meddling. She can not intrude unless she's let in. And rest assured that she will reap what she has sown. So it will be done. Close your mind and your heart to her.

Lastly, remember that grief is a long game. If you begin to feel better for a bit, wonderful! But don't be discouraged if you don't stay that way. Consider talking to someone, perhaps? I wish every bright blessing upon you and your beautiful girl. You are in my heart during this time.

Peace be with you,
Oblivietto

Bob

Can't offer anything other than condolences and thoughts.

I truly know your pain. I as well lost a precious baby girl 21 yrs ago. The heart ache lasts for many years but it does get a bit easier. To comfort you please read Evidence of the Afterlife by Dr. Jeffrey Long. It will bring you peace. Bless your heart. This will be a ling hard journey!

I took my first shower in three days last night, and it made me feel clean in more ways than the one. The satisfaction of knowing that I have what I need is immensely satisfying; now I can get on with my life, such as it is.

I've read every response. One poster suggested that this was a cry for attention; that poster was absolutely right. For all intents and purposes, I have been alone since my daughter died. My wife is 750 miles away and the son I brought with me is staying with friends. I was alone at the hardest time of my life, dealing with something I wouldn't wish on anybody, and I cried out for help; ATS answered.

They answered with prayers, good thoughts, and positive Juju. Expressions of support, poetry, and personal experiences posted let me know that I'm NOT alone, and that I can get through this. Somehow. I haven't figured that part out yet.

But as I type this my best friend's two-year-old girl, Sophie, is sitting on my lap whispering "Uncka Bobby" at me over, and over, and over again. She hasn't stopped saying my name for three days. God, I love this little girl. This is Sophie from last year:




Shawn wants me to go squirrel hunting with him this afternoon, a typical Jarhead he says, "Let's go kill somethin', it'll take your mind off this #." Yeah, the last time we went squirrel hunting it took me all night just to clean enough for a decent meal. It's like cleaning perch; a lot of work for very little meat. Besides, at the moment, I'm not in a killing mood (Probably my daughter whispering in my ear, "But dad, they're so cute.")

Still, I would like to spend time with him. Shawn is the best friend I've ever had, closer to me than my own brother, bound by a common bond. Last night we tried to continue our regular Friday night ritual of watching Full Metal Jacket (At least it's not the RHPS ) but I passed out before the hair cuts ended. We've always had a lot of fun together; he's such a redneck.



Leaving him and Ashley behind when we moved to Michigan truly sucked. While I'm here, I don't want to waste a minute. I'm going to love these kids (he has three), I'm going to wrap my arms around my brother and tell him I love him (to which he will invariably reply, "Get off me you homo,") and then I'm going home to my other four kids. My oldest son is nineteen. I've been preparing him for the fact that when he gets out of high school he's either going to college, getting a job, or getting out. I will probably soften that stance in order to keep him close for as long as I can.

I maintain my faith in God. I admit that I'm angry and confused, I don't understand why my little girl was taken so soon; but I have to trust that it is for the best. He is my Loving Father, and I know that He knows what He's doing.

Thank you again for all of your comments and demonstrations of support. I don't know how I would have gotten through these last few days without you.

Bobby

* I hope you don't mind the home movies. They help me, I know that.

I just remembered that I wrote a paper on Coping With The Death Of A Child when I was in college. I wish this whole thing could have gone down like that.

reply to post by OldCorp

I maintain my faith in God. I admit that I'm angry and confused, I don't understand why my little girl was taken so soon; but I have to trust that it is for the best. He is my Loving Father, and I know that He knows what He's doing.

Awww, Bobby, you got this!! Just remember these words of yours in the rough days and especially in the dark nights ahead. There will be times when you think you just cannot deal with this another minute: but when you are at your lowest point, reach out and let His love and peace sweep over you. He will remind you that this life is only temporary and that you will be seeing your baby girl soon enough! He's got her safe and happy now!!

reply to post by OldCorp


I'm sorry for your loss.
I wish I could say something to help you feel better.
It good to see you enjoying time with your friends.
Stay strong.
Semper Fi.

My condolences.

I don't have kids, so that's something I know I can really understand, but I know that it must be one of the worst feelings possible.

Stay strong.

reply to post by OldCorp


I'm very sad for your loss, it is not the end but the start of her long ascendant career to reach the lords right hand. She most likely in the mansion world as we speak learning and grasping with the larger picture of the universe and the lord, she will have many great teachers guiding her the way to the true light. Smile as she is sojourning on the Devine path and you will meet her again that is for sure. My heart is with u.

reply to post by OldCorp


Reaching out for support among your ATS mates is not attention seeking at all. If some of us knew you were going through this alone and not breathing a word......we'd be pretty disappointed in you Bobby! So thanks for sharing with us; we are right behind you the whole way for as long as it takes.

Behind the words on any thread are very real people; many of whom are your friends and friends support each other during the good and the bad times regardless of the distance. You are a kind, decent and genuine man......and pretty damn couragous too. No one can take that away from you.

Re your close mates and their BBQ, you are in the right place Gee, shucks....don't expect me to apologise to your pommy mate my Liverpool team smashed his belovered Manchester United yesterday - yeah so I'm on a roll LOL!



I intentionally said nothing of a certain member on this thread because he does'nt deserve any attention in any shape or form.

Originally posted by bluemirage5
reply to post by OldCorp

 

Reaching out for support among your ATS mates is not attention seeking at all. If some of us knew you were going through this alone and not breathing a word......we'd be pretty disappointed in you Bobby! So thanks for sharing with us; we are right behind you the whole way for as long as it takes.

Behind the words on any thread are very real people; many of whom are your friends and friends support each other during the good and the bad times regardless of the distance. You are a kind, decent and genuine man......and pretty damn couragous too. No one can take that away from you.

At the moment, I don't feel very courageous.

Re your close mates and their BBQ, you are in the right place

Gee, shucks....don't expect me to apologise to your pommy mate my Liverpool team smashed his belovered Manchester United yesterday - yeah so I'm on a roll LOL!

I would, but Ben died from lung cancer about 8 weeks after that was filmed (Don't worry, no extra grief there. He's been gone a while now.) However, I thought you might enjoy the last video I ever took of him. I think he makes his case quite plain.



Thank you for that. Watching that video gave me a chuckle.

I've spent this morning torn over what to do. I had my daughter's memorial service scheduled for 2 p.m. today, but those plans have changed. I've decided not to have a memorial here in South Carolina for a couple of reasons. My wife and other kids that I left in Michigan loved Ash too, and I think they deserve to be at her memorial. I don't think I can't get through this by myself even once, let alone twice. I NEED my family around me. It's the one thing I have of value in this life, and this is a time for us to take advantage of the strength that a family has to offer.

Ashley's grandparents aren't interested in coming, and Dino is still in Florida with his mother. I have to leave here tomorrow morning and drive back to Michigan with a slight detour to Illinois. My 89-year-old mother is having open heart surgery Thursday and I want to be there if I can. Boy, when it rains it pours doesn't it?

When I get home, I'll do what I do best. I'm going to make a film celebrating my daughter's life. Actually, I can't wait to get to work on it. I'm counting on it to heal my broken heart.

Again, I can't thank all of you enough. Looks like I wasn't alone after all.

Bobby

reply to post by OldCorp


Bobby,
Whatever you decide to do is appropriate. Let your heart guide you. Perhaps a solitary memorial -- just you and your angels -- might give you some solace (I believe your angels are always there with you, simply awaiting your instructions)...
Was there a favorite place you and she shared? Perhaps go there, at 2pm, and just be with her, then travel safely home to your family, who undoubtedly are looking forward to seeing you.

By the way, the day you reached out here I texted both of my children, and let them know that I love them and how heartbroken you are; although a total stranger to them, they both replied with words of sorrowful respect and acknowledgment. Just so you know....the wishes for comfort to your spirit, now feeling so defeated, are radiant and heartfelt. Enjoy your walk in the woods (poor squirrels)

Peace...good to see your laughy-faces!

I just read the entire post and your blog.
I'm so very sorry for your lose I can't offer anything other than condolences and we'll keep you in our thoughts.

I'm So Very, Very Sorry!

reply to post by OldCorp


Hello. I know grief and it is personal and you will grieve the way you need to - there is no handbook, no instruction manual on what is wrong or right.

I was adopted by two people who had managed to have another Child and six years later adopt me - I was adopted by two grieving people - no one should ever bury two Children - let alone three - yes my Sister was killed in a car accident. Like you my father was not permitted to say goodbye to her face - the accident rendered her unrecognisable. I know it tore out his heart.

Keep in mind the marriage had ended when I was about 6/7 years old. I too was kept from my Father - why I will never know. I have in one way or another known grief all my life. I searched for my natural family - no luck there the woman who gave birth to me - cold and showed no regard for me at all. She had married and had three Children - I had no one.

When my Father died I was about 25 years of age - I thought my life would end - I recall driving his car home and I stopped on the Nullabour in Australia - I screamed out as loud as I could - I wasn't ready. When you have not finished loving someone - that is the pain. At the funeral of my Sister - I collapsed as I saw the coffin being lowered. When I say to you - I know grief - I know grief.

I thought I had met someone who would love me - I was 38 years old - he was a narcisssist who had an affair with a married woman and he ran out - not content with that he abused me psychologically in ways I will not go into. I ended up with no health, no family, no money and no options. I had a breakdown and actually died in the back of the ambulance. My death experience - two words - beautiful and peaceful.

Your daughter is beautiful and peaceful. The fact she got her message to you - Dad - treasure that message it was meant for only you. It would not mean anything to anyone else because you were her Dad - no one else. So when I say I know grief - I know grief. At almost fifty I can say that when someone you love leaves without saying goodbye - it is the worst pain. When you are prevented from being with someone you love - it only adds to the pain.

All I will say is - you know the truth about your relationship with your Daughter and no one can ever take that away. No one can ever damage that. No one can ever change that. You will feel some peace eventually but right now you need to move through your pain however you need to and know that your journey through grief is unique.

I know grief and I still have days where I cry - out of the blue - just wells up and I miss them - that includes friends I have buried. I have the blessing of being surrounded by Spirit and when the time comes I imagine you will sense when Spirit is all around.

To you and your Daughter - Rest Still In The Arms Of A Loving God and Know That Faith In Love Lives For Ever.

Much Peace...it will come in time...

Originally posted by wildtimes
reply to post by OldCorp

 

Bobby,

Whatever you decide to do is appropriate. Let your heart guide you. Perhaps a solitary memorial -- just you and your angels -- might give you some solace (I believe your angels are always there with you, simply awaiting your instructions)...
Was there a favorite place you and she shared? Perhaps go there, at 2pm, and just be with her, then travel safely home to your family, who undoubtedly are looking forward to seeing you.

By the way, the day you reached out here I texted both of my children, and let them know that I love them and how heartbroken you are; although a total stranger to them, they both replied with words of sorrowful respect and acknowledgment. Just so you know....the wishes for comfort to your spirit, now feeling so defeated, are radiant and heartfelt. Enjoy your walk in the woods (poor squirrels)

Peace...good to see your laughy-faces!

Tell your kids I said thanks. BTW, I took that walk in the woods today; no wildlife was harmed.

reply to post by OldCorp



Hey... Just sending some love...

Blessing to you and your daughter.

reply to post by guohua


Thank you.

reply to post by Amanda5


That was beautiful. Needless to say, I know what you mean.

I wanted to post something equally profound in gratitude and appreciation of your post; but I can't think of anything. I mean I can't think of anything, to do with anything. It's weird.

All I know is that today I have to drive another full day to get to my mother. I'm going to eat breakfast with my friend and son and then we're taking off. I'll try jacking some WiFi from a truck stop later or something.

Peace.

Oh mate, that's terrible news, and I'm genuinly moved to tears over it. I'm so sorry that she's gone, life's not fair sometimes (= alot of the time). I'm afraid I have no words which I can type out to make it feel better, as I don't think those words exist.

I hope that you're coping as best as you can, and I hope that you have some people close to you, who can comfort you in some way. Even if it's just as a shoulder to cry on.

I could blather on, wishing you al lthe best in anyway shape and or form, but that's not going to take your pain away. And I could do it for pages and pages, with all my heart, I could. But it'd be fruitless, as nothing will make you feel any better right now. And I'll never try and belittle those feelings, with trite words of comfort.

keep on keeping on, and if you ever want to let off steam, and call someone names and swear like a trooper at someone, my U2U box is open for abuse, and I'll take no offense at all. Sometimes it's good to let off at a random, especially when they don't mind.

Bob,

I can't imagine your pain. Just know that you are not alone, and that you are well respected and even loved here.