a reply to: ConfusedBrit
I suppose my request is, in simplest terms, that someone find within this one report reasonable proof of either misidentification or dishonesty on the
part of the witness. A trifling request, by appearance, I know. But, there is something within the content of this account that still deeply affects
me. It has something, I feel, to do with both the incident itself as well as the manner in which the witness was personally affected. Maybe, if the
report is upended and the account rendered mere fantasy, then I can better confront other... issues that have subsequently arose.
Words, just words... I must quit using them as cover.
The crux of my struggle lies with the sense of foreboding described by the witness both during, and for days after, his encounter. While his reaction
does draw comparison to my own disquiet, this similarity is superficial and fails when plumbed for deeper meaning. I do not feel any sort of
meaningful connection to his plight. No mutual trauma, no true empathy even. This is, quite frankly, not how I am wired. This is not... this is
uncomfortable for me, this soul baring. Did not consider this aspect when I conceived this approach to... self-mending. Words again. I apologize. I
have always sought refuge in words. And, at the moment, every cell in my being wants nothing more than to build a textual mountain and burrow to its
I beg your patience, I will push on.
The most troubling aspect of that foreboding experienced by myself and witness alike, is that... words... words... I DO NOT want this... whatever THIS
even is... don't think, write. MOVE DAMN IT!
By mere virtue of affliction a hole has been torn through layers of armor exposing a much deeper, much darker process at work within me. With that
first cold twinge of fear came - anticipation... fester... surgery... armor-piercing scalpel - an ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY that the witness would experience
the awful disquiet described later in his account. For clarity - I anticipated the visceral reaction felt by the witness even though I had yet to read
his description. Put differently: I KNEW that the approach of those two - abominations... hatred... manipulative - objects would induce precisely what
he would later describe. Why did I not... I am NOT some naive... words... I'm so sorry. To say I did not expect such pushback, such internal strife
would be... well, I'll spare your intelligence. To those still here... please...? Thank you. I must increase pace here to inhibit thought so writing
may become jumbled or veer incoherent from grammatical rails.
On foreknowledge of witness's emotional reaction: in that moment of horror's re-birth, the moment in which "...the light abruptly went out."
from this passage onward I KNEW that what approached in the darkness above was, in a word, evil.
I do not use that word lightly as it oozes
with connotations that I fervently avoid. But, in this instance, the word serves well in every sense.
As I read the report, I envisioned - No. Wrong. Nope. I remembered
that those horrid things radiate evil in thick, choking waves, permeating
the senses of any living thing so equipped. They are NOT craft, NOT ships, NOT vessels of any form or function save one: they are ALIVE. I am...
relieved?... afraid. This is futile, shameful, serves no worthwhile purpose. And yet.... I skim the prior sentences and want so much to edit...
delete... forget. So very tired.
And no, I am not the witness who filed the report though I understand how one might reach this conclusion. In fact, never have I, in clear memory,
experienced anything even remotely comparable. "Clear memory" being the operative words. Current disintegration thus properly acknowledged. This is...
not.. not according to plan. Ignorance is NOT bliss if it can see its reflection. I do not remember having experienced anything that I could not fit
firmly into the framework of reality. Better. And yet, remember I do. Is this even feasible? Words... can one remember an event that simply did not
occur? How.... explain... Can someone please...? Why - unfair... ashamed... thief... home... insist...MOVE! - Can someone REMEMBER something that they
KNOW did not occur? NO! OF COURSE NOT! Proof: there are indeed stupid questions, Dr. Chancey! You were incorrect!
This... post was an exercise of staggering measure. The time spent alone was... ridiculous. And then, finally, I return for proofreading to
discover... evidence of a mind desperately flailing about in its own waste.
Naturally, editing was in order. Mop and bucket work for sure. But, a thought gave pause. And, moments pass, a decision is made. I chose to submit the
above wreckage unvarnished, in full chaotic form. I believe that, presented thusly, this broken mess could possibly generate more informed, helpful
responses. Or, perhaps the only byproduct will be mockery, derision. Or, worse, pity. Regardless, the heap remains. Unkempt, and incomplete. I believe
this is the correct choice but, could not for life itself, say why that might be.
To those who've slogged through this far I offer my apologies for the mess I made in your forum. It would seem I've discovered uncharted territory in
my mind's darkest recesses and like the warnings on ancient maps: Here There Be Monsters
A wondrously complex thing, the human mind. So fragile...