Poetry so bad your eyes will water

Originally posted by nikelbee

Las Vegas

Women who suck
their cigarettes
as though they were
giving their
hatred head
- Jewel

Hmmm where do i meet this girl.

Originally posted by queenannie38
Okay, I'm risking the exposure of my true bucolic nature...

What, or who, the heck is 'Vogon?

Ah, the Vogons... Vogon poetry is, according to the late and very great sci-fi author Douglas Adams, the third worst in the universe. Think of a vogon as being like a large green thing with a bad temper, whose species was abandoned by evolution with disgust. I'll try and find an example later.

Apricorn Stu

There once was a man from Nantucket
But you already knew that
So to hell with it

It's a bitter pill
The pill that we swallow
But most bitter is the pillow
The pillow that we follow

For in ages long past
When the masses passed gas
Alas a fair lass
Was the one to know last

And so we have learned
That a woman once spurned
Is a matter of concern
For the worm that has turned

Thus doth the sun set
On the town of Nantucket
As the evening doth flourish
And the day kicks the bucket.

Originally posted by nikelbee

20,000 leagues under your sheets
(Experimental poetry created by combining the influences of popular music, sea shanties and 2 bottles of cheap red wine)


My loins burn with the thought of you.
Arched over like
A Bridge over Troubled Water

I dive deep down into your murky depths
Discovering the buried treasure
Circling your cove of pleasure

I pause…
but only for a moment
X marks your g-spot and I dig it.

Slowly, you resurface sea-wrapped in seaweed
Your heaving bosom rising and falling

Like the morning tide
Like dolphins at play
Like ocean spray

Am I dreaming, or is this fantasy?
Tell me, enchantress, have you Bewitched
Bothered and Bewildered me?

Sweet Lorelei, Siren to the Sensuous
Who guides lost sailors into your warm welcoming port
Creature of the sea
You make me break out
In a cold James Brown sweat

And I lust
And I thrust
And I whisper your name like a sea breeze

Well 20,000 leagues under the (*your ) sheets really tickled my fancy!

I laughed out loud over the x marks the g spot!



edit: where's my head at? lol
I reckon the poem's got my mind a wandering...

[edit on 16-6-2006 by NJE777]

Originally posted by nikelbee
NJ - Hi and thanks for joining Bad Poetry Anon, here is your button and your free cup of coffee. I am sorry to say that your first poem has been disqualified as being 'not so bad' rather than 'so bad it hurts'. Also, your choice of topic is one most of us hold close to our hearts, thus it wouldn't be fair to count it.

Your second one however, is fair game. After running upstairs to brush my teeth from the intense sugar overload, I gave it a solid 4.0.

lol er thats white with one please

Please tell me there was no duck or other animal card associated with this:

the sun shone onto her face
just as an Angel looked down
her smile lit up the sky
the Angels sang with joy

um...no. No definitely not. I wrote it (thats only some of it) when my friend died. The last time I saw here she was smiling getting into her car and the sun was shining on her face. ah anyway...

thanks for the welcome and the button

vogon poetry

''Oh freddled gruntbuggly,
Thy micturations are to me
As plurdled gabbleblotchits
On a lurgid bee.
Groop, I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes
And hooptiously drangle me
with crinkly bindlewurdles,
Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon
See if I don't. ''

I think you will find it ''counterpoints the surrealism of the underlying metaphor

Originally posted by nikelbee
Please tell me there was no duck or other animal card associated with this:

um...no. No definitely not. I wrote it (thats only some of it) when my friend died. The last time I saw here she was smiling getting into her car and the sun was shining on her face. ah anyway...

Ach! Ok. I'm so sorry NJ. Unfortunately, despite what I said in my last post, your angel poem is also disqualified. Dammit, you really must stop writing about things that are deep and meaningful! Stick to things like hams, fishing, gspots and gamblers (not in that order). I'm really sorry if I said anything insensitive - I would not/did not mean to poke fun at the sentiment, just the medium by which it was delivered. And even that was a mistake.

How about some rules. We will not accept any poems about pets, dearly departed ones, mothers (unless you are the ghost of Allen Ginsburg), God or alternative higher beings, wars, famines, hurricanes or other tragic disasters and/or anything that still has any meaning to you.

Everything else is fair game.

(note: we especially appreciate teenage angsty offerings (lyrics or songs) and pretentious wordplay)

Originally posted by nikelbee
Unfortunately, despite what I said in my last post, your angel poem is also disqualified. Dammit, you really must stop writing about things that are deep and meaningful! Stick to things like hams, fishing, gspots and gamblers (not in that order).

oh I really just laughed. Right... No more meaningful or sentimental BS allowed.



aw gee, I just thought bad as in bad...sort of Adam Sandlerish in Deeds....

Originally posted by nikelbee(note: we especially appreciate teenage angsty offerings (lyrics or songs) and pretentious wordplay)

Oh, girl, you make my spirit soar
When you walk so nicely in front of me
My eyes are riveted, bleeding and sore
from what it's obvious they surreptituously see.

Like two lively pups in a gunny sack
as your dainty shoes go clickety clack
my mind goes flying off the track
and the rest of the world goes to absolute black.

Oh, angel, I wish I knew your name
I could say it softly as you walk
and your face turns, my heart you'd maim
and kill me gently with angel eyes, cuz you so rock.


[edit on 16-6-2006 by masqua]

Originally posted by masqua

Oh, girl, you make my spirit soar
When you walk so nicely in front of me

I'm tempted to make a comment here regarding soaring spirits.

Like two lively pups in a gunny sack
as your dainty shoes go clickety clack

This is great! Reminds me of that scene in Some Like it Hot when Marilyn boards the train.

Oh, angel, I wish I knew your name
I could say it softly as you walk
and your face turns, my heart you'd maim
and kill me gently with angel eyes, cuz you so rock.

Angel: accused of murder in the first degree for heart trampling.

Thanks for the late lunch laugh masqua. I'm giving you and Angel a 4.25.

Originally posted by nikelbee
How about some rules. We will not accept any poems about pets, dearly departed ones, mothers (unless you are the ghost of Allen Ginsburg), God or alternative higher beings, wars, famines, hurricanes or other tragic disasters and/or anything that still has any meaning to you.

Nik dearest. Was that a challenge?

The sun was shining, the fish were biting
But God and Jesus would not stop fighting
They couldn't decide what to have for dinner
Should they have ham, or fry up a sinner?

Maybe we should have someone who gambles
Dice them finely and mix them with Campbell's
Soup, that is, the finest brand
The no-name ones are just so bland

Jesus was busy peeling a spud
When God said 'Maybe it’s time for a flood'
Jesus said 'No, how bout a war?
Floods have been done and they’re such a bore'

God said 'Well then, how would you like a famine
We could eat everything, even the noodles of ramen'
Jesus exclaimed 'A hurricane, that’s the thing'
As he nibbled on a chicken wing

Then walked up Duzey's dead aunt Mardie
Feeling well rested and ready to party
Mardie feels lonely, she misses her sister
She asks 'Can you arrange for her to be caught in that twister?'

'Maybe you should bring her daughter and that damn cat
Although from what I hear, Harriet’s gotten fat'
God said 'Mardie, we’ll bring the whole bunch,
There's plenty of sinners to sauté for lunch'


Blasphemy has to be worth something, doesn't it?






[edit on 16-6-2006 by Duzey]

You have voted Duzey for the Way Above Top Secret award. You have two more votes this month.

Come on nikelbee, for the love of Jewel, give the dragon a 5.0!

Duzey, I bet you were one of those kids at school that ran through the corridors with real scissors.

Bravo! I Love the poem.

The sun was shining, the fish were biting
But God and Jesus would not stop fighting
They couldn't decide what to have for dinner
Should they have ham, or fry up a sinner?

This is SO going to go up as my next sig.


Behold my pathetic offering.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Queen of Hearts

The gray day strips off
its minutes seductively

Bit by bit
the queen in white
with the black gloved hands
counts down the numbers

She entices me
with her overly made-up eyes
I want to catch her savage rhythm
and match her measured pleasure

I want to sleep eternally and never age
tightly held between those black seductive hands...

I want to awaken and shove her perfectly
lipsticked mouth to the starchy pillowcase

The savage kicking of her stiletto heels
Growing weaker and weaker
until she ends the countdown



[edit on 16-6-2006 by kallie]

Here are the scorecards so far


Nikelbee

Confessions of an ex coffee drinker - 4.0
20,000 Leagues under your sheets - 5.5
Ode to a tree - 4.5


Kedfr

Unnamed (Worst poem ever) - 3.25
Silent Ghost - 5.00/ 5.00
The Wind (unmarked)

QA

Scrappy too or Scrappy Poo - 3.0
Unnamed (Tint the World) - 4.0


Mojo4sale

The Stand (unmarked)
Unnamed Lyrics (Sweet, Sweet Metal) - 6.0


Masqua

Anihuman - 4.75
Sad Gambler - 3.75
Angel - 4.25


Savagecupid

Unnamed (Scratches) - 4.50


Duzey

Ode to my Kittycat - 1.25


NJE777

Unnamed 1 & 2 (cup of coffee and nametag)


Majic

Apricot stu (as yet unmarked)


Agent T

Vogon Poetry (as yet unmarked)

Thanks so much, Kallie. I'm glad you liked my poem. I'm not sure if Nik will like it, though. I'm hoping that she will give me credit for breaking all the rules she laid out.

I think you'll get a higher rating than I will. You mentioned stiletto heels, and Nik is a sucker for footwear.

as long as the poems are not read by the vogons, everything is okay!

and the answer to life, the universe and everything is...... 42!

and always, bring your towel.

How about Vogons reading poetry in high heels??



Duzey my dear - I laughed, I cried, I called a friend... This is way TOO good and far TOO clever to be on here. I am giving you a minus -5, which is what all good poetry deserves.

You have a talent my friend. Stop denying it.

And don't listen to Kallie, she is just trying to butter me up by mentioning shoes.


I do agree on one thing with my cosmic twin though.

You have voted Duzey for the Way Above Top Secret award. You have two more votes this month.

[edit on 16-6-2006 by nikelbee]

oh little worm
where doth trudging you go?
do you know?

oh little ants
why are you carrying little worm?
he was busy trudging
earlier, yanno?

oh shovel,
looks so sad...
What?
You sliced worm in half?
oh shovel,
fret not!
worm still trudges on...
without his bum!

--------------------

can I have a 1.5 at least??
lol
... this is really bad poetry and there is no sentiment or meaning!!


or perhaps I will just have another cup of coffee?

Originally posted by NJE777
oh little worm
where doth trudging you go?
do you know?

oh little ants
why are you carrying little worm?
he was busy trudging
earlier, yanno?

Too cute. But here's another cup of coffee.

This however is showing more potential. Remorseful homicidal shovels are not - after all - cute worms. In some cultures talking implements can even get you arrested. Keep at it. I see a light at the end of your dark poetry tunnel.

oh shovel,
looks so sad...
What?
You sliced worm in half?

God and Jesus were having a chat
And Jesus was acting like such a prat
He kept telling God that sex is bad
God shook His head and looked quite sad

'My Son', He said, 'Do you dare doubt me?
There's a reason I invented the Spot of G'

Originally posted by Duzey
'My Son', He said, 'Do you dare doubt me?
There's a reason I invented the Spot of G'

Good God woman! You get a 4.25 -.25 (for using the G) to equal 4.0.