The sickness of the soul

I thought I knew depression. I thought I knew him, like a dark blue coat I'd wear during the winter months, to shed it again and come back to the light, only to don it again.
I thought we'd had an understanding. I've already Done My Time with depression. The rampant paranoia, the mood swings, the wishing I was dead, the ugly crying over a Save The Donkeys advert.

I thought that blue coat had been put away for a good long while. And while that blue coat was tucked away, my life flourished. I moved across an entire country. Alone. Because I could. I had jobs that lead to better and better things all the time. I met incredible people who enjoyed things that I enjoyed too, who introduced me to little underground writers groups, and actors and musicians. I met vegans and didn't feel inclined to make fun of them afterwards. I felt fulfilled, finally! This is what I wanted to be doing!
And then I met a wonderful man who is still wonderful now! Cherry on the cake or what?!

Well the flour in the cake had weevils, the cherry decomposed and the icing was sour.

I thought I knew depression.

But this...

Depression is such a powerful thing, the way it affects you is incredible in a crazy sounding way that I in no way apologise for.

Have you ever been so depressed you've cried at the HAPPY ending in a film? I have.
Have you ever cried at an "Epic Fail" video because someone hurt themselves and cried in such a way that it called to a primal part of your being that knows that suffering? Yeah, me too.
I cry frequently BECAUSE MY BOYFRIEND IS NICE TO ME.
Have you ever been so depressed it has almost made you blind? Not in a true medical way that actually affects your vision, but like there is a black halo around your field of vision apart from whatever it is you're looking at specifically? This is an interesting one, because in managing my depression, I've taken to watching a lot of documentaries. I figure if I'm going to be sad and not bathe today, I may as well learn something in the process. Which is why on Christmas Day I watched a lot of videos in my room about Number Stations. When watching kinda late afternoon, early evening, I had put the lights on because we are or aren't in daylight savings right now??? All I was aware of was the TV (and the creepy voices reading the numbers out), and I was almost completely unaware the lights were on.
Have you ever been so depressed that you lived your life on autopilot? This is a pretty awful and dangerous part of depression, the depersonalization. I've been living on auto-pilot for two months now. I'm 'aware' in a sense, that I'm feeling pain in my arm right now, and that there is a breeze in the room. But I feel like I'm not living at the centre of my brain. I'm more tucked back in the corner with a bottle of rum in my mouth, and periscoping my vision from my eyes to my hidden consciousness, all safely tucked away back there. Cuz obviously right, if I'm not FULLY EXPERIENCING what I've got going on right now (which to be fair is an awful darn lot), then I won't FEEL it as badly emotionally? If I detach myself from the dying and the money worries and the other stuff, I can deal with that when the coat comes off.

Depression isn't just crying at stuff because it made you feel a bit sad. Depression is still being up at 4am, having a smoke in your back garden and listening to the owls and the wind in the trees and wishing it was always like this with no-one else ever to talk to you again. Depression is not doing laundry for weeks and getting down to your last pair of clean underwear and realising someone has just loaded the washing machine with their clothes, then just deciding you'll get some delivered online rather than go through the bother of A: actually doing the washing, and B: leaving the house and conversing with people while wearing smelly pants. Depression is having Whooping Cough and not going to the doctor at any point to do anything about it. Depression is taking everything personally, even when rationally, you're being a tit. Depression is going into the grocery store to get food for two people to eat, and coming out with an energy drink and nacho cheese sauce dip.

These were aspects I'd never CONCEIVED about depression. I thought the depression I'd experienced before was horrific. That was just the white belt depression in comparison to how I feel recently. That was Training Bra Barbie with interchangeable underwear sets. This depression right now feels like the Kraken and Cthulhu mated so hard they ruined my life.
Do you know how many times in the past month I've been out of my house? Probably less than 5.

I know this probably sounds like I'm not really depressed at all, or like I'm bragging about how depressed I am, like it's so impressive. She's making jokes but she's depressed? I'm in AWE of my depression right now. I'm absolutely fascinated by it. I'm inclined to believe some of the pain in my arms and fingers is probably mental too, like caused by the depression.
I feel like I'm still heavily and horribly depressed about stuff but like I've also transcended it, I'm now looking on it in a whole new light.
I'm working on coming out of it. Slowly.

And now I'm going to tentatively socialise. It is Boxing Day, after all...

a reply to: Lulzaroonie

Eat carrots, they are awesome, and will make just about anything better.

a reply to: Lulzaroonie

I feel it. Believe me, you're not alone in this battle.

That bit about the smoke in the garden with the owls, thats been me for the past 2 months too.

a reply to: Lulzaroonie

YES!!!!

I'm sorry that you are suffering.
I get it and I understand.

Depression is still being up at 4am, having a smoke in your back garden and listening to the owls and the wind in the trees and wishing it was always like this with no-one else ever to talk to you again

It's a shame our gardens don't connect...
It doesn't sound any way other than how you intend it

or like I'm bragging about how depressed I am, like it's so impressive

IT is yours to feel and deal with. There is light and I know it is hard to see/find but, it is there...

When I find it, I shall give you the directions to it...so that you maybe can find it too!

a reply to: Lulzaroonie

I'm bipolar. I get the best of both worlds!

As I get older I learn to laugh at it all because really the Universe is quite insane.

Up and down, yoyo flux capacitor!

I thought I was the only one that felt this way, your thread really struck a chord with me. I've gone through life stuck in a sense of feeling utterly alone. Even after having the life I've had. Which has been a series of good and bad. Your thread has helped me realize, that what I'm going through is more of a mental vendetta against myself. I've been trying to figure out why and how to overcome this problem of mine, which has held me back in a lot of aspects. After understanding from anothers perspective, I feel as if I could go forward and defeat this internal demon that's been eating at me for so long. I understand it's not an easy task but I believe with the right amount of determination anything is possible. I wish the best of luck to you in your battle against depression and know you're not alone in the struggle. Be safe and NEVER give up.

a reply to: Lulzaroonie

I had a serious bout of depression a few years ago. I physically felt the depression like a ton of rocks on my chest. Luckily I was able to manage it and crawl out of that hole. For people that can't manage it, please seek help.

I suffered from this years ago and it nearly drove me to suicide.

There’s an insidious enemy that most people have and this enemy is called fear and it’s stopping you from achieving your destiny.

You do NOT have to put up with it.

Below are some ideas on what to do about it...

It was a period of time that I went through deep, deep depression, and I came to the place where all I could think about was suicide. I believe it was an attack of Satan trying to destroy me. But through a miracle of God, I saw Jesus on the Sea of Galilee. I’d never been there before, but I recognized it two or three years later when Paul and I were in Israel. I found the same shoreline where this vision had taken place. There were boats on the water, and then I saw Jesus under a tree. Three or four of the disciples were around Him. And there I stood in all my hell, with my hair hanging over my face and … one of the men with Jesus leaned over and said something to Him, and He kind of chuckled and laughed and they all sat down.

All of a sudden, one of them said something that I couldn’t hear and Jesus began to laugh and laugh and laugh. He just began to guffaw … He was leaning over and laughing and laughing. Well, it was in the middle of the night and I sat straight up in bed. If you’ve ever seen anyone laugh, you know it makes you laugh. I started laughing and laughing and I couldn’t quit laughing for a couple of hours, because Jesus had brought me a miracle of joy and peace that just restored me…

www.charismamag.com...

Are you suffering with severe depression? LISTEN TO THIS PROGRAM. There is some HELP in it for you…OK? She was depressed life was just to hard: too many disappointments, there was no real hope… the agonizing pain in her back would soon end… she was just going to mall and get a few things and the go home and kill herself… MP3 Part 1 MP3 Part 2

Tom Ruotolo’s School of Power and Love

Depression results in life when a person is growing spiritually. It doesn’t feel that way when you are in it, but the end result can often be excellent as a person moves ahead in their life. This “mid life crisis” freefall leads one to the “dark night of the soul” experience.

If a person goes through the dark night of the soul experience and comes out the other side, they can transcend self and experience God’s Love first hand. This results in an inner peace and a freedom from the downward spiral. Just as focusing on self identity gets a person out of dependency depression, focusing on God through prayer gets one out of a loss of self identity depression. This process is not just theory, it is real and experiential.

How demons create depression, fear, disease...the remedy!

But as a result of what he went through, he finally snapped. He lost his ability to function as a human. So they put him into the Delaware State Institution for the Insane, and they decided the only thing they could do was an electronic lobotomy. That means he would be confined to being about a three-year-old for the rest of his life. But two days before the lobotomy, a courageous man shares the Gospel with him and Gary Whetstone said a prayer of salvation. He didn’t understand what he was doing, but all of a sudden after that prayer, he was in his right mind.

There’s an insidious enemy that most people have. Some haven’t even identified this enemy, and this enemy is called fear. It’s stopping you from achieving your destiny. It is stopping you from selling out completely to the Kingdom of Heaven. It’s stopping you from having supernatural peace.

John Waller, the famous Christian musician battled with depression for 20 years. During this 20 year battle against hell, that is against the battle of depression, GOD was slowly, every so slowly teaching John exactly what depression is. After 20+ years of John Waller suffering in this terrible life shattering depression, JESUS showed John clearly that this was a demon of depression whom was tormenting him.

Now I know that probably 90% of Christianity thinks that depression is a medical problem, but I am here to tell you that you are wrong! Depression is an extremely powerful demon that once again if left UN checked, can ruin lives, families and careers too! GOD taught John Waller that if would stop thinking bad thoughts, while stopping all of the depressing thoughts too, that the demons would go away!

TODD WHITE PLAYLIST - 28 Videos (Freedom, Joy, Depression, Suicide)

Another good article that reinforces a key spiritual principal of giving away exactly what we need...

Depression is the ‘feeling’ of hopelessness, and the simple cure for hopelessness is hope. God is the author and source of hope, so He is the one and only true antidepressant. Again, use everything at your disposal to get your head above water so you can catch your breath. Only, use that breath to also find something firm under the surface, something that you can stand on. God is there and only He can effectively support you forever. His ways are the only true long-term cure.

Each day I concentrate on three things: trust God, clean house (morally), and help others. ~ Jared Akers

The Bible shows us the mind and ways of God. God does not want you to just manage your depression, He wants you to be totally free from depression. Believing the Bible releases His presence and power. However, one must also act on the scriptures to see His hand move – to make depression leave for good. Knowing hope on a legal level is fine, but experiencing hope firsthand is quite another thing. Feeling His approval and the joy of giving will change you forever.

Helping the poor and helpless is your door to recovery. Find someone who cannot pay you back, and give them something that everyone can give – love and acceptance. And if you can afford more than that, give it. Give out of your need. God will bless it. This verse says that when you shelter and help another person, you are also sheltering and helping yourself.

Then your light will break out like the dawn, And your recovery will speedily spring forth; And your righteousness will go before you; The glory of the LORD will be your rear guard. Isaiah 58:8

As you help others, the light of God’s hope and a sense of His joy will flow into your life. Your recovery will come faster than you think. The original language that is translated ‘recovery’ in this verse speaks of the healing of one’s scars. The Bible is telling us that as we labor to heal others, our scars will heal. It is a promise from God. Believe it.

Helping Others Is God’s Prescription for Depression

I feel you, OP. I spent the majority of my teen and adult years on autopilot depressed . Lost, empty, and hate for myself. So depressed I cared for nothing. Most of my problems were with women. At every turn, it seemed I had these golden opportunities to relate..to grow.., but Id always find a way to screw them up ROYALLY. Other times I was amazed at how easily I could trounce on some else's heart/feelings without a drop of remorse.

I thought of suicide, but not seriously.. sometimes I taunted myself; felt cowardly because I knew I wouldnt/couldnt do it.. anyways, I knew that if I killed myself, I would just end up feeling worse wherever I went on the other side.

Dont stop dragging the ball n chain OP. At the bottom of Hell you find Heaven!

a reply to: Lulzaroonie

You're not alone, you will probably find the greatest concentration of depressed people here on ats than anywhere else on the net, because the kind of active and inquisitive minds that are drawn here tend to see the world in a different way to most of their peers and this can lead to feeling alone or weird and eventually disconnected from everyone.

a reply to: Lulzaroonie

I'm completely serious: go out and get the highest dose vitamin D and a vitamin B complex you can find. It is not a cure all, but it can help immensely. Zinc is good for the anxiety component.

See a doctor, if you haven't yet, and take exquisite care of yourself. We're past solstice, so it just gets brighter from here!

a reply to: Lulzaroonie

2 Timothy 1:7 (KJV)

7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

I'm praying for you. Please call on the power of Jesus Christ. Satan will attack to keep you from becoming who God wants you to be. You are strong in Christ and Satan knows this. This is the storm that stengthens us! Know who you are in God and nothing can touch you! By grace through faith we are saved!

In Jesus name, I bind the spirits of confusion, depression, fear and anger and cast them into the pit never to be released again! Anything ungodly residing within your home I rebuke in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Please pray this with belief that God is faithful to be there for ANYONE that may call on him.

Big E-Hug from me.

Depression sucks.

Thank you so very much every one.
It's been a real ball kicker the last few days/weeks since I wrote that. This is the first time I've actually turned my laptop on since. I'm not doing too good a job at keeping up with things right now.

Certainly one thing depression does for me is make me a lot more focussed on my writing.
But things are still foggy. I'm not quite as depersonalised as I've been recently, even had a couple of days of full clarity and nigh on contentment, which as been lovely.
I'm working on getting a plan of action for my life sorted.
It's been a really hectic couple of years for me and I think it's all come to a head now. And it has to get worse before it gets better right now, that's just one thread of the situation I'm in right now.

I do feel a lot of positivity and motivation inside me, and I want to get that rolling. I screwed up big time last year by blowing away the opportunity to write for a huge UK media publication. Just because I was too lethargic and depressed to pull my finger out my ass and send back paperwork. I threw away the job of my life.

Lesson learned, hopefully I can redeem myself in some way, but that's a small step in the path to where I want to get from here.

a reply to: Lulzaroonie

Welcome back!!
Sent you a U2U....