I am Deeply and Profoundly Unhappy

and



cuz I...

originally posted by: woodwardjnr
hope your back for good.

"The wound is the place where the Light enters you"
Rumi

Wow !

That escalated quickly !

Haha ...


For more mirth ( can't hurt bro ! ) ... check my sig .

Just posting to send you a virtual (((hug))) OP. Please hang in there.

Also consider some supplements like fish oil or magnesium and D3. That's not to sound trite AT ALL. Just that it's not unusual to feel blue if your body is out of sync, especially coming off of winter.

originally posted by: kosmicjack
Just posting to send you a virtual (((hug))) OP. Please hang in there.

Also consider some supplements like fish oil or magnesium and D3. That's not to sound trite AT ALL. Just that it's not unusual to feel blue if your body is out of sync, especially coming off of winter.

Thanks Jack.

Dude, I slept outside this winter....
It was not cool...it was COLD!

I've never been outside like that ever in my life, I've always been sheltered and ignorant of "Reality".

I survived 12 degree nights with just a few thin blankets, some of those 'hand warmers', and a few layers of 'not made for winter' cloths. My toes almost completely froze on many occasions. I was on the verge of frostbite, I was so afraid of losing those feet...

My feet are still screwed up, mostly from walking around a few thousand miles on foot the last half year. I actually don't know the milage but it's something stupid like that. Carrying stuff.

All I carry is a backpack now, I got a really nice Swiss one that can handle all my stuff, which is 85% paperwork (weight wise). I don't have a spare of cloths cept underwear, and a nice blazer (I'm building a suit since I'm around suits half the time). I refuse to carry a bunch of crap, I'm trying to blend in with 'normal people', it's working out ok.

I essentially spend most of my time at Vanderbilt around the kids, since I look 22-24 (according to them) I blend in well. I'm 34 though, but a kid at Heart. I research Law and everything related to it (which is everything), it's maddening at times, especially since I put in 12 to 16 hour days grinding on it.

I school the professors most of the time, though I do seek their input as it saves me a ton of time digging for specifics.

If I survive this nonsense, which I might not, yall will find out about what I've been up to on TV. I'm trying to survive. I got BIG stuff going down, the BIGGEST stuff ever in my life. I'm winning too, slowly but surely.

My old project, "The Latest Testament", which became a side project, and became the center of an illegal government freakout violating over 200 distinct Rights on over 500 occasions, is Finished (as of mid January). It's quite the controversy, and it only just began.

I am planning to get tons of publicity for all this, as I already hit national news (I was on TV in Hawaii, lol). There will be around 20 civil suits as a result of all of this as well, though I'm only starting that phase of operations right now. I am aiming for my interviews on Dateline, 20/20, 60min, GMA, Ellen, what have you. Oh an Arsenio Hall is supposed to get a show again so I can be on that too!

I'm aiming higher than I ever have in my entire life! And being completely screwed over in intense agony was perhaps the Best thing that ever happened to me. It compelled me to Fight harder than ever for something that matters more than anything to me - my life - my future. It was my impetus for action, my catalyst for rapid transition.

And about those supplements, though they sound great, I only have like 140 $ right now. I cannot afford stuff like that. I don't get any government assistance, I gotta buy my own food. I eat maybe 4 or 5 meals a week. And since my life is paperwork, I spend a lot on copies and related materials. It's the priority right now. Coffee too.

I can't really get into the details as it's thousands of pages of information, but I'll tell you this, the government screwed up extremely bad, and the Judicial branch favors me significantly. I even got Governor Haslam (the Executor) to beat the Legislative branch on my behalf (it was a small request).

They prohibited me from working, so I cannot get a job. Have you ever even heard of that? It's elaborate but it makes sense when you hear the full story. I'm officially a resident of another State according to the IRS and every government agency I've requested to determine my residency status, so I'm gonna basically live in a Federal Courtroom for awhile. Tennessee is holding me hostage and is trying to kill me - but the Courts are protecting "The Latest Testament" for me as I made a huge deal about it and prevented TN from destroying it like they were so hell bent on.

It would take a week or two of sitting here typing day and night just to explain this whole ordeal (Odyssey) to you in detail. It's grown into a monster in the last 6 months. I turned it into a monster by exploiting every government mistake every step of the way, I had to, my future depends on it.

I won't let them bury me again...
Now I Write...into the Endless Night.

PS- My 2nd book in this Trilogy is "1001 American Nights", already started it.

a reply to: muzzleflash

I should explain something since it probably sounds "a lil crazy". And keep in mind, anytime I say something that sounds crazy it's because I'm using language in such a way that you just won't fully grasp it without a deeper explanation.

When I said "they want to kill me", I meant "they" as in the "non-human collective entity known as the government" which is a non-thinking non-feeling concept we envision to help explain a system of control mechanisms.

There is a collective group of people (employees) that exercise authority on behalf of this fiction, and perhaps a few hundred of them have made minor "uninformed, callous, idiotic" decisions that when combined create an atmosphere conducive to the description "they want to kill me".

Don't get me wrong, I'm well aware none of them fully realize how their poor choices affect me on the whole, and none of them actually care enough to realize I might "take it the wrong way". I know that it's extremely unlikely any of them want to hurt or kill me individually speaking, but when merging into "They" aka ".Gov", it totally looks like it "wants to kill me".

Since I've been working at turning .Gov against itself, we could say that I've "tricked a finger or two into going against the rest of the body" and so of course the whole thing doesn't want to kill me, just most of it could be said to appear as if it did.

I felt the need to qualify that because in my Journey over the last 20 months I've encountered a lot of "actual crazy people". And when I say that what I really mean is "people who speak gibberish, believe completely unfounded nonsense, refuse to accept facts or learn anything new, get really paranoid defying all evidence, freak out a lot, get violent for no apparent justifiable reasons, and are incapable of conceiving that other humans exist". Something akin to that.

It's hard to not come off as insulting because I've been around so much of it and it's extremely hard to put up with some days, depending on my mood or how much time I have to deal with their insanity.

Look we are all a lil crazy at times, but I'm referring to the full blown maniacs and lunatics here. "Always drunk or high and mumbling" types also qualify here.

Note::: Please do not become an alcoholic or drug addict. Stay clean like me and you can weather the storm of life so much easier. Those things don't help you, they hurt you, and you do not need them. Being sober is just fine. If you are already addicted to something - cut down and ween yourself off it - start today. I'm talking booze, hard drugs, or pills.

I don't do anything, I don't need anything, I'm fine. Suffering and being miserable is ok, it's a character building experience, it helps you develop into a stronger more refined and wonderful person - if you can fight your way through it and remain True to Yourself.

Ok now.... about "crazy people"... have I got some stories.... hahah (this is why I always say I got it better than anyone else despite my trials and tribulations).

There is this one lady, bless her heart, that's totally bananas. You will see her screaming at cars randomly or talking crap to the average passer by. Why? --- Because, as she will explain to you if you are like me and everyone is compelled to tell you their life stories for some odd reason --- She is at the center of a massive government conspiracy that is unbelievably far reaching in scope, over 3 million dollars. Yes, it takes 200,000 government agents utilizing ultra advanced technology to ensure a measly 3 million $ is protected.

Let me explain, every car on the street is a spy. Every person on the sidewalk (in busy downtown Nashville no less) is following her or listening in on her very important mundane conversations. Every time a fire, ambulance, or police siren goes off (which is every 5 minutes in this town), it's a "signal to get on the highway".

She claims there is a secret good guy that has been trying to get off the highway for years now to come save her, but they all get on the highway at the signal (sirens or train whistle blowing) and box this guy in so he cannot use any off ramps. The poor guy has been stuck going around Nashville in circles for years and cannot seem to find a way into town.

She also claims the government wants to kill her, but she means purposely and that each agent intentionally tries to "accident her". Every time she crosses the street it's a freakout episode, they all want to run her over. She never explains why they don't just shoot her though.

She screams at cars saying "How much do they pay you for this?!? You sicken me!!!", and things like this. She is absolutely terrified of the entire world most of the time.

She cannot even get basic medical help (she's about 60 yrs old) because she has such an attitude problem no one wants to deal with her. She gets kicked out of everywhere for flipping out about the conspiracy (to steal her long lost 3 mil $). She talks about how every doctor isn't really a doctor but instead is a "researcher!" which is absurd because a lot of doctors are indeed researchers but you cannot tell her this, she's confident they are distinctly separate. The doctors want to kill her, I'm sorry, researchers.

This lady is but one example of the mental health crisis in the US today. I feel sorry for her and tried to help her, but she got very suspicious of my intentions. I honestly believe if she would just accept the fact her big story is complete bs she'd be an alright normal person. The only real problem here is that she refuses to accept that, and there is no medication that will help her, at best they can only sedate or calm her down temporarily.

If she wasn't an older woman I'd wanna yell at her and tell her to face the facts, she's full of crap and cannot prove one aspect of this story to even herself. It's all a delusion to feel like her life is exciting and intriguing and valuable. I get that, I totally do, but you don't need fabrications and lies and gibberish to feel that. Reality can be exciting and intriguing and valuable if you know what to look for and can cherish your existence - you don't have to invoke extremes, they end up hurting you.

Oh and I just remembered one of the best examples she gives, she will say something like this: "The government has the best drivers in the world, and their cars are using ufo technology. They go so fast, like 800 or 900 miles an hour. I don't know how they zip around without hitting anything, I mean these drivers ARE GOOD! They will pass by so fast you won't even see them or notice it! Woosh!!"
---> I roll my eyes every time she repeats that as if she hasn't already told me 10 times. I just think to myself "that is such bs, I can't believe you believe it. You gotta know you're pulling my leg here..."

Now a personal disclaimer - I totally get it that I probably sound crazy to most people when I tell them "Yeah I'm trying to get famous and I'm gonna do this and that".

I agree, 99% of the time when anyone says that without qualification it does sound like complete bs. I am well aware of this, because a lot of people think things like this. Especially street musicians here in Nashville, but odds are, one of em will eventually wind up being a great artist and will make it big, though most won't because they aren't good at music.

I am "trying to make it", trying being the key word. I'm fighting and trying new approaches and coming up with interesting ideas to experiment with. It's a "work in progress", admittedly. I'm not quite there yet, but I am making little gains here and there that are reassuring and show me it IS possible I just gotta push n push a lil more. I might be on the verge of it even, but it's difficult to tell.

My current approach is via utilizing advanced knowledge of law and government structure. I study a lot and learn new things daily, I come up with new hypothesis and look for loopholes to exploit, and I'm good at that. I can conceptualize massive thought patterns consisting of hundreds of thousands of words and I'm meticulous enough to ensure I have every last sentence worked out in detail and organized efficiently within the whole. It is a challenge but I am gifted with mental skills that I am cultivating and developing on a daily basis. My mental capacity is not really measurable.

I think anyone could be that way if they wanted to, but it's hard work, it requires consistent diligence and persistent vigilance. It necessitates dedication and perseverance in the face of some of the greatest crushing challenges you will ever face in your entire life.

But what is Life for? What are Dreams for? What's the point to all this? Why do we exist? To sit around and be nothing, to do nothing? To work a crap job forever? To accept we just didn't make it? To accept failure? That we used to Dream but we don't anymore? Hell no!!!! Never! That ain't for me! I'm a Prize Fighter and I want my damn trophies, I want my purse damnit! I'll fight n fight for it! No one's gonna stop me but me, so why ever stop?

Everyone's got something they are good at. Everyone's got new things to discover about themselves. But only a few of them try to make their Dreams come True. And only a few of those actually do. Well I'm gonna be one of them, or bust! That's the kinda crazy I wanna be, someone who simply doesn't know what surrender is.

So right now I'm in the middle of this "Law thing", and what I've discovered and how I'm using it and going to use it is gonna be completely surprising and novel. It's not what anyone on ATS generally thinks. It's not the stuff you hear them talk about. It's something I generated based off resources and very basic principles and my own unique personal charisma and willpower. I think it's some of the most excellent material I've ever devised.

So I'm gonna use the .Gov for whatever I can get outta it. I'm gonna use the media if at all possible. I'm a teacher, I motivate people, I can give Hope to others. But I gotta survive till I breach the threshold, I'm getting closer every day. I'm almost there.

I see myself in the future talking to groups of people. Teaching. Leading.
I'm gonna inspire kids to become something important, to be who they want to be and follow their Heart and grasp their Dreams in practical ways, one step at a time. I want to instill in them a sense of Moral Purpose and the idea that Heroes exist all around us, from firefighters to police officers to doctors or what have you. That THEY can be the next hero if they are willing to work hard and sacrifice for it. That it's worth sticking to idealism despite all the people who might try to ruin it by being failures and disappointing our expectations of something greater.

The foundation I want to start for paraplegic and burn victim kids, I want to inspire Hope by promoting literacy and can-do attitudes. I want to share with them all of these books about how people in positions just like them still found Romance and went on great adventures. I want to push them to try harder in academics and to make the next breakthrough. They can be Astronauts, Doctors, Scientists, Politicians, whatever. I don't believe in "I can't".

And yes, for me personally, the biggest part is giving them big hugs and expressing my feelings of Love towards them individually. That is how I will Heal my suffering. I know it may sound selfish but it's ok to me because I'm giving them something they will enjoy, a beautiful day. And I won't just leave them hanging after some photo-op, I'll give them my number and hang out because my foundation will make a difference, it won't be hollow bs. I'll be a Friend if they need one.

I am a Passionate person. I am discovering my Compassion for those who Truly could use a lil. Some people you just can't help, I realize this, usually it's the older folks who are too far gone to make any progress with. That's why my focus is children, I can make a huge impact there, and look at me, I'm perfect for the job. I'm incredibly intelligent and I am becoming wiser as the days pass, I'm very deeply emotional and I intuitively understand how people tick and how to be personable and get along with them.

I'm a great listener, perhaps even more so than my talent at speaking. And most of all, I Care. I know I can't understand what people are going through, but I try, I try my damn best to at least begin the process of understanding. I know I'll never fully understand anyone or their existence, hell I barely understand me. But one thing I know about me is that I'm damn sure gonna try to know something about you and lift you up a bit higher in any way I can. I'm qualified for that position. I Love, fully and freely.

So forgive me that I have bad days sometimes, that I get moody. I'm just like you, a human being. I have weaknesses too (mostly women).

And especially forgive me for how I act around here at ATS and that I just can't help but wanna slap some of you sometimes. This place can be so aggravating sometimes. The attitudes around here are appalling in so many instances, and it's hard for me to put up with.

I bet all of you totally get that despite what side of the isle you may sit on.

In real life face to face it ain't like that so much. People tend to have manners much more often in person, because a physical confrontation is much different in terms of the "danger of provocation" as compared to internet impersonal confrontations. Of course it still happens in physical reality, it is just much less likely because of the safety aspect.

So if I end up wanting to slap you around some, know that you are special and I cared enough to do so. Consider it your privileged luxury. I'm only trying to set you straight with my high quality self-righteous dogma, which is far superior to yours. Hahaha...hey we all have our own unique talents. One of mine just happens to be guilt tripping you into being a better person. Domineering and aggressive go good with me, I hone them into something useful and worthwhile.

We all make mistakes and as ambitious as I am, I will tend to make a lot. Don't ever be afraid to stand up to me and point them out. That's what respect is about.

I like to tell myself I'm Honorable and have Integrity. Hold my feet to the fire, challenge me, make me live up to it. We need each other it's a two-way street. But please try to be reasonable about it.

My arch-nemesis keeps shooting themselves in the foot, repetitively.
I'm actually baffled by it to a degree, and I'm so shocked my reaction time is far slower than normal.

They keep lying (perjury and contempt) in Court, and even to the House and Senate Judiciary Committees. This mistake will haunt them for the rest of their life. They will have to find a new career after they get out of jail, which could be in a very long time.

Some facts about lying:
1) When there is tons of proof showing it's a blatant lie, you should probably consider not doing it.
2) For some reason you'll keep changing the story, it gets more extreme and the lies dig deeper and deeper, get bigger and bigger, and easier to refute.
3) Time is against you. The Truth has a habit of resurfacing eventually in ways you cannot foresee.
4) It will hurt you very bad in the end.
5) Never ever spread lies about Muzzleflash aka the Ghost Writa, I will fight you. I will help you Crush yourself. I will help you Regret it. I will help you Repent.
6) Especially do not lie about me in the media, I will sue you.
I'm open to a quick easy settlement but rest assured, I will win.
No jury or judge will save you.
7) You don't wanna be a bad guy anyway. It's a poor profession.


Ladies, Gents, and especially you kids, Listen up:

To all you bad guys out there, and any innocent bystanders wondering "why so brutal?"...

WOW!!! ....just WOW!!

a reply to: muzzleflash

I'm sorry, but after having read every post in this thread, especially the OP and some of your successive responses, I am having a really difficult time finding sympathy for your alleged 'plight' of misery. Just being totally honest here.

You have lamented your isolation and loneliness, your seeming homelessness, only to pound your chest about your unparalleled abilities. You have complained it is society's fault that some beautiful, wealthy, woman doesn't swoop down and pluck you from your pit of despair and then lavish upon you a jet setting lifestyle you allegedly so richly deserve. You have spoken at length about your legal prowess in bringing about Constitutional change and how you've brought Supreme Court justices to their knees...yet you sleep on concrete? You clearly have sufficient means to maintain an internet connection, and ample time to research meme's and express your meme-language. You talk about being on 60 minutes with your Nobel prize winning ideas, but you sit here and whine ad-nauseum about what a pitiful person you are. Guess what; last time I checked 60 minutes doesn't get real spiffy ratings by putting sniveling "the world is out to get me" types on the big screen!

It seems to me you might consider kicking yourself dead square in the backside and knocking off the narcissistic, entitlement, attitude and getting with the program! If you're so smart, get off your ass, go get a job, get off the street and make something of yourself! Only YOU can do it. No woman in her right mind is going to give you the time of day, no matter how smart you may think you are, if you sit around all day and complain about how life "done you wrong"!

I'll keep politics out of this, but this mentality smacks of a certain political disposition which I hold in complete contempt for exactly these kinds of attitudes.

You want to BE something? MAKE something of yourself! You want to be WITH somebody? MAKE yourself somebody someone wants to BE WITH!

Bottom line...STOP with the excuses, STOP with all the cute little inspirational meme's, and START with some BACKBONE! No one is going to hand you life on a silver platter for your choosing, and only YOU can do something about that!

Sorry, but that's truly how I feel.

Oh, and one last thing; there is a certain respondent on this thread who has endured FAR more than you EVER will! He doesn't sit around and whine. In fact, he is so humble I only recently learned of his hardships and what he has endured. This person, whom shall remain nameless, likely has more heart and character than a large cross-section of ATS as a group! You want to talk about hardship, and facing difficulty beyond imagination, all while keeping a positive mental attitude and having humility beyond comprehension...he is it.

Perhaps you might re-read this thread, and see if you can figure out who it is!

Then...maybe take some notes!!!!

edit...and he even offered you sympathy out of his own humility...which, frankly, makes me wonder if I should be even more angry, or more ill, about this whole pathetic discussion of 'whoa is me'!!!

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

Here I'll indulge you....
I think you misinterpreted the entire message.
The message was mainly to convey that:

1) Everything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

2) You shouldn't expect or ask anyone for anything, and probably shouldn't want it anyways even if they offered it.
Especially sympathy. Explaining to other people that you are hurt and suffer doesn't automatically imply a desire for sympathy, it could be an explanation of something philosophical.

3) You should fight your hardest to win whatever battles you must face. Pain increases one's fight.

4) I am not ashamed to sleep on concrete. I pick it over a free bed at the socialist free-for-all 'shelters', any day or night.
I'm honestly proud I can sleep in such harsh conditions and not "need" a bed so bad I'd sacrifice my dignity or my principles for it.

5) So what if I want to be with a woman again? I don't expect her to save me financially, because I plan on doing that myself. I expect her to save me sexually though. I'm sorry you misunderstood that.

6) I didn't say I 'brought the SC to their knees', I said I have been coming up with stuff that hypothetically probably could, and my personal goal is to purse that. You got a problem with it?
What is your goal? 9 to 5 forever, maybe have a little business and make 100,000k a year?
I'm ambitious, I want a legacy of making a real difference for future generations, not whatever it is you're talking about.

7) At least I have a Dream of making it to the Prime Time.
It's unlikely you will ever reach it if you don't....you know...reach?

8) Internet connections are free in most parts of any big city these days, where are you?
The only means sufficient to maintain that are having purchased a phone at some point in the past and knowing how to charge it in an outlet and to use the 'connect to wifi function'.

9) I rarely see myself as whining.
But I do see you are throwing a huge fit over it. Why?
I'm fascinated by your psychological motivations for attacking me so strongly and directly when you know almost nothing about me or my life.
I'll reiterate what I believed I was doing, telling a story in order to teach a lesson I learned the hard way.

10) I am not afraid to admit my faults and be vulnerable to attack by mean-spirited people who get off by putting others down and judging them in extremely ignorant and harsh ways without any burden of proof.
They're a dime a dozen these days.

11) I'm not a Democrat and I definitely do not agree with anything Socialistic or Communist.
You totally misjudged. Grats.