Lets discuss "Online Dating"

originally posted by: GreenGunther
I'm a 20 something year old, and I wouldn't mind meeting some new girls. My morals are in the right place and I believe I have my head on straight when it comes to relationships. I've been through a couple of crappy relationships and a couple of really good ones. I just don't like social media or connecting with someone over a phone, but these days I guess I don't have a choice anymore.

You have changed my perspective. I think it's time to give this online dating thing a shot, is tinder okay to start with? Or is that just for people looking for 'casual fun'?

No...

start with the basics... POF

a reply to: Akragon

The fact that Internet dating is even a thing makes me wonder if I ought to just give it up.

Maybe Journey were wrong, maybe I ought to stop believing, accept that the world is no longer a place where I might find some small measure of companionship in my physical life? All the magic has been sucked out of the world, every drop of its raw essence taking with it the colour from everything, leaving those who navigate the world by the sparks, the beacons of light and colour that are left, stumbling around in the half dark, wondering why they are still here, what their purpose is.

But if the real world is to become purgatory, then so be it. All I know for sure is that if there is a woman in the world for me, she sure as hell is not trying to get a date with the help of a damned algorithm.

a reply to: TrueBrit

Holy crap....

brother it isn't that hard... happyness is a stones throw away

They are out there... for each and every one of us...

perhaps its judgement that keeps people seperated...

So why worry about judges?

a reply to: Akragon

There is a vast difference between judgement and discernment.

Natural, normal, old fashioned romance has about as much to do with the Internet as biological warfare has to do with sword smithing.

ETA: Or at least, that's what a woman I would consider dating, thinks about the whole premise. Absolute, willful determination not to live in the period of history in which we exist, an irrational need to shake off as much modernity as possible... That is what I am talking about. The woman for me is looking for someone across a crowded space, walking rather than using Uber, does not even have a damned Facbook page, has limited their internet use to include as little interaction between the Internet and their physical life as possible, with only the most exceptional exceptions.

Both middle fingers up to the entire concept of online dating I am afraid. It's destroyed the world for old fashioned people, and I hope all the sites get viruses.

It's not for me. I tried it for about a month and became appalled at myself for reducing human beings to the lowest level of disposability with a simple swipe left.

The women I spoke to for the most part were clingy, some had serious psychological issues and I found that despite being laid back and non committal about the whole thing the couple of dates I did go on ended up being particularly tense as the women had raised their expectations way too high. They may have been lovely people but when you're telling me how great it's gonna be when I move in with you 15 minutes into a coffee meeting and I've only ever exchanged pleasantries with you it's horrifying.

I'd much prefer to use the old fashioned method of just seeing somebody you like the look of and approaching them.

I've tried a few dating sites and not had much luck. Communicated back and forth with a few ladies but nothing major eventuated. I recently starting using Tinder because it's apparently the latest craze that people my age should get into if looking for new friendships or romance. No luck so far but only been using it several days so time will tell.

a reply to: MagnaCarta2015

Wow...good grief.

For my part, I insist that if someone wants to dismiss me from their psychological space, they do it while I am looking them square in the eye. It saves one from carrying that horrible toxin...what's it called...hope! That's it! It saves one from carrying hope around all day. I much prefer reality, rather than neurochemically altered perception when about my daily routine. I do not enjoy waking up alone, or not having any physical affection in my life, or anyone to share that life with in any deep sense. I do not enjoy these things at all, but if I have to wake up in the morning and have an empty day to look forward to, then I would rather take it on the chin, than wander about with an unrealistic hope in my heart.

That stuff is bloody poison.

a reply to: TrueBrit

Nothing wrong with old fashioned romance, TrueBrit; you seem like a very intelligent person, but you must know that idealism rarely leads to satisfaction. What's keeping you from finding a match?

a reply to: TrueBrit

There's nothing wrong with being alone and waiting for the right person to come along, too many people settle and end up even more miserable.

As a single middle aged man with living in a small town, with a history of womanising , drugs and alcohol , basically a low life, I had trouble making a change. I wanted out of the old life but I have a great job and moving was out of the question. A new start and a good woman was really what I wanted. Local "Nice girls" did not want anything to do with this old boy as a leopard does not change its spots.

P.O.F near by towns. Oh yea. I met a couple of crazy women and then my present wife of ten years.

My life has never been better. I am blessed to be with such a fine woman with such an amazing heart, so filled with love. I have never in my life chose coming home over going out partying before. My old friends don't recognise me . My family that used to avoid me now fly in regularly to visit , fish , bbq, couple of beers, all that family stuff .

All because of a free internet date site this big old redneck got his shot at the good life.

The other half that makes you whole is out there, don't let fear and common sense hold you back.

Haven't tried online dating, mostly because it strikes me as being the penultimate level of crazy that "the people of walmart & FB" only hope to aspire too.


Plus there's the whole "SURE!! I'd love to meet a psychopath/narcissist/serial murderer!!" issue. Yeah...there's enough dysfunctional & crazy in regular life without charging into the shallow end of the gene pool headfirst.
feel free to critique my comedy routine and don't forget to tip the bar keep on the way out!


More laughter!! At this rate if I meet anyone it's going to take a stone-cold miracle. Heads up to you single guys, lots of us single chicklets pretty much just go to work, stay home and occasionally run a few errands. At some point you will just have to walk up to us at the gas station or make cute faces at the lawn & garden center as we score some mulch. Possibly kidnap us at a red light?

I understand the UK is different with pubs an all, but here you only go to the bar looking for company if you feel the burning need to have a alcoholic in your life for the added drama, followed by a side order of codependent theater.

Congrats to those who online dating worked for!!
You all are so very-very brave.

Edited to add....no offense to crazy people, drinkers or killers. I have serious respect for folks who have delt with their addictions and come out the other side.

a reply to: Atsbhct

I am not looking for a "match". I can find those in the household aisle of any supermarket. I am looking for a lady, and they are damned hard to find.

As for what's stopping me? Who the hell knows? The direction of the wind, the alignment of the stars, the solar minimum/maximum cycle, neutrinos...somehow? I have no problem talking to women, when they are prepared to speak to me as well of course. I do not just sidle up to people and accost them while they are about their business, because I am a gentleman, and therefore a change in that stance is impossible. But I can talk with a woman without issue. I can even get a phone number under the right circumstances, but I cannot for the life of me get a text message back, leave alone a second meeting, and not even a date, just a hang out. It's so strange.

I can spend an entire evening, well into the early hours of the morning, or for that matter, the late hours of the morning, drinking, talking, having what seems to be a great time with a lady, but when I text her while she is in the cab home to inform her that the evenings events have been an absolute pleasure, or words to that effect, no answer is ever forth coming. And I do not mean that I, personally, have had good evenings like this. I mean that myself, and a woman, have before now met in a bar all of a random, charged around all over town, all night long, both having an obviously great time, and none the less, no reply. Only a perfunctory return of New Years greeting, and a short and formulaic one at that.

I am doing what I damned well ought to be doing. It simply does not work, and the only thing that needs to change, is that it needs to work, because someone needs to come across me, who has the ability to value the sort of man I am, who has no desire for anything other than the sort of man I am, and has no wish to change even the ugliest thing about me, which would be no less than said lady would receive from me in any case. In that regard I am not asking for much, only what I would give to a lady who had the right stuff. Equivalent exchange of desire and honesty.

As it is, I am sure that women generally see me either as zero sexual threat, that is they totally fail to recognise me as male, so warped is their understanding of my gender, or they merely think that I am some kind of immigrant from a comic book universe, which must be where my ninja star lobbing wife, and broadsword wielding progeny live, at the top of a fiery mountain with our pet dragon, Steve.

I have literally been told by a woman "You know, I have never met a man like you in my whole life" while she stared deep into my eyes, smiling the whole time, only to not text me back, even on the basis that I am a fun fellow to know as a friend.

But I will tell you this much, if what I have going on is not enough, then evidently I need to wait until someone who knows how to value people properly comes along. I certainly will not be resorting to ungentlemanly behaviour to get what I want, and even more certainly will not be consulting the Internet, where people are even less connected in the moment, to find what I am looking for. The hell with all of that!

a reply to: Akragon

I'm married, and never used, nor considered an online dating site. If I was still single, I still wouldn't consider an online dating site. That said, I don't think there's anything wrong with people doing so if that's what they feel is best for them.

To me, it seems it would be the opposite of what people hope it would be. They're hoping for less awkwardness, less time-consuming, improved "filtering", more options. I would find it far more awkward to try to make a connection with someone I'm not speaking with in person.


I never "set out" to meet women, it always happened as part of life. Whether because a friend of a friend you hadn't met before attends a party you're at, a fellow dog walker on the path ("beautiful dog" is a great pickup line), a co-worker, a friend's girlfriend's sister. I didn't spend time seeking out women. Online dating/meeting seems awfully time-consuming to me.

The subtleties your subconscious mind detects and uses to provide you with positive, negative, or insightful cues about a person are basically non-existent with online dating. My mind is a signficiantly better algorithmic calculator than any website's, and factors in an infinite number of cues, rather than the "stats" entered into a person's profile on a website. Those cues can be so subtle you're not even aware of them consciously. Slight movements of facial muscles and pupil dilation/constriction based on something you say or a movement you make tell you something in-person. Besides the obvious personality-compatibility "Q&A" people go through with each other, when a lot of those subtle cues add up to a positive or negative connection, both individuals "just know" whether taking things further makes sense. It's not magic or anything like that - it's rapid, complex and massive information processing. Websites just don't do this. People interacting in person do, and do it faster than a webpage loads.

As far as more options - that can be true in some ways. Living in a small town of say 500 people means the internet opens you up to a lot more people, however, it also only allows in those people who put themselves up for online dating. Still, people can leave themselves open to both, of course.

I believe life, in general, presents a much greater range of possibilities, and that pre-filtering via online services cuts out most of a person's most ideal candidates. That isn't to say it doesn't work - it surely does work in some cases. Also, unlike myself, some people feel more comfortable meeting people based on profiles, "matching" preferences, and through the medium of a computer/phone than they do face to face. That's fine. For people who are really bad judges of character, I could see how the filtering provided by such services could be helpful (if the people they're considering are honest, of course.) The only way I see how it could be a time saver is for the type of person who actually dedicates time to trying to meet people to date - which seems like a supremely miserable endeavor in my opinion.

I guess that's just my stream of thought / opinion on why it's not for me (if I were to be "looking") and never has been. It's so limiting, and frankly, WAY too much effort, when meeting people is kind of a natural facet of being human.

I also find it fun to think on the many-years-long chain of events which led to me meeting my wife. Just one excerpt in the process: 17 years before I met my wife (while in high school), a girl I was in Orchestra with mentioned a friend of hers to me who lived just a few blocks from me and was also big into inline skating. She introduced us, we became great friends. As her younger brother grew up, he joined us in our skating and other adventures and we became great friends as well. Years later, the brother was back in town, working a couple-months-long job about an hour south from me. He used his GPS to find a bar in the area he was going to be in. The first place that popped up on the GPS, a TGIF, is the one he went to. I wasn't aware he was back in town and hadn't seen him in a few years. I was supposed to be helping my brother rebuild part of his deck that day, but he had something come up, so I drove down and met my buddy at the restaurant/bar. My future wife was working as a cocktail waitress there while going to nursing school.

Thinking of the paths that led to our meeting is mind-boggling. If I hadn't taken up playing the double-bass in 4th grade, I wouldn't have been friends with the girl who introduced me to the friend whose little brother was working for a small company which was just bought out by a large Japanese corporation, who assigned him to lead the project he was driving to. On his way to his hotel, the moment in his drive he chose to have his GPS search for a watering hole resulted in the place my future wife was working showing up as the first option. His decision to call me with the "surprise! I'm in town, come drink with me!" coupled with my brother's change of plans...without that perception of an incredible chain of events, it would all just feel too artificial to me.

If it works out in happiness for people, however, then I'm very happy for them, and I have nothing against it or against anyone's decision to do so.

a reply to: TrueBrit

Its really admirable that you won't compromise your principles. There are definitely women out there that appreciate gentlemen but it may take them a while and going through a lot of prior BS to reach that understanding and realise what it has to offer. Many are still used to playing the game even though they're sick of it.

I think social engineering and the pursuance of instant gratification has done a vast amount of damage to how humans interact with eachother and how they view themselves, dating can be a frigging minefield man.

a reply to: MagnaCarta2015

I think social engineering and the pursuance of instant gratification has done a vast amount of damage to how humans interact with eachother and how they view themselves, dating can be a frigging minefield man.

Agreed.

originally posted by: MagnaCarta2015
It's not for me. I tried it for about a month and became appalled at myself for reducing human beings to the lowest level of disposability with a simple swipe left.

The women I spoke to for the most part were clingy, some had serious psychological issues and I found that despite being laid back and non committal about the whole thing the couple of dates I did go on ended up being particularly tense as the women had raised their expectations way too high. They may have been lovely people but when you're telling me how great it's gonna be when I move in with you 15 minutes into a coffee meeting and I've only ever exchanged pleasantries with you it's horrifying.

I'd much prefer to use the old fashioned method of just seeing somebody you like the look of and approaching them.

Those are your experiences and I can respect that, but do remember that psychologically unbalanced people are to be found in walks of life, as well as the clingy types you speak of.

The old fashioned method is risky these days. I have had women smile at me on public transport and smiled back, but fear taking it any further in case it makes her feel uncomfortable — it doesn't take much these days to be accused of harassment. Plus generally women aren't into the whole attraction-only thing, unless you happen to be Brad Pitt of course. They tend to want to get to know you better before being asked out and will feel creeped out if you ask them out after only interacting with them once.

I was on OKCupid and POF.com, and I liked OKCupid's question system. You could answer as many questions as you wanted. The more questions you answered the better match you got.

I found my new wife on POF, she is really great. You get out of it what you put into it. That is, I spent decades learning psychology and relationship dynamics, and addressing issues I had. Only when I addressed most of my major issues did I start to realize what I really needed, so I could go look for it.

I found being honest about what I was looking for was the best policy. I found many nice people but only one that had the kills for LTR (long term relationship). The lack of even the most basic communication and relationship skills in my Generation X is appalling, but I did find a keeper.

I certainly don't want to date online. I used the sites to find a person online, then we go on dates in real life.

Remember, finding that most compatible person is not taught to any person by any school or anywhere at all in the US, so that's what makes it very difficult. Most people don't know the issues of compatibility in the first place.

You missed OKCUPID.

a reply to: Akragon

I'll just say this: Dating sites do work...but only if:
1. You put the time and effort into it.
2. You realize that just having the profile will not be enough to get someone.
3. You treat it as an extension of your dating habits rather than a primary source of your dating.

That said, I will say that I have had good experiences with POF and OKC - I average about 2 decent people a month (it might not sound like much, but if I go by the average, I'm getting to spend time with 24 potential partners a year). True, so far most have resulted in one of us deciding not to pursue, but that's part of life.

Also, if anyone is thinking about diving into the online world, I cannot stress enough trying to invite the person out in public. In my case, I'll tell the person I want to take them out for a "pre date" (or, if they are into computers "Date 0"). All this usually is, is when you and them go for a walk, get coffee, or something else where either party could decide to end and leave at any point. If you both decide to stay, then it becomes a date. When I'm with you in person, I can determine within about 15 minutes if you are someone compatible. Online, it takes several back and forth messages.

-foss

I joined some dating site maybe 8 or 9 years ago... Got nothing but creeps in the whole week I stuck with it. And then a friend and I created a fake profile, just to creep people out ourselves. Good times! Bit more mature these days, but, you know.

In my experience - It's far easier to meet people who have similar interests to you, in an environment you both share. Even if that environment happens to be online! My partner and I met years ago on World of Warcraft of all things. It's basically a glorified chatroom these days anyway.

One of my closest friends met his wife online, just found randomly on MSN chat back in the day. He was 16 and she was 14 at the time, 5 years later they met, 2 years after that they were married, and it's been almost a decade since then now.

Websites dedicated to dating in particular don't have to be the only way.