I'm at a complete LOSS! So angry and pissed off!

Please bear with me while I try to explain...I'll do my best to make it short.

My mother-in-law had a stroke a few months back and she is now back home going through in- house therapy.

She has 4 children that live in the same town as her...my husband included.

Not ONE of her children will step up to help this poor woman...NOT ONE!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm at a loss bc I can't understand why none of her children will step up and help her.....she desperately needs help but,no one will do it.

Why??????

You posted a thread twice twice what kind of sorcery is this

It is a fact, many kids grow up and think it is normal to be self-important and entitled. Jobs just pay for the xbox, and food should be served to them.

Maybe it is just they way I was raised. I dont know. But I certainly could never stoop so low to act the way I see some grown-up children treat their families that have worked hard to give them what they want.

And maybe that is it in a nutshell.

a reply to: MagesticEsoteric

Been there done that got the coffee mug. Just do it. Help her. Call them and say "can you take her to the doctor Thursday" can you take her some lunch Sunday. They will usually agree to a short term commitment.

So sorry. It's infuriating.

Oh, they love this one "if you can't help out can you help pay for someone to go in and help her?

If I read this correctly, not even your own husband is willing to help her? Have you brought this up with him? I obviously don't know any more details, but perhaps there is a reason behind this.

a reply to: MagesticEsoteric
I often have the same wonder and disgust.

Are they afraid of facing the fact that she's not indestructible? Can they not face her frailty or disability? In my family it seems to be that they are in denial that help is needed. Have you talked to your husband about it? Maybe they don't know how to help? It puzzles me on almost a daily basis.

Is there any way you can step in and help if they won't? Or maybe encourage your husband to take the lead in lining up his sibling to pay their respect by lending a hand when Mom is in need? Maybe make a list of things that she needs help with and ask the siblings to split up the chores on the list?

My heart and prayers are with you. It is a difficult path. Strokes are terrible things.

Don't be nice about it. Tell them "This is your Mom, get off your dead ass and help". If they give you excuses, tell them "She didn't make excuses not to take care of you". I've dealt with this crap before. Unless you tell'em like it is, they will continue to side step any responsibility and lay it all on you.

Going through this in my own family. In town peeps won't do crap. Out of town peeps have to break their backs or raise hell. In the mean time the elderly spouse is exhausted and overwhelmed and the stroke victim needs TLC and some measure of dignity. It's sick and appalling that they have basically been abandoned by the kids they devoted their lives to.

I know it's hard to have to go to the nursing home, they're very depressing and in-home care has its own pitfalls but dang. Just help with cleaning or cooking or yard work or home repairs.

My other out of town relative gets real and flat out says everything we have to pay someone else to do is getting deducted from their meager inheritance. Then they show up.

a reply to: MagesticEsoteric

I sat in a room 1 year ago last August with the 3 adult children (53 and older) and spouse ( 95) of a well known female community member. Sadly, she had passed away that morning, having suffered 2 years with alzheimers. I was eager to assist whenver I could and often did.

The deceased woman was still in the bedroom and the coroner/sheriff was sitting in the room with us all, taking statements. The father, who just lost his wife of 75 years, was very emotional and I instinctively wraped my arms around him to comfort him and told him how very sorry I am for his loss. The daughter, sitting next to her sobbing father, look at me like I was without a clue. She leaned forward in her chair and literally yelled to all in the room to hear: "why are YOU sorry? I'm not sorry! I AM the one who had to take care of her. Now I don't have to!! I won't miss that at all!

You could have heard a pin dropp. I gave the father a pat of support and excused myself to the grieving family before I let the words fly. I wanted to smack ger face for her uncaring lack of humanity. I will never forget this experience.
It turned out that there was an investigation into the treatment of the mother who was deemed severly malnurished by the coroners report. The daughter was charged with elder abuse, rightfully so.

Wow. People are so very different in how they handle caring for people who are slated to die soon. It is so, so sad.

Man, that breaks my heart. My Mom just passed away recently at the age of 92 and I helped her in any way that I could so she could stay at home and lead a relatively normal life. She died after her stroke, but there is no way I would have abandon her had she ended up surviving. There is no excuse for any family member not to help in any way that they can!

Is she intolerable and demanding to live with? If things are that bad for her, have you talked to your husband about mum moving in to live with you? Does she even want support, if so how much?

There can be a lot of commitment and responsibility when caring for someone, with a lot of significant life changes involved. If you really want to know why they not want to step up, then ask them.

originally posted by: angeldoll
a reply to: MagesticEsoteric

Been there done that got the coffee mug. Just do it. Help her. Call them and say "can you take her to the doctor Thursday" can you take her some lunch Sunday. They will usually agree to a short term commitment.

So sorry. It's infuriating.

Oh, they love this one "if you can't help out can you help pay for someone to go in and help her?

I have been helping her for the last month because she NEEDS the help. The worst thing about the situation is that she has a grown son who lives with her as well as his three kids.

He is a drug addict and rarely comes out of his room so, it's basically just my father-in-law helping what little he can. They are pushing 80 so, he is limited in what he can do.

I've been going in and cleaning for her and helping with her do the rehab exercises as often as I can. I'm able to because I'm a stay at home mom and when I have free time, I spend it there.

I realize that the other three siblings work 9-5's but, what about weekends? evenings? Anything would help at this point.

originally posted by: TycoonBarnaby
If I read this correctly, not even your own husband is willing to help her? Have you brought this up with him? I obviously don't know any more details, but perhaps there is a reason behind this.

I sure have, he is going to start pitching in because I more or less told him tonight that he doesn't have a choice.

He has a long commute so, evenings are out for him but, he is going to start going over on the weekends.

It's just so frustrating that it wasn't a natural response to want to help her. That I had to strong arm him into helping his own mom.

a reply to: diggindirt

They are just a strange bunch so it's hard to know why they are reluctant to help.

I talked to my husband last night and told him that things are worse there than I think he realizes and he is actually going to meet with his brother and sister this weekend to try and come up with a game plan.

It just baffles me that they didn't already do this....

In all fairness, I didn't realize how bad it was until I went in the first time to clean her house.

It broke my heart to pieces at one point that day, I sneaked into the bathroom and just started crying my eyes out.

But, still....this is their mother! There really isn't an excuse for them.

originally posted by: DAVID64
Don't be nice about it. Tell them "This is your Mom, get off your dead ass and help". If they give you excuses, tell them "She didn't make excuses not to take care of you". I've dealt with this crap before. Unless you tell'em like it is, they will continue to side step any responsibility and lay it all on you.

That's more or less the conversation I had last night with my husband. I'm not really comfortable enough to say it to his siblings though...I would feel like I was over stepping my bounds.

However, if things continue on with me being the only one to help her, I don't think I will be able to contain my anger and I will have to confront them all.

I mentioned in another post that they are all going to sit down this weekend and try to work something out....if it doesn't change after that, I will not be able to keep my mouth shut.

It's just not right.

originally posted by: kosmicjack
Going through this in my own family. In town peeps won't do crap. Out of town peeps have to break their backs or raise hell. In the mean time the elderly spouse is exhausted and overwhelmed and the stroke victim needs TLC and some measure of dignity. It's sick and appalling that they have basically been abandoned by the kids they devoted their lives to.

I know it's hard to have to go to the nursing home, they're very depressing and in-home care has its own pitfalls but dang. Just help with cleaning or cooking or yard work or home repairs.

My other out of town relative gets real and flat out says everything we have to pay someone else to do is getting deducted from their meager inheritance. Then they show up.

Sorry to hear that. It's so frustrating isn't it?

Sad that they are only motivated to help because of money. Actually, that's pretty disgusting.

originally posted by: NewzNose
a reply to: MagesticEsoteric

I sat in a room 1 year ago last August with the 3 adult children (53 and older) and spouse ( 95) of a well known female community member. Sadly, she had passed away that morning, having suffered 2 years with alzheimers. I was eager to assist whenver I could and often did.

The deceased woman was still in the bedroom and the coroner/sheriff was sitting in the room with us all, taking statements. The father, who just lost his wife of 75 years, was very emotional and I instinctively wraped my arms around him to comfort him and told him how very sorry I am for his loss. The daughter, sitting next to her sobbing father, look at me like I was without a clue. She leaned forward in her chair and literally yelled to all in the room to hear: "why are YOU sorry? I'm not sorry! I AM the one who had to take care of her. Now I don't have to!! I won't miss that at all!

You could have heard a pin dropp. I gave the father a pat of support and excused myself to the grieving family before I let the words fly. I wanted to smack ger face for her uncaring lack of humanity. I will never forget this experience.
It turned out that there was an investigation into the treatment of the mother who was deemed severly malnurished by the coroners report. The daughter was charged with elder abuse, rightfully so.

Wow. People are so very different in how they handle caring for people who are slated to die soon. It is so, so sad.

That is horrible!!!

What a disgusting woman. I'm glad she was charged. I just don't understand some people.

originally posted by: Night Star
Man, that breaks my heart. My Mom just passed away recently at the age of 92 and I helped her in any way that I could so she could stay at home and lead a relatively normal life. She died after her stroke, but there is no way I would have abandon her had she ended up surviving. There is no excuse for any family member not to help in any way that they can!

Sorry to hear that Night Star.

I lost my mom when I was 15. I would give anything for her to still be alive so that I could help her if she needed anything.

I'm sure that is where some of my anger is stemming from...these A holes still have their mom and, couldn't care less that she is in dire need of help.

a reply to: kwakakev

When she was still in the hospital, I offered to have her come live here. We have a large house with plenty of extra room. I'm a stay at home mom so, I would be here through the day to help her but, she wanted to go home.

I get that...I would too but, I just don't think she realized how hard it would be and the fact that her kids wouldn't step up to help her.

I know it's a huge commitment but, I was more that willing to do it. She is the sweetest lady in the world! She's a little nutty in her own way but, not a bad bone in her body.

a reply to: NewzNose

To me the daughter sounded like a remarkable woman who had to carry a large burden. Being a carer can be a similar role to being a slave as someone becomes more dependent in there needs. The responsibility and sadness of of watching a parent die is what it is. The processes of dying is sad, it is beyond the carers role to fix the person needing support. They can only help make things a bit smoother until that day comes.

I am not saying the daughter is perfect, no one is. In caring for her mother she found an acceptance of death and I do not see anything wrong with that. In some crazy mixed up way maybe it is a good thing she does get locked up and now have someone care for her. She deserves a holiday.