Ditching your parents

originally posted by: whyamIhere
Both my Parents are dead.

I would chop off my right arm to see either one for 10 seconds.

Just to say I love you one more time.

Grow up...

I'm with ya. Both of mine died when I was 15. No parent is perfect...mine included but, what I would give anything to have that chance.

originally posted by: MagesticEsoteric

originally posted by: whyamIhere
Both my Parents are dead.

I would chop off my right arm to see either one for 10 seconds.

Just to say I love you one more time.

Grow up...

I'm with ya. Both of mine died when I was 15. No parent is perfect...mine included but, what I would give anything to have that chance.

I was kind of hard on the OP.

But dang, no family is perfect.

I just want to shake them and point out...Its good to have issues.

It means they are still around.

a reply to: whyamIhere

I think it's a normal reaction to see someone complain about something you don't have anymore. I'm sure the OP understands.

My mom was a verbally abusive alcoholic. My father abandoned us when I was 5. They were not perfect but, I still miss them.

My psychotic and pure evil step-father....HA! Never!

He can rot in hell!

originally posted by: Layaly
Thank you so much for the replies I need Ats more then ever

I am reading absorbing breathing

i started typing who they are what they did what they expect but I swiped screen it got deleted..

Sum up sad bum stories: they did it all you name it (beside child abuse lol)

I ran from home at 18 couldn't take it.. I moved continents.. At home They destroyed my life and relationships over and over and over

At this point after everything (they just moved to this country too .. Mums dream to live here) they want to use my visa to stay in country open a business of some type.. for that I have to give up my life I build for myself .. job friends appartment pets ..

Example of who they are a little story.. on they visit 4y ago they killed my pet whilst I was at work burned my clothes they didn't like them.. my partner left me cause they were discussingly rude to them.. . And That's still yeah not even close to what they have done)

So now
What kind of a daughter am I to not help them out
I was told to forget them if I don't 'obey'

Mum didn't have a problem ditching me for two years when I was 11 no explanation.. She wanted to have a little life.. she asked my dad (real father) if he could take me he said what can he do lol kind

I don't think that "What kind of a daughter am I?" should be of any consideration in your deliberations. Don't worry about what other other people (including your parents) THINK about you.

I don't have an answer for you but, hearing only your side of the 'story', I do have a suggestion. Separate out what is your business and what is theirs (not easy). As an adult, to be a happy adult, you have to let go (not forget) of the story of you past relationship with your parents before you, yourself can be happy. Only then can you slowly build a (distant or not) relationship with your parents.

Having said this - don't let them put THEIR stuff on you any longer.

originally posted by: MagesticEsoteric
a reply to: whyamIhere

I think it's a normal reaction to see someone complain about something you don't have anymore. I'm sure the OP understands.



But dang, no family is perfect.

I just want to shake them and point out...Its good to have issues.

It means they are still around.

No please.. I hear you .. no you were not hard ..
you both (and others here) lost your parents I can't comprehend the pain and what it took to overcome it

All I ever wanted was my own family (But it seems that too many children need homes.. So fostering is something i am looking forward to still.. I am crazy for children)
The reality is even Ats feels more like a family then what it was at home

Even though most of us probably don't cut ties with our parents, I'm sure most of us move to distance ourselves. As far as I'm concerned it's just an ordinary part of growing up, and becoming an adult.

The thing with the visa. Would it be illegal for you to permit anyone else to use it? Aus is one of the hardest countries to emigrate to, very strict age restrictions for work and benefits so I imagine your parents would have had to prove financial independence, that they would never be a burden on the state?

Having been through the process, they would be fully aware of all rules relating to visas and are therefore knowingly expecting you to put your self at risk of criminal prosecution. Use that. Write to them and tell them 'no' in no uncertain terms. Tell them you think it disgusting your parents would ask that of you. Tell them you do love them but are ashamed of them.

If they try to contact you after that, be firm. Reiterate the line you have drawn and if the contact is by phone, hang up. Should they show up at your place, do not call them mum or dad. Do some research on how to protect yourself legally. If they become belligerent or violent, use your knowledge to advise them of the actions you may legally take to keep them out of your life.

Stand tall and address them by their first names and stick to your resolve, use words sparingly.

Don't waiver, don't let them see anything they can attack, bullies always seek the Achilles heel and attack it. Your parents know yours and will be looking for it. Don't give them the satisfaction.

I say all this because it is what I did the day after I finally accepted my parents for what they were. I took the advice of a friend that had helped me through a bad break-up, only applying the technique to my parents. I have never regretted it in over twenty years. No matter how much I loved my parents and wanted their love, understanding and acceptance, I knew I could not change them, I could only decide what was right and acceptable to me.

My mother is now dead. Of my parents, she was the better parent but my father would not accept that and still does not understand why I did not return to him when I heard my mother had died. I do feel sad when I think of it all and I have to be honest with myself and count the positive stuff also because nobody is all bad and there was some good stuff in there, the lurid story of my disgusting childhood.

The pain will recede but it will never go because a broken heart leaves a deep scar, especially so if the heart was broken at a tender age. But if you keep them in your life, then you have to accept you choose to risk your heart being broken again and again.

Another friend of mine urged me to listen to a lecture on the nature of forgiveness. I learned that forgiveness is a major element on the road to recovery. To forgive is the most healthy thing to do but if the transgressor cannot admit their actions, the forgiveness gets lost in the void and a normal loving relationship is not possible because the mistrust will always be there. For forgiveness to work, the transgressor must be sorry for what they did and if they will not address this with you, then forgiveness will be just another tool they could use to manipulate and hurt you.

So I say, you cannot change them, all you can do is forgive and walk away, again.

I don't know how to tell them

Do I shoot them a mail text?
Don't pick up the phone?
What do I say?
To her to him?

Typical reaction from him when I say no to them
He says to mum to let me be
And tells her not to reply to me or to talk to me
Or he takes her literally away puts her in a car drives of with her (when we are together)

Btw I did tell her no I am not doing it (moving there to help them)
so we had one massive fight already
I said I always did what they made me to do and needed me to
So it's not about me but about what they want AGAIN
So I said not to ask me what I won't if she doesn't hear me

Her reaction was following

how will I tell this to 'bf'
then she said.. now I do this to her ? how dare I say the above
then she started crying hysterically
she said I hate her and that I think she is like her mother
Then she looked like she will collapse so I opened my arms and held her kissed her told her I love her and I said it will be fine

The gross vibe that followed for days we just avoided each other awkwardly
and same question again and again

I don't know how people give advice
I am so exhausting sorry
I don't know what the hell I would do if it wasn't for the forum not kidding

a reply to: teapot

the visa we have a business at home
And he managed to get skills visa I have residency they have capital u can't get anything going over $1mil on his visa so they want to use my name and help tu run it.. They have $ they just I don't know need to roll in it .. They can use my name no drama but if he does put it in my name he wants me under his control .. Otherwise he has to wait 2years


I read only the visa question
I will read through the rest now thank you upfront for the post

Oh wow honestly thank you (ALL OF YOU) for talking to me and taking time to type it all out the below really just more of my junk

yes I had enough of the heartbreak you guys are saying some real heavy hearted things each reply is such a nice smack into a better reality
You know I forgave they will never be sorry so.. No judgment from me. I have a feeling the peace you guys make me feel right now will soon change.. I am so not ready for the emotional damage I am so not ready for the impact.. I always put my walls up to protect myself ..for some reason I can't do it this time.. I feel completely unguarded


But no bottom line.. this is not ok .. it's the "loving yourself" enough to admit it's not ok part I am struggling with
but there is no more questions anymore


I don't know how any human being can do this to their child
It's disturbing some of the stories here .. I am really sorry you guys went through all of these things .. God if I picture you all as children and the stories I am sick to my tummy .. reading it the situations.. I wish I could have been there when u all were at that stage to pull you out of that crap none of you should have been there.. But if there are so many stories here then I can't imagine what's happening in real life .. That there could be a kid in such situation you can reach out somehow

Seeing as both of my parents are deceased, I'd give ANYTHING for even a phone call with them.

Sad that people feel this way about their parents. I gave up the last several years of my life to take care of my mom and I'm SO glad that I did.

It makes me really sad that so many others do not feel the same way and would rather put them in a nursing home, etc.

a reply to: lovebeck

It sounds like a terrible thing to say but whilst I'd take care of my Dad if he were unwell without a second thought, I'm not so sure about my mother. Although she bought me into this world, unlike my father she's never really done much for me or my sister; she's always been rather self absorbed. Still I take light in the fact I can say I have one good parent. Some people aren't even that fortunate.

a reply to: lovebeck

thank you for your reply

Like I ve said I don't know how you guys cope(d) with loosing your mum or dad .. I admire the strength

and I love that people have loving relationships
its so nice to see good people and that there is no bitterness in any of you despite the things you have gone through .. It's truly something

a reply to: Layaly

You could practice talking to us. If you can tell us what you want to say, if you can practice telling yourself something in the mirror, it will become easier for you to say what you need to. If it isn't appropriate for the forums here do it with someone you respect through PM.

I'm not sure what your home life is like, but the more good relationships you have the less room you have for bad ones. You usually get used to being treated the way you were growing up. If you really don't have anyone to lean on now, you may wan't to look for a church or something (I don't know your spiritual inclination but there are churches even for atheists). The more used to being treated well you get, the less you'll let yourself be mistreated.

The common takeaway is, dont hate. It is horrible luggage to carry around with you the rest of your life. Instead, dream, and enjoy life, and whatever comes your way.

I left home with maybe 400 bucks. But I let go of the bad feelings and ended up doing some real cool things I never imagined, and have seen things I never thought possible.

And I still am to this day.

a reply to: Layaly

thank you guys for being here..
it means the world

Do not be deceived. We are not your friends.

We have no real interest in you. We are just assorted forum members who find your situation interesting enough to make a comment about.

Of course, we're human, and some of us do feel a certain compassion for you, just as we would for any unfortunate creature. But of you as an individual we neither know nor care.

As for our advice, beware of it.

It is freely given because it costs us nothing, and because we know that we will not be called to account if is wrong: if you follow it, you may suffer or you may prosper, but we shan't be affected. And since we don't actually know you or your circumstances, our advice is very likely to be inappropriate.

You sound as if you could use a friend or two, but the internet is not the place to find friends, believe me.

Of course, my advice is probably just as worthless as anyone else's. Still, if were you I'd make use of my own community resources -- charity outreach groups, helplines for the lonely, that kind of thing, where the support, if still somewhat impersonal, is at least professionally trained and comes from dedicated folk who really do want to help, not just to look wise and compassionate on a chat forum.

(Other members who feel I am judging them too harshly, just take what I say as applying to the guy a few posts above or below yours and not to you personally, and you will see the wisdom of it.)

a reply to: smirkley

You won't probably remember but you replied to a thread of mine that got closed down I didn't get a chance to reply to you

You wrote about a shop story as a boy.. and your dads reaction to that (like I said not sure if u know which story I mean)
and As I was reading it I felt a strong punch into my tummy .. Again words won't cut it - your dads reaction not ok .. But that for me was one of the most bizzare things so I am kind of happy I got to say this finally

a reply to: Astyanax

Thank you for your reply .. I do understand that this is ultimately somethings only I can do no one can do it for me
I was looking for a way to word this better so I will attach for myself here what I found

“Always go with the choice that scares you the most, because that’s the one that is going to require the most from you.” – Caroline Myss THOSE are the choices that you want to make. Why? Because the messages we get from our intuition, from our Soul, are calling us out into the unknown – and we are naturally scared of the unknown. It’s just the way that it is. So, if you are scared to make a choice: to quit a job, to start a business, to leave the relationship – and you know you must make this choice or live an unfulfilled life – then THAT is the choice that will lead you to freedom.

thedailylove.com...

This never had to be this way
I do have so many beautiful stories too with them but right now they have me on chain they don't want to let go

I don't trust myself with this decision
There is also no such a thing as : 'I feel this is the right thing to do'
I am a point blank I have no clue how this will roll out .. no vision of happy ending and I feel sad so
Again I don't know what I am even saying

I ll rest up .. go into my shell to find my some type of strength. find appropriate time.. Drop the bombshell ..

All I want to tell them is to let me be

Till then I love the Ats company..I am Intaking some wisdom .. Listening to people's life experience

a reply to: Layaly
My mother had begun to abuse me starting at about the age of four... But I don't blame her for it. Most of the time she was venting her frustation's on me... I think she had a tough life but I don't know the whole story.
The only thing that really hurt's is how much disdain and disgust she sees in my father. She absolutely abhors him. They would go at it like cats and dogs. I remember the fragment's of one memory in particular, my father swatting and my mom on the floor with an old broom, cursing her calling her a witch. I remember also, my mom watching my dad flirt with other women on the internet. I remember her digging her fingernails into his stomach as he walked out the room, as he would swat her down onto the floor. I remember when he kicked her inhailer for asthma down the hallway as my mother gasped for breath for her life.
Then she left him for Fred. That was even worse!! The worst part was when she turned her back on him as he was stepping out to the back patio, only to turn around to strike her down to the floor, and procede to step on her face with his boot's on a cobblestone kitchen floor. She was screaming in such a way that, it wasn't for show this time. These screams were authentic. He told her that he wanted her head to explode under his boot. I took a cheap sword on display in my bedroom and begun to cut on my wrists to alleviate the sound of her screaming. She begun to crawl upstairs at one point. I called the police, the police arrived and both of them proceded to behave like nothing was wrong.
This is part of why I left my mom.
I moved out at 18, the very day after I graduated high school. I moved in with Eric, my 60 year old boyfriend. Eight years later i'm still with him and he is overprotective but loving. I heard that fred "no longer drink's".
They have a daughter, Cassidy, my half-sister. She is a rape baby. Fred thought that at 42, my mom was too old to bear children. I'm no longer upset or angry with my mother.
Now I am only empathic and pitiful for her...u.u

a reply to: Mousygretchen

I am trying to think what to say.. But all I have is that these people have mental issues nothing we can fix and yes it's sad that they live their life that way

but what the hell so where is your sister I hope still not in that house !

what would you do if she rocked up at your door and asked if you and Eric can take her in

originally posted by: Astyanax
a reply to: Layaly

thank you guys for being here..
it means the world

Do not be deceived. We are not your friends.

We have no real interest in you. We are just assorted forum members who find your situation interesting enough to make a comment about.

Of course, we're human, and some of us do feel a certain compassion for you, just as we would for any unfortunate creature. But of you as an individual we neither know nor care.

As for our advice, beware of it.

It is freely given because it costs us nothing, and because we know that we will not be called to account if is wrong: if you follow it, you may suffer or you may prosper, but we shan't be affected. And since we don't actually know you or your circumstances, our advice is very likely to be inappropriate.

You sound as if you could use a friend or two, but the internet is not the place to find friends, believe me.

Of course, my advice is probably just as worthless as anyone else's. Still, if were you I'd make use of my own community resources -- charity outreach groups, helplines for the lonely, that kind of thing, where the support, if still somewhat impersonal, is at least professionally trained and comes from dedicated folk who really do want to help, not just to look wise and compassionate on a chat forum.

(Other members who feel I am judging them too harshly, just take what I say as applying to the guy a few posts above or below yours and not to you personally, and you will see the wisdom of it.)

Kind of funny to read this in light of the week I have had.

I have to disagree. People care, even people in online forums.

I understand the caution about listening to advice from unaffected people.

However, an online friend for over 10 years died this week.

He was 47. He had two beautiful kids and a great wife that he loved.

I cried like a baby when I heard he passed. He was my friend and I do care.

There are some wise people here. Doesn't hurt to run it up the flagpole.