Toilet Etiquette

Hi all on ATS

I have this problem both at home, work and public

When i go i tend to make splashing noises, wind noises etc and to be quite honest, would rather keep such noises to myself thank you very much.

1, Work

We have a bunch of cleaners who pretty much go around all day cleaning up mess and polishing floors. Don't brand me sexist but, these cleaners are female and range in age from 20 to 70. When it comes to them cleaning the toilets they do not close the facilities down, just march in there and start doing their work. Sitting in a cubicle when they march in, pretty much, for me, stops me from doing the business or when i walk in, and they are there, i will not select a cubicle and decide to go elsewhere in the factory ( Fukkers know, coz they follow me 3 minutes later into the alternative facility as part of their rounds!)

2, Home

The wife has NEVER heard me break wind let alone splash one out into the porcelain throne. Why is it, every time i see her working in the garden or otherwise engaged in an activity, i think to myself its safe to go, as soon as i start my ritual, i hear her footsteps walking by the door!!! and have to stop making noises or attempting to make noises.

3, Public

I'm the same, cannot do my business unless there is hand dryer noises outside the cubicle going on to mask any noise i make


Personally i think this stems back to when i was a child, sitting an exam in exam conditions at school. I heard the door close and assumed the adjudicator had left the room for a second, i lifted my left cheek and let an almighty one go (the seat was plastic and the noise rebounded) The adjudicator had not left the room and within seconds i was slapped, quite heavily, around the head.

Anyone else have this phobia?

Cheers

CbG

Edit to add, now, some people would rather not use paper to wipe but use water (especially at work) so i am confronted, as i walk into the cubicle, with dirty foot marks on the seat and a flood of water around the bowl where my trousers are going to get soaked if i pull them down .... Grrrrrrrrrrrr, just saying

a reply to: corblimeyguvnor


A tad more intense that what most of us naturally feel at such times. Now that you've fingered the problem, start working on a gentle solution that comes out in the end to your favor. The at-work situation can be addressed by speaking to a handy cleaner when one enters the area and you are in a restive but not committed position to ask her to take you to her leader. I understand that is a universal way of starting communications with any intelligent being.

I only make big thunder at home, at a very good friend or relatives house, or a hotel. I like my seclusion and privacy.
Sometimes I'll even take Imodium on days I'll be on the road or out for the entirety in order to save my deposit for a porcelain bank I am comfortable with.

NEVER at work. Once you're known as the guy with the smelly you'll always be some kind of Poo Bandit behind your back.

a reply to: Aliensun

LOL

a reply to: corblimeyguvnor

Quite the different topic here today....!

1. Always find the cleanest stall.
2. Flush while making "sounds". You might have to do it more than several times...but thats all anyone will hear.*
*The only negative with thsi is you might get your um...."end" wet...ter...

a reply to: the owlbear

HAHA, thanks for the laugh

originally posted by: corblimeyguvnor
some people would rather not use paper to wipe but use water

Huh? Do you have a 3 seashells thing going on at work? I think you're right to be nervous.

a reply to: mysterioustranger
LOL tried that, it takes ages to refill the cistern though

If I am at work, and some one anyone walks in... I try like heck to make the most noise and slash down I can.
Then I say in a low whisper "loud enough for them to hear" Dang, I don't remember eating that.

They laugh and I drop another Obama off at the pool...

originally posted by: corblimeyguvnor



The adjudicator had not left the room and within seconds i was slapped, quite heavily, around the head.

Hi corblimey!

That above quote explains it all, friend. Being punished for normal bodily functions will give you issues! (bashful bladder, etc.)

I have a friend whose father would plunge him into an icy bathtub (at a pretty young age) when his little 'friend' would get erect.

We all have issues/baggage I think, from "well-meaning" (sarcasm) yet ignorant adults.

jacy

originally posted by: SlowNail

originally posted by: corblimeyguvnor
some people would rather not use paper to wipe but use water

Huh? Do you have a 3 seashells thing going on at work? I think you're right to be nervous.

Its a religious thing apparently

originally posted by: DogMeat
If I am at work, and some one anyone walks in... I try like heck to make the most noise and slash down I can.
Then I say in a low whisper "loud enough for them to hear" Dang, I don't remember eating that.

They laugh and I drop another Obama off at the pool...

The biggest laugh yet LOLOL, thanks

originally posted by: corblimeyguvnor

originally posted by: SlowNail

originally posted by: corblimeyguvnor
some people would rather not use paper to wipe but use water

Huh? Do you have a 3 seashells thing going on at work? I think you're right to be nervous.

Its a religious thing apparently

Do they squatty on the potty as well?
I love the signs due to people falling and breaking bones telling them to sit down and not poo like a pigeon perched precariously.

originally posted by: jacygirl

originally posted by: corblimeyguvnor



The adjudicator had not left the room and within seconds i was slapped, quite heavily, around the head.

Hi corblimey!

That above quote explains it all, friend. Being punished for normal bodily functions will give you issues! (bashful bladder, etc.)

I have a friend whose father would plunge him into an icy bathtub (at a pretty young age) when his little 'friend' would get erect.

We all have issues/baggage I think, from "well-meaning" (sarcasm) yet ignorant adults.

jacy

I know what you are saying Jacy, school at my age was all about abuse from the teacher, both verbally, physically and mentally. "Metalwork" was a breeze, only Chisells, Copper Mallets and Tungsten Carbide "bits" being thrown at you, them were the days! Hopefully though, apart from a few quirks, i made it through

Sounds like a crappy thread to me.

Let out all your frustration when someone comes to clean the bathroom, I guarantee they will leave when they hear you tooting off at them. Gas is a protective measure, meant to protect your personal area. Mine chases me away many times.

a reply to: corblimeyguvnor

Man, what a topic!

Ok, so from a young age I got taught to put paper in the bowl first, will stop most, if not all the splashing noises. Will stop splashes coming up too! So gross.

originally posted by: jacygirl
I have a friend whose father would plunge him into an icy bathtub (at a pretty young age) when his little 'friend' would get erect.

I told you that in confidence.

originally posted by: Chadwickus
a reply to: corblimeyguvnor

Man, what a topic!

Ok, so from a young age I got taught to put paper in the bowl first, will stop most, if not all the splashing noises. Will stop splashes coming up too! So gross.

Now, why did my mum not tell me that? great advice lol, thanks

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus

originally posted by: jacygirl
I have a friend whose father would plunge him into an icy bathtub (at a pretty young age) when his little 'friend' would get erect.

I told you that in confidence.

I bow to you and only hope to achieve your level of awesome.
Someone give this man some more applause. I almost lost beer. (I know it's early, but I work nights...hell, who am I kidding, I love beer).

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus

originally posted by: jacygirl
I have a friend whose father would plunge him into an icy bathtub (at a pretty young age) when his little 'friend' would get erect.

I told you that in confidence.