The Shed 18

Ok a quite personal update.

The week before last week i drank beer very much. Then sunday came and i ran out of my antidepressants. Had the prescription, had the money, did not get them. For 16 years i ate them, whined and whined how the world is a horrifying place and the world is against me until my friends' ears were nearly bleeding. I had to constantly ventilate. I had goodwill, i did my best to be friendly towards everyone, but deep down i was hostile towards random people i don't know, inside my head. "Another smartphone zombie, get out of my way, i am shopping / walking the street" "Walk your dog better you -self censorship-, i am walking here" Then when i got home, i shut the door behind me and collapsed to the floor crying.

Day 10 without antidepressants. I can actually feel something without drinking at least a sixpack first. Creative writing has returned and i am absolutely delighted due to that. I understand now, that ok, the world is very far from perfect, but the biggest barrier between me and being happy and sense some purpose in living, is my own attitude problem and i am going to do something about it.

Trust me, i know that these kind of actions should never be taken without talking to a doctor first, but this is where i stand now and the past is already gone. I understand that this could backfire big time. But my basic feeling right now is that i have woken up from a 16 year long nightmare and smelling the coffee. So if you sense change in my writings, my approach to things, it is because my brain chemistry is different now.

a reply to: Finspiracy

Welcome back. Only you can feel how you feel and if you decide it's time to stop then so be it. I asked a Doc once in my life (some 20 years ago now) for anti-depressants. He refused to give them to a hippy like me. In hindsight I was glad but sometimes they can be a temporary help for temporary problems. 16 years sounds like a long time.

You don't need us to tell you that you need to be careful but only you know how you feel. I wish you much success in your quest. As for coffee, I love the smell of coffee before breakfast. Not that I eat breakfast but that's another story. Give it time and listen to your body and spirit.

I was impressed with your English in the writing competition too. One step at a time my friend, one step at a time.

ETA If you don't mind me being nosy, what medication were you on? Benzodiazepines? Don't feel obliged to answer, just my curiosity.


ETA2 Please forget my last question. It's none of my business but I've known a few people in my 47 years on this planet that have been on anti-depressants. Just like a cat, my curiosity sometimes gets the better of me and I meow before I think.

originally posted by: LightSpeedDriver
ETA If you don't mind me being nosy, what medication were you on? Benzodiazepines? Don't feel obliged to answer, just my curiosity.

There are no questions that could irritate me, but sometimes i just will not answer. I get nothing out of benzos. They take about 10-15 minutes to start to work, and in the same time i can get rid of my anxiety attack by breathing deep and calm and picturing myself in a peaceful and beautiful environment. Also the sound of a woman talking or singing helps.

I ate selective serotonine reuptake inhibitors, or SSRI for short.

Thanks for your supporting reply!

a reply to: Finspiracy

My question was guardedly directed at addiction. I don't know what SSRI's are like but I know that benzodiazepines are addictive after a short while. I think they used to be called "Mothers' little helper" in the UK. I've known a few people that got repeat prescriptions from their Doctor for 10 or 15 years without having their problem solved.

And I wasn't being judgemental, just interested.

originally posted by: LightSpeedDriverI've known a few people that got repeat prescriptions from their Doctor for 10 or 15 years without having their problem solved.

Yep. That is also called "Western medicine".

Attempting to alleviate the symptoms, not to cure the cause.

And i have never ever, not once, spotted you being judgemental towards anyone. Well, your neighbour maybe but he was asking for it!

originally posted by: LightSpeedDriver
I was impressed with your English in the writing competition too.

Cool! Compliments feel good but i am not too good at receiving them. I started computer gaming at a very young age. Commodore 64 first, amiga 500 later. My mom who raised me was not good at English. So i played the games with a dictionary next to me, checking unfamiliar words. As time went by, the usage of the dictionary got more rare. And the structures of how the sentences should be put together somehow stuck to my head from gaming too. Prepositions are still hard. We don't have them here, we just add stuff to the end of the words. I am often very unsure should i use in, at, on, for, etc.

English is ok. But when it comes to, for example, mathematics, i am next to braindead.

a reply to: Finspiracy

Just to clarify the neighbour thing....

You have your room and I have my room. Both of these rooms are separate and we both have a lock on our doors that only we can open. He cannot unlock my room and I cannot unlock his room. So far so good.

Then, without opening my room, my neighbour is "standing inside" my room, with his music, 8 or 10 hours long at a ridiculous volume. The music doesn't matter, but imagine angry gangster rap, screaming rock and everything in-between while you (I) am trying to "enjoy" your day. I've decided to leave this building. We now have mice but I hate the big cities and all the crazies it attracts. Tomorrow I apply for a loan and do my best to get out of this dump. It'll cost me a year of disposable income but so be it.

Fast forward the future!.

a reply to: LightSpeedDriver

Ick. I say combat fire with fire.

In particular, use opera.

Really, really loud opera.

Like, Berlioz.

a reply to: PrairieShepherd

I cannot compete. He has going on for 1000 watts of amplitude and I am not in the mood for a sound war. Been there, done that. I just want a peaceful life. Personally I'd just like to kick the # out of him or die trying but A I am not that kinda guy and B It's not his fault he is a psychopath.

Life is diverse, sometimes it can be detrimental. Or mental.

ETA I hate opera! "It's not over till the fat lady sings...."

originally posted by: LightSpeedDriver
a reply to: Finspiracy

Then, without opening my room, my neighbour is "standing inside" my room, with his music, 8 or 10 hours long at a ridiculous volume.

I would have lost (the remains of) my sanity. You seem strong. The apartment above me, a young couple lives there. Sometimes i can hear them having a little (verbal) fight, or playing a tune or two or three. Never in the time of silence (night time) it is really nothing compared to what you have to deal with.

Kind of the same thing happened yesterday on a larger scale. I was complaining to myself about my ribs and mental weakness. Then somehow i came across an article about this teen boy. He had some kind of a medical problem in the past, it was treated wrong in the hospital, now he is a prisoner of his home and in constant severe nerve damage pain. There is some talent seeking TV show going on and he had really liked a performance he had seen on TV, and the band came to his home to play a few songs. The kid made a youtube video about it. His finnish speech had to be texted in finnish. He could not move, or only just a little. The gratitude, the joy he had about the private gig at his home was unimaginable. It gave me some hardcore perspective. I can stand up from this chair right now and walk anywhere i want and i take that as a given. It is not a given to everyone.

a reply to: LightSpeedDriver
Hm. I'm thinking the resolution involves an EMP somehow.

Or, make a couple hundred copies of a Barry Manilow CD, sneak into his room, and replace all of his angry gangsta rap with your copied Barry Manilow.

That might actually break him...

a reply to: LightSpeedDriver

Hope I don't bring down the mood here, but when I was homeless there were quite a few times I was woken by the sound of bands, or large crowds, and these sometimes kept me awake at night too. I came close to sitting up and yelling 'I'm trying to sleep here!' But didn't because a) it WAS a public venue and b) I didnt want the cops coming to kick me out of my spot, haha

Angry gangsta rap mentioned a couple of times now...

Long time (about 25 years) rap listener here. All rap is not about drive-by shootings, money, fast cars and hot women.

Real rap has criticism towards unfair social structures, real rap makes you think. Real rap is written by the rapper, rapped to the audience for the sake of getting a statement out. All this mainstream pop-rap (c)rap makes me want to vomit out of my ears.

For example, this one resonates to me right now because of life situation.

a reply to: LightSpeedDriver
I should apologize, LightSpeed - I'm really perky today for some reason and I'm making light of your situation. If I were to honestly put myself in your shoes, I can tell you I'd be way more P.O.d than you seem to be, so hats off to your ability to deal with this jerk. Shame the landlord can't or won't do anything about it.


a reply to: Finspiracy

makes me want to vomit out of my ears.

Dat wuz vivid, wuddn't it, chilluns?

a reply to: LucidWarrior
Man, you have done some living in your short time, haven't you? I suspect (was going to write 'know' but of course I don't 'know') you use those experiences in your writing. Keep at it. I'm just a goody-two-shoes suburbanite-raised white guy with an ordinary job and an ordinary life. I've never been truly hungry, never been truly poor. I have known real love, real tragedy and real heartache, but other than those things, when I write sometimes I feel like a complete fraud. You have real experience; use it, and you will do wonderfully as a writer, Lucidus Scriptori Maximus (throw it in to Google Translate, seriously.)

a reply to: Finspiracy

Nice! Not all rap is bad. Matter of fact, lots might get a chuckle out of this but we had a Christian rapper come to our church once. He was awesome, and it was fun to have during the service and meet him afterward.

a reply to: PrairieShepherd

The biggest bright writer eh? I like it but that may just be my ego talking

Yeah... I've been around a couple of the seedier blocks, eheh. When I turned 18 I just... really had no motivation for anything besides immediate gratification, many times literally despite knowing better and wanting bigger things. Lasted four years, trying to plumb the depths of my stagnancy, till I finally became fed up and started to really do things for myself. StI'll working on it, actually.

If it wasn't for writing, I wouldn't have ever came out of that hole- only sunk further and further.

a reply to: PrairieShepherd

Dude, how would Barry Manilow truly help? I have to listen to Copa Cabana at a ridiculous volume?

I was homeless 25 years ago for (thankfully) a short time in the UK, then I moved to the Netherlands. Friends floors, shop doorways and later, green open spaces where few people came during the dark hours. Almost winter... Brrrr....


ETA The above homelessness was before I moved to NL.

originally posted by: Finspiracy
Angry gangsta rap mentioned a couple of times now...

Long time (about 25 years) rap listener here. All rap is not about drive-by shootings, money, fast cars and hot women.

Real rap has criticism towards unfair social structures, real rap makes you think. Real rap is written by the rapper, rapped to the audience for the sake of getting a statement out. All this mainstream pop-rap (c)rap makes me want to vomit out of my ears.

Real rap :

Wax- We Can't All be Heroes

The hook:

"Stop effing with me,
Stop judging me,
I'm just trying to live comfortably,
And I'm not talkin' bout wealth,
I'm talkin' bout my brain,
I'm talkin' bout mental health"



Forgive me if I have linked it here before, I honestly can't remember..


Respectfully,
~meathead

You asked for it!



If any legal possessors of weapons could lend me theirs loaded, I'd be more than grateful. TIA!

a reply to: PrairieShepherd


I'm not very good at the writers contests.

It's hard for me to be given a theme and try to write.

When I do write it's more organic than "here's a topic, write about it and make it seem like you care!"
I have a few short stories on the site and even one failed attempt to start a collaborative story.
Well at least that one masqua used the title of my story for a writing contest theme a few years back

www.abovetopsecret.com...

Oh well.. I was new to the format, in retrospect I could have done things a lot differently..



Respectfully,
~meathead,


Edited to add:
I don't know how that happened, it was supposed to be a reply to Shep,sorry bro.