Dag nabit!

a reply to: geezlouise

Well, some things DO break us!

You will be stronger, on the other side...

a reply to: geezlouise

I just feel weak like I should be able to handle this... like I shouldn't let it break me. But I won't lie, I'm broke af.

Ernest Hemingway said it best in A Farewell to Arms.

The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.

It's okay to bend and it's okay to break. You'll just be strong in the broken places. It's when you can't or won't break that you're in trouble.

originally posted by: Skid Mark
a reply to: geezlouise
ETA: Have you heard the one about the Klingons around Uranus? They were wiped out.

LOL!

But yeah... because feelings. Unbelievable feelings attached to unbelievable events.

However I'm not a firm believer that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. In fact, I think it's the opposite.

Stress hormones literally pull energy away from vital organs and the immune system in order to place that energy into your muscles... preparing you for a fight or flight situation. After prolonged periods of stress hormones wrecking havoc on your body... it's only a matter of time before SHTF.

Yeah, thems the rules. I didn't make em. Was just born this way.
And sometimes it's just like, time to get all stuffy nosed and cry about it.

a reply to: geezlouise
Cry it out then. Get rid of it. Keeping it all bottled up inside is toxic. Trust me, I know.

a reply to: Skid Mark

Ernest Hemingway was a smart fellow. But generalisation, no matter how flowery, is generalisation.

Recent events have taught me that as bad as I feel, as broken as I may seem, even to myself, I cannot be broken, and the only things in existence that can kill me, are time, entropy, and God. Whether I am exception which proves a general rule, or one of an uncounted many, I have no idea.

Either way, Hemingway's rule of thumb does not apply to all of us.

a reply to: Skid Mark

I denied entire parts of my reality until one day I couldn't anymore and my body quite suddenly suicided in the form of an auto-immune disorder... incurable but treatable. Treatable but very, very peculiar and annoying.

I think bottling it up is exactly what I did in the form of denying it. I just denied and denied and denied until it filled up inside of me and suddenly burst forth like a raging sickness in the form of toxic projectile diarrhea that caused a very real epigenetic change.

So.... moral of the story? Don't bottle up your feelings, kids. Or else, ^.

a reply to: geezlouise

So it is STILL never lupus?

That's a relief... For a moment there I thought that House might have gotten something wrong! Have you attempted to learn meditational discipline? I am not talking about some new age, old fangled hoodoo, but the process as a tool to aid cogitation? It can be very freeing.

a reply to: TrueBrit

I'm going to agree with you about not being totally destroyed on some deep level but. But! Yeah I'm pretty darn shattered, inside and out. Just trying not to hurt anything in the way but sometimes you know there's that rage that can't be satisfied? Or... you don't know. Either way it's there, inside of me. And I think it's there because of the lack of resolution on the matter.

Gotta self vindicate and find closure somehow. But for now it's just like this incredibly frustrating itch that just can't be reached. And I don't know how long it'll take before I just really break down and refuse to ever get out of bed again. No I'm not talking about suicide but I'd be satisfied with just laying around and watching people be forced to wipe my poopy butt for the rest of my life in a defiant refusal to participate any longer in this charade that we call life. But even if I did break down like that, you're right. I'd still be inside, some small part of me still fully intact and unbroken and myself.

Still, no matter what... It hurts. Life did it to me. Yes I'm pointing fingers at this point in my healing process. Dangit! Let me point fingers!!! I DIDN'T WANT THIS TO HAPPEN, this isn't my idea of a grand time. I'm not making any of it up either, you unbelieving muthafuggers iHy!!!! But for real ily.

And truly, thank you so much to everyone who has been kind to me. It really does help.

a reply to: TrueBrit

PS: Not lupus.

There are antibodies in my blood...
they attack the islets of my pancreas.

s2.quickmeme.com...

a reply to: geezlouise


It's okay. It happens to all of us.

Sometimes when things get to me and I feel like life isn't treating me fairly, I find a place that I can be reasonable sure I'm alone and throw a hissy fit at the world. Scream, cry, cuss, shake your fists and stamp your feet. Might sound a bit psychotic, but I find it to be a great stress reliever.

Of course, coming here and opening up to the wonderful people on ATS is sometimes enough to help me get through. Kind of like a group therapy session.

With that in mind, I looked up a video by a group called Playing For Change. They go around the world to record musicians playing or singing to a song and edit the recordings together into a single presentation. Money from the sale of their albums is used to sponsor music programs for school children in lesser privileged areas.

Hope you enjoy the video.

a reply to: geezlouise
You could always shut yourself up in a secluded room and scream. The worst that could happen is you'll scare your neighbors.

a reply to: geezlouise

Whatever it is about - you are allowed to cry and be sad. I cry about things sometimes - It's better to let it all out instead of hold it in.

Take it easy - And my inbox is always open.

-foss

a reply to: geezlouise

What the heck? Triple post???

a reply to: geezlouise

Gah, double post.

-foss

ok Bernard

originally posted by: Ismynameimportant
ok Bernard

???? huh and i am kinda thinking this threads being trolled by the OP

a reply to: geezlouise

Hey, keep your head up. Sometimes life sucks but you can get through it. Also, there's no shame in having moments of sadness or "weakness". One of the reasons humans have lasted this long is because we can help each other through ups & downs.

(Just thought about it. "Keep your head up" might have a different meaning to some people. The way we always meant it was similar to 2Pac's old song "Keep Ya Head Up".)

a reply to: malevolent

no

Just paranoia.....

originally posted by: Ismynameimportant
a reply to: malevolent

no

Just paranoia.....

interesting can you share with the group about how that makes you feel? geezlouise can you elaborate on your OP what has you so down?