Ditching your parents

a reply to: bally001

As for me I havn't really talked to my parents much for the last 9 years. Childhood was mostly neglect and alcoholism. crazy fights most days, and always being scared. My dad still cut everyone down for everything my little brother won't see him on his own. My mom screams at the top of her lungs for no reason. She always did. Being alive pisses her off. Waking up pisses her off. Other people doing anything in another room pisses her off. I've tried for 29 years to change these #s.

My dad stopped trying to contact me. They won't know where I live soon.
Done and Done, and I havn't missed them all this time.
I find love from myself and now that I know what love is I spread it around.

I can't waste anymore time getting # on.

they will be allowed to see me if they make the effort. But soon as they mess up it's go home and be in time out.

They both know they #ed us all up. my mom cried about it for a year and I told her I forgave her and I spent my time for years going through my head forgiving everything my parents did to me, but then guess what she goes right back to destroying anyones peace of mind all day everyday. She's the most negative person I have ever met in my life.

My dad laughs at hurting people.

So anyway.. Not everyones parents are worth having around. I have almost no emotional connection to them.

I only got better and healed myself in their absence. Wow finally I am growing and learning becoming confident at amazing speed. Be around them and want to die... Hmmm Easy choice for me.

And yes I was hit too.. I still sometimes flinch around both my parents if they reach for something near my head.

Other's mileage may vary.

I'm going to thanksgiving at my brothers house with my sister and my other brother. Those are the loving relationships of my family. My brothers and sister. We always stuck close under the turmoil of two raging scary people.

They don't deserve me, and I have done my best to help them heal. they are on their own now.

I keep coming back to all of you writing
I am stunned thank you for carying

a reply to: Reverbs

Well, I guess compared to your's and Layaly I had a good upbringing. No violence or alcoholism, just my only complaint was the nitpicking. I was the youngest and last to leave home. Maybe that was the reason.

Cheers to you 'Reverbs'. Very powerful post you have replied to me with. Put me in my place (my thoughts). Best wishes to you and yours. You sound like you are a good and decent person regardless of your past circumstances and thanks for sharing your story. I feel humbled.

My regards,

Bally

a reply to: bally001

Thank you for saying that.

Much appreciated.

And you know because I went through my own mind and did all the error corrections, mostly gaining self worth and also forgiving everything in my past including myself.. I am able to be a good person. I have no regret about my life, and in fact I feel quite lucky these days.

a reply to: Layaly

Why all the fuss over a natural phenomenon?

When we are adults we are meant to leave the nest. No parents get it completely right.

I have been through all this with my parents at one time. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

If I could give you any advice it would be to ASSERT yourself very directly before their very eyes. Jesus said about letting your yes be yes and your no be no. I learned to say yes and no to them.

Having too much of a shared life with our parents when we are fully fledged adults is not actually very natural.

Look how the birds do it: The mother will kick the clingiest fledgling out of the nest if need be and refuse to feed them any more so they can develop their own independence.

My problems stopped when I learned to say no to my parents as well as yes and when I stopped being too clingy (one can be emotionally clingy even from a distance). I stopped blaming them for what they did not get quite right and saluted what they did get right.

I visit them for a meal for a few hours every couple of weeks and the odd telephone chat, too. That seems healthy and proper.

Please don't abandon your parents. If they have wronged you forgive them and start over. Assert yourself. It will be upsetting at first, but we must let others know how we feel about them.

"No, Mum": It is an easy thing to say and only gets easier the more we say it. People don't take advantage of assertive people. Assertive people don't allow them to and have built very effective strategies.

It is horrible to be without parents emotionally. When they are gone and peace has not been made it is an awful sad thing to carry through life.

The ol' Bible is right about this: Honour your Father and Mother.

Of course full on child abuse is a very different thing. Even in those cases forgiveness is better than carrying a heavy sack full of hatred around for the rest of one's days.



My Mum had me when she was young. She left me and got married when I was 3 and moved 300 miles away. I only saw her for two holidays a year until 15. My Gran brought me up. There were huge issues I had to go through. This John Lennon song helped no end. We have to say goodbye to Mummy and Daddy when we grow up. Then we can say HI as FRIENDS.

Now my Mum, my Step Dad and I are great FRIENDS and have fun meals together every couple of weeks. It is all now water under the bridge, forgiven and put to rest.

Resolve the conflicts. Don't let them fester. Don't let that cause you grief and loss of your parents.

a reply to: Reverbs

Most of our own problems are like this.



Try and smile at the mirrors.

I hear all of you very clearly

I am processing

The thing is I am on my own don't have basically no one to turn to

So I am here .. I always said I don't need no one (trust is fragile) .. I need support network of some kind mostly mentally if they don't let me be and SHTF

And I know there are worse problems

But your parents are meant to love you and support you
Its just not happening and somehow it hurts


I think this is my last yep yep post I am listening to you guys.. I am releasing and I have no idea what I am writing the below is last of it
I wouldn't be asking if I didn't care about them.. Unfortunately somehow they don't care about what I want
Or have no respect for my life .They are willing to come into my home destroy it so they can have it their way. Mums partner threatened me several times I won't see mum or family if I don't basically do as he says. What he tells mum is that I don't give a crap about her so I am not worth it and to move on .. but Someone here said to me They are not my responsibility .. Still Morally that does not sit with me ( emotionally I no longer feel love or trust and it's a real fake friendship) yet it eats my soul alive


Thank you I can't say enough of thanks



Bally
Thank u for remembering my art I am not doing anything.. now I wonder if ur kids will join Ats

Hi Layla,
Not all people are Good, and not all Parents are Good people.....some of us are blessed with great parents, some of us have parents that try with good intentions but do horrible things, and some of us have been abused and beaten down by our parents .....I can not say which type of parents you have( I don't know them), but it definately sounds to me like your mother and BF have control issues. ...The whole " obey or else " attitude, burning your clothing, and Especially killing your bunny are all ways to strip you of what you have, who you are, and to lower you to a controllable level .
We all want that great loving relationship with our parents where we are able to trust and confide in them. Sometime others selfishness gets in the way of what is really important and because of that ,those relationships bloom later in life, or simply are just not there. By reaching out to us at ATS, it tells me You are at a pivitol point in your life where you need to decide what is best for you, and which way your relationship with your mother will go.
My personal advice to you is this:
-1. Learn to say " NO ." To your parents ( as the above poster said too.) Take control, Be firm . DO NOT BE BULLIED ! Your a grown adult. Put your foot down !
- 2. Do not let them use your visa, home, name, or anything for a business or anything. You are tied to that and if it goes south, you will be left holding the bag.
-3 if this Bf has money, let him make his own way. If he doesn't have money, let him figure it out without you. Say NO !
-4. If they are living with you, tell them to move out now and find their own place. As another poster said " it's not natural for parents and adults to live together . " It has already caused you stress and harm, and will continue to do so.
-5. The minute they move out ...change your locks ! I'm not kidding, do it the minute they move out. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT THEY DO NOT HAVE A KEY TO Y OUR HOUSE., or can not get back in. ....Inform your landlord or neighbors that your parents are not welcome. Please tell your landlord ( if you rent ) they are not allowed in your home. You do not want them wiggling their way into your house while you're at work.
- 6. If they leave anything behind, they will use it as an excuse to get back into your home while your not there....oldest trick in the book.....make sure all their stuff is out of your house . No excuses!
-7 . You may want to think about meeting with a councilor/ therapist to talk about this, or...read self help books or Google some ideas of how to deal with these situations. I'm glad ATS members have rallied to help with advice, as we always will.....But you may need more outside support to be able to stand your ground. And theirs nothing wrong with that !
You have a battle in front of you. I wish you the best...please be firm and put your foot down. Take control. You are not a child, and should not be treated as one.

a reply to: Reverbs

That made me laugh and smile. Gotta love animals,

Cheers Revs

Bally

a reply to: Bluesma

I wondered if I was really a bad kid, or if my parents just weren't being attentive to their toddler?

You were being a kid. That's what kids do. They explore, investigate and get in to all kinds of things. They are curious and have no idea what's good/bad or dangerous. Don't let'em tell you any different.

a reply to: Layaly

Please, PLEASE don't let these people USE you. Let your Mom's BF threaten all he likes. If he keeps them away from you, he's doing you a favor. The relationship you have is nothing but bad news for you and a way to get what they want for them. They've followed you to another COUNTRY for God's sake!!. Scrape'em off. Wanting to USE your visa is a Huge red flag. I know you may feel morally responsible, but stop and ask yourself "Why?". They've done nothing but treat you badly, run your boyfriend off and now they want to USE you to get in to the country.The very fact that the BF threatens you is reason enough to stay away and your Mom taking his word over your's is just the nasty icing on a sh** cake.
You got away for a reason, don't let them back in and ruin the life you've made for yourself.

Notice that word that keeps popping up?

a reply to: Layaly

Do not allow yourself to be estranged from your parents. They will get sick or die and then you will be prey to guilt, remorse and self-loathing for the rest of your life.

A couple of months or so after my mother died, I heard two co-workers talking in the hall. Their fathers had passed away and they were talking about how much their lives would improve after their mothers died. They had all but abandoned their mothers to sort of 'speed them on their way". Much of it sounded like monetary gain. All the things they could do, once they got their inheritances; pay their mortgages off and such.

I was on my way to meet my father for lunch. I sat down with a few silent tears on my cheeks, and told him with horror what I had overheard. For a moment I thought his eyes welled up with tears too, but he said "Remember, not everybody had a mother like you did".

And no, not everybody did, and in my line of work I see it and hear it everyday. God, sometimes it's like you spend the first part of your life being screwed up, used, and screwed over by your parents, and the second part struggling to undo it.

When you are a child you can't protect yourself from emotional harm. As an adult, you can. They don't deserve you.
They never have. Let them go. It's difficult and painful, but it's better than continuing to put yourself through constant emotional turbulence and pain. They don't appreciate or deserve what they could have had, or what they have. Let them go.
~~~~~~~~~~

(My childhood wasn't a bowl of cherries either mind you, I had father issues of the "now tell me who you are little girl, have I seen you somewhere before?" variety. And the "it doesn't matter what you say or do, it will never be good or interesting enough for the almighty perfect me". So I learned early on to keep my distance. As an adult, I kept our relationship on a very superficial level. Just coping, not repairing, but by then I had no desire to 'repair'.

originally posted by: Astyanax
a reply to: Layaly

Do not allow yourself to be estranged from your parents. They will get sick or die and then you will be prey to guilt, remorse and self-loathing for the rest of your life.

You have an option to not do that to yourself. Take it.

a reply to: DAVID64

The word that keeps popping up

LIFE

Live ur life

Popped in my head

But not sure if I am right

I am reading every response one by one separately

and I am having a break with each of the responses so they all sink in deeply

I am taking my time letting myself feel what you guys say so I am a bit slow

I can't express how much each to me means

a reply to: Layaly

My father was a master manipulator, psychologically abusive, distant, withholding of love, cold, and yet prone to rage over irrelevances.

He valued his Men's Fellowship at the church far more than he did his own children, or his wife. Ever since I was five years old, I was entirely aware that he was a wrong'un, and that there was something deeply unusual and unhealthy about the fellows psychopathology.

But it was only well after he had divorced my mother, and disowned myself and my sister, that I told him plainly, that if I ever saw him again, I would send him to the wrong side of the Styx. Needed doing though. Life is an awful lot better for me, without that noxious hypocrite in my face every couple of days.

a reply to: TrueBrit

Well, it's a dirty job, but sometimes somebody has to do it.

I had my HS diploma in one hand and my car keys in another. It took about a week to figure out how wrong I was about my parents. But I had made my decision.

Now my bioparents are no longer with me. Too late to make amends.

Some parents are great. Some good. And some not.

But being a parent doesnt come with an owners manual. Neither do kids.

You do what you do.

a reply to: Layaly

My heart hurts for you... but my heart also sings for you because you seem to understand that you are not the problem, you just don't know what the appropriate response is. I understand that too well. In my case, I finally reached a point where I had to accept that --

1. I cannot change anyone but myself;
2. Only I can decide how I will be treated by others; and,
3. Sometimes it is better to just wish him/her/them well and walk away.

My situation is a little different in the particulars; but in the final analysis, for whatever reasons, I know that under the present circumstances, my mother and I cannot have a quality relationship. I cannot give my mother what she wants and expects. And, I suppose, vice versa. I still send her holiday greetings and gifts on special occasions and the occasional text or email and tell her I love her; although I have not heard from her for some time.... specifically since I questioned (challenged?) her about some of her actions. But I can't change that. All I can do is make sure I do my best.

Be true to yourself. Define your terms and take your stand, but do no harm. If Mom can't accept that, you can wish her well and walk away, knowing that you cannot fix your relationship alone, but refusing to make matters worse. You don't have to burn any bridges. You can always keep your mind and heart open for a better future.

Good luck