Divorce

Hey folks. I have some questions regarding divorce and ask of you to give me some insight of your experience with it if you feel like talking about it.

I recently caught my wife having an affair with a physician she works with. She stayed with her friends for a few days then came back to the house. Although she has been here, I've been sleeping on the couch and really keeping to myself for the most part. I thought our relationship was going well and was for the most part blind sided. The relationship she had with this man had been going on for some time and I never really noticed. I just trusted her and never have been the controlling type, so it was easy for her to do it without me asking questions. I know their are 2 sides to every story and I by no means claim to be some perfect husband. We have talked about it some and she said she ended the relationship but I don't know. It is hard for me to describe the feeling other than all trust is gone.

I am contemplating divorce but don't know where to start. I have a little boy and he is my heart and soul. I don't want to stay with someone just because we have a child together, but I cant physically live without having him. Only having him certain days etc kills me to even think about. I really feel at a complete loss and don't know which direction to go.

a reply to: LoverBoy

Do what's best for your child.

Will you and your wife be able to repair this? Or will it be a toxic environment for your child if you choose to "stay together for the kids"?

The best scenario is obviously to work things out, go to marriage counselling and repair your relationship.

A child needs his mom and dad, and he also needs a loving home. Do your best to provide that which ever way things turn out.

All the best.

I just went trhought seperation and divorce with my ex in the past 3 years plus, we tried the whole stay together for the kids and it got worst.

We both decided not to go the lawyer way, in canada we where lucky to be able to meet one on one with a lawyerish person free of charge to set our seperation agreement, thats where you decide who gets what and who gets the kids on what date.

It took me a long time to realise i would be a better parent living on my own and having my kids on the week ends.

Its a tough road to take but if i am a miserible prick my kids will be worst off

I wish you good luck for the future, and if you ned to chat with someone just msg me ill be glaD to help you out.

a reply to: LoverBoy

Can interject here even though I have never been divorced before? I would say that you should sort out what your feelings our towards your wife. You mentioned you don't want to be with someone just because you have a child with them. Do you have still have a strong love for your wife?

Get the best lawyer you can afford and throw everything you can at her. File for sole custody of your child. Get support and alimony if you can.

That's what she would do to you. Without hesitation. I see no reason to take the "high road" when you've been manipulated, lied to, and cheated on.

Do your worst, and good luck. Your days will be brighter, my friend.

Ya I'm not sure how exactly the legal process works here for divorce in the states.

I'm not sure if we can work stuff out or not yet, and I'm not yet sure if I even want to. It's hard for me to explain. I love her and still do and always will, but I feel completely disgusted thinking about what she was doing. I hope that makes sense.

I completely agree it is better if a child grows up with both happy parents, but unfortunately crap was just tossed into the punch bowl. I can't even look at her the same at the moment and only feel completely disgusted. I don't want my son to have to experience all of this, and right now hes too young to understand what is happening.

We went to marriage counseling a long time ago and she disagreed with everything the counselor suggested for the most part. Things did improve though and over time I thought things had gotten much better.

First off, have you guys even talked about this? There's many different aspect to this.

a reply to: LoverBoy

I'm a firm believer that everyone deserves a second chance. --I'd even give someone I love more than a second chance.

Times a healer dude.

a reply to: NthOther
That thought crossed my mind also. She threw out a child support remark when we were arguing about this the other night. She has no parents etc due to abuse growing up. My parents have reached out to me about getting a lawyer, and they have zero money issues. I just don't know if I am ready to go that route yet.

a reply to: LoverBoy

I thought our relationship was going well and was for the most part blind sided.

Then you haven't paid enough attention. Most people I know that entered into a affair did it for one of two reasons. Sex or because something was lacking in their life namely attention from their mate.

If you truly love someone the first reason can be excused. The second reason on the other hand needs to be rectified.


You love your boy and I'm sure you would do anything for him. Well here's a chance to make good on your proclamation.

My advice is give her another chance and look at what you might have done wrong. I had the same thing happened to me early in my relationship. I can now laugh about it when I realize how worried I was about my own ego/image and not the actual infidelity.

a reply to: intrepid

I think that is where she and I are different. I always want to talk stuff out and communicate. I like to get stuff out on the table and either fix or face the repercussions. She is the type where she doesn't want to talk about it. She gets angry if I try to talk about it and says she needs space. A day or so later she acts as if nothing happened. Our ways of dealing with stuff are different.

originally posted by: LoverBoy

That thought crossed my mind also. She threw out a child support remark when we were arguing about this the other night. She has no parents etc due to abuse growing up. My parents have reached out to me about getting a lawyer, and they have zero money issues. I just don't know if I am ready to go that route yet.

The longer you wait, the more difficult it will be.

I know I sound like a total asshole here, but divorce/child custody is, for all intents and purposes, war. I've had it happen to me, and I've seen it happen to too many good men to give her the benefit of the doubt. Don't give a single inch.

My advice is to strike hard and strike fast. If you've got family money backing you up... lawyer up.

a reply to: Greathouse

Actually the intimacy and attention roles were quite reversed. I thrived for this and she was the one who became isolated. I'm not saying im a saint. Im sure much of this is due to things I have done. I struggled for awhile after coming home from my deployments. PTSD took me apart for awhile. I know this caused a strain on our relationship and was completely my fault. I have been getting help and have been really great with it for awhile now. I noticed an improvement in our relationship when this happened also. I just wonder if it was too late and I still have no answer as to how long this has been going on.

a reply to: LoverBoy

Being divorced 1.5 times(my current ex and I haven't even talked about divorce though we've been apart for over 5 years) I've got a little insight on this. My first wife did this with my closest friend(that sucked). This is my best advice:

1- Slow down. This is fresh and a lot of times things are said and done that are hard to put in the past.
2- Don't fall into the family crap. Families rally and that can cause problems. This is YOUR life, not theirs.
3- Be civil.

There's a LOT more but that is down the line.

a reply to: LoverBoy

Unless you find out WHY she did this, and repair that together, you're not going to be able to trust her again... At least I wouldn't be able to. I would try everything possible to keep a level head and TALK it out. See if she wants to stay together and find out why she looked elsewhere...

I'm not a believer of staying together for the kids.

Good luck, man.

a reply to: intrepid
I understand. I try to be civil for the sake of my son. You're right about families also. I have a very close relationship with my family and the problems are already starting to appear.

If you don't mind me asking, how did it work out with you? Did you have a child with your first wife?

originally posted by: NthOther

originally posted by: LoverBoy

That thought crossed my mind also. She threw out a child support remark when we were arguing about this the other night. She has no parents etc due to abuse growing up. My parents have reached out to me about getting a lawyer, and they have zero money issues. I just don't know if I am ready to go that route yet.

The longer you wait, the more difficult it will be.

I know I sound like a total asshole here, but divorce/child custody is, for all intents and purposes, war. I've had it happen to me, and I've seen it happen to too many good men to give her the benefit of the doubt. Don't give a single inch.

My advice is to strike hard and strike fast. If you've got family money backing you up... lawyer up.

Personally, I think this is bad advice. (No offence to the poster)

You don't want your child growing up where his mom and dad are at "war".

NthOther offers good advise. Lawyer up first and proceed from there. Now that trust is gone; do you ever see it coming back? What kind of relationship will it be, always wondering where she is and what she is doing. It's enough to drive you nuts. Voice of experience here....

She say's she needs her space....give it to her.

a reply to: LoverBoy

If at all possible ask your wife if you all can live together (either divorced or married) and raise the child but have separate lives otherwise. I know this has worked well for some friends of mine.

a reply to: LoverBoy

Once a cheater always a cheater, Find the best family attorney in your area. Get full custody and don't look back!!